Dragonlord's Brain Dump
by Lord Dragon Claw
Summary: This is what happens when my muse devours a plotbunny, then spits it back out. Misc. half chapters, one-shots, and random mental leakage. Also, abandoned fics are archived in here.
1. Addams Family, Harry Potter

Sometimes, I have some really great ideas and my muse devours the plot bunnies... but then we both decide to abandon them. Instead of letting the idea go completely to waste... I figure I should just dump what I've got for your enjoyment. Feel free to blatantly steal whatever ideas I put in here, just tell people that I came up with it first.

* * *

Fire with Fire

Concept by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: The Addams Family was created by the late Charles Addams. The rights to the movies of 1991 ("The Addams Family") and 1993 ("The Addams Family Values") belong to Paramount Pictures. The Harry Potter franchise was created by J. K. Rowling. Further crossover elements, if any, will be added later. The city of Clover, West Virginia is not meant to resemble any real city and any resemblance is either by coincidence or for the purposes of parody.

Chapter One's Potential Title: Cousin Sirius!

* * *

October 31, 1981  
Godric's Hollow  
Potter Manor

Sirius knew that there were problems arising. The Potter household had smoking holes in it. James was dead in the living room. Lily was in the nursery, lifeless. Voldemort was a pile of ash, if the wand lying next to the ashes was any indication. And little Harry, barely a few months old, was crying in his crib with a new lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead. Sirius realized that the Dark Lord Voldemort had been killed by a baby just old enough to walk.

They had to get out of Britain. Death Eaters would try and hunt the baby down. Britain was not safe. No, it wasn't safe at all. But what country was safe? Or at the very least, _safer_?

Didn't he have cousins in America? Not regular cousins, but cousins once-removed? Twice-removed? Or were they second-cousins? It didn't really matter, especially since Sirius never bothered to learn the difference. But what he did know was that the Addams would take him in and help him hide little Harry.

He packed a great deal of things for Harry, including his father's favorite snitch and various family albums, and loaded them all onto his flying motorcycle. Then he took Harry into his arms and left the house.

Rubeus Hagrid was outside, waiting.

"Sirius! Professor Dumbledore asks that you give little Harry to me! He's going to put him in a safe house with his family!"

"Hagrid, I refuse! I am Harry's godfather. I am supposed to take care of him now. I know of a place where he'll be safe from Death Eaters. Neither you nor Dumbledore have any right to object!"

"Sirius... you were the Potter's secret keeper. How did..."

"No I wasn't! I thought that since I was the obvious choice, I ought to be the distraction. PETER was made the secret keeper on my insistence! Let Dumbledore know that it was Peter Pettigrew who betrayed James and Lily. Also, let him know that I will send Harry to Hogwarts once hes old enough."

Hagrid began to cry.

"I'm sorry Hagrid, but I've lost faith in Professor Dumbledore. James and Lily were doing quite well when they were out in the open as they were prepared to defend themselves against anyone. But then Dumbledore suggested the fidelius charm. That was a week ago." Sirius sighed. "I'll owl you when I get the chance, Hagrid. Goodbye, my large friend!"

"Goodbye Sirius, Harry," blubbered the half-giant.

With that, Sirius hopped on his flying motorcycle and was off to see his cousins.

* * *

November 1, 1981  
Clover, West Virginia  
0001 Cemetery Lane  
(Addams Mansion)

Sirius was sort of confused. If the American wizards had their own Statute of Secrecy, then why were the obviously magical gates allowed to exist in a non-magic district? Seriously, the bloody things growled at him!

Walking up the path to the mansion, Sirius was beginning to have doubts. Obviously, the Addams Clan was a fairly dark family, but he wondered if the place would be safe for Harry and him. Well, he could always leave and move elsewhere afterwards, right?

"Lets see," he said, thinking out loud while holding Harry's sleeping form in the crook of his left arm. "Doorbell... Hmmm... No doorbell. Knocker? Nope. Bell-pull? Well... there is this noose..."

Pulling on the noose caused a screeching noise similar to a banshee's wail to emanate from within the dark and foreboding house. Sirius again doubted the safety of the place, but shook it off when he heard the doorknob turn. His doubts returned full-force the instant the door opened, however. The butler appeared to be a seven-foot-tall inferi! And then the thing groaned, gutturally.

"Er... Is this the Addams Estate?"

A nod and another groan.

"Hello! I'm a distant cousin of Morticia's..."

The thing groaned again, nodding its head as if it understood. The thing beckoned for him to enter and lead Sirius into the main foyer. Sirius could see a large grand staircase leading to the upper levels as well as a dining hall to the right and a study to the left. Coming down the staircase was a man who could be described in two words as a charming Spaniard. At his side was a pale-faced woman in an all-black dress. By the very look of her, she seemed to give off an aura of darkness, mystery, and beauty. In her arms was a bundle - obviously a baby or infant no older than a year. A little girl - about two years old - trailed after the woman, seriously studying Sirius, as if to figure out how to best take advantage of him - or how to best make him scream in a torture session.

"Lurch," addressed the Spanish-looking man. "Who is this?"

The thing, apparently named Lurch, groaned but was interrupted by the man again.

"Wait! Don't tell me! ... I'm guessing Cousin Hackett! How did you manage to get out of that Californian Asylum?"

"Er... No. I'm Sirius Black, a distant cousin of Morticia's."

"Really?" said the woman. "It's so rare to get visitors from Britain's magical community! How's your brother? Still part of that dark cult that's been rising up recently?"

"Um... No. He's dead. We're not sure how, but he got himself killed in some way."

"A shame, really," commented Morticia. "We would have loved to have met him." She turned to the Spanish-ish man. "This is Gomez, my husband. Behind me is Wednesday, our daughter, and this little boy is Pugsley."

"Well, as you know I am Sirius. This little guy is Harry Potter, my godson. His parents were killed last night by Voldemort who seems to have been killed. I think he may have accidentally bounced the killing curse off of Harry's forehead and hit himself with it."

"Some Dark Lord," commented Gomez. "He must have been very sloppy to have done that."

"I'll have to ask Grandmama if its possible to block such a curse," sighed Morticia. "Oh, you'll have to understand that here in America, we don't go by that pureblood nonsense. Gomez himself is a muggle."

"Well, thats one of the reasons why I came by. I need help to hide Harry from the Death Eaters and other people in Britain."

"Of course!" responded Gomez. "Lurch will help you with your things. Here, Morticia. Hand me Pugsley so you may hold Harry."

"Where shall we put Sirius?" asked Morticia. "I mean, there _is_ room for another crib in the nursery for Harry..."

"Well, there is the secondary guest room, the one next to where Cousin Itt usually stays when he comes by to visit..."

* * *

Later in the week, the Federal Department of Magic sent over a pair of their law enforcement officers, called Coppers.

* * *

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

And that's all for that idea. Use if you like. Just a random idea I was going to make into a story, but then decided to abandon due to the multiplicity of my stories.

Have fun!

EDIT: ugh. Stupid quotation marks disappeared again.


	2. Gardener of Konoha v1 ch1

Gardener of Konoha

(original first chapter)

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. YuYu Hakusho belongs to Yoshihiro Togashi.

Chapter: Not Just Trees

* * *

Oven ten-thousand years ago, a two-tailed demon fox was on the run from some demon hunters. After being critically wounded, he hid himself within the body of an unborn child, pushing the previous soul out of the body and into oblivion. Within the child, he was reborn.

He no longer had any tails, but he still had his wits. He also had a talent for making plants grow. He learned many things while regaining his power, including the love a human mother has for her son. He began to have a fondness for humans.

The fox boy grew into a fine young half-demon, and eventually made friends with a group of demon hunters, which included another demon who had three eyes, and a female reaper.

They had several adventures, including a showdown with four beastly demons, a tournament where their very lives were at stake, and a war against a demon-hunter-turned-madman. Towards the conclusion with the madman, the fox boy had regained his second tail.

After all their adventures were over, he was forced to watch as most of his friends grew old and died. His fellow demon hunter who had three eyes also didn't age much. They watched as wars broke out among the humans and among the demons, and even among both races. But soon, the humans had another war which engulfed the world. They foolishly used the unquenchable fire of the atomic bomb which nearly wiped all life off of the planet. At the same time, demons began slaughtering each other to decide who would be allowed to go in and finish off the humans. Eventually, there were as few demons as there were humans.

Millennia passed, and the face of the world changed. Few things survived; among them were the tenacious humans and the stubborn demons. Very few ideas continued on through the catastrophe, but a few ideas seemed to be indestructible. The idea of the "ninja" was chief among them.

As the world changed, so did the fox demon and his three-eyed friend. Eventually, the fox was able to take on a fully-animalistic form. The three-eyed demon didn't change his physical form so drastically, but grew in power nonetheless. As they both grew in power, they watched as other demons began to enter the fray. Large beast demons began to appear, including a former human priest from a desert. Each of the beast demons had a different number of tails. Then the fox demon gained his ninth tail, making there be nine Bijuu (tailed beast demons).

One day, when the three-eyed demon was asleep, an event happened that would change the world...

* * *

The Kyubi was attacking Konoha. At least, that was how the villagers and the ninja of the village perceived it. The giant white fox attacked a certain residence first, and then started attacking the rest of the village as if looking for something. Or for someone. No one knew. All anyone knew was that the most powerful of the demons was attacking Konoha and it had to be stopped.

The Yondaime Hokage had finally come up with a plan, and summoned one of the more grotesque shinigami to seal the Kyubi within his infant son forever.

* * *

Although he was the son of the Yondaime Hokage, it was a fact known to only three people, one of which no longer resided in Konoha. The boy was not among those three people. Most of the villagers and many of the ninja hated the blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy despite the Yondaime's wish for him to be seen as a hero.

Uzumaki Naruto grew up isolated from most people partially because they refused to acknowledge his existence except to beat him or yell at him and partially because he preferred it that way. But when he wanted attention, the whole village knew it, for he pulled some of the most spectacular pranks. Like painting the Hokage Monument or stealing everybody's left shoe. The frustrating part was, he was almost never caught in the act or with any evidence proving he did it, so he was hardly ever punished.

All throughout his Ninja Academy days, Naruto intentionally kept his skills hidden, as he felt that they were easily mistaken for a certain kekkei genkai - the Mokuton. His skills didn't involve just wood though - they involved all plants. Naruto had no idea why he could turn a rose into a whip, only that he could.

Even being the dead-last in his class, Naruto soon discovered that some of the girls had put together a Naruto Fanclub, as he did look "dreamy" as they put it. The head of the club, as Naruto discovered, was Hyuga Hinata, the timid brunette who sat near the back of the class. For the most part, Naruto ignored them and read his books, which seemed to only encourage them.

He managed to talk several librarians into allowing him to borrow manuals on botany and physiology and he spent his spare time gardening, as he felt he could relate more to the plants than he could to other people.

Eventually, the fateful day arrived when Naruto failed the final exam, but not because he wanted to. He was never able to get the stupid bunshin jutsu down, as his bunshins always turned out horribly disfigured.

"But Iruka, he did manage to make a bunshin..."

"Mizuki, you know as well as I do that if he were to go out into the real world with such deplorable skills as that he'd be dead within a week."

_So says you,_ thought Naruto. _No one has any idea what I am truly capable of._

"Sorry Naruto, but you've failed."

Later, Mizuki made an offer to Naruto about a scroll with powerful techniques.

_So this idiot takes me for an idiot, ne? Let's see if he can catch me after I've stolen the scroll._

* * *

That night, Mizuki was patiently waiting for that blasted alarm to go off. He waited in vain. He was arrested at sunrise for attempting to steal the Kinjutsu Scroll. Naruto was the one who tipped the ANBU off.

Meanwhile, Naruto personally returned the scroll to the Sandaime Hokage.

"I think this constitutes my graduation to genin."

The Hokage raised his eyebrow. "What makes you say that?"

"I stole this scroll last night."

"And?"

"I wear bright neon fluorescent orange and I have golden, shiny blonde hair that goes to my waist. And yet I still managed to not be detected except of my own volition." The Hokage sweatdropped. "Also, I learned the kagebunshin and a couple of other jutsu I thought I could work into my style."

* * *

"With all of your pranks, I was wondering if you were going to come in with a normal picture or not," said the Hokage. "Seems like you went with a rather normal picture, though why you have a rose in your hair is beyond me."

"I always have a rose in my hair."

"Eeto... Naze?"

"That..." Naruto said, causing the Hokage to lean closer in anticipation. "... is a secret!" Facefault, of the old man kind.

Shortly after the Hokage got up, his grandson, Konohamaru, burst into the room.

"Gramps! Hand over the title of Hokage!" And then the little boy tripped on his own scarf. "Ow!"

He got up, and spotted Naruto.

"YOU!"

"Nani?" asked Naruto, sounding quite bored.

"You tripped me just now, didn't you!?"

Naruto suddenly had an idea. He began speaking in a sarcastic tone. "So, you have me all figured out, ne?"

"Just the sort of thing I'd expect from a rival!"

Still in a sarcastic tone of voice: "Oh, this can't end well..."

"I challenge you! Right here, right now!"

"Very well. I accept. Rose Whip." Naruto said in a very bored tone as he ran his hand through his hair, pulling out one of his roses from the locks of his hair and transforming it into a whip in one smooth motion. He swung it in Konohamaru's direction. He cut the boy's shirt and pants right down the middle in the front without even touching the boy's skin.

"AH!" exclaimed Konohamaru as he fell backwards onto his but.

"So that's why you..." mused the Hokage.

"Yeah," said Naruto. "It is." He then transformed the whip back into a rose and returned it to his golden locks. "Well, if we're done, I have a garden to check on."

Naruto nearly bumped into Ebisu on his way out. Ebisu was coming in to find Konohamaru and was quite perplexed as to why the poor boy's clothes had been cut.

* * *

Naruto let Konohamaru follow him all the way to his apartment, where the blonde began tending to his plants.

"Come to learn the secrets of my power, ne?" asked Naruto. He then looked right at Konohamaru who was hiding behind a rosebush.

"Exactly what I'd expect of my rival!" exclaimed the small boy. "And yeah, I have. Is this what you do all day?"

"Yes."

Konohamaru waited for additional information, but Naruto seemed to ignore him. Eventually, Konohamaru asked the question on his mind.

"When do you train?"

"What do you think I'm doing right now?"

"Gardening."

"Exactly."

"How is gardening training?"

"If you have to ask, you'll never know."

Soon, Naruto was finished checking his plants, and then he turned to one of his many botanical reference books. Curious, Konohamaru peered over his shoulder to see a bunch of boring pictures of plants and lots and lots of writing. Eventually, Konohamaru grew bored and left.

"Finally," said Naruto, after Konohamaru was out of earshot. He then turned back to his book.

* * *

Naruto graduated, but he managed to do so at the bottom of his class (just like he planned it). Naruto observed his two teammates with an analytical eye as they awaited their jounin instructor.

The pink-haired girl, Haruno Sakura, had a sort of beauty one would see from a rare sort of animal. But her pink hair was pretty much all she had going for her. She also seemed totally infatuated with Naruto's other teammate. A fangirl, then.

The other one was the surviving boy of the Uchiha clan. Brooding, acting cool, keeping quiet, ignoring the fangirl... Yup. Definitely an Uchiha. His name was Sasuke. He graduated at the top of the class.

What was keeping their sensei? Naruto was beginning to get bored waiting for this "Hatake Kakashi" to arrive. Then an idea hit him. He went and took one of the chalkboard erasers, placed a seed within it, and then jammed it in the door so that it would fall and hit whoever tried to open it.

"Naruto?" wondered Sakura. "Why are you doing that?"

"Because our idiot sensei is three hours late."

"You know," began Sasuke. "He's never going to fall for such an obvious trap."

"We'll see."

"Well, you can take all the blame for yourself. I'll have nothing to do with it." And then her Inner Sakura chimed in: _I LOVE this kind of stuff!!_

"Fine. I'll take credit if it works."

Just then, a hand appeared through the crack in the doorway. The attention of all three genin was riveted to the doorway. The hand opened the doorway and a second caught the eraser.

"So who's the one who planted this obvious trap?" asked the man with a cloth covering the lower half of his face while his forehead protector covered his left eye.

"Naruto did it!" blurted Sakura. Naruto raised his eyebrow at the outburst.

"Naruto, I think we're going to need to teach you how to make better tra- GAH!!" The man was interrupted as the eraser exploded and was replaced by a watermelon. Which he dropped.

"Got you," stated Naruto.

Sasuke blinked. _What the hell? What kind of jutsu was that?_

The man blinked for a moment. "First impression is... not too good. Not too bad either, but definitely not too good."

* * *

Five minutes later on the roof...

"It's time for introductions," said the man. "Any volunteers?"

"Eeto... Sensei?" began Sakura. "How about you go first and show us how it's done?"

"Very well. My name is Hatake Kakashi. What I like and dislike is none of your business. As for hobbies... well, you're a little young to know that. As for dreams... well, never mind."

_He didn't tell us anything at all,_ mused Sakura.

_That was a waste of time,_ thought Sasuke.

"Do your hobbies have anything to do with this?" asked Naruto, while holding Kakashi's book. All three of the other attending people snapped their eyes to look at the book Naruto was holding.

_When did he...?_ wondered Kakashi. "Mind explaining how you got that from me without me noticing?"

"Sure," he began, while handing the book back to his sensei. "Your pocket has a hole in it and I simply picked it up on our way here when it fell out of your pocket."

Kakashi checked his pocket. There indeed was a hole large enough for his book to fall through in his pocket. Why he didn't notice the hole earlier or notice the book leaving it he'd never know. He knew that the hole wasn't there the day before but he felt that he would know if someone had cut a hole in it. He checked the hole again and it seemed that the seam had burst and unraveled. He must be getting rusty. That was the only possibility. He was sure of it.

As he was pondering what happened, Naruto flicked his hand through his hair, acting as if he were adjusting his forehead protector.

"Anyway," said Kakashi, continuing his previous line of thought. "I think the girl should introduce herself first."

"My name is Haruno Sakura. I like... well..." She glanced at Sasuke and blushed. "What I don't like is skinny pigs! My hobby is..." She then giggled while glancing at Sasuke. Sasuke shuddered. "And my dream..." She blushed again while saying something unintelligible.

"Okay... Now for the brooding one." Kakashi blinked. "The brooding one with dark clothing."

_Wait, I don't brood, do I?_ Naruto quickly analyzed his behavior and realized that it could be perceived as brooding.

"Uchiha Sasuke. I don't like anything in particular and I hate most things. I don't have any hobbies. And I don't have any dreams, but I do have a goal. There is a man I wish to kill."

_So cool!_ thought Sakura.

_Typical Uchiha,_ mused Kakashi.

"I suppose that leaves me. Uzumaki Naruto. I like flowers and plants and ramen. I hate people who look down on me. My hobbies are gardening, shogi, go, and reading. I dream of surpassing all of the Hokages. Not saying I want to be a Hokage, just saying that I want to surpass them."

_Kuso!_ thought Sakura. _Now Naruto seems almost as cool as Sasuke... but he couldn't be, as he graduated at the bottom of the class._

"Odd," thought Kakashi out loud. "I was under the impression that you were going to say less than I did."

"In strategy games like shogi and go, it is imperative to keep your opponent guessing."

Kakashi was about to say a witty retort, when he realized what Naruto said. He decided against it.

"Well," he said. "I'll give you the rest of the day off. Meet me tomorrow at five in the morning at Field 13 for a special session of survival training. Don't eat breakfast. You'll throw up." With that, he left them to their own devices.

Naruto pulled out a book on various antidotes and toxins one can create with herbs and began walking home. Sasuke got up and walked in the other direction towards what was left of the Uchiha Estate. Sakura got up and couldn't decide which way to go. Thinking that she already knew a lot about Sasuke, she decided to follow Naruto. She knew something about flowers, so she figured she might have something to talk about with him.

* * *

"I demand to be paid in full in advance," said a shadowy personage. He was short, and seemed to enjoy wearing black.

"Sorry, I refuse to meet your demand," replied a man whose voice was filled with greed. "You, with the big sword. Are you willing to be more compliant?"

"I'll accept a third of the payment now, and the rest when that pesky bridge has been demolished."

"You're hired. The name is Gâtou."

"Momochi Zabuza."

* * *

Naruto let Sakura follow him to his apartment, as he simply didn't care. Besides, once that brat, Konohamaru, realized that Naruto had a girl following him, Konohamaru got nervous and left.

As he came up to the door to the lobby of the apartment building, he suddenly turned to where Sakura was peering around a corner. She squeaked and pulled back behind the corner.

"Are you content with knowing where I live or do you wish to know more?" After she didn't make a move, Naruto sighed. "Look, it's not like I have rabies or eat human flesh or anything. Why don't you just come on out?"

She gathered her courage and stepped out from behind the building. "Well, I figured that I knew a lot about Sasuke and since we're going to be teammates I was wondering..."

"Not a single stutter nor did you rush through your sentence. Seems you have much more confidence than that Hyuga girl who was in our class." Naruto fished his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door. He held it open for her. "After you."

Sakura could feel her cheeks flushing, but she entered the building just the same. Naruto closed the door and locked it. He then took her hand gently and walked her to his apartment. Though she liked Sasuke, Sakura couldn't help it when her heartbeat began to quicken. He unlocked the door and opened it to reveal that nearly every spare inch was occupied by some sort of plant or a book on plants.

"My sanctuary," stated the blonde. He then walked over to the sliding glass door and opened it wide. Sakura could see even more plants occupying the balcony.

Sakura observed him as he began watering his plants and tending to them. He even seemed to whisper words of encouragement to them as he worked with them. Eventually, curiosity overcame her and she sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed a book from the shelf.

"It's considered polite to ask first," warned Naruto.

"Sumimasen!" exclaimed Sakura.

"Don't worry about it. It's just some of the books are booby trapped. Others are being used to preserve leaf samples. That one's okay though. Help yourself."

She opened the book and looked at the title. Advanced Botanical Biochemistry was its name. Sakura goggled at the sheer complexity of the various formulas and diagrams. Even the accompanying descriptions blew her mind away. She realized that Naruto was much more complex than he let on.

"Naruto?"

"Yes?" replied Naruto as he checked the foliage on one of his many hanging plants. It had purple flowers with yellow trim.

"You're not as stupid as you appear to be, are you?"

Naruto paused.

"No, I'm not. You see, for some reason, most people in Konoha hate me. Every time my birthday came around, a lynch mob formed to hunt me down. Thankfully, ANBU forces were able to stop them before they went too far, but I learned that if it seemed as though I was gaining too much power, the mobs would come after me when they _weren't_ drunk. So I feigned stupidity up until it was time to graduate. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I brought it up."

"No. I'm glad you did. You're the first person that I've revealed that information to, though I'm not sure why."

"... You cut that hole in Kakashi-sensei's pocket, didn't you?"

"Yes. I did."

"Why?"

"I thought it would be funny. As reserved as I am, I enjoy a good prank every now and then."

Naruto then grabbed a book from another shelf entitled Botanical Toxins: A Complete Guide and sat down next to Sakura. He quickly flipped through it until he came to a place where there were a few leaves in between the pages. He examined them, and then removed them and placed them in a bowl. Putting the book back where it was on the shelf, Naruto grabbed a small mallet and began pounding the leaves into a fine powder. He then left the room to go into the kitchen area. Curious, Sakura put her book back where she found it and followed him.

Naruto poured the powder into a beaker and then added a green liquid. The mixture turned a dark brown. Naruto grabbed a bottle marked "Lime Juice" and poured a measured amount into a graduated cylinder. He then poured the amount of the lime juice into the brown mixture and it turned black. He then poured the contents of the beaker into a trough where several kunai had their points sticking into it. The liquid seemed to be absorbed into the kunai.

Noticing Sakura's face, Naruto answered the unasked question. "I'm lacing these kunai with a slow-acting poison that paralyses the muscles. On a man about Kakashi's size and weight, it should take about forty minutes for a single prick of the skin to have a significant effect."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"This 'special session of survival training' as he calls it is a test of the team's ability to function as a unit. I read about it in a history book about the Sannin. We will have to attack him with lethal intent to get a pair of bells, so I'm lacing various weapons with various poisons."

"Ingenious."

"Yeah. These kunai are for you to use, though. I was trying to figure out how to get them to you, but then you followed me home. I know Sasuke would never accept my help, so I'm not going to bother making any poisoned weapons for him. Oh, you'll want this antidote in case you accidentally cut yourself." He handed her a vial of red liquid. "Be warned, though. It tastes nasty."

"Thank you!" said she. "But why are you doing this?"

"I did say 'a test of the team's ability to function as a unit', did I not?"

"Right. But why go this far?"

"I'm finally strong enough to show my strength without worry, but I first have to get past Kakashi-sensei in order to advance in rank."

Sakura seemed disappointed about his "reason", but he wasn't even looking at her, so he might have said it unintentionally. She put the offered kunai in her pouch and headed home. The whole way to her house, she was seriously considering quitting the Sasuke Fanclub and joining the Naruto Fanclub.

* * *

The next morning, Sakura arrived at Field 13 to find that Naruto was already there, inspecting the various plants. She figured he was just getting in some relaxation time before they fight their jounin instructor. Little did she know that he was taking stock of his available weaponry.

Sasuke arrived about twelve minutes after Sakura did, and he was rather disappointed that the dead-last and the fangirl had both arrived before he did.

As they waited for Kakashi to arrive, Naruto pulled out a manual Sakura hadn't seen before. It was a manual about the various vital points on the body and how to hit them efficiently. She read the title.

_Advanced Assassination Techniques__, ne?_ she thought. Then Inner Sakura chimed in: _He gets more awesome every time I see him!_

Sasuke simply brooded, totally ignoring his two teammates. He figured the book Naruto was reading must be some sort of manga or something. Though Sakura seemed to be disturbingly quiet.

They waited a total of three hours for Kakashi to arrive. When he did, Naruto put his book away.

"Sorry for the hold-up, but I first had to go and get my pants mended. Then this old lady begged me to get her cat from a tree and..."

"The first part was plausible," interrupted Naruto. "The rest is total fiction."

Kakashi blinked. The boy had actually figured it out. Of course, getting his pants mended was only part of the reason for him being so late, but they didn't need to know that.

"Well, let's begin, shall we?" He explained the rules of the encounter.

When he started the timer, all three of them hid amongst the foliage of the bushes and trees.

_Very good,_ thought the jounin. _They've hidden their presences quite well._

Then Naruto leapt out of a tree and pulled a rose out of his hair.

"Rose Whip!" he called out, and the rose turned into a whip with thorns on it. The thorns had some sort of black liquid on them.

Naruto swung his whip in Kakashi's direction and continued his assault by constantly lashing the botanical weapon at Kakashi. Kakashi seemed to dodge with ease, but things were not as they seemed. Naruto's assault didn't give the jounin any openings to counter attack, even though there were gaps in the boy's guard. Kakashi also guessed (correctly) that the liquid on the thorns was some sort of poison. Finally, it seemed as though Naruto was tiring, and so Kakashi finally countered.

A few seals, and the jounin called out: "Katon: Goukakyuu no jutsu!"

Exhaling his breath, Kakashi sent a fireball at Naruto. Naruto dodged, but the majority of his whip was turned to ash. Naruto let go of the whip and grabbed a few blades of grass from the ground. He threw them at the jounin. Sensing danger (and a pattern), Kakashi dodged. The blades of grass embedded themselves in the boulder behind Kakashi. The jounin retaliated by throwing a shuriken at the boy far too fast for him to dodge. It impacted the blonde in the face, and he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

_Kagebunshins!_ realized Kakashi.

Another blonde jumped out of a different tree and launched a handful of leaves at Kakashi. The leaves imbedded themselves into the ground after the jounin leapt out of the way. Naruto then opened his sleeves and a dark gray smoke began pouring out of them. Soon, all visibility in the immediate vicinity was gone.

Kakashi wondered what Naruto would do next. Kakashi uncovered his Sharingan eye in time to see a number of shuriken and kunai headed his way. Kakashi used kawarimi no jutsu to dodge them. He traced their origin back to Sasuke, who was now fleeing. Kakashi decided to track him down.

Watching from a distance, Naruto cursed his luck for having "Sasuke the Hotshot" on his team. The Uchiha had ruined his entire plan to get the bells. At least Sakura was smarter than that. Naruto figured he'd have to wing it. Besides, he still had his "insurance".

* * *

Kakashi managed to hide his Sharingan again by the time he caught up with the Uchiha. There was a short face-off, with Sasuke sending a fireball at Kakashi and the jounin dodging it by disappearing into the ground. Then Kakashi pulled the young Uchiha into the ground, leaving only his head exposed.

Meanwhile, Naruto sent a kagebunshin to Sakura to tell her to get Sasuke out of the ground when Kakashi came back to confront him. As Kakashi left Sasuke in the ground, he revealed his Sharingan again.

Kakashi made it back to the main field to see that the smokescreen had dissipated and that there were nine blondes waiting for him. Two had Rose Whips, another had a handful of leaves, and others had kunai. One even had a tree branch.

Kakashi could see that all of them were kagebunshins. The nine Narutos then attacked. Kakashi was hard-pressed to dodge, but dodge he did.

Meanwhile, Sakura couldn't get Sasuke out of the ground. She _could_ have used an explosive tag, but that simply would've been counter-productive.

"I'll be back," she told Sasuke.

As she returned to the main field, she could see three clones fighting Kakashi. One had an axe made from wood and the other two had Rose Whips. Seeing an opening, she threw her specially treated kunai at Kakashi. He dodged them. Not easily, but he still did. He managed to grab one of the kunai moving past him and he made to toss it at Sakura.

Knowing that Sakura would likely get hit by the kunai, Naruto employed his "insurance". Kakashi screamed in agony.

Kakashi's muscles spasmed as a bush began growing out of his chest. He couldn't see past it, and it was extremely painful. He dropped the poisoned kunai he was holding and fell to his knees. He felt two of Naruto's kagebunshins holding him up as the third retrieved the bells.

The real Naruto walked up from his hiding place and poured an orange liquid on the bush. It began to dissolve and die.

"That was a Death Plant," explained Naruto. "I planted it on you yesterday when you were puzzled about the hole in your pocket that I cut there. It'll take a few minutes for you to regain use of your non-vital functions. Sakura, watch our dear sensei and make sure he stays awake. I'm going to dig out Sasuke. Hold on to the bells until then."

Naruto left the clearing and went over to where Sasuke was still buried. Evidence of Sakura's attempts to dig Sasuke out were all over the place, but it seemed that she neither had the strength nor the time to dig the Uchiha out.

"Having fun?" asked Naruto.

"Go away," retorted Sasuke.

"Why? The test is over." Naruto shoved his hands into the dirt next to Sasuke and got his hands under Sasuke's armpits. With a grunt of exertion, he pulled the Uchiha survivor out of the ground in one swift motion. Naruto then began walking back to the clearing.

"I could've gotten myself out."

"Uh-huh."

"I hate you, you know."

"Do you hear that? It's the sound of me not caring."

When they arrived back at the clearing, Kakashi was sitting up and Sakura was idly holding the bells. Naruto walked up to Kakashi and examined his chest.

"Hmm... seems I didn't get it all. Here, drink this." Naruto handed Kakashi a vial of the orange liquid. Kakashi drank it through his mask. Kakashi was surprised.

"It's... orange juice!"

"That it is. Orange juice kills Death Plants, oddly enough."

"Hmm... Why did you activate your Death Plant at that time?"

"Because the kunai Sakura threw at you were laced with poison. You were going to hit her with the one you caught."

"That I was. Well, time to see if the three of you learned anything. Sasuke, what would you do with the bells?"

"I'd keep them."

"Both of them?"

"Yes."

"Fail. Sakura, how about you?"

"One for Sasuke," she said as she tossed one of them to him. Then she did something that surprised Kakashi. "And one for Naruto." She tossed the other bell to the blonde.

"No, you keep it." Naruto tossed it back.

"Don't be stingy; you wanted to be a genin!" Back to Naruto again.

"Sakura, I insist!" Back to the pink-haired girl.

"Quiet," commanded Kakashi. "Both of you pass. Sasuke, you're very lucky. Because of your teammates' selflessness, you will be allowed to pass as well. And... where did Naruto go?"

"He probably went home," replied Sakura. "I think it might have been tiring for Naruto. That, or he wanted to check on his garden."

"Makes sense," mused Kakashi. "I'll have to talk to that genius later."

"Him?" asked Sasuke incredulously. "He is an idiot and he ranked dead-last!"

Kakashi shook his head while Sakura groaned at Sasuke's stupidity. She was definitely joining the Naruto Fanclub after this.

"Sasuke," began the jounin. "I doubt that someone would fail every single test and all of the other assignments for three years straight. One or two a week would make sense, but _every single one_?"

"So he's just stupid."

"Sasuke, you're an idiot. Shut the hell up. Sakura?"

"Naruto told me he failed on purpose, so that no one would know his skills. He did it to avoid getting killed by the annual mob that attacks him on his birthday."

"Oh, and how did you get him to tell you that?" asked the jounin.

"The books he reads are usually way over my head. Except for the one he brought today."

"What was the one he brought today?"

"Advanced Assassination Techniques."

"That one is a good read. Sasuke, you would do well to get a copy of that book for yourself." Kakashi got up. "Well, I'm off to report to the Hokage, so amuse yourselves for the rest of the day."

* * *

After reporting to the Hokage, Kakashi went to Naruto's apartment. It seemed that Naruto actually did gardening for a hobby, as Kakashi wouldn't be able to set foot on the balcony without stepping on one of the blonde's plants. He decided to use the front entrance. He knocked on the door.

"One moment, Kakashi-sensei," he heard from inside the apartment. Soon after, Naruto opened the door.

"Hello, Naruto. May I speak with you?"

"Certainly."

Kakashi was disappointed that Naruto didn't invite him in. "Do you have the Mokuton kekkei genkai?"

"No, I have something else, though I don't know what it is. I can control more than just trees you know."

"Well... hmm... what would you say you aren't good at, battle-wise?"

"Taijutsu. If I have a weapon I'll do fine, but without one I'm pretty much screwed."

Kakashi looked thoughtful for a moment, and as he was about to say something, Naruto interrupted him.

"Don't you dare make me train with Might Guy and Rock Lee. I've heard the horror stories."

"... Okay. Looks as though I'll need to train you myself then."

* * *

Sakura had to hurry out of the building as she was being chased by nearly every girl in her class. Yamanaka Ino was at the front of the mob.

All the pink-haired girl did was announce that she was quitting the Sasuke Fanclub. Then she explained why. Her explanation seemed to have pissed them off. Apparently, they felt it was blasphemy to speak against Sasuke.

She finally lost them by running in between Might Guy and Rock Lee.

Later, she managed to track down Hinata only minutes before the weekly meeting of the Naruto Fanclub began. She was allowed to join.

Amongst the members of the small club were Hyuga Hanabi (Hinata's little sister), Inuzuka Hana (the older sister of Kiba), and Tenten (of Team Guy).

"Alright, quiet everyone!" said Hana, as she was the spokesperson for the club. "I call this meeting of the Naruto Fanclub to order! We'd like to welcome Haruno Sakura as our newest member!"

Sakura stood and bowed. Then she sat back down.

Tenten took the stand next. "As is tradition, all new members must tell us why they have joined our club. Please come to the stand, Sakura."

Sakura took the stand and explained why she liked Naruto better than Sasuke. When she was finished, she was barraged with questions.

"How did you find out about this?"

"Well, I am on the same team..."

"Did you kiss him yet?"

"Well, no..."

"Is it true that he likes to read?"

"Yeah, he..."

"What's his favorite food?"

"Ramen is his..."

Well, we can see where this is going. Needless to say, Sakura was accepted into the Naruto Fanclub whole-heartedly.

* * *

End Chapter.

Author's Notes

Keeping the original as a reminder of what I used to write like, back in the day. Obviously moved this to the Brain Dump (as the originals of all rewritten chapters will).

Anyway, I like the new one a lot better.


	3. Martial Arts Mage, Chrono Trigger, Ranma

Moving this to the Brain Dump to clean up a bit. Up for adoption - just tell me before you use the ideas within.

Martial Arts Mage

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: All characters and plot points from Ranma ½ belong to Rumiko Takahashi. Similarly, all characters and plot points from the Chrono Franchise belong to Square-Enix. Jerikko is the only thing in this fanfic that belongs to me. And some knowledge of _Chrono Trigger_ may be required.

Chapter One: He's a Wizard!

* * *

Magil was his fourth name. His true name and the other two names he had used were known only by his greatest allies and his greatest enemies. His whole life had revolved around getting back to his sister and destroying Lavos - the gigantic parasitic demigod who had corrupted his mother and destroyed his home - and he had only accomplished the second of his two tasks. He still couldn't find Schala, and doubted she even lived.

Right now, he was spending some time with the genius pyro girl with whom he had once traveled. And it seemed that she found a calling in her life as she had converted her parents' estate from a science lab to an orphanage with a science lab in the back (which she kept locked at all times) in the matter of five short years.

Lucca Ashtear, a genius with a big ego and an affinity to Fire, looked over at Magil from helping a little boy with his bloody nose, and gave him one of her smiles. He wasn't sure, but he thought that maybe the purple-haired woman with blue eyes may have developed a crush on him. She currently wasn't wearing her helmet, and was wearing a modest shirt, skirt, and combat boots combo.

He patiently waited so that he could talk to the scientist, but he couldn't help but notice that several of the children were wondering who he was, with his strange white mask that covered the upper portion of his face, his long, flowing blue hair, and his barely visible red-colored eyes. It was amusing to him that many of the kids correctly guessed that he was a wizard, with his dark-purple cape that seemed to billow with a wind that was not there. But his copper-plated metal breastplate and loose-fitting, dark-blue pants that went into his high-quality boots had them baffled.

Finally, Lucca was done. "Alright children! I need to talk to my guest. Don't bother me for awhile." She led Magil into the kitchen, where Lucca's parents, Taban and Lara, were cooking dinner.

Taban looked up from the stir-fry. "Oh! Hello Magus!"

"It's Magil now."

"Why did you change it?"

"Personal reasons."

"What do..."

"DAD! Shut-up! My friend didn't come all the way out here just to argue with you about what name he goes by!"

"Really, Taban!" said Lara, not looking up from the cutting board. "All you do is pester her friends whenever they come by! How many times are you going to bug Crono and Nadia about money?!"

"I didn't come all the way out here to hear you two argue either."

Lara was only slightly irritated at Magil, whereas Taban hastily turned back to the stir-fry. Seeing that they weren't going to interrupt again, Lucca turned and began speaking.

"If you don't mind me asking, have you found Schala yet?"

"No. She's probably been reincarnated or something."

"So you're assuming the worst?"

"After spending nearly every day of my life trying to get back to her I've finally decided that I should find an heir to my powers. No one should have to go through the darkness I did."

"So... that's it then. I'm so sorry Ma..."

"Don't be. However, I wonder if you could modify the Gate Key you gave me. Through my scryings I've found a world where magic is powerful, but rare and believed to be legend or just parlor tricks. I want to go there to look for an apprentice."

"Hmm... I was working on a way to have the Gates go between worlds, thus opening us up to space exploration. The problem is, I'd need the dimensional, temporal, and hyperspatial coordinates to get to any other given habitable planet, and getting those would be no easy task and..."

Magil pulled out a scroll and unrolled it. An enchantment on it activated, and many small points of light appeared above the parchment. On the cloth of the scroll itself were several numbers arranged on a grid with the categories of X, Y, Z, and T going across the top and Dimensional, Temporal, and Hyperspatial going down the left-hand side. All the points of light, save two, were the same color (white). Of the remaining two, one was blue and the other red.

"Magil, what is this?"

"The chart I made. The red light is the destination and the blue one is our world. The chart shows all twelve needed coordinates to get to that world at an appropriate time."

"How did you make this chart?"

"Well, I used my scrying powers to determine all of the values."

"But, that's impossible! You'd need to know a lot about hyperphysics and advanced..."

Magil interrupted again. "Magical energy patterns, right? I did live in Zeal, and I paid attention to my science tutors. Plus there is a lot of information that can be acquired in the Arris Dome in 2,305 AD."

She stared at him for a few uncomfortable moments. "... I hate it when one of you out-thinks me." Magil chuckled.

"Oh yeah, Robo asked me to tell you how he's doing. He's functioning properly, and Atropis..." He chuckled again.

"What's so funny?"

"She's trying to find a way for Robo to get her pregnant."

Blink. Lucca laughed. Magil was glad it wasn't her cocky, very annoying laugh. "Thanks, Magil. Good to find out that he still exists in the future. Wait... how did you use the Gate Key I gave you? The Gates were closed!"

"I thought that they were closed as well, but it seems that they've been acting up again since a few months ago in my time era. In yours, they've been active for two years. I first checked 2004 AD, but all that was there was its corpse. The scientists of the era are analyzing it, and their experiments yield mixed results."

"So Lavos isn't active?"

"No. And the Black Wind tells me little. It could be an entirely new threat, or simply a phenomena that occurred after we killed that monster."

"Well, I'll see if I can locate the problem."

"Funny. Robo said those words as well."

Lucca giggled. "I'll work on your Gate Key right away though. I'll even build you a spare."

* * *

Magil hurtled through the familiar void of colors, taking note that this Gate's coloring was different than the standard gates (which were blue, green, and red). This Gate was orange. Magil correctly guessed that its orange color simply denoted that it traveled distance only, and not time. The end of the Gate began to near, and Magil prepared himself so that he would land on his feet, as there was no telling precisely where one would end up.

He exited the Gate and landed on his feet, although he nearly lost his balance. It was night, and he was in a forest on the side of a mountain. Not nearly one as dense as the Guardia Forest, nor were the trees as big as those in Fiona's Forest. Then he heard a boy screaming in a language that he understood because of a permanent translation enchantment he had placed on himself. The spell quickly worked and let him learn the entire language from just a few sentences.

"No, Pops! I don't wanna! Those c-c-c-cats will kill me dis time fa sure!"

"Stop crying like a girl! A Martial Artist must suffer for the sake of the Art! Now get in there and learn the Neko-Ken!"

Magil quietly snuck up on them. He saw a very young boy with black hair and wearing a training gi, wrapped almost completely in fish products, being thrown into a pit where a lot of mewing and hissing was heard by a large, fat, balding man with glasses and a training gi made to fit his girth. Magil was infuriated. He didn't know what this "Cat Fist" business is, but by the amount of noise coming from the pit, there were more than enough hungry cats to pick all the flesh off of the poor kid's bones.

* * *

Saotome Genma didn't know why the kid liked to complain. If he had simply mastered the Neko-Ken the first time, then he wouldn't have to be subjected to the training again and again. He was probably just lazy. After he put the extremely heavy lid over the pit, he turned around to see the Grim Reaper. Well, he thought it was the Reaper, what with the cloak, white facemask, and deadly-looking scythe. How was he to know the difference?

"OHPLEASEMISTERDEATHDONTTAKEMETHEREISSOMUCHISTILLWANTTODOINLIFE!!!"

This was unexpected for Magil, but he felt it would work to his advantage. He spoke in the creepiest voice he could possibly do, which admittedly scared some of the undead soldiers he once had in his army so long ago. "Okay, I will make a deal with you. How about I take your son instead?"

Genma began bowing. "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANK - herk!" Thud. Magil had stabbed him in the back of his head. And then put his scythe away.

Using his magic, Magil levitated the lid off of the pit and casually tossed it aside (where it went to a small village where the reincarnation of Attila the Hun was growing up, and he would've caused a new World War to begin had the lid not landed on his head, killing him instantly). Magil then levitated the boy out of the pit and set him down on the ground. There were about fifteen cats still attached to his body, and he kicked them back into the pit. Magil noticed three things about the boy: 1) the poor kid was still conscious, 2) he was underfed, and 3) his wounds were critical and life-threatening. Although not his specialty, Magil was pretty good at curative magic, and healed the boy of his wounds. Magil then fished one of his meal rations out from... well, his hammerspace, and gave it to the kid.

"Eat, before you pass out."

The starving child (who is now hungrier than ever, as curative magic uses calories in the body to heal it), ate the entire ration in a matter of seconds. Magil figured that the kid needed to learn some manners, or at least be dignified about his speed-eating habit. After he ate, the boy started talking to Magil as he rummaged through Genma's pack, finding a good deal of canned tuna, sardines, fish paste, etc.

"So, who are ya, mister?"

"My name is Magil Zeal." Magil opened each of the cans and packages and dumped them into the pit, where the mewing and hissing of the cats continued, but it was more subdued each time they were fed.

"Where's Pops?"

Magil knew that it was probably wrong to tell this boy the truth... but it was more wrong to lie. "He was going to kill you. In order to save you, I had to kill him."

The boy looked at him with wide eyes. "But... he was a Martial Artist, and he protected da weak and..."

"Did he protect you, or did he throw you repeatedly into a pit of starving cats?"

"... so he wasn't a true Martial Artist."

"What's your name, kid?" Magil said as he dumped the last of the fish products into the pit, where all the cats' hunger had finally been sated. The cats were sleeping like... well, kittens.

"Saotome Ranma."

_Nice enough name,_ thought Magil. "How old are you?"

"Six and a half, I think."

_Not too old to begin studying magic. _"Do you have a mother?"

"I think she died."

_Well, it seems he no longer has any family relations. I wonder..._ "Ranma, was it?" The boy nodded. "Let me touch your head, I need to see something."

Magil put his left palm on Ranma's forehead, and his other hand seemed to dance in the air, plucking invisible strings. Ranma felt a small amount of energy go through him as the mage chanted in some archaic tongue. Magil was scanning the boy, to see if he had any magical potential and to find out if he had an element. The process only took about a minute.

_Seems that he have a lot of hidden potential for magic, especially Fire. I didn't think I'd find my apprentice right of the bat!_

"Ranma, I've decided train you how to be a Warrior."

"A... Warrior?"

"Yes, like a Martial Artist, a Warrior protects the weak, but a Warrior also kills evil beings who will never change their ways."

"You'd do dat?"

"Yes. But I'll not have you use the name of your idiot father. I think you should use the name Zeal as your family name. Yes, Ranma Zeal."

"I thought da family name came first."

"In the society where you live, maybe. What country are you from?" Magil started rummaging through Genma's clothing and found some money.

"Japan." Magil then went through Genma's pack and took out everything that was unnecessary. He did find two scrolls though, one entitled the "Umisenken" and the other entitled "Yamasenken". He decided to keep those.

"Well, I'm new around here, so I need to know where we are."

"I think we're in southern Kyuushuu." Magil found a few other things of note, most of them on paper, including a seppuku contract. He kept those as well.

"Is that another country?"

"No, it's one of da main islands in Japan. Da most southern and western island."

"Are there telephone wires on every hillside in Japan?" asked the mage, looking at some that were fairly close.

"Pretty much from what I saw."

Magil nodded. He was beginning to get an idea of the layout of the country.

"Well, we'll come back here later, we need to get to my world so that you can learn magic."

"What?! Magic exists?! YOU'RE AN ALIEN!?!"

"Kind of, but I'm a human like you. And of course magic exists. Now come on, Ranma."

* * *

It was daybreak when they landed on Magil's world. Ranma did not like traveling through a Gate. This was evident when he threw up just after they landed outside the Ashtear Orphanage.

"You'll get used to it." Then, Magil cast an intricate looking spell, and Ranma felt his jaws, tongue, larynx, and ears tingle for a bit. When Ranma looked at him, puzzled, Magil simply said: "Translation spell."

Magil began walking towards the building. Ranma quickly stood up and followed. He was curious as to why Magil didn't yell at him for being weak and throwing up when they landed, but he was also grateful. Magil rang the doorbell and then crossed his arms. Lara answered the door.

"Oh my! Twice in the same week!" Then she noticed Ranma. "Oh my goodness! His clothes are in rags and he's so skinny!"

"He was worse off when I found him."

"Are you going to leave him with us?"

"No, he's my new apprentice. Could you help him get several changes of clothing and feed him? We're going to be here for three hours, tops."

"Sure thing, Magu-er, Magil. So, what's your name?"

"Ranma."

"Well, Ranma, come on in! Breakfast is almost ready!"

"Oh, Lara?" Magil said.

"Yes?"

"I hope you cooked extra food. This kid eats like a horse."

"Duly noted." She then called into the house again. "Taban! Lucca! Children! We have two guests!"

Suddenly a stampede of children barged into the foyer. All the kids recognized Magil, and they were very interested in Ranma as well. Too bad for the poor kid that he had to try to hold up under their relentless barrage of questions. Magil waded through the sea of children until he was able to get to the couch, which he sat on. Slowly, the mass of young boys and girls left the room, and _then_ Taban and Lucca came down the stairs.

"Hello again, Magil!" Lucca said. "So the Gate Key didn't work properly, huh?"

"No, it worked fine."

"Then why are you back so soon?" asked Taban. "You only left last night!"

"I've already found an apprentice."

Magil then told them the story of how he met Ranma.

"You killed that idiot, right?" asked Taban, obviously angry. "You didn't let him live, _right_?"

"Of course I killed him. He deserved to die."

"So, why are you here?" asked Lucca.

"To get Ranma fed and to get him some clothing. Then we're off to see Spekkio to unlock his potential."

"Um, I don't think Spekkio will just unlock his magic unless he's someone special."

"True, and if Spekkio refuses to help him, then I'll resort to force."

"I don't think you can force the Master of War, Magil."

"Worth a try."

* * *

Ranma and Magil walked towards Leene Square, in order to get to the Gate at the back of it.

"Magil-sensei?"

"Yes, Ranma. What is it?"

"Do you practice Martial Arts?"

"Not really. Why?"

"I think you should, just in case an enemy gets close enough to you to interrupt your spells."

_Ranma is a combat genius, even at his age!_ "Okay, we'll both learn Martial Arts right along side you learning to cast magic."

* * *

Ranma still felt sick after traveling through that Gate, but he managed not to throw up. Then he noticed his surroundings. He was on a platform paved with cobblestones. The edges of the platform were lined with a golden fence. In the center of the platform were nine pillars of light, and he and Magil were standing inside one. On one side of the platform, there was a golden, garden gate that led to a bridge which, in turn, led to another platform. The second platform was decorated similarly to the first, only it also had a light post in the center of it. It also had a bucket, a small fountain, and a sleeping old man. Opposite of the first bridge, a second bridge led to nothing, and on the left-hand side of the second platform was an ornate door. Ranma couldn't see what was on the other side. Everywhere else, there was only a swirl of ever-changing colors.

"Ranma, welcome to the End of Time! Don't take its name too literally though."

Magil opened the garden gate and went through. Ranma followed him to the old man.

"Gaspar?"

Instantly, the old man's nose bubble popped, and he was suddenly awake.

"What the-!? Oh, it's you."

"Gaspar, could you unlock Spekkio's door for me?"

"Certainly. It's unlocked now."

"Thank you. Come along, Ranma."

After they entered the door, Ranma couldn't stop laughing. This "Spekkio" was PINK! He also looked like a head with arms attached to the top of his head and his legs where his neck should be. Also, he was fat and round like a ball! Never mind the small tuft of hair on the top of his head.

"What'cha laughin' at! I'M THE MASTER OF WAR! Haven't you ever heard the phrase 'don't judge a book by its cover'?"

"Ranma, stop laughing."

Slowly, he did stop. "Sorry, Spekkio-sensei, I just didn't know you would look so..."

"Yeah, yeah. Magil, step back. I want this boy to see how strong he actually is." When Magil did so, Spekkio's special magic reformed him into the shape of... A FROG! And it was a puny one too.

"What da-!?"

"See, kid. If you're strong, I look strong. If you're weak, I look weak. However, you are strong of will!!"

"Ah, so you will train him," said Magil.

"Yup. Kid, your element is Fire."

"What about Magil-sensei's?"

"Shadow," responded Magil. "But I also know some Water, Lightning, and Fire magic, so it is possible to learn all four."

"Indeed it is," agreed Spekkio. "Now, to begin! Starting at the door, walk three times around my room while touching the fence. And I'm watching you, so no cheating!"

* * *

In 605 AD, Magil was leading Ranma to a small fort...

"Ranma, you should learn how to fight with a weapon."

"Weapons are for the weak."

"Hey, I want you to use a weapon! If your opponent happens to disarm you, they won't expect that you can still kill them with your bare hands! But you should use a weapon so that your opponent thinks that you depend on one."

Ranma considered it. "Okay. Magil-sensei? Why are we here?"

"I'm going to introduce you to two of my friends. Their names are Slash and Flea. I would introduce you to Ozzie, but he's dead."

"What happened?"

"I had to kill him, as he was trying to re-start a war."

"Oh."

"Flea is an expert in magic, and he will teach you a few tricks that I'm not able to do. Slash is a master swordsman, and his style of sword fighting is only one of several that you'll learn."

The finally arrived at the fort.

"This was Ozzie's Fort. It'll get torn down within the next 100 years. But for now, Slash and Flea still live here."

When they entered, they were greeted by two very surprised beings. One was bald, didn't have a nose, and had blue skin. The other looked very much like a woman, and had brown hair done in a ponytail.

"Hello you two," said Magil.

"Lord Magus!?" both of them responded.

"I suppose you two have been out of the loop. My name's Magil now."

The woman (at least, to Ranma's perception) stood in a seductive manner. "So, 'Magil,' have you come to finish us off just like you did Ozzie?"

"No, Flea. I have not." Now Ranma was confused. He thought Flea was a guy!

"What are you doing here then?" asked the blue man.

"Well, Slash, I have a new apprentice. He's going to learn some magic from Flea, and he's going to learn your sword style. His name is Ranma."

"Magil-sensei?"

"Yeah?"

"I thought Flea was a guy..."

"I _am_ a guy." Now Ranma was really confused.

"Flea is a shapeshifter," explained Magil. "He can take any form he wants, but he's found that the form of a woman greatly enhances his favorite spells, so he uses it all the time."

"It's always funny when people find that part out," commented Slash.

After learning a few of Flea's Fire-based spells, and mastering Slash's style (both of which took about six months total for the boy), they left to visit the Kingdom of Guardia...

"Halt! Who are you?" asked a soldier, who was holding a lance. On the other side of the door was another soldier, holding a crossbow.

"I am Magil. I am a... friend of Sir Glenn. May we see him?"

"I shall send for him," said the soldier with the crossbow. He entered the heavy metal door. When he returned, he had a frogman in tow.

"Hello, Glenn."

The frog blinked. Twice. "Ah, um... 'tis nice to see you! Come hither; walk with me."

They went back into Guardia Forest.

"Yer name, 'tis Magil now, eh? Not Magus?"

"Not anymore. And would you drop the stupid accent? It gets annoying."

"... sorry. Why are you here?"

"Glenn, I'd like you to meet my apprentice, Ranma." Ranma smiled.

"Hello Ranma. He can use magic, right?"

"Yes. His element is Fire, but I want you to teach him some Water magic, especially your healing abilities. I also want you to teach him your style of swordplay. He's already learned Slash's style."

"Ah, so he has mastery over that style? My style is somewhat more advanced and more strenuous. Especially since heavy broadswords are employed rather than the katana Slash uses."

Ranma concentrated as Glenn told him the basics of his style. Glenn was astonished at the speed that he learned the sword. He was also astonished that Ranma had gained a basic mastery over Water magic in less than four months. After those four months were up, Magil decided it was time to leave again.

"So where will you be headed?" Glenn thought about the question he just asked... "And _when_ will you be headed?"

"Going to go visit Ayla for lessons in unarmed combat," replied Magil.

"Ah. Well, Ranma, we may or may not meet again!"

Ranma bowed. "Thank you, Glenn-sensei. Goodbye!"

* * *

Ranma fell down into the river at the bottom of the mountain and quickly swam to the shore, while Magil gently floated down.

"You could've warned me about the fact that there was no ground there!"

"Sorry. I forgot that I haven't taught you how to fly yet."

"So where are we?"

"We are in the time before magic... well, sorta. It'll be a few more generations before the blue-haired Laruba tribe gains mastery over magic. But we'll be visiting the chief of the Ioka tribe. Her name is Ayla, and she's the strongest warrior in the world at this time."

"So, no more magic lessons right now?"

"I'll still teach you some stuff, but both of us are here to learn the original Martial Arts style for my world. It also happens to be the most powerful style as well."

Suddenly, Ranma saw something. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!"

Magil turned around. "Ah, a Gigasaur."

A large, fat, territorial lizard stood a little ways off, and it had noticed them. It roared at them, then it began to charge. Magil's hands began plucking the invisible lines of magic, and a bolt of lightning came from the clear sky and struck the dinosaur. It seemed to be paralyzed. Not one to question the logic as to why, Ranma simply cast a Fire-based spell:

"Burn Dart!"

FWOOSH! The lizard was engulfed in flames and quickly fell over, dead.

Then, something jumped out of the bushes on the ridge above and tackled Magil, pinning him to the ground. Ranma saw that it was a beautiful, blonde woman with brown eyes and wearing a bikini made out of cat fur and a pair of tan-hide boots. Ranma started blushing.

"Magus! Why you come back?"

"Hello, Ayla. First of all, get off me. Second, my name is Magil now." She got off of him and helped him to his feet. "And third, my apprentice and I came to learn your fighting techniques."

"What matter? Magic no work?" teased the cavewoman.

"No, it works fine. I just... think it's needed now."

"This your apprentice?"

"Yes, he is."

"Boy, what name?" She leaned forward, giving Ranma a better view of her assets.

"R-Ranma..."

"Is face always red like tomato?" she teased. He blushed even deeper. She turned back to Magil. "What his problem?"

"He's shy. That's the second reason why we've come to you for training. He needs to get used to being around women."

Ayla looked at Magil for a moment, then smiled a mischievous smile. "Really funny when we get to Ioka."

"Yeah it will be."

"Well, begin training right away! No magic, just feet! Try keep up!" And with that, she began to run down the ravine. Magil and Ranma were hard-pressed to keep up.

* * *

Ranma's face was as red as a beet when they made it to Ioka. Every single woman wore a bikini, or less. Magil and Ayla were quite amused at Ranma's behavior.

Also, Ranma quickly learned how strong women can be, and finally gave up the chauvinistic teachings of Genma.

* * *

"Ayla, show Ranma your Cat Fist!"

Ayla got down on all fours, and attacked her sparring partner, her husband Kino, with her nails and teeth.

"That's what the true Neko-Ken is like," explained Magil. "And it doesn't involve a pit full of cats."

"That's good," replied Ranma.

"... ouch," remarked Kino.

Within eight months, both Ranma and Magil were physically stronger and knew some of Ayla's techniques, like the Drill Kick, Cat Fist, Tail Spin, Rollo Kick, Beast Toss, and the powerful Triple Kick. Also, Ranma had learned how to break boulders with his fists, and learned spells like Dark Bomb and Dark Mist from Magil. And Ranma had turned eight years old as well.

While training in the Hunting Grounds, Ranma stumbled across a nest with a single blue egg in it.

"What is it, Ayla-sensei?"

"Look's like Nu's nest. Wonder where mother went..."

Magil floated over. "Ranma, do you hear the Black Wind?"

"Faint whisperings, yes."

"Something is about to happen to you, Ranma. But I don't know what."

"Egg hatching!" exclaimed Ayla. Ranma turned and got close to see the egg cracking. Suddenly, the shell exploded. In its place was a round, blue creature that resembled the form which Ranma first saw Spekkio in. When the creature opened its eyes, they centered squarely on Ranma.

"Nuuuu..." It then leapt at Ranma, knocking him down.

"Well, that was different," commented Magil.

"Baby Nu think Ranma is mother," said Ayla, mirth in her eyes.

"What about the real mother?" asked Ranma.

"Nus are strange creatures. If the egg hatches while the mother is away, then the first human or Nu it sees will be labeled as its mother. The real mother usually isn't resentful in the least, but let's leave before she gets back."

"I'm stuck with it, aren't I?"

"You are," said Ayla. Then she burst into laughter.

They spent another month getting the Nu fit for travel. Ranma decided to name him Jerikko.

Finally, it was time to leave.

"Come back someday! Ranma fun to train!" said Ayla.

"Me think is fun as well! Bring Jerikko too!" said Kino.

"Goodbye, Ayla-sensei, Kino-sensei!"

* * *

Over the next year, Ranma managed to learn Ice magic from Princess Nadia, Lightning magic from Prince Crono, and a few more Fire spells from Lucca in the year 1007 AD. Also, he learned additional techniques from Robo, Atropis, and some of the residents of the Proto Dome in the year 2308 AD. Mostly fighting styles though. And they spent another year learning science and robotics. Jerikko seemed to have a knack for machinery, and although he didn't have any magic (nor could he learn it), he did show a lot of talent for martial arts. His preferred weaponry was the gun and the broadsword.

Finally, they decided to return to Ranma's world...

"Okay, Ranma. We're going to spend the next few years here, and learn more Martial Arts styles. Also, I'll try to help you perfect your magic."

"Sounds alright. Let's get started!"

"Well, first of all, I want to teach you how to fight with a scythe."

"About time! Swords and guns are pretty cool, but a scythe is much better!"

"Nuuuu... I like guns and swords better!"

"Well," Ranma began. "Jerikko, that is your preference and your style."

"Also, I'll teach you how to store things in a dimensional pocket, using only a small amount of magical power."

* * *

About a month later, Magil decided to take a small break in the city for a bit. Ranma quickly became friends with the Kuonji family, who were close-by to where Magil had decided to stay. Ranma and Ukkyou had a lot of fun sparring, though Ranma was well above her level of skill. And what amused Magil and Mr. Kuonji to no end was that Ranma didn't even realize that Ukkyou was a girl. Also, the two of them enjoyed sparring with Jerikko.

A few months later, when it was time for them to leave...

"You know what, Zeal-san?"

Magil paused in the middle of his okonomiyaki. "What?"

"My daughter wants to marry Ranma."

"And?"

"Well, I was hoping to engage them!"

"I think Ranma's too young to think about marriage right now."

"I'll throw in my yattai as part of the dowry!"

Magil turned towards him. "Look, it's a nice yattai, I'm sure, but tell me what use a couple of warriors would have for such a thing?" Mr. Kuonji had no answer. "Neither Ranma nor I know how to cook, nor do we care to learn. And Jerikko can only cook simple dishes. Sorry, Kuonji-san, but maybe when they're older, I'll see if Ranma wants to marry her or not."

* * *

A few months later, Ranma ended up going to school for a semester, because Magil said it was necessary to learn how to socialize, at least a bit.

While getting bread from the lunch line, he happened to step on someone's head...

"OW! Hey! That was _my_ bread!" said the boy wearing a leopard-spot bandana.

"Not anymore," replied Ranma. He then pretty much inhaled the whole loaf.

"What's your name?"

"Ranma Zeal."

"I'm Hibiki Ryouga! And I will never forgive you for this insult!"

* * *

Ryouga had a habit of attacking Ranma whenever possible, but Ranma put him down every single time. Or at least, until after Ranma either led him home or to school. Ranma was astonished at Ryouga's extremely bad sense of direction.

By the end of the semester, Ranma received a challenge letter from Ryouga, asking him to meet in the empty lot behind his house a week later on the last day of school. Ranma and Magil were there, waiting.

"Ranma, he's not coming. He's three days late."

"One more day, Magil-sensei. Just one more."

"Nuu... He's just got a horrible sense of direction."

"Fine. Have it your way."

And when the next day arrived, so did Ryouga (at about noon-ish).

"FINALLY!" exclaimed Ranma.

"I (huff) am (huff) here (huff) to (huff) defeat (huff) you!" retorted Ryouga.

"Look, why don't we wait until tomorrow, when you've got your strength back?"

"Oh, I see! (huff) You're chickening out! (huff)"

"Maybe he was dropped on his head as a kid?" Magil offered.

"Most likely," agreed Jerikko.

"SHUT UP! Ranma Zeal, PREPARE TO DIE!"

Ryouga charged, and Ranma sidestepped at the last minute, tripping the Lost Boy. Ranma allowed him to get up, and then he swung at Ranma. Ranma rolled backwards to dodge, and then reversed his momentum to attack.

"Rollo Kick!"

As he rolled, he bounced into the air and then stopped spinning, with his foot extended towards Ryouga; and then he came down on him, hard! Ryouga was then seeing double.

"Hey! No fair, one at a time!"

_What an idiot,_ thought Ranma. He then simply used a left hook straight into Ryouga's jaw, knocking him out. Ranma then picked up the Lost Boy, and threw him bodily into his bedroom window, which luckily happened to be open.

"Alright, Magil-sensei. Let's go."

"Ranma?"

"Yeah?"

"You turn ten years old next month, right?"

"What are you getting at?"

"I think we should have a party at Lucca's or something."

"That'll be fun!"

"Nuu! What about me?"

"Oh yeah! You turn two years old soon, huh?"

"I suppose we'll have to have a party for him as well..."

"Why not just celebrate his birthday with mine?"

"Nuu... I like that idea!"

* * *

The next six years were mostly spent training on Ranma's world (in a variety of places, such as Japan and the US), though they did go back to Magil's world on occasion, if only to show what they've learned to all the teachers Ranma learned under.

For Ranma's sixteenth birthday, Crono, Nadia, and Lucca presented him with some new clothing. Strong but light boots (black), a shirt (red) and loose-fitting pants (dark blue) that had magically-resistant threads in them (invented by Lucca), and a black cape with a hood were what they gave him. Lucca gave him some of the Sun Stone, Nadia gave him the last piece of the Rainbow Shell, and Ayla gave him some Dreamstone, which they had Melchior of the Medina Village forge into a new scythe for him. Robo and Atropis gave him a cache of explosive weaponry, and Glenn gave Ranma a very strong buckler. Slash presented Ranma with a new katana, enchanted by Flea so that it would be a great conduit for magical energies. Crono taught Ranma the final move of his sword style: Confuse.

Ranma was very happy for his sixteenth birthday, as he had a few new toys and techniques to play with...

Jerikko had turned eight, and was finally the full-size that most Nus normally grow to. Robo, Atropis, and Lucca had built him some presents: a new gun, a broadsword with a retractable blade, and a jetpack powered by the last piece of the Sun Stone. Plus he got a slew of new tools and other such things that interested him.

* * *

One day while on Ranma's world, they came across a bunch of pools of water with bamboo poles coming out of them, and a house nearby.

"Magil-sensei?"

"Yeah, I also feel the aura of magic hanging over those pools. They might be cursed or enchanted. Let's find out from the person who lives in that house."

"Nuu. That house looks like a dump!"

"Jerikko, be on your best manners!"

"Okay, Ranma."

* * *

End Chapter One.

(Possible) Next Chapter: Amazons, fiancés, and Kunos! Oh my!

Author's Notes

Random idea I had a long time ago. Now that I've grown as a writer, I see it as rather juvenile. Still, I have some emotional attachment to it, so I'll have it in the Brain Dump... and I want someone to eventually take up the mantle and rewrite the whole story from the ground on up.


	4. JL, Ranma, Chrono Trigger, Magic TG

Sliver King Ranma

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Ranma certainly isn't mine; he belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. Neither does anyone from Justice League belong to me; DC owns them. I am not the owner of Lavos; Square Enix is. There is no way in Hell that the slivers belong to me; Wizards of the Coast holds all rights to them. Anything else alluded to belongs to whoever owns it.

Prologue

* * *

He was a mortal, and like all mortals, he got lonely. He felt guilty about succumbing to his desires, but it **had** been quite some time since his wife had died... since everyone but he himself had died. But no matter. What mattered now was fixing what he had done. At least the woman who had attracted his desire was to marry tomorrow, despite her father's wishes. That way, she would not get in trouble for the baby that he had accidentally given to her. How was he to know that his race could successfully mate with humans? Well, he erased everything that happened from the woman's memory.

Now to work on the child. He couldn't just kill the male fetus. It was part of his dying race, plus it did nothing wrong. For some reason, it had already developed a second personality: one was like himself, and already aware and trying to mind-link with him, and the other was human and still lacking activity. Apparently, humans need their brain fully developed in order to think, whereas he only needed his to control his body. No matter. He needed to make sure that the boy seemed normal, so that he could grow up the way most human children do. Ironically, his son wouldn't be able to live such a life; not that he knew that.

He opened a mind-link with the personality that was aware and quickly explained everything. The mind agreed with his plan. They broke the link and he could feel the mind already putting psychic barriers through itself and the human mind.

Then the being left to return to sleep on Mars. He was Jon Jones, the Martian Manhunter. He would not awaken again for another two decades.

Sixteen years later, a redheaded girl and a panda were seen walking the streets of Nerima...

* * *

Chapter One: Larva

* * *

"RANMA NO BAKA!" Akane screamed while pulling the mother of all mallets out of hammerspace.

Ranma didn't know what was wrong with her. She would fly off the handle for almost no reason these days. Was she still mad about the wedding fiasco? It's not like it was his fault, but then again, logic didn't matter to Akane. What was his current "offense" that warranted her anger this time? SHE tripped on a rock, and she thought that he had stuck his foot out from over TEN FEET AWAY.

'What is wrong with that woman?' Ranma wondered as he started running. He began to gain some distance, but to no avail as his right leg was hurting really bad. The last time that Kuno, Mousse, and Ryouga all had gang-attacked him, Ryouga actually managed to cause three separate hairline fractures on his femur. Sure, he did heal it quickly, but it wasn't set properly (as Akane insisted she bandage it herself) and it hurt whenever he put weight on it.

Just as he was about to round a corner, he stepped on his right foot incorrectly, causing him to stumble. That was all that Akane needed to send her fiancée into LEO (lower Earth orbit). While he began his ascent, Ranma realized he didn't envy Superman.

While in the air, Ranma began to twist himself about so that he'd land somewhere decent. But he was concentrating on the ground and he didn't notice the transdimensional anomaly that had suddenly appeared above his head until it was too late. In layman's terms, it was a magical wormhole. Ranma became sucked into it and would not be heard from again for another six years...

* * *

Location: Riptide Facilities  
Continent: Otaria  
Plane: Dominaria  
Researcher: Stovemn  
Research Log: 01-P9-5773

The planar rift experiment 97-T3 (see Research Log: 97-T3-2899) ended in failure. However, a new type of portal appeared, linking our multiverse with a distant universe. Human specimen fell through the portal. Specimen was renamed as Subject R9-42 and quickly sedated.

Subject R9-42 shows remarkable healing capabilities. Infusion of sliver genetic material into Subject R9-42 has begun.

Research Log: 01-P9-5774

Subject R9-42 has accepted the genetic material of the slivers with ease, but entire brainwave pattern has shut down. Reeves believes it an allergic reaction to the sedative. Beginning treatments to reverse the problem. Magic and chemical solutions will be used.

Research Log: 01-P9-5781

Subject R9-42 has not recovered. Cephalids suggest dumping him into another universe. Heads of other projects agree.

Researcher: Reeves  
Research Log: 97-T3-2904

Much to Stovemn's distress, it was decided to dump Subject R9-42 into a different universe than the one he was pulled from. Opening planar riftgate.

Research Log 97-T3-2905

Disposal of Subject R9-42 was a success. Closing of portal had some difficulty, and planar riftgate was severely damaged due to unexpected temporal anomaly. No other complications.

* * *

"Well those two weeks were inconvenient," said Martian Ranma, within Ranma's mindscape. "Wouldn't you agree?"

"must consume! need more strength!" responded Sliver Ranma.

"Our newest addition to the mindscape seems to be as primal as Neko," commented Ranma's Martian half. "Perhaps I'll have to resurface. It has been nearly nineteen years since I buried myself into Human Ranma's subconscious. Hmm... seems that the portal from the Riptide Facilities is still open and slowly closing. No matter. Sliver?"

"what you want?"

"Take control of the body for now. I have work to do."

Ranma's Sliver personality moved to the front of the mind, taking control of the body. Then it began to panic. Seeing the Sliver panic, Martian approached.

"What's wrong?"

"lungs burning! no air!"

"What?! Oh no... They dumped us in the vacuum of space!"

"wait... red star thing coming."

"That's not a star, I think it's alive. It's headed straight for us!"

"if alive, then it not need air. me consume, gain same power!"

"Hopefully you can eat it fast enough to save us..."

* * *

The creature hurled itself through the void of space, fleeing the planet that its progenitor had claimed as its host. The ancients had named it Lavos, and the creature was called a Lavos Spawn. It would eventually return to that world and take revenge on it for resisting the natural order. Planets and their populaces were things to be consumed by Lavoses. Lavoses weren't supposed to be killed by some "heroes" or whatever!

_What's this?_ it thought. _An obstacle?__ No matter. It is small and suffocating. It isn't a threat._

It then slammed head-first into Ranma's body, but the Sliver within had turned Ranma so that his head would hit the other's head.

Ranma's head verses the head of a Lavos Spawn? Ranma's head was much harder!

The Sliver immediately began to eat, and the first thing it ate was the head of the Lavos Spawn.

* * *

Martian Ranma was worried. They were running out of time. They were going to die. Then, a new personality began to form. Martian was surprised. Apparently, Sliver had eaten the creature's brains first. Interesting.

Lavos Ranma awakened toward the back of the mind. It immediately contacted Martian. "What's going on?"

"We're going to die, that's what!"

Lavos then shuffled past Martian so it could see what Sliver was doing. Along the way, it passed the box that held the madness of the Neko Ken, and the stasis field where Human Ranma slept.

"I have an idea. Sliver, out of the way!"

"no!"

"You'll kill us if you don't!"

"... fine."

Sliver moved to the side to make room for Lavos.

"It wouldn't do for us to appear near Riptide, so I'll just have to redirect us elsewhere," stated Lavos.

"Agreed," replied Martian.

* * *

Ranma pointed an appendage at the portal behind him and conjured a Timegate within it, then he pointed another appendage at the remains of the Lavos Spawn he was devouring and detonated the spell Dark Bomb within it, hurling himself into the Timegate. The Timegate closed and the portal collapsed soon after.

* * *

"can breathe again!"

"Go ahead and eat whatever other remains of that Lavos Spawn made it through with us," suggested Lavos, as he returned control to Sliver.

"That's what it was called?" asked Martian.

"Yes. As a Lavos, we now have genetic memory, at least of our Lavos self."

"Interesting. Maybe I should wake up our human self?"

"Please do; he needs to know what he is now."

Martian knelt near the stasis field and touched it. Slowly, it dissipated. Then Ranma's original personality sprang to consciousness.

"GAH! Where am I?"

"Ranma," said Martian, cleaning out his ear in an irritated fashion. "Calm down. This is your mind."

Human Ranma looked around. He could see a little black box toward the back, and near him were a grayish-green humanoid with a conical head, a creature that looked like a cross between a turtle and a hedgehog with only one eye, and an insectoid with a wedge-shaped head at the front.

"This is my mind?"

"Yes," replied Martian.

"I must have gone crazy..."

"Actually, I caused it so that you would have separate personalities in order to prevent you from going insane."

"So, you're my original personality?"

"You and I both are." Ranma was surprised at this.

"What do you mean?"

"You were born half-Martian," replied Martian Ranma. "Genma was never our father."

"Who is our father?" Ranma was relieved that he really wasn't related to that idiot.

"I don't know, but I believe he's still alive."

Ranma figured that as long as his father is still alive, then everything would be okay. He decided to change the subject. "So I was born with a split personality?"

"Correct."

"What is that bug thingy?" In response, Sliver grunted in an annoyed tone, but continued his work at the front of the mind.

"Your Sliver self. When the Riptide scientists experimented on us, he was created."

"And you?" Ranma asked the Lavos personality.

"I'm new," he replied. "You acquired me when Sliver ate the brains of a Lavos Spawn. It was needed in order to survive."

Ranma figured that it was okay. "And what's that little box?"

Martian responded to the question. "That is the Neko Ken."

Ranma's eyes went wide. He didn't want to let the c-c-c-c... one of those things out. Yet there it was. He could easily let it out at any time now, assuming he could get back inside his own mindscape. Not that he wanted to.

Martian got Ranma's attention again. "You know, the only reason why he takes full control of the body and stuffs your personality into the box is because you won't let him out."

Ranma blinked. When he opened his mouth to say something, Sliver spoke up. "all done eating Lavos Spawn. let Neko out to play, yes?"

Ranma was bigsweating. He didn't want to let the c-c-c-c... one of those things out. Wait... he already thought that, didn't he?

"hold it!" Sliver hissed. "something else here. come here Human. share control with you."

Ranma blinked. Martian and Lavos both urged him to join Sliver at the front of the mind and assured him that they would deal with Neko later. Ranma was relieved to have control of his body again, even if he had to share it with Sliver. He soon knew why Sliver wanted to share it with him though. His newly awakened shape-shifting abilities would take some training to get used to, and Sliver was helping him learn how to use them.

* * *

Ranma examined his surroundings. He was in an exotic forest of some kind. His Sliver personality said that there was someone here... but where?

He then noticed a small pool of water near where he was. He took a look at his reflection and was surprised. His skin was slightly greenish in color, he had a dark green sliver stinger arm coming out of the right side of his back, and he had the twin tails that slivers have coming out of the base of his spine. They were also dark green. He saw that he was wearing a black shirt that was cut to allow his stinger to move freely, and his brown pants were similarly cut to allow the movement of his tails. Then he noticed his hair. Dark brown with black tips. He realized that his green skin was because of the Martian in him, and the hair color was very similar to the coloring of Lavos's spines. Then he heard something.

_Sliver-thing..._

Ranma looked around again. Still no one. Why did he hear someone speak to him though? Then his Martian personality told him that it was a form of telepathy.

_Sliver-thing..._

"Yes? Hello?"

_Why are you... in my forest?_

"Well, I came here by accident. Who are you?"

_Multani_

"Okay, my name's Ranma. What are you?"

_Words are... difficult..._

"What are you talking about?"

A nearby tree opened up as if it were a mouth of some sort. His Lavos personality warned him to be wary.

_Please... enter... I shall... show you..._

"You think I'll fall for that trap? It's the oldest trick in the book!"

_Not trap... it is doorway..._

Ranma's Martian personality informed him that this Multani creature meant no harm. Ranma entered the mouth-like cavity and soon found himself inside of a cavern. A group of vines completely covered one wall of the cave. How they grew there without sunlight Ranma didn't know. The only light came from a group of white glowing mushrooms in the center of the cavern. The vines began shifting as something began to form in the center of the wall. Something made of wood. Ranma realized it was a mask, just large enough to cover his own face. Once it finished forming, he heard the disembodied voice again.

_Ranma... wear mask... to talk directly... to me..._

Not only was his Martian personality urging him to do so, but his Sliver personality agreed with the Martian. His Lavos personality was still being paranoid. Ranma decided to put on the mask. He pulled it off the wall of vines, and it came off as easily as ripping a poster off of a wall. As soon as the mask touched his face, all of his active personalities were transported to a mindscape. His body stood there in a trance.

* * *

Ranma looked around. There was a sort of void around him and his other personalities, but the void wasn't black or grey or other such colors - it was a vivid green. Soon, he noticed something different in the void. It was a man made of plants, and it had the same wooden mask that Ranma had put on his face only moments before. The plantman politely bowed, bending at the waist (or what passed for one). Ranma returned the gesture. Then the plantman spoke.

"Greetings Ranma," he said. "Greetings to all four of you. I am Multani, keeper of Yavimaya."

"Where are we?" was Human Ranma's first question.

"Inside of my mind."

"So... what happened to my body?"

"It is standing where it was," began Martian Ranma. "Paralyzed."

"I had you enter the cave so that your body would be safe from the wild beasts that prowl Yavimaya," stated Multani.

"Why did you wish to talk with us?" demanded Lavos Ranma. Human Ranma smacked him in the face/eye/mouth/dimensional-vortex/whatever-the-Hell-it-is. A leaf on the mask of Multani that was directly above one of the eyes performed the Spock Maneuver.

"Behave," commanded Human Ranma. "Please continue, Multani."

"Very well. I'm not sure you were able to sense the time rift over the continent of Yavimaya, but it is tearing the world, and the multiverse, apart. I sent most of my consciousness into the rift in an attempt to heal it. But it seems that I am not enough. And I am trapped there."

"want us get you out?" asked Sliver Ranma.

"Your very presence on Yavimaya has begun that process. It will be slow, and take several months, but I shall be completely returned to full strength. And I do feel that you have the power to heal the time rift itself as well. It will also be a slow process, but you can do it without loss of life. It could very well be completed in half a year."

"Okay," said Human Ranma. "We'll do it. Just tell us what to do."

Multani pointed at Lavos Ranma. "He should know how to do it. In the meantime, I'll need you to maintain and enhance Yavimaya's natural defenses. The trees, flowers, grasses, ferns, and other plants have grown far too wild, and have mutated. The Treefolk are dwindling in number. The Elves are beginning to flee, and the human druids are being killed in the confusion. The monstrous beasts are raging out of control, and the various other creatures are causing all sorts of havoc. And then there is the resident hive of slivers, running amok, devouring everything. They need to be brought under control; I think you should start there first."

"Sounds like a plan," agreed Human Ranma. "We'll start on the slivers, then use them to hunt down the beasts who are out of control. Then I will coax those Elves and druids into remaining on Yavimaya. They will help heal the Treefolk and the forests. Hopefully, I'll be done before you come out of the rift."

"Why are you doing this?" asked Lavos Ranma.

"yeah," Sliver Ranma said. "why?"

Human Ranma turned to face them. He had a half-lidded glare. "Because," he said coldly. "It's the right thing to do. This world is dying, and we not only have the power but the responsibility to see that it's healed."

Then Human Ranma noticed the black box that was in his mind earlier was there with them. "YOU BROUGHT THE NEKO-KEN HERE?!"

"Yes," replied Multani. "Your ailurophobia needs to be cured. Many of the predators in Yavimaya happen to be cats."

"Kuso," cursed Human Ranma.

"Open the box," coaxed Multani. "With my knowledge and love of the beasts, I can help you gain control and inner peace."

Human Ranma's shoulders slumped. Then he sat cross-legged next to the box, and opened the lid. A tiger cub with black and red fur, admittedly strange coloring for a tiger, simply climbed out of the box. Human Ranma shivered. The cub simply looked around, and then its eyebrow performed the well-known quizzical Spock Maneuver.

"What's wit' all da green?" asked Neko Ranma, in a surprisingly child-like voice. "An' why am I out when 'ere ain't ev'n a cat 'round?"

Human Ranma passed out. Well, he tried to. It is impossible to pass out in a mindscape, though you could easily put one of your personalities into stasis. Human Ranma didn't know how to do that, so he simply fell backwards and closed his eyes. Multani and Ranma's other personalities sweatdropped.

"Human," whispered Sliver Ranma in Human Ranma's ear. "you not able to pass out."

It was Human Ranma's turn to sweatdrop. He sat up with some assistance from Sliver Ranma. Martian Ranma quickly explained to Neko Ranma that they had to cure Human Ranma from his fear of cats. Neko Ranma nodded in understanding.

"I'll help on one cond'shun," he said. "Ya'll 'll let me out ta play ev'ry so of'tin."

"Agreed," said the Martian and Lavos Ranmas. Human Ranma looked at Neko Ranma for a moment, then turned his head to Sliver Ranma's wedge-shaped, eyeless head. Sliver Ranma nodded.

"Agreed," said Human Ranma meekly.

"agreed," said Sliver Ranma.

"And now all are agreed," Multani began. "Time to cure an irrational fear."

* * *

It was three hours after he had placed the mask on his face that he finally broke out of the trance. Multani had told him that if he ever needed to contact Multani again before he was freed of the rift, he'd simply have to wear the mask. Ranma, using a combination of the Hidden Weapons Technique and Lavos's knowledge of the space-time continuum, placed the mask in a sub-dimensional pocket (which Ranma decided to call sub-space). Ranma quickly found the exit to the cavern, which he sensed was another magical portal, and he entered it. He found himself in the same clearing where Multani had first spoken to him. Ranma expanded his senses using the powers of Martian and Lavos, and using Sliver's ability to identify other slivers to determine where the hive was. He found it. Southeast. Ranma began tree-hopping towards it.

As he approached the lair, he began to hear the hive's communications through his Sliver self. Most of what they said was along the lines of where food was. And considering that slivers consider everything other than other slivers to be food...

Once the first sliver noticed Ranma the hive went into a panic. At first Ranma thought that he'd have to fight them, but he noticed that they stayed out of his way. The slivers were also calling in all of the members of their hive to return. The discussion was no longer about food.

_... all return..._ the slivers were saying._ Queen-Not-Queen come... Elder come see... move for Queen-Not-Queen... stop hunting, return now..._

Ranma noticed all kinds of slivers. Some were no bigger than a housecat while others were absolutely gigantic. Some had more than one stinger arm while others had either a single tail or more than two tails. Ranma even noticed one sliver who had two heads, six stingers, and three tails. A few slivers had eyes and others looked like large spiders with the wedge-shaped head. Ranma also saw that these spider slivers had spinnerets just like spiders. In total, there were only 1,241 slivers on Yavimaya; Lavos was keeping count.

Soon a sliver about the size of a man slithered forward. Like many of the slivers, it too had only one stinger arm and twin tails. Also one eyeless head. When it arrived in front of Ranma, the entire hive quieted. Even their telepathy quieted down.

_... I Elder,_ it began. _oldest__ sliver here. Recognize you as Queen-Not-Queen._

Ranma's suspicions were correct, but he would've preferred that they used a more masculine name for him.

"Don't call me 'Queen-Not-Queen'," he responded. "Call me... King. King Ranma."

_... King... we ready to serve King! King is Hive Mind!_ With that mental statement by the Elder, all the slivers in the hive hissed and clicked their tongues as one.

Ranma shook his head. What kind of mess was he in now? He suddenly realized that he didn't know a lot about the slivers. Then his other personalities explained things to him. Slivers evolve very quickly and are very aggressive. They tend to fight as a mob unless under direction. They also share their adaptations with their fellows in the same Hive Mind. They gained adaptations from the things they eat. Other than that, they were pretty brainless and mindlessly slaughtered whatever they came across. If they found something stronger than they, they would retreat and come back in much greater numbers.

Ranma took all this information in, and noticed that the entire hive was waiting for a command. Ranma was determined to give these creatures free will, as they would be slaves to whoever figured out how to control them. Looking back on his life and noticing that he wasn't in control for the whole thing, he was determined to make sure that noone, not even the slivers, suffered what he did.

He noticed that his individuality was indeed an adaptation. So he shared it with his new hive. At first, the slivers were confused, then a few chose to be angry.

_what__ you do!_ demanded over a hundred of the slivers. _you__ make us weak!_

Ranma knew exactly which slivers said that. Many of them happened to be slivers who were over three-hundred years old.

"Weak?" began Ranma. "You think the ability to choose is a _weakness_? BAKA!" The whole hive slithered (or stepped) back in fear. "Don't you realize how easily manipulated you were? Don't you realize that any idiot could control you to do stupid things if they knew how?" Ranma took a deep breath to calm himself down. "Now, I'm not going to force anyone to do anything. If you wish to remain a part of my hive, then I accept. If you don't, then you can leave this continent by whatever means you are able and join another hive. However, the individuality adaptation will spread throughout the world if you leave."

Fifty-seven of the slivers decided to leave. They were mostly the smaller ones, but the only one that had an important ability was the Winged Sliver. Amazingly, the Elder sliver, a Muscle Sliver, decided to remain. Now with a reduced hive of 1,184 slivers, Ranma decided to get to work.

"Now," began Ranma. "We have to make Yavimaya into a fortress. To do this, we will need the help of the Elves, humans, and treefolk. In order to gain their trust, they are now no longer a part of your diets. We shall hunt down the large beasts and feed off of them instead..."

Ranma continued directing them throughout the night.

* * *

End Chapter One.

Next Chapter: Fire, new slivers, and martial arts.

Author's Notes

Good Lord this was a bad idea! Too many crossover elements!

Anyway, cleaning up my profile, moving my abandoned and up-for-adoption stories into the Brain Dump.

For those of you who care:

Spellbook:

Dark Bomb  
A concentration of dark magical energies centered on a single point, then detonated in the form of an explosion. Lavos Ranma learned it from the Lavos Spawn.

Timegate  
Creates a Timegate anywhere in space, to any point in time or space. Natural ability of Lavoses.

Bestiary:

Treefolk  
Kind of like an Ent. A tree who is able to move and fight and think.

Sliver  
Sort of like insects, but with wedge-shaped heads and stingers or tails for appendages.

Elves  
The Elves of Yavimaya are the stereotypical tall, graceful, tree-hugging racists that most fiction makes them out to be. They are excellent fighters, though.

Druids  
Humans that live a life similar to the Elves. Druids heal plants and tend to them, believing the whole world to be a garden.

Maro-Sorcerer  
Multani is one of these. He is an entity made of whatever plants happen to be in the area, though his facemask tends to remain the same, but made of varying materials. Maros are one of the most powerful magical creatures on the world of Dominaria. A Maro-Sorcerer is even more powerful, and Multani has been known to win fights against Planeswalkers.

Planeswalker  
A God-like being. They tend to be any shape and size but they all have nigh-infinite mana reserves for magic. They can also choose whatever form they wish, as their body simply happens to be shell or puppet for their soul. Planeswalkers are nigh-immortal, but can be killed. A Planeswalker is created when certain special circumstances awaken the hidden "spark" that exists in one out of every million sentient life-forms. Their most distinguishing ability is the ability to Planeswalk (sometimes referred to as 'walking). They are able to teleport to any part of a planet (plane), or into what's called the Blind Eternities (the space between planes) and from there to any other plane.

Cephalid  
Crafty octopus-like creature. Tend to love meddling in politics, magic, and science. Their emperor once had world-domination plans.

Sliver Index:

Winged Sliver  
A sliver with bat-like wings. Grants flight to the hive. Mana is blue. Only sliver mentioned not in Ranma's hive.

Muscle Sliver  
An older variety of sliver. Increases strength and toughness of the hive by a decent amount. Mana is green.

Might Sliver  
Descended from the Muscle Sliver. These titanic slivers increase the strength and toughness of the hive by a large amount. Mana is green.

Watcher Sliver  
New type of sliver with a new (to slivers) sense. Grants eyes to the hive. Mana is white.

Two-Headed Sliver  
New type of sliver. Has two heads. Makes the hive more unpredictable in combat. Mana is red.

Spinneret Sliver  
Descended from slivers who ate an unnatural amount of giant spiders. Has spinnerets. Grants spider-like reflexes and flexibility to the hive. Mana is green.

More slivers to be mentioned in upcoming chapters.


	5. Sliver King Ranma ch2

Sliver King Ranma

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: This end up.

Chapter Two: Task and Kanji Mages

* * *

It had been about a month and yet Ranma had quickly taken control of the entire hive's comings and goings. He was directing his slivers to come up with new breeds, and had already thought of two: Amphibious and Gardening Slivers. Amphibious for obvious reasons. Gardening because he needed to attract more forms of mana to Yavimaya. He only had access to green and red and very little supply of blue and white (mostly green though). He also wanted black, just so that he could have a full set.

The Amphibious Sliver wasn't much of a problem to conduct the evolution for. He just had to have some slivers eat a large number of frogs, toads, and fish. Lots and lots of fish. Especially that large sixty-foot eel that had attacked the coast last week.

The Gardening Slivers were proving much more difficult to breed for. He had thought of everything, and short of having his slivers devour the elves, nothing seemed like it was going to work. And eating the elves would've had bad PR with the other races on Yavimaya after all.

To top it off, a strange reptilian species began popping out of huge fissures in the ground, attacking his hive. They were usually bipedal with two smaller arms and a short tail to balance themselves. Their heads were huge and contained some evil-looking tusks as well as several rows of sharp teeth. He had contacted Multani about them and the old Maro-Sorcerer told him that they were called "kavu" and were dangerous and efficient predators who sometimes hunted in packs. The last time they had appeared, Yavimaya was under attack by the Phyrexians over 300 years ago. Apparently, Ranma's very presence had drawn the beasts back to the surface.

_How to solve this problem?_ asked Ranma rhetorically, though he was sure he was going to get an answer.

_maybe_ _you can eat it?_ suggested Sliver.

_Actually, I think that's a good idea,_ agreed Martian.

_I'm hungray too!_ said Neko.

_You're always hungry!_ stated Lavos. _And that shouldn't be possible!_

Ranma shook his head. He was pretty sure he was no longer sane. Not like he even cared anymore.

_see_ _that?_ asked Sliver. _that_ _kavu move trees around!_

Yup. Sliver was right. One of those kavu was transplanting trees around and...

Ranma summoned some of the more expert hunters in his hive to start feeding on the kavu that moved trees around. In fact, he figured they should just use the stupid lizards as a new food source anyway. Yavimaya no longer needed these ancient reptilians anymore for it had the slivers to defend it now.

* * *

Another couple of days later, one of his scouts, a Watcher Sliver, spotted something that made it nervous. It requested that Ranma come check it out.

"So where is the scary thing?" asked the King.

_Over the next rise,_ replied the sliver, pointing in the right direction.

"Say, is your grammar getting better?"

_I guess so..._

"Good. Keep working on it."

Ranma quietly climbed over the rise to find something that shocked him. A beautiful human woman. Here. In the middle of the Yavimayan forest. And she didn't look anything like the few druids his slivers had seen.

She had black hair in a wild mane and brown eyes. She had a pair of large goggles that looked as though they were used for welding sitting on her forehead. She wore black leather that was almost skintight and had a black studded belt around her waist. She also had a black scarf made of silk. On the ground next to her was a very heavy-looking coat, as if she had expected the weather to be very cold. Why it she would think that it would snow in the tropical climate of Yavimaya Ranma might never know.

Using his heightened senses, Ranma picked up that she was thinking out loud and hadn't noticed him yet. He also picked up that she had a huge amount of red mana at her disposal.

"I should have ended up in Argoth when I used that teleportation scroll Jodah had lying around," she mused as she looked around. "Well, what was left of Argoth at least. This place looks more beautiful than the stories said Argoth once was, before the Brothers' War... Oh, I wish Jodah was here so he could tell me how I botched that stupid spell. And the world is supposed to be in that stupid Ice Age that a certain elf 'Walker refused to end. Jodah, you wuss! How come you had to let yourself get enthralled by that damn Weaver King!? He made me kill you before I managed to kill him... I wish someone would come and tell me where the hell I am!"

Ranma managed to sneak up on her and decided to announce himself. "Wish granted!" he called out from four meters behind her.

She yelped and turned around pointing a finger at him. Before he knew it, Ranma was engulfed in flames hotter than any of the ones Saffron once threw at him. His clothes were instantly turned to ash.

"DAMMIT!" screamed the woman. "He was my first contact!"

Ranma noticed something: as fast as the fire could consume his hair or skin, it regenerated at the exact same rate.

_Any idea why I'm still alive?_ he queried.

_You remember the Full-Body Cat's Tongue Shiatsu and the Phoenix_ _Pill?_ asked Martian.

_Yeah._

_The Full-Body Cat's Tongue Shiatsu wears off._

_So?_

_The Phoenix_ _Pill doesn't. That's why Saffron's fire didn't do as much damage as it should have._

_Still doesn't explain why I'm surviving these flames that are much hotter than the stupid bird's._

_It's because you're part Lavos,_ chimed in Lavos. _A Lavos is supposed to survive the heat from entering a planet's atmosphere and the heat from the core of a planet. Though you only have a fraction of a Lavos's power, you still have that adaptation to a degree._

It made sense to Ranma. After asking Lavos how to put out the flames, he extinguished them.

"That hurt, you know," stated Ranma to the woman.

"What the-!?" She set him on fire again. And Ranma put it out.

"Would you please stop doing that? I haven't done anything to you!"

"Why don't you burn!? What the hell are you!?"

"I am the Sliver King."

"Slivers?" She set him on fire again. He put it out again.

"I am going to ask you for the last time to CUT IT OUT!" Suddenly realizing something, Ranma moved his stinger down in front of him. "You jerk! Those were my only clothes!"

"Oh. Sorry." She then made a show of trying to look behind his stinger. They might not be the same species, but she considered this unburnable guy to be really cute. Too bad they got off on the wrong foot.

Once Ranma realized what she was doing, he blushed. He then asked his other personalities if there was a way to get his clothes back. He really didn't want to go around naked. The other slivers might not care, but he at least wanted some form of civilization around here. Martian came up with a solution: Martians could shape-shift clothing onto themselves. Ranma tried it, producing a facsimile of his favorite red silk shirt and black silk pants combo.

"I thought you said they were your last set of clothing..."

"I just figured out a trick to conjure new ones. By the way, my name's Ranma, King of the Slivers of Yavimaya."

"So that's where I am! Anyway, my name is Jaya Ballard, the best Task Mage there is!"

She kind of reminded Ranma of himself back when he was in Nerima.

"Well Jaya, how did you end up here?"

"I was using a teleport scroll to get to the frozen wastes of Argoth, but no such luck. I'm looking for a way to get back at the Phyrexians for killing my friends."

"Jaya?"

"Yeah?"

"The last of the Phyrexians died out about 250 years ago."

"... WHAT!?"

"They no longer exist! I'm serious! That's what Multani said!"

"Multani? But, he's been dead for more than 500 years!"

Ranma was confused. Then he had an idea.

_Hey Lavos?_ _Any possibility that Jaya came from an alternate uni... er, multiverse?_

_Very likely._ _Her dimensional signature is slightly out of phase with our surroundings. The Rift above Yavimaya may have transported her to our reality._

_Ah. Thanks._

"Jaya, calm down. I think you came from an alternate multiverse."

"What?" She looked at him as if he were crazy.

He took some time to explain things to her. He also explained that he was also displaced from his home universe.

"Okay. Jodah once explained to me his theory about multiple multiverses and something called quantum physics and whatnot. I guess his theory was correct."

"I think the main cause for you to be dropped here is the Rift above us."

"Rift?"

"Caused by something Multani called the 'Destruction of Argoth'. Can't you feel it sucking the mana away from the land at a steady rate?"

"Well, yeah. I can feel it... Wait a minute! Did you just say 'Argoth'?"

"Yeah..."

"I was trying to get to Argoth! I guess I made it after all!"

"I guess that means that Yavimaya was once Argoth..."

"Say, where is Multani? I haven't talked to him in five centuries." Ranma had a sudden realization and looked at Jaya funny. "What?"

"How were you able to live that long? I knew an old lady and a perverted old man who were each over three-hundred years old, but they actually looked their age!"

"A secret of the Unseen Academy which Jodah showed me."

"Oh. Well, Multani is stuck in the Rift. I communicate with him through this." Ranma pulled Multani's mask from sub-space.

"How? Do you talk to it?"

"No. You wear it and it opens a psychic link with him."

"Can I see him now?"

"Sure, but let's find a more secure location, such as back at my hive. Wouldn't want you to get eaten by a random kavu or wurm. Wearing the mask induces temporary paralysis."

"Well? What are we waiting for? Let's get going!"

Ranma began leading Jaya back to the hive, stopping to scratch the Watcher Sliver at the base of her skull, eliciting contented clicking noises from her. Jaya nearly set the poor sliver on fire though, but she managed to dodge it, thanks to Ranma's training.

"Jaya, I can't have you constantly trying to kill my slivers. You need to stop trying to toast them."

"Why? Aren't they just mindless drones?"

"NO! They aren't. I made sure of that. They are now thinking individuals just like you and me."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it!" Ranma knew she wasn't going to set any of them on fire, except for him as they both knew he could easily survive it.

* * *

After talking to Multani, Jaya agreed to help Ranma with his cause to save Dominaria. Shortly after, Ranma completed the evolution of the Gardening Slivers. They began to make a bay near the hive and an island in the middle of the bay. After they were finished putting a swamp on the middle of the island, the slivers began panicking. Ranma and Jaya chose to investigate.

In the middle of the newly finished swamp was a man with black hair just standing there. His green eyes were unfocused as if he were blind. His hair was tied in a samurai's topknot that went into a waist-long ponytail and his dark red robes were the same color as blood. On his belt was a katana and a jitte (a small knife with an additional but smaller blade just forward of the main blade; used for catching an opponent's blade) in their respective scabbards as well as a pouch. The man also looked Japanese. Jaya thought that the man also looked cute.

Ranma soon realized that the man was somewhat confused. So he addressed him.

"Hello? Can you understand me?" The man turned to Ranma and cocked his head, so Ranma tried it again in Japanese. This time the man understood.

"Hai. Wakarimasu." Realizing that Jaya didn't understand Japanese, Ranma quickly cast a translation enchantment on the man.

"Okay, can you understand me this time?"

"Yes I ca-... What did you do to me?"

"I enchanted you so you could understand our language."

"Ask permission next time." The man scratched his head and sighed. "Well, since I'm blind and removed from my home plane of Kamigawa... can I stay here?" Ranma had heard the term "plane" before. It was what the denizens of this multiverse called a world.

"I guess. My name is King Ranma."

"I am Jaya Ballard."

"My name is Umezawa Toshiro," said the man proudly. "But my friends call me 'Toshi'."

"Well Toshi, welcome to the continent of Yavimaya of the plane named Dominaria!"

"Thanks. Um, what were those things that hissed and made clicking sounds as soon as I arrived?"

"Those were Ranma's slivers," answered Jaya.

"Never met a sliver before. Are they anything like an Orochi or a Nezumi?"

"No," answered Ranma. "If you don't mind me asking, were you born blind?"

"No," sighed Toshi. "As punishment for not doing things exactly the way she wanted, my Megami, the Myojin of Night's Reach, blinded me and stranded me here."

"Well, I asked because you have an enchantment on your eyes. Let me see if I can remove it."

Ranma concentrated and was able to remove the enchantment from Toshi, though it left Ranma virtually exhausted. He was hungry enough to eat a whole wurm!

Somewhere else in the Multiverse, a certain kami became pissed that her charge had one of his punishments lifted only shortly after she had bestowed it upon him.

"I can see!" Toshi exclaimed. Then he noticed Ranma. "That's an odd skin color for a human."

"I'm not exactly a human," said Ranma. "I'm also King of the Slivers."

"And that would make the lovely lady be Jaya, correct?"

Jaya blushed and nodded. Then she smacked herself. She was getting giddy like a child or a teenager! What was wrong with her!?

"Doesn't talk much, does she?"

"Actually, I usually can't get her to shut up." Ranma suddenly found himself engulfed in flames which he quickly put out. "Hit a nerve, did I?"

"Yeah, but I feel better," said Jaya.

Toshi was astonished. "Nani!? Naze!?"

Ranma shook his head. "Don't worry about it. She sets me on fire for stress relief. Not to worry though - I'm immune to the flames." Ranma turned to leave. "Well, let's go to the hive and see if we can't secure you some living quarters."

Ranma, even with all of his martial arts training and additional reflexes from Neko and the slivers, still managed a klutzy moment when he tripped on a tree root and went straight into the swamp water. She came up as being slightly shorter, having reddish-brown hair, and a couple of protrusions on her chest.

"KUSO!" screamed the now female Ranma. She got up and noticed the looks her companions were giving her. "What!?"

"Weren't you a guy just a second ago?" queried Jaya.

"It's a curse I've had to deal with for a while now. Cold water changes me into a girl and hot water changes me back. Before you ask, I was born a guy." Ranma then braced herself for the insults and accusations of being a freak and a pervert, but they never came. Instead, Toshi broke the silence.

"Beats the curse that Night gave me by a long shot."

"I've seen weirder," agreed Jaya. "Such as a Planeswalker who liked to switch whether he was a flat-chested female or a transvestite." Both the aqua-transsexual and the samurai looked at the Task Mage dumbfoundedly.

* * *

All the way back to the hive, the slivers teased Ranma, calling her "Queen" or "Mistress". Finally Ranma had it.

_MARTIAN!_

_What?_

_Is there any way to change back without hot water?_

_Of course._ _Just shape-shift back._

Ranma smacked his head.

"What?" asked Toshi.

"I know how to change back without water. It is so obvious too." He then changed.

"How did you do that?"

"Natural ability I was born with," replied Ranma. "Though I learned I had it only a month ago." Ranma then turned to Toshi. "Say, what was your profession anyway?"

"I was a ronin-for-hire and a Kanji Mage."

"Kanji?" asked Jaya.

Toshi pulled a small stone tablet from the pouch on his belt. On the tablet was the kanji for water. "Yeah. Kanji Mages use kanji to cast their spells beforehand. Would you like to see a demonstration?"

"Sure."

Toshi pointed the tablet at Ranma whose eyes went wide. Toshi then broke the tablet hitting Ranma with a powerful stream of water, triggering his curse. Her eyebrow twitched.

"Jerk." Toshi and Jaya simply laughed.

* * *

She was furious. She thought that she had placed her pawn in an appropriate place to live out his appropriate punishment. Apparently not. She knew that there were many predators and Toshiro would have to fight for his life, while blind. Apparently the predators not only accepted him into their society, but they also restored his sight.

She would have to punish them all for their insolence. But she would have to be subtle. After all, she was the Myojin of Night's Reach, and the Night was nothing if not subtle. She would have to punish the leader of these "slivers" first though.

Little did she know that the leader of the slivers was more than capable of killing gods and goddesses. He did kill a phoenix god, after all. And that phoenix stayed dead.

* * *

Ranma was pissed. His advance scouts discovered that two other hives, one lead by the very Winged Sliver that left him when he became King, had landed on Yavimaya. And they were eating the treefolk, the elves, the druids, and other beings including the delicate faerie population. Ranma asked his personalities what to do.

_Kill 'em all!!_

_Thank you, Neko. Anyone else?_

_slaughter_ _the traitor._

_You know what? You need to learn how to speak better. All the other slivers are doing it. What about you, Lavos? As if I need to ask._

_Leave no survivors._

_Martian?_ _How about you?_

_I agree, except we should let some of them live and join the hive. The ones who choose not to should be eaten._

_Wonderful._ _You're all insane, you know that?_

_So are you._

Ranma decided to ask his two human companions what he should do.

"Toshi?"

"What is it?" answered the ronin, while using his jitte to carve a kanji into a stone tablet.

"There are two other sliver hives in Yavimaya now, and they're eating the people I'm supposed to protect. One of them is a traitor, a Winged Sliver who was in my hive but I allowed him to leave of his own free will. Any ideas on how to handle them?"

"Do what I always did to traitors: slaughter them. You gave that Winged Sliver two chances to prove his worth, and he's failed them both. Besides, if any of them decide to join your forces, I say you should let them."

"You're essentially telling me to go to war with the other hives?"

"If you want to call it that." Toshi stopped scratching marks on the tablet. "Ah. Done. Allow me to introduce the kanji version of the spell 'Firebolt'."

As he said the name of the spell, a fireball launched from the tablet held in Toshi's hand and engulfed Ranma in flames. Ranma quickly put them out.

"Hey, you didn't break the tablet!"

"Iie. Firebolt was designed to be a multiple-use spell. Combining my kanji magic with it, I now have an infinite supply of fireballs at my disposal."

"Ah, well I'll take your advice into consideration. I need to ask Jaya her opinion."

A few moments, and he found her practicing her dodging skills with the Amphibious Slivers. The frog-like slivers stopped charging her when Ranma entered the chamber.

"Jaya?"

"What?"

"There are two hives invading Yavimaya. One of them is led by a Winged Sliver who used to be in my hive. They are eating the elves, treefolk, druids, and..."

"Let me turn them to ash for you!"

"Oh... Toshi told me to declare war on them..."

"That works too."

_We should kill them,_ agreed one of the Amphibious Slivers. _We can take whatever genetic data they have. Plus, they are eating the ones whom you charged us to protect._

That decided it. The next morning, there would be blood. And ash.

* * *

The crack of dawn heralded Ranma's opening offensive against the enemy hive on the north shore, the one with the Winged Sliver (407 slivers strong). Ranma started the assault with a spell Lavos called "Evil Star", which decimated about half of the enemy's ranks. It left Ranma fairly drained of his mana, but it was worth reducing the hive's numbers. It was a large red sphere that phased out of nowhere into the center of the enemy hive, and then shimmered before disappearing again.

The enemy slivers took to the skies (meaning that Evil Star hadn't hit the Winged Sliver or hadn't hit him hard enough), but quickly found themselves at the mercy of Ranma's slivers as his hive leapt into the air and shot out spidersilk nets. Jaya contributed by incinerating many of the slivers with her various red mana spells. Toshi preferred to slice 'n dice, though a few slivers were swallowed up by the ground and crushed.

Ranma himself fought by allowing Neko control over his body. Crouched on all fours, Neko-Ranma would leap into the air and pounce upon the enemy's numbers, biting and slashing with his claws, tails, and stinger.

Within hours, there were only eight remaining enemy slivers left. The Winged Sliver, two Screeching Slivers, a Bonesplitter Sliver, a Ward Sliver, and three Gemhide Slivers. All eight of them were surrounded by Ranma's forces (of which suffered only thirteen casualties).

Ranma addressed them. "Out of your force that decided to invade my territory and eat the peoples who inhabit it, there are now only eight of you remaining. Except for your leader, the Winged Sliver, I give you a choice: join my hive or perish."

Both of the Screeching Slivers, the Ward Sliver, and two of the Gemhide Slivers decided to join Ranma's hive. The remaining three slivers (as well as the corpses from the battle) were quickly devoured.

The reasons the five new slivers gave for joining Ranma's hive were quite simple. The Screeching Slivers respected Ranma's superior tactics. The Ward Sliver was impressed by Ranma's strength. So were the Gemhide Slivers, but they were more impressed by his ability to protect his own hive while launching an offensive against another.

* * *

_Ranma._

_What is it, Martian?_

_Don't you think that with a little imagination, the Screechers' DNA could be used for something productive?_

_Like what?_

_He's talking about ambassadors and emissaries, Einstein._

_Shut it, Lavos!_ Then, Ranma realized what Martian and Lavos were getting at.

* * *

"Toshi. Jaya. Allow me to introduce Prometheus, the first Babel Sliver."

"Hello," replied the diminutive being with an enlarged head and a silver-colored hide.

"It... talked!?"

"One step closer to your goal, ne?"

"King Ranma, why didn't they respond?"

"Oh! I'm so sorry. I was startled is all," said Jaya.

"Sumimasen. How rude of me!" said Toshi.

* * *

End Chapter Two.

(What was the) Next Chapter: The other hive and convincing the elves to stay on the continent.

Spellbook:

Evil Star  
In the game _Chrono Trigger_, it reduced the party's HP by half. In this story, it hits a large group for random amounts of damage. Ranma learned it from his Lavos personality. It is a non-elemental attack, meaning that it is composed of colorless mana.

Shapeshifting  
Ranma can create clothing, change gender, change color, change size, add or remove limbs, etc. In the "Magic: the Gathering" card game, he'd have the ability known as "Changeling", which means "this creature is every creature type at all times".

Bestiary:

Kavu  
A reptilian beast from ancient times. At times of need, Gaea, the "Greater Power" that some Planeswalkers refer to, releases them from their slumber. They seem to have awakened on their own though. Most kavu are green or red in mana.

Task Mage  
A powerful fire mage. Capable of immense feats of destruction. Task Mages usually die young as they have a tendency to incinerate themselves as well as their enemies. Jaya's mana is red.

Wurm  
A large beast with enormous jaws. By "large" I mean "large enough to swallow a dragon whole". Otherwise, most wurms resemble worms though some of them have dragon-like heads and resemble snakes. Most wurms are green in mana.

Orochi  
A snake person with four arms. Native to Kamigawa. Usually green in both scales and mana.

Nezumi  
A rat person from Kamigawa. Mana is usually black.

Kanji Mage  
A powerful mage who casts spells beforehand by writing them with kanji on objects or small tablets and then releasing them later. Most Kanji Mages happen to also be skilled samurai. Toshi's mana is black.

Kami  
One of the God/Spirits from Kamigawa. Among the most powerful are the Myojins. The Myojin of Night's Reach is a vindictive megami from the swamps of Kamigawa. Her mana is black.

Faerie  
Pixies and fairies and the like. Very reclusive and skittish. Multani had once directed the evolution of Yavimayan Faeries to the point that they could skeletonize a Phyrexian in less than two minutes, but their population has been on the decline in the past eighty years. Faeries come in every color of mana except red.

Sliver Index:

Amphibious Sliver  
Mana is blue. Able to swim with ease. Enables great leaping abilities and gives the hive frog-like tongues and gills.

Gardening Sliver  
Mana is green. Has skills at gardening and landscaping. Ranma is using these to create an island with a swamp on it as well as some plains in order to have better access to all types of mana.

Ward Sliver  
Mana is white. Has tough exoskeletal armor. Increases the toughness of the hive.

Screeching Sliver  
Mana is blue. Has powerful vocal cords allowing it to screech at enemies and at prey, as a form of psychological warfare and scare tactics.

Bonesplitter Sliver  
Mana is red. Has powerful muscles in its jaws, tails, and stinger(s). Increases the striking force of the hive's attacks. One of the kinds of sliver that did not join Ranma's hive.

Gemhide Sliver  
Mana is green. Feeding primarily on rocks and minerals it is able to produce vast amounts of mana on its own. Has gems sticking out of its hide. Allows the entire hive to produce its own mana.

Babel Sliver  
Mana is both white and blue. Able to speak any language and able to cast simple translation magic to learn additional languages. An emissary for the hive.


	6. SKR sequel, add in Naruto

A bad sequel to a bad idea.

Thankfully, idiotic plotbunnies are easily put down.

Shinobi of the Hive

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Various things belong to various other people but here's the important parts: "Naruto" belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, Lavos and other elements of the Chrono Franchise belong to Square-Enix, Slivers and other elements of "Magic: the Gathering" belong to Wizards of the Coast, and "Ranma 1/2" belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. Everything else probably doesn't belong to me.

Corollary: This is a sequel to my story entitled "Sliver King Ranma". Events that have "happened" in the past of this story will eventually happen in "SKR", but I have had no inspiration for "SKR" in awhile whereas I've had a great deal of inspiration for this story. I've been itching to post it, so I shall do so.

Chapter One: Expansion

* * *

_Find allies.  
Spread the hive.  
Conquer evil.  
Gain skill.  
Protect the weak.  
Give your all.  
Be unique.  
Live._

- Sliver Mantra

* * *

Lord Ranma decided to expand his Empire into other dimensions. Lord Ranma was the Patron God of the Slivers; or so he wished to be. He could accomplish this and become a Planeswalker by sacrificing the souls of many of his worshipers to himself, but he would not do something so dishonorable - they worshipped him because they trusted him, not because they feared him, and he refused to take such an easy way out. Another way of becoming a 'Walker would be to cause such a massive amount of temporal and magical energy to be released in one blast that any who survived would become as Gods, but that would kill even more people than sacrificing their souls to himself - option two was a no-go. So Lord Ranma strived to find a third option - and he believed he found it: simply gain enough worshippers to cause the change to happen by faith alone.

So he broke through the interdimensional fabric into another dimension, and found things to be quite strange. He didn't have much trouble killing things, and he felt that it would be a waste to conquer that dimension. But he did come across some powerful and useful spells. After hijacking the ones he felt he could use, he left for another dimension.

Unfortunately, while he was at the Space Between Space (what the area inside the interdimensional fabric is called) he hit a barrier. He found that he could not pass through it due to his immense magical energies but that other highly magical beings were able to pass through with the aid of a summoner who already lived within the dimension.

Lord Ranma was perplexed. How to get inside? He'd have to send a young sliver... No. Slivers have too much magic. A human who had been converted into a sliver would be more likely to work. And the human would have to be young... younger than sixteen years of age.

_Hmm..._ _maybe that girl. She's fourteen, isn't she? No, fifteen. And she's highly trained in the Umisenken and the Yamasenken as well as a number of Kho Lon's techniques. She still has a low enough magic reservoir for her to be sent through, and she was originally a Keldon before she was converted into being a sliver last year. Perfect._

And so he returned to his home dimension, to the Plane of Dominaria, to speak with the girl he had chosen as his emissary into the new dimension.

* * *

She was given the codename of Keiko. She had long, black hair (unusual for her race) and she had a reddish tint to her skin (while not unusual, it was quite uncommon compared to the bluish tint typical for her race). Her eyes were green. She was slender and she showed a great deal of flexibility as well as brute strength. Kho Lon had trained her well in the ways of speed and agility and skill as the girl had grown up. On top of that, Keiko was a natural when it came to strategy and diplomacy, the latter being almost unheard of in a Keldon. As an added bonus, Keiko was just as spirited as Radha, Lord Ranma's ally, was.

In short, Keiko was perfect to carry out the Sliver Mantra and bring Lord Ranma into the dimension he was shut out from. She would do her work in that universe, while Lord Ranma would be working on another universe.

* * *

Keiko appeared in a marsh on some island to the east of the main continent (this much she knew for Lord Ranma told her so). She began sneaking around under a simple cloth using the Umisenken (Ocean of a Thousand Fists) to turn completely invisible. Though she knew the more advanced technique, the version using a cloth of some kind took a great deal less energy than the improved version. She snuck around to learn a few things about the world she was in and what country, etc.

She soon learned that she was in Water Country, a series of islands to the east of the main continent. Additionally, this was a world of ninja. The closest major city was Kirigakure, or the Hidden Village in Kiri (Mist). Also, the citizens and the ninja of Water Country tended to fear and hate those with bloodline limits. Keiko knew she was a major target in this country, due to the fact that she had the Keldon bloodline and the Sliver bloodline in her veins. She was going to hightail it out of the country when it broke into a full-on civil war.

She decided to leave, but she came across a group of ninja who were fighting. There was one who had a high manipulation of water, high enough to create ice with it, fighting alongside three other ninja against eight other ninja wearing white masks. She recognized the one with the water/ice manipulation as a probable bloodline user, with the other three probably being his friends. They seemed doomed to lose. She was going to sneak away, when she felt rather than heard a command from Lord Ranma.

_**Help the one with the bloodline...**_

She didn't hesitate to obey. Breaking out of the Umisenken, she switched to the Yamasenken (Mountain of a Thousand Fists) as she charged one of the masked ninja. All eight masked ninja noticed her, but the one she charged didn't have enough time to get out of the way of her tackle; all he had time for was to turn around and stare dumbly at her. She rolled with his body and locked her arms around behind his body, bringing him into a bear hug. He was about to slide a kunai out of his sleeve and stab her when she suddenly and violently constricted her arms, breaking his back just between his shoulder blades.

She let his body fall limp to the ground, knowing that he no longer had control over his arms, legs, or lungs. Two more masked ninja attacked her, and she dodged their water and lightning jutsu and responded with an ability of her own.

Mixing the fiery power of her Keldon bloodline with the Yamasenken, she commanded one of her attackers to burn. A flame shot out of her left palm and immolated the poor enemy kunoichi. The other ninja still charged her, katana at the ready. Keiko countered by allowing the shape-shifting part of her Sliver bloodline to show through, making a sliver stinger appear from her forearm and block the sword of her opponent, and she thrust her leg at him, another stinger forming from her heel to stab the man in the heart. He was wearing a protective breastplate which blocked the strike, causing the man to leap back and be wary of her. Unfortunately for the enemy ninja, she had one more trick up her sleeve.

"Yamasenken: Kijin Raishuu Dan!" (Mountain of a Thousand Fists: Fierce God Assault Blast)

She swung her left hand in a powerful wide arc very quickly, causing a vacuum blade to rapidly approach the masked shinobi. He survived it by dodging to the left, but he lost his right arm and leg.

She was about to finish him off when one more masked kunoichi appeared suddenly behind Keiko, kunai at her throat. In the split-second before the woman was able to cut Keiko's jugulars, a blade made of ice exploded through the enemy's temple, killing her instantly.

"I don't know who you are," the ice bloodline user said. "But I thank you. Quickly, we must go! They are sending five more squads after us!"

Keiko agreed and followed the bloodline user and his three injured friends into an underground hiding place hidden by a pile of boulders. They had forgotten about the masked shinobi who was missing half of his limbs.

* * *

"I am Keiko, and I am new to this country, though I have heard about how the populace is afraid of kekkei genkai users. I didn't know that they would resort to using their ninja to hunt them down though."

"I'd say 'welcome to Water Country', but I can see that you also bear a kekkei genkai, Keiko-san," said the ice bloodline user.

"Actually, I bear two. One allows me to instantly summon fire from my inner emotions and the other allows me to do this."

She made a sliver stinger appear out of the back of her hand.

"What is that?" asked one of the two kunoichi of the group.

"A stinger. Not only is it like a blade, but it carries a large dose of poison near the tip. Very difficult to survive being hit and it means that I always have a weapon."

"Keiko-san, why are you here?"

"I am looking for a place to live and raise a family. Seems Water Country would be a bad choice."

While she was talking, all four ninja were watching for signs of lying. Despite her sarcastic comment, there was no evidence of such. It also helped that she was actually telling the truth.

"Well, Keiko-san, I am Aoyama Eiji, Clan Head of the Aoyama Clan, users of the Hyoton Kekkei Genkai." (Ice Release Bloodline Limit)

"I am Goichi Satsuki," said one of the kunoichi. "Silent killing expert."

"My name is Surimi Gohan," said the other male. "Yes, I know my family's name comes from a fish, and yes, I know my name means fried rice. My stupid parents were drunk when they named me. Idiot sailors, they were. Anyway, I am a taijutsu expert and I know a few lightning jutsu."

"The name's Ayako. No surname. I'm a medic and a genjutsu specialist."

"We were actually trying to infiltrate Kiri to find out where my nephew and sister are," stated Eiji. "Unfortunately, I won't be able to find them due to how my sister has hidden herself from the world and the fact that the Kiri hunter-nins are far too skilled. We can't get close to Kiri, much less to where the family registration building is."

"Where were you going to go after you found them?" asked Keiko.

"Konoha," responded Ayako. "They practically worship kekkei genkai and I hear that the Yondaime Hokage is a level-headed man. He'll likely let us into the village and onto their ninja force."

"Where are you from, Keiko-san?" asked Gohan. "We all witnessed your strange jutsu; very powerful, those."

"It matters not where I'm from, only that my God has sent me. But if you must know, I come from an island called Keld."

"Which so-called god do you follow?" asked Satsuki with a sneer. "Jashin, perhaps?"

Keiko flipped the birdie at her before continuing. "Lord Ranma sent me here to spread His word. He chose me because I was best suited for the task."

"So he met you in person?" pressed Satsuki. "Sounds more like he's the leader of a cult to me."

"Let me tell you something, Satsuki-san," said Keiko. She was obviously angry and offended, but she was keeping her cool. "Water Country wouldn't be the kami-forsaken land it is if the people who lived in it hadn't forsaken the kami first. Most of the other countries are on their way to following suit."

"Well," responded Satsuki. "I'm an atheist anyway. Like most ninja are."

Keiko was about to make another retort when she felt another command.

_**Leave her be... She's not worth the effort...**_

Following a short, but awkward, silence, Eiji spoke up again. "You're from an island called Keudo? Kerudo?"

"... Keld."

"Keldo? I'm sure I'm still not pronouncing that right."

"I wouldn't expect you to; they speak a different language there."

As they talked, the ninja noticed that she talked a lot about Keld, but she actually said very little. Still, the Keldons seemed to love a good fight and were masters of fire jutsu and tended to perform jutsu by simple energy manipulation alone. She seemed to be unique in that she was capable of sneaking up on people despite the fact that Keldons disregarded stealth almost in its entirety.

So, for all intents and purposes, the ex-Kirinins were wary of her, despite the fact that Keiko did not lie once.

They made a plan to try one last time to find out where Eiji's sister and nephew had disappeared to, using Keiko's impressive stealth abilities.

* * *

Keiko found the records they were looking for. Unfortunately, Eiji's sister's location was not listed. In fact, it seemed that their father had disowned her for some reason and her name was crossed out on all the records. Eiji was rather pissed about that, but there was nothing for it.

As they attempted to make good on an escape, Kiri ANBU ambushed them on their way out of Kiri. Keiko and Eiji managed to kill quite a few, though the other three were having quite a bit of difficulty. Gohan was gravely injured, but they succeeded in escaping.

* * *

"NO!" screamed Ayako. "Dammit! That blade was poisoned! And I don't know the antidote!"

"Can't you extract it?" asked Keiko.

"Maybe. If I **knew the jutsu for it!**"

"Calm... down Ayako," protested Gohan. "Leave me behind to... throw off their trail... but take my armbands..."

"There is no way in HELL that I am leaving you behind!!"

"Unfortunately," began Eiji. "I believe we should do as he says. Some of their best trackers have picked up our collective chakra signatures. Leaving him in our wake will confuse the signal that they are following and slow them down."

"On... top of that... I'll take out a few... when they find me..."

"I'm sorry Ayako," said Satsuki. "You're outvoted on this."

"Ayako," began Keiko. "I want you to stay with him while I give him a last rites ceremony."

The medic did not look pleased at all. She hoped that she'd never have to do that in Konoha when it came down to it.

"Fine," she replied.

Eiji and Satsuki left for lookout duty while Keiko drew three concentric circles around Gohan's prone form.

"What are you doing?" asked Ayako.

"Well, I am a priestess for Lord Ranma. I am giving Gohan the Warriors' Last Rite. The first circle to represent family and/or friends. The second to represent the warrior's life. The third to represent the warrior's honor." Keiko began to draw runes outside each circle. "This is a formula in Keldon wishing him well in the next life and that he takes as many enemies with him as he possibly can. Gohan, when you are unable to fight anymore, either via death or capture, your body will explode much like an exploding tag. To activate it, all you need to say is 'kai'. But if you are killed before you can, your body will automatically explode."

"So that's how he's going to die? In an explosion?" asked Ayako rather angrily.

"Ayako... don't be angry..."

"That is how the Keldon people do it when they are facing superior opposition. I know it seems underhanded, but he will be protecting us. If he kills all of their best trackers, they'll have to send more of a lower quality. By then, hopefully, our trail will have gone cold. Hopefully we'll be able to make it to Konoha. I know it hurts to leave him behind, and frankly, this is the first time I've ever had to leave an ally behind, but I hope Lord Ranma will forgive me. More importantly, I hope _you_ will forgive me."

"Me? Why?"

"Because you aren't as skeptical as Satsuki when I talk about Lord Ranma or any of the other kami. I don't think Eiji believes at all, but he's willing to listen. And Gohan here believes somewhat, though I doubt that he'd ever turn to worshipping any particular kami. You guys are my friends. Satsuki isn't as close as the rest of you, but still. I hope you'll forgive me someday."

"I'll try," responded the medic.

"I suppose that's the best I can hope for. Gohan, I'm going to start the... jutsu. Relax. You'll feel very strong afterwards, but your body will be tearing itself apart for calories. The poison would probably kill you in two days, but this jutsu will keep you alive for five. That should be plenty of time to find and confront our tracker friends. If you don't find them in five days, you'll die and your body will explode."

"I... understand..."

Keiko began to chant in Keldon, naming each of the runes.

* * *

About half an hour later, the spell was done, turning Gohan into a living bomb. He set out to find their pursuers. Within a day, they saw a huge explosion behind them.

"Gohan's funeral pyre," stated Keiko, tears in her eyes. Ayako's eyes were also wet with tears. The two girls did their best to try and comfort each other.

Satsuki didn't cry as long as they, and Eiji refused to cry - he tried to remain "strong for the group", as he put it.

* * *

It took them nearly a month to find their way to the islands closest to Fire Country, and within that time Keiko realized that she had become pregnant with Eiji's baby.

Satsuki and Keiko tolerated each other's presence, but they really didn't get along. Keiko and Ayako, on the other hand, grew to be close friends. Eiji remained the leader and mediator of the group.

They were ambushed just before they crossed the border into Fire Country by a few hunter-nins and one of the few members of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist who had remained loyal to the Mizukage.

* * *

"Ayako! RUN!" commanded Satsuki.

"KEIKO! Get out of here! Save the baby!" commanded Eiji.

Keiko didn't want to leave her quasi-friend and fiancé behind, but she agreed, knowing that Eiji wanted her and their child to be safe. Ayako also left to help cover Keiko's escape (she had already promised Eiji that she'd do so).

Unfortunately, that was the last time that they ever saw them.

* * *

In Konoha, the two women were admitted with open arms. Already, various people were thinking of who in their families/clans they could have marry Keiko and who would be betrothed to her unborn child. Ayako's skills were welcomed in the Konoha Central Hospital.

While Keiko waited for her child to be born, she wrote a few scrolls detailing the secrets of her two bloodlines and the two styles of Umisenken and Yamasenken. She then sealed them within a pendant bearing the Keldon rune for "blood". Only her or her children or their descendants would be able to unseal it.

Finally, after her term of pregnancy was over, a black-haired boy was born. He had a pair of piercing blue eyes and his skin was pale, much like his father's. Keiko prayed to Lord Ranma, asking for inspiration for a name for her child.

As the Sliver Lord had been busy, he took the time to take a look at Keiko's situation.

_Interesting._ _Seems this boy is my analogue in that particular universe. If I hadn't sent Keiko there, he would've never been born._

So he sent her a command.

_**Aoyama Ranma... He is my analogue in this world... As such he should have my name...**_

So he was named Ranma. Ayako was declared his godmother.

About six months after Ranma was born, Keiko met a woman who had just realized she was pregnant. Uzumaki Kushina was her name.

She refused to talk about who her child's father was, but she stated that he was a wonderful man and the secrecy was for her and her child's protection. Kushina and Keiko became fast friends, and Ayako and Kushina shared a love for pranks, though Kushina took it to an extreme.

* * *

All things come to an end, be they good or bad. The peaceful lives that Ayako, Keiko, and Kushina had hoped for in Konoha were ruined the day Kushina began to go into labor. The greatest of the Bijuu, Kyubi the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox, had somehow snuck up on Konoha and began to attack it.

Ayako lost three friends that fateful October tenth. Kushina had died in labor, causing a great deal of sorrow for the Yondaime Hokage, who it was revealed was the child's father. The boy who was born looked just like the Yondaime, just in miniature. But the Yondaime, even in his sorrow, was thinking about how to save his people. He quickly designed and drew a seal on his son's stomach; the seal was three-layered to protect the boy's mind and body from the demon while sealing the demon within.

While the Yondaime created the seal, Keiko had gone to confront the demon fox, to buy time. Her Yamasenken techniques were perfect distractions. Wind blade after wind blade were sent the fox's way, but every cut they caused were healed almost instantly. Finally, the fox managed to land a hit on Keiko, sending her flying. Her Keldon toughness prevented her from being instantly killed, but she didn't have much life left in her, so she charged all her energies for one final spell.

"DISINTEGRATE!"

A great roaring fireball shot from her hands towards the demon fox, turning everything (trees, animals, stones, even the ground itself) in its way to ash. When it hit the fox, it screamed in pain as its right shoulder ceased to exist. But before it could retaliate, the toad boss summon, Gamabunta, landed in front of it. Atop his head were the Yondaime and his son. The blonde Hokage performed the Shiki Fuujin to summon the Shinigami to help him seal the fox within his son at the cost of the caster's life.

Ayako retrieved the newborn's form from the battlefield and brought him to the Sandaime Hokage, who had become the active Hokage.

Keiko's lifeless body was recovered the next morning. Ayako was saddened that she had to fulfill her role as godmother, but she would do it! For Keiko's and Eiji's son, she would do it!

* * *

Ayako was pissed at most of the villagers and ninja. They wanted to kill the boy whom the Yondaime Hokage had sacrificed his life to seal the demon fox into? Idiots! All of them!

The Sandaime Hokage had made it illegal to mention the demon to anyone who didn't already know about it, but Ayako could see how that would simply cause more problems.

When it came down to it though, Ayako was the first, and only, person to volunteer to adopt the poor blonde boy. She had found out from Kushina (when she was still alive) that she would name her child Naruto if it was a boy. So Naruto was his name. She registered him as an Aoyama, which she also did with her own name.

She didn't care that she and the children she was taking care of were being ostracized from the rest of the village - at least they could be something like a family together, damn it!

* * *

End Chapter One.


	7. Megacross, TheProphecyOfTheFourHorsemen

First attempt at fanfiction.

Total. Fail.

Anyway, I'm keeping this around to remind me of how I started as a writer. I hope you can see how I've grown since.

**The Prophecy of the Four Horsemen**

By Lord Dragon Claw

This is a work of fanart (or fanfiction, or whatever). I have not made any money off of this, and I don't plan on it either. I have only $250 to my name, so you lawsuit mongers better look elsewhere.

"Ranma ½" and all of its related characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. "The Wheel of Time" series and all of its related characters are property of Robert Jordan. "The Elenium" series and all of its related characters are property of David Eddings. All other characters and concepts belong to me. This is a cross-over between my story, titled "Jho-Phi," "Ranma ½," "the Wheel of Time," and "the Elenium."

The "Prophecy of the Four Horsemen" was devised solely for the purpose of this cross-over. It does not actually exist in the story of Jho-Phi.

This cross-over was spawned from the idea of what might happen if Ranma, Ukyou, Ryouga, and Akane were dumped into the story of Jho-Phi, and was developed from there. The character Strogan Vaaren was created for the purpose of tying "the Wheel of Time" to the fanfiction. The same can be said for Galedradha, the Aiel Spear Maiden turned Wise One. The idea of using Sir Sparhawk from "the Elenium" came to me in the middle of writing the prologue.

Key:

"Speech."

#Thought.#

""Japanese.""

"+Styric.+" (used to cast Styrician magic)

":Mandarin or other specified language.:"

"-Telepathy.-"

--Mind-linked Telepathy.--

"&Telecommunicator, television, telephone, etc.&"

Prologue

* * *

Haven't you ever wondered if everything you know happened to be a lie? Do you not feel that there is something controlling your future? Do you not longingly wish that magic was real? Or dragons?

Thousands of years ago, war waged across the face of a small blue and green planet simply called "Earth." On all sides, heavy losses were incurred. There were several factions of humans who wished to rule the planet, and took it upon themselves to wipe out all dragons and other forms of "demonic" life. There were several factions of dragons who wished to retaliate against the humans – with a mass-extinction of all human life. Even so, there were some humans and some dragons who wished to coexist peacefully.

The Avys Kræer, the first 12 dragons who graced the skies of Earth, were troubled by this development. One of them was very angry at humanity, and wished to eliminate them, but the other 11 chose instead to escape with those dragons and humans who wished nothing but peace to the planet "Mige," which existed on the other side of dimensional anomalies such as the Bermudan Warp Hole. Shortly after, the one who tried to wage war against humanity quickly fell in combat.

Before leaving, the remaining Avys Kræer set into motion an enchantment on Earth. All but one of the Avys Kræer died in casting it.

Earth became Cursed. Magic was suppressed. Records were changed constantly. Memories were erased and human minds became forgetful. Matters of the spirit were forgotten. Lifespans were cut short. Vampires were killed in the spreading of the Curse. Lancanthropists (people able to change into other forms under the influence of the moon, such as werewolves) could no longer transform. Those with gifts in terms of mental power had their abilities stunted.

All records and testaments to the existence of dragons were changed, and all skeletons of dragons were changed to resemble the fossilized remnants of the "terrible lizards" who had once walked the face of the planet millions of years previously.

However, not everything was cancelled out; two energies were not messed with: they were later named "chi" and "ki." Chi is emotional energies, and the Curse could not mess with one's emotions. Ki is an energy that comes from the part of the spirit which connects it with the body. Thoroughly depleting one's ki is lethal, so the Curse was designed to not mess with ki. Also, magical potions could still work, if anyone could remember how to mix them.

As it so happens, an area in China was still not completely affected by the Curse of Earth. Three tribes of people continued to practice some forms of magic, partially because the leader of one was a demi-god, and because they all were situated near some Cursed Springs called Jusenkyou.

Regardless, the rest of the Universe continued on, with wars waged using entire star systems as battlegrounds, until the Universe, being as dimensionally unstable as it was, began to die. Many of the inhabitants of the Universe, which had been named A-1 by physicists, began to flee to another Universe, the same one in which Mige actually existed. This Universe was named A-7.

Tens of thousands of years passed, with thousands of wars fought, including the infamous Great Apocalyptic War mentioned in many prophecies. However, in other prophecies another war, even more devastating than the GAW, was predicted to occur, with the very ability to exist at stake. This war is referred to as the "War Between the Song and the Silence." It is also called the "War Between the True Song and the Silencebringer," as well as the "War Against the Silencebringer."

There is another prophecy which states that the True Song will lose the War unless all Four Horsemen are gathered against the Silencebringer…

Chapter 1: Genma is a Coward

* * *

"So wait, you haven't deciphered the whole prophecy yet?" Said a brown-haired man into the communicator which was part of his computer located in his spinal cord. He scratched the top of his scalp, relieving himself of the itch in his short-cropped hair.

"&Nope. Sorry, Udahr.&" replied the communicator. "&But I do know who the first Horseman is.&"

Udahr adjusted his glasses after hearing this tidbit of knowledge from his friend over the communicator's speakers, located on the tips of the frames of his glasses, right behind his ears. Udahr closed his brown eyes and sighed. "Kenrish, who is it?"

"&I'll read you the first part of the prophecy and see if you can guess.&" replied the other man.

"Fine. Let's hear it."

"&Alright, this is it: 'The Song of Life will be Silenced unless the Four Horsemen can be gathered. The First Horseman is of the Forest, and is the Harbringer to the Destruction of Civilizations. Lightning is his Herald and Battle is his Servant and his Life.' Figured it out yet?&"

"Of the Forest? That's more than a little confusing… wait. I think I've got it. That phrase, 'of the Forest' means 'wooden' doesn't it?"

"&Yes, it does.&" Udahr's face became a mask of smugness as he appreciated the irony.

"Heh, it's Troi, isn't it?"

"&Yeah. Convenient, huh?&" Udahr chuckled at this. He knew of the legendary city of Troy and the Wooden Horse which caused its destruction. He knew that Troi was named for the Horse, and lived up to his name-sake; therefore he fit the idea of being "the Harbringer of the Destruction of Civilations." Udahr also remembered Troi claiming that his "Ultimate Attack" had been named "the Lighning Flash Blade," hence "Lighning" being his "Herald." And since Troi had also accumulated the title of "Battlelord," the last descriptor removed all doubt as to who the First Horseman was.

"So Ken, do you have any more of it deciphered?"

"&Yes, but I am confused by it…&"

Udahr frowned. #Of course it's never easy.# He sighed. "Okay, well let me hear it."

"&Alright: 'The Second is the Wild Horse, who is Twice-Blessed of Chaos. He will be Cursed, but the Fight is always his. He will Hail from up the River, and will be Respected of Honor.' I have no idea on where to start looking… also, as for the rest of the prophecy, I have only the following phrase deciphered: 'The Third Horseman is a Defender.' And that's it.&"

Udahr was puzzled, and began to pace inside his starship, the _Bloodfist_. #Doesn't any reference to 'the River' mean time-travel? Hmm… I may need to get my hands on the Enigmâsian "Earth Records."#

"I think I know where to start looking. You just concentrate on deciphering the scroll. Also, I'm sure Lahlign wants you to spend time with her…"

"&Heh, I know. Well, I'll see you around, Udahr. You know where to find me!&" And with that, the transmission ended. Udahr sighed again. It would be a long day just to get inside the Enigmâs Borders as their Immigration standards had just become more strict due to smuggling activity.

* * *

In a mountainous area, a man and a woman were hiking at a leisurely pace. The man's name was Dran delBlemti Ventor-Kyze. He had shoulder-length red hair, and blue eyes. Under his sea-green shirt and black pants was tight-fitting body armor. He also wore a black leather jacket and black boots that went halfway to his knees. On his belt was a pouch, and two daggers. If there was anyone to observe Dran, they would have noticed that one of the daggers was light blue, and the other was blood-red. The hypothetical observer would also notice that the cut and style of Dran's clothing identified Dran as being from Blimmi.

The woman's name was Bethani delBlemti and she was Dran's wife. Though she didn't look a day over 25 years old, her silver hair reached her waist. She also had red-colored irises in her eyes and a heart-shaped face. Her boots were dark brown, her pants were a yellow-green, and her collared, long-sleeved blouse was orange. Over her blouse was a brown leather vest. Her belt held, at her left side, a high-quality broadsword and on the buckle of the belt was a "Z" that had been stylized to look like an hourglass. If someone were to see her, they would instantly notice two things: that her clothing was of Shénan design, marking her as a citizen of Shén-Dorrhaun and because her… endowments bounced as she moved, she didn't wear a bra.

"Beth, explain to me why we're here on Arken, and why your father wants us to help explore some old ruins," said Dran.

Bethani eyed Dran for all of a second. "You weren't informed?"

"Nope. Seems like Troi enjoys playing mind games with me..."

"My daddy enjoys playing mind games with everyone." Dran laughed at that. Bethani knew what kind of sense of humor her husband had, even if they had been married only seven months. She was still not used to having a last name, especially since neither of her parents had last names.

"So why are we here again?"

"Daddy said that the previous archeologists died in an explosion of energy. The amount of energy was relatively low, but it still killed them all. Also, the writing on the walls has not yet been translated. I had you come with me because you're good at translation, and I think that your daggers might help us with any other traps that were left."

"Wait a minute! If that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to have to charge Troi for my services. I am 'Double Dagger' Dran, and Twin Daggers do not work for cheap."

Bethani got a mischievous little grin, and stepped in front of Dran, facing him and stopping him in his tracks. She giggled. "How about if I reward you on my father's behalf?" She emphasized the word "reward" by swaying her hips.

Dran smirked and chuckled. "Certainly. I'll charge you one night per day we're stuck out here."

Bethani smiled as they continued to walk towards the buried temple.

* * *

The instant he saw him, Udahr started sizing up the man in black darrakite armor. #He IS as strong as they say.#

"Hmm…" the man in black armor began, as he adjusted his orange cape with a large dragon emblazoned on it's center. "… Judging from the appearance of your robe, and your green camouflage pants, and orange camouflage shirt, I'd have to say that you were Udahr Jayson Greigh."

"That is who I am. Judging from the Royal Crest of the Dragon on your cape, your armor design, and the black glove on your left hand with the word 'Darkmaster' stitched into the palm of it, I'd have to say that you are Prince Dragon Dagger of the Enigmâs Empire?" Udahr paused respectfully as the man in armor lifted his face guard revealing blue eyes and dirty-blonde, mid-length hair.

"You are correct, Interrogator Udahr." Udahr stiffened. Dragon Dagger laughed. "We heard quite a bit of interesting information about you, Udahr. It is no secret to us that you became a member of TID in the Dragonoidian Covert Network."

Udahr blinked. "You knew?"

"Yes. Lance told me how you wiped the floor with him. I find it funny that someone was able to do that. So, what brings you here, Interro…"

"Udahr is just fine." Udahr interrupted.

"Ah, well what information are you looking for?"

"I need to see your records from Earth, such as uncorrupted police records, birth records, arrest warrants, and other such."

"Ah, well I can get you passage to the Great Library here on Mige. Luckily, I found you here at the space port." He paused. "Mind telling me why you want to look at the cursed planet of old?"

"I found a prophecy about the War Against the Silencebringer… I need the information to give us a chance of winning."

"Odd, that you need obscure information from the past."

"Well, I don't know if I am going to get the needed information from these records, but it was as good a place to start as any."

* * *

"Strange. I wonder what this room was used for," said Bethani.

It was a rather simple room with only one visible entrance. It had a column that rose from the floor in the middle of the room, but wasn't tall enough to reach the ceiling. In fact, Bethani was taller than the column. There was no writing on the walls in this room except for some exactly opposite of the doorway. Also, the column was covered in several hundred symbols.

"I'm not sure what it was used for," replied Dran. "All I know is that this happens to be where the explosion originated. In fact, I think that the column is the exact epicenter of the blast."

"I suggest examining the pillar later. The writing on that wall seems to be important."

"Hmmm…" Dran was looking at the writing, and after some time he repeated the first line said in Common Human. "'The Song of Life will be Silenced unless the Four Horsemen can be gathered.' Seems to be a prophecy of some sort. Not only is it in an ancient language, but they apparently ciphered it as well."

"Wow. You deciphered it in five minutes! What does the rest of it say?"

"Well, the other four parts each use a different cipher from the first one. I can't read most of it, but I did figure out the cipher for the second to last part."

"And?"

"'The Third Horseman is a Defender. He shall wield His Half alongside His Desert Mare and Her Half, and together They will confuse all Mages. They shall come from the Tower of Pitch, and a Three-Fold Land.'"

"'…confuse all Mages'? Heh, well, I'm already confused."

Dran smiled at Bethani, then turned back to the wall. "I think I may have figured out the final part: 'The Fourth shall be the Winged Horse. He shall be a Troll-Killer and a Speaker of Magic. His Sword shall always Strike True, and He shall command the Crystal Rose.' Hmmm… also very confusing."

"You said it."

* * *

"Good morning, High Prince!" greeted the headmistress of the Library.

"Good morning, Keeper Veronica. Umm… do you mind telling me today's date?"

The middle-aged redhead raised an eyebrow. "May I inquire as to why?"

"Because I forgot." mumbled the Prince. Udahr simply raised his eyebrow while Veronica sweatdropped.

"Okay then," she began, blinking the surprise out of her green eyes. "Today is the third day of the thirteenth month, Kon Kallar in the year 32,035 AV."

"Thank you, Keeper Veronica."

"Anytime, High Prince."

Dragon Dagger took Udahr to one of the larger computer terminals in one of the backrooms of the Library.

"We have transferred all the data from the Earth Records onto this console, for easier sorting and searching purposes."

"Efficient." Udahr complimented as he sat down. "Well, let's start with the police records of missing persons."

* * *

"What do you mean this pillar is part of a transportation system!"

"That's what the symbols on it say," answered Dran. "Hmm… This one here says… Eastern Manetheren? Very interesting…"

"Could it be a teleporter?"

"No, I think it's a transdimensional beacon."

"Hmmm…" Bethani pulled out of her Æther presence a device, and booted it up. The device was rather small, and looked very similar to a Palmocom, or Palm-sized Computer, one of those devices which most bounty hunters now carry.

"Your Dimensional Residue Tracer?"

"Yes." Bethani's DRT began beeping, and the screen flashed on. "Strange, it leads to the dimension S-2."

"I thought that dimension was the kind of anomaly which does not allow access into it…"

"It is, but apparently we found a secret back door."

* * *

"Hmm… interesting!" Udahr exclaimed.

"What do you mean? What makes this one stand out more than the others?"

"Well, although I've had some trouble with searching for a 'Wild Horse,' I just found someone whose name **is** 'Wild Horse.'"

"And?"

"Well, look at how insane and difficult his life is up to the point he disappeared while in China…"

"Holy… that does say 'Seppuku Contract,' right?"

"Yup. I think that this one is the one I need. Thank you, Your Majesty!"

"Erm… If you're going to call me by one of my titles, I'd prefer it if you called me High Prince or Prince Dragon Dagger."

"Fair enough. I'll see myself out now."

"I hope to see you again, Udahr. You're an interesting person."

"Same to you. May the Shadows scout your way…"

"… and protect you from harm. May the Darkness guide you safely back." Dragon Dagger completed the traditional farewell unique to the technologically advanced nation of the Enigmâs, which based most of its magic studies on Shadow magic.

* * *

Ranma knew something was up. He simply knew it. They were going to some weird training ground. Again. But this time, Genma promised that they were headed to Nerima in Japan afterwards, then sold Ranma for a sirloin steak and stole him back only yesterday. Genma was getting exited, even though he did his best to hide it. However, he didn't know that Ranma was more perceptive than Genma was led to believe. The way Genma had a slight smirk on his face, the way he held himself in a slightly more relaxed manner, everything about how the bald man was acting today seemed to indicate that he was happy. In Ranma's opinion, Genma was too happy about something or other.

Ranma knew that there was something weird waiting for him in Nerima, and he had a foreboding feeling about today…

Ranma also felt that there was another pair of eyes watching him and his father, but he had yet to locate the owner of those eyes. Genma was blissfully unaware of the eyes. Maybe that family he was sold to yesterday had sent someone to steal him back from Genma? Not likely. Who could it be? It couldn't be Ryouga who was tailing him – that boy is so lost that he couldn't even find the lot behind his house, much less follow the trail he and his father were leaving. Not knowing who it was that was following them like a shadow quickly grew irritating.

Something weird was going to happen today, and Ranma just knew it!

As they cleared the next rise, Genma grinned ear-to-ear. They had finally arrived at the Legendary Training Ground of Jusenkyou! He and Ranma rushed off to begin their training as some annoying man came running out of a nearby hut. Ranma realized that the pudgy man yelling at them was not the same as the thing which had been following them.

":Hey, don't do that! Get down from there before you fall in:" And then the Guide and caretaker of Jusenkyou realized #Oh, they might not know Mandarin!#

""Made! You not want fall in springs! Oi!"" #Why do they never listen?#

* * *

Galedradha of the Codarra clan wondered why the Wise Ones had summoned her. She was going to try to protect the _Car'a'carn_ with her fellow sisters of the _Far Dareis Mai_ – "The Spear Maidens" – when a _gai'shain_ came and stopped her. Now he was leading her back to the camp in Rhuidean. Hopefully they weren't going to have her become a Wise One, like Aviendha, her friend, had to when the Wise Ones discovered she could Channel. But if they did, she would not resist.

* * *

#Hmmm… the boy is very perceptive. He sensed my presence, even though the fat one did not. He has talent.# Udahr watched as the Guide tried to keep his quarry from falling into the springs. #That Guide's Japanese hasn't improved one bit!# He stifled a laugh when the fat, bald man fell into the Spring of Drowned Panda. He could hear the youth taunting the idiot.

""Oi, oyajii! You must be getting old!""

""Ohhh, that Spring of Drowned Panda! All who fall in, become Panda!"" This finally caught Ranma's attention.

""Nani?"" Just then, a large, black and white blur burst from the water. #What the… ? He is a Panda! Uh oh!#

Too late. SPLASH!

Genma was about to retort and tell Ranma that he needed to be retrained when he growfed. #Growf? What?# Then he took a better look at himself. #Gah! I've become a panda!# Then he turned his attention to the annoying Chinese man.

""I try to warn you! This Spring of Drowned Girl! Now all who fall in, turn into Girl!""

""Ahhh! Breasts!"" Onna-Ranma screamed in horror.

Udahr nearly facefaulted, but caught himself on the tree branch he was perched on. #Strange, how that was the first coherent thing he said once transformed…# Udahr shook his head. By now the Guide was trying to explain about their curses. Udahr figured that now was as good a time as any to "kidnap" his quarry. He preformed the hand-seals for his Water and Fire Elements of his Geomancy…

* * *

Genma gave a yelp of pain when he suddenly was splashed with hot water which fell from the sky. He found that he had returned to his human form again, but Ranma had not. And the annoying man and Onna-Ranma were both startled by the sudden appearance of the hot water.

Onna-Ranma suddenly snapped out of her shock when she realized that the stalker had just exited the tree-line behind her. She quickly took a stance, and lost her balance when two pieces of her new anatomy bounced. She landed flat on her rear, but was facing the threat at least. She looked up to see someone who looked like an American, but his strange clothing was very different from anything she had seen or heard about. She was startled when the man began to speak in perfectly accented Japanese.

""Well, well, if we don't have a horrible father with his miserable son… daughter, then I must be blind!"" Onna-Ranma took this time to memorize the man's face, even though she was a little peeved at his remark of being Genma's daughter. She noticed that his brown eyes were the same shade of brown as his short-cropped hair… #Are the lenses of his glasses, GLOWING?#

Genma started sizing the man up and down and realized that the man had more than enough ki in him to re-enact Hiroshima. He quickly realized that this man was an accomplished martial artist, and if he could get him to train Ranma… # … my retirement would be assured!# Genma panicked at what the strange man did next. Onna-Ranma simply gawked.

Udahr narrowed his eyes on Genma, then pulled out a pen and a piece of parchment, upon which was some sort of legal document. ""Either I take your life right now, Genma, or you sign your… daughter's life away onto this contract. Which will it be?"" #As if I didn't already know.#

The Guide, all but forgotten, simply blinked as he tried to will his jaw back from it's current position on the ground in front of him, yet it remained slacked. #It's that guy from 16 years ago! And he doesn't look any older! How?#

Genma nervously snatched the pen, and signed his name in kanji on the dotted line. As if by magic (which it actually was, but Genma didn't know that), some sort of Western characters appeared below it. Then he realized that they were the romaji for his name, spelling out: S A O T O M E G E N M A. Then the contract suddenly rolled into a scroll and Udahr secreted it into his robe. Genma was splashed again, by cold water this time, as Udahr finished the Water Seals using a pair of his invisible Matternia Hands.

""Alright you Chicken-Panda, get running before I change my mind and slaughter you anyway!"

Genma needed no more encouragement.

":Nihao. Long time, no see, huh:" Udahr addressed the Guide. Onna-Ranma's face perplexed as she knew very little Mandarin. The Guide, on the other hand, had finally wrested his lower jaw away from the clutches of Gravity, if only for a moment.

":Uh, yeah… Why did you threaten him? Why haven't you aged! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN:"

":I was doing research. Besides, that idiot deserves a fate worse than death for what he did to his… son.:" Udahr turned to Onna-Ranma, and had two pairs of his Matternia hands do the required Seals.

Onna-Ranma stiffened as hot water hit her head. Then he shuddered as he realized that large amounts of water kept on appearing out of nowhere. He glanced up as soon as Udahr began talking in Japanese again… it was rather unsettling to hear some gaijin speaking perfect Nihongo.

""Well, Ranma, what are your thoughts on what's happening?""

""How the hell do you know my name?""

Udahr simply smiled. Ranma sweatdropped.

* * *

Strogan Vaaren was a simple farmer's boy who only wanted a simple farmer's life. But news was that the Dragon had been Reborn, and that a revolution had rocked the foundations of the White Tower. Though he was already 17, his parents feared for him and for his future.

Plus, his father had become alarmed yesterday when Strogan accidentally got himself with that axe trying to chop firewood. What had the three of them concerned though, was the fact that his body had healed when they got his trousers off to examine the wound. And his pants were still cut and blood-encrusted. Did that mean he could channel? #Oh, dear Creator no! I don't want the Reds after me!#

It was while he was tending the tomatoes in the field when a man in a black cloak with the hood pushed back showed up, riding a horse…

* * *

Sparhawk was finally home. After ten long years of exile to the Sun-baked, sand-blasted lands of Rendor, Sir Sparhawk was finally back in the kingdom of Elenia, and at the capital city, Cimmura, no less.

He wondered how much had changed since the late King Aldreas had banished him for some stupid reason or other… perhaps it really was that Aldreas didn't want his daughter Ehlana to fall in love with him.

Whatever the case, Sparhawk would be glad to see Kurik, his squire, again.

"Faran, don't you dare bite the guards at the city gates… you'll have to behave." His warhorse reluctantly grunted it's agreement.

* * *

In the Jusenkyou Guide's hut…

""So you've been stalking me for my entire life?"" asked Ranma.

""Pretty much."" replied Udahr. ""I come from the future, by the way.""

""Time-travel?"" Ranma remembered such a concept. He learned of it from a Super Famicom game that he was able to play during his short stay at a dojo in western China two years ago. Luckily, the Master of the Dojo had several boys, all of whom were intently focused on their respective TV screens. And luckily, they all knew Japanese as well.

""Yeah. The technology is not very common in my time, especially since its use is quite forbidden.""

""Then how… ?""

""I broke the law."" Udahr paused to take another bite of his ramen, which the Guide had so graciously provided. ""It was necessary to come and get you, as you are important in the future.""

""What? How am I important?""

""I'll tell you later.""

""So, umm… when did ya come from?"" That sounded cheesy, but it was the only way Onna-Ranma could think to say it.

""Hmm… what year is it, currently?""

""It currently 1994, late spring."" responded the Guide.

""That would make it be the year 8,801, according to the calendar I am used to."" Onna-Ranma gaped. ""And I came here from the year 31,562.""

""WOW!"" Onna-Ranma exclaimed. ""Am I going to live that long?""

""I think you failed to understand me.""

""Huh?""

""I came back in time to take you to my time.""

""Why?""

""Because, I can't very well train you to save people's lives while you are inhibited by Earth's inherent curse.""

""You mean…""

""Nope. That body changing curse is a completely different curse, and has no cure.""

""… dammit."" Smack! ""What'd ya do that for?""

""Until I deem you mature enough, you are not to speak any profanities. Period.""

Ranma just glared. When Udahr returned the glare, he suddenly felt very weak. He knew that Udahr could have his butt handed back to him whether he was in her male form or not. He quickly resorted to the one thing he could think of to get Udahr to stop glaring at him.

""Gomen…""

""Forgiven. Now, continuing, there is a curse that affects everyone born on this planet. It makes everyone forget, and shortens their lifespans. It makes it seem like dragons were only a fantasy. Basically, the Curse lies to everyone, and has been doing so for the past 9,000 years.""

Ranma perked up at this. He was sure that dragons were only myths and legends, even though he desperately wanted it otherwise. He had always respected the majesty and beauty that a dragon possessed, and was in awe of the powers dragons were known for in the myths and legends. And now he was hearing Udahr tell him that dragons existed? He became very interested.

""Besides, I must inform you of what is going to happen if you come with me. I'm giving you a choice: either come with me, or stay with your father.""

""Okaaay… why give me the choice?""

""Because, I want you to realize that you are the master of your own destiny. I want you to know, though, that although your destiny is yours to decide, a lot of innocent lives depend on your choice.""

""What? How?""

""If you come with me, about 2,000 people will die because you won't be there to save them.""

""…"" Ranma had a very worried expression on his face.

""But if you stay here, countless billions of innocent people will die in the future.""

Ranma passed out.

Onna-Ranma woke with a start when she was splashed with ice-cold water. ""Eeeek!""

""Sorry, you passed out."" Udahr helped Onna-Ranma back into her chair.

""Well, what ya said startled me.""

""Good. You need to understand exactly how dire the situation was for me to have to break the law and travel backwards in time.""

""I… I think I get it.""

""Well, there are other things which you do not know about.""

""Like what?""

""Well, if you stay here, you'll happen to have a rather large number of fiancées fighting over you. All because Genma doesn't care about your free will. Or about honor.""

Ranma was visibly pissed. He wanted to strangle that poor excuse for a human.

""Also, if you come with me, you'll learn so many different martial arts and other fighting styles that what your father taught you will seem like kindergarten to you.""

""Shut up."" Udahr was visibly surprised at this. ""You had me at the fact that dragons do exist earlier. I had nearly made up my mind when you gave me the potential casualty counts.""

Udahr was intrigued by this. #Hmmm… I wonder where he's going with this. I have no idea, but then again, he is twice blessed of Chaos.#

""But the fact that my father has done so many dishonorable acts, and you brought that back to the surface, though I have been trying to deny it my whole life, has settled it. I'm coming with you. There was no need to try to temp me with more martial arts styles.""

Udahr chuckled. ""I must say, that was an unexpected reaction. But I wasn't trying to tempt you. I was informing you of the truth.""

""Gomen… I assumed you were acting like…""

Udahr cut him off ""… like Genma? I understand why you would assume such. He's all you knew of person-to-person relations before this, wasn't he?""

""Yeah. Well, when are we gunna go?""

""In a bit. Oh, you'll want to know that Japanese isn't the dominant language where we will be staying.""

""Oh, what language then?""

""You call it English.""

Ranma just stared dumbly at Udahr.

""To start your training though, I'll have you be staying with some who still speak Japanese. They will teach you many useful skills, as well as the culture of the different nations. Oh yeah, I am from the Neo Dragonoidia Empire, a nation primarily populated by dragons.""

Ranma smiled ear to ear at this.

* * *

End Chapter One.


	8. tPot4H part 2

Wow. Even my disclaimers back then were pathetic.

**The Prophecy of the Four Horsemen**

By Lord Dragon Claw

Chapter 2 Part A

You obviously read the last disclaimer, correct? I have only one change to make to it. I had to buy some gasoline. Now I have even less money to my name.

Key:

"Speech."

#Thought.#

""Japanese.""

"+Styric.+" (used to cast Styrician magic)

":Mandarin or other specified language.:"

"-Telepathy.-"

--Mind-linked Telepathy.--

"&Telecommunicator, television, telephone, computer screen, etc.&"

Oh, and a few notes on a race known as Pherros: A Pherro ("fair-row") has the appearance of a regular human, however, they can only breed with other Pherros. They are masters of pheromones, and many of their pheromones produce reactions other than just emotional responses. Some of their pheromones are flammable while others have a similar effect to liquid nitrogen. Also, Pherros have long lifespans. After they become of mating age (100 years old) they then are able to mate when in heat. This period of heat lasts for 30 years, with 120 year gaps in between each period. All Pherros are in heat at the same time, unless they are younger than 100 years old.

Also, a friend of mine was concerned that Udahr might be a Mary Sue. He isn't; I have many other characters who are more powerful, faster, stronger, more determined to win, and/or more clever than he is. But contrast that to someone like Genma... Yeah. Genma is way out of his league.

Okay. I'm done ranting… for now.

Chapter 2: Spring of Drowned Leopard

* * *

"Kennnnnn?" a throaty growl emanated throughout the compound which functioned as the home of Kenrish mo'Ghall and his wife, but was also shared with the Necrajin, a relatively large band of necromancers who have an eternal contract and psychic bond with one another, which they all willingly submitted to. Kenrish recognized the voice as belonging to Deadfire; perpetually smug and obsessed with the various types of dragons' breaths, Kenrish had easily befriended the half-human, half-dragon necromancer when they first met. "Keeeennnnrrriiiiiiissssshhhhh?"

#I wonder what that pyromaniac wants now?# The black-haired male Pherro turned to the green-haired female Pherro conducting her own studies at her work area behind him. "Lahlign, could you please open the door for Deadfire? I don't want him kicking it down... again."

Lahlign ge'Rouh was significantly shorter than Kenrish, and less skilled in the talents which all the Pherro have than Kenrish was, but she was pretty powerful in her own right. And where Kenrish was a powerful empath, she was a formidable psychic. Without moving or otherwise acknowledging her husband's request, she used what telekinetic powers she had to press the entry button which was installed next to the door. It quickly opened with a faint ZHHHHHHD! Kenrish turned to the door to see Deadfire blink, then moved his right leg from the snap-kick position it was in down to where his foot was firmly planted on the floor. The whole time, Kenrish's empathic abilities notifying him that Deadfire's usual smugness didn't lessen by a hair. Kenrish had also taken to finding out every last gesture that Deadfire outwardly made and tried to connect it to Deadfire's other emotions. "What do you want, you flaming cadaver?"

The half-dragon smirked, showing more of his razor-sharp teeth than the two oversized "tusks" which were set in his lower jaw. Like always, Deadfire took Kenrish's name-calling in stride, as it was a personal game between them. Amongst his blue mane of hair, Deadfire's left ear twitched in amusement. "Well, Mr. Mc'Skunk, I think I have information about the rest of the translation for that prophecy you found." Almost impossibly, Deadfire's deadly grin grew wider as Kenrish's eyes suddenly looked like the following but upside-down: U U. Deadfire's wings twitched slightly in satisfaction, as Lahlign suddenly became interested in the conversation and stopped her experiments.

"Well?" asked Kenrish.

"First of all, let me tell you how I came across this information."

"Sounds complicated," commented Lahlign. Left ear twitch.

"It was. Now, one of Prince Dragon Dagger's messengers, you know the ones with the blue and yellow armor, caught me when I was raiding those graveyards on Han-Han. He relayed to me a message from the High Prince."

Kenrish blinked. "Why would he have any information of that kind?"

"Well, he got it from Roddy Onk."

"Hmm… so Roddy'll help us find the other two Horsemen?"

"Nope. Roddy got his information from Dran."

"Huh?" both Kenrish and Lahlign said in unison. Deadfire's nose flared slightly, coinciding with the flare of his smugness.

"Yup. 'Double Dagger' Dran. He's the one who translated it. He couldn't read about the first two Horsemen, but the last message he gave Roddy was that he had found the Third, and Bethani is locating the Forth."

"Interesting… so what does the whole prophecy say?"

"'The Song of Life will be Silenced unless the Four Horsemen can be gathered. The First Horseman is of the Forest, and is the Harbringer to the Destruction of Civilizations. Lightning is his Herald and Battle is his Servant and his Life. The Second is the Wild Horse, who is Twice-Blessed of Chaos. He will be Cursed, but the Fight is always his. He will Hail from up the River, and will be Respected of Honor. The Third Horseman is a Defender. He shall wield His Half alongside His Desert Mare and Her Half, and together They will confuse all Mages. They shall come from the Tower of Pitch, and a Three-Fold Land. The Fourth shall be the Winged Horse. He shall be a Troll-Killer and a Speaker of Magic. His Sword shall always Strike True, and He shall command the Crystal Rose.'"

"'Three-Fold Land?' 'Crystal Rose?' What do those mean?"

"I haven't the faintest idea," Deadfire deadpanned. His two Pherro friends face-faulted (try saying that ten times fast). Nose flare and left ear twitch.

* * *

Well, Sparhawk could say to himself that he was having fun. #If you consider trying to untie this plot of Primate Annias's so that he may be eliminated as fun, anyway. Hmm… yeah, it's fun.# In his week back home in Cimmura, Sparhawk tried to follow Krager (one of Martel's henchmen; curse that Martel!) but was interrupted by one of the idiotic footmen who hung around the Church Knights (who were nowhere near as competent as any of the other orders of knights), visited the disguised Pandion Knight's in-city headquarters (looked like an inn), visited the castle where his Queen was locked in crystal to preserve her life and had to force Annias to re-light the candles in the room so that she wouldn't just sit in the dark, and had his friend the Earl of Lenda keep the candles alight.

Then, he went and visited the Pandion chapterhouse, saw the "Little Mother" Sephrenia, went to a den of thieves, found Krager again (without being noticed), and followed him into a brothel. There, he overheard Krager relay a plot to ruin the name of the Pandions to the Baron Harparin for him to relay to Annias. #Martel and Annias are obviously working together.#

At least he had gotten to see his squire Kurik, his good fellow Pandion Kalten, and the Preceptor Vanion. Plus he made allies with Talen, a clever pickpocket, and with Talen's boss, Platime.

#Martel's men are going to pose as Pandions and attack Count Radun's castle in Arcium? Well, it looks like the real Knights will have to get there first.# "Talen, put those coins back in my pocket."

"Okay…."

"ALL of them."

"Alright, alright! They're back!"

"Good boy."

* * *

Strogan liked training at the Black Tower, though he didn't trust the M'Hael. Anyway, he had been sent to Cairhien by order of the Dragon Reborn. He was to inspect the rubble which came from an explosion inside the Sun Palace. Apparently, a Forsaken had attacked the Lord Dragon. Strogan, just recently raised to full-fledged Asha'man, was very good at tracking people who could channel via the residue the One Power left behind. Although he still couldn't sense _saidar_, he could still feel the residue after the person was done channeling.

Strogan decided against Skimming the whole way there. He wanted to see the city from the outside, so he Skimmed to about one league outside the city. After walking a few spans, his black cloak waving in the wind, he became aware that eyes were watching him. He quickly scanned the trees, the road, the sky, everywhere for where the eyes were. But he couldn't see their owner. He began to get nervous. Then he felt something cold... it was preventing him from channeling! He was shielded! But by who? He tried to punch through the shield, and he tried to wriggle his way to a weakpoint, but to no avail. The shield, though obviously tied off, was like rushing water - impossible to punch and impossible to fight the current to find the weakpoint, if there was one.

Then Strogan saw him as he stepped out from behind a tree. Strogan committed the man's face and clothing to memory. Blue eyes. Red hair which reached his shoulders. Black pants. Black leather jacket. Sea-green shirt. Black boots which reached his knees. Black belt pouch. Two empty dagger sheathes. And he was holding two daggers, one sky-blue and the other blood-red, in his right hand. Somehow, Strogan knew that the daggers were what created the shield on him... well, maybe the blue one. #But how? Are they _ter'angreal_?# Strogan drew his sword. The other man put his blue dagger in his left hand.

"So you think you can beat me without the use of the One Power?" asked the strange man.

"What other choice do I have?"

"You can relax, put your sword away, and stop trying to channel."

"Why should I?"

"Because, if I didn't stop you, you very well could have endangered the Lord Dragon."

"What?" Strogan was thoroughly confused. #How would serving the Lord Dragon endanger the Dragon Reborn?#

"You've heard of the Pattern, haven't you?"

"Yes."

"You don't belong in it."

"Huh?"

"You are an anomaly. You don't belong in the Pattern, and your existence in it endangers it. With you around, it is more likely that the Lord Dragon will loose Tarmon Gai'don. Without you, he has a higher chance of success."

"What does my being an 'anomaly' have anything to do with the Lord Dragon?"

"You are like unto the Lord Dragon. You are like a _ta'veren_. You pull the Pattern in the direction you wish it to go, even subconsciously. However, unlike a _ta'veren_, the Pattern cannot restrict you. In other words, the Pattern will snag and tear on you and you will cause things to go awry. And, you are not endangering just the Lord Dragon, but your whole world."

"What should I do? Should I simply die?"

"Nope. You are important, but not here. You are needed where I come from."

"Wait, isn't the One Power crucial to the Pattern?"

"Yes, but it is also separate from it. Certainly, the One Power - _saidin_ and _saidar_ - rotate the Wheel of Time as it creates the Pattern, and it is almost exclusive to your world, but you'll still be able to channel where I come from without any adverse effects. Besides, when you channel anywhere but on your world, the Taint on _saidin_ will be unable to affect you."

"Hmm... okay." Strogan sheathed his sword. "My name is Strogan Vaaren, Asha'man."

The man smiled. "For obvious reasons, I am called 'Double-Dagger' Dran," Dran said as he sheathed his daggers and the shield over Strogan dissappeared. "However, my full name is Dran del'Blemti Ventor-Kyze, Twin Dagger."

"What's a 'Twin Dagger?'"

"It's what happens when a Chill Dagger becomes a Blood Dagger or a Blood Dagger becomes a Chill Dagger. Blood Daggers and Chill Daggers are mercenaries."

"Oh. Well, when do we leave?"

"In a little while. First, we need to go and find a very specific Aiel woman."

"Why?"

"Because she is the exact same kind of anomaly that you are. She'll need to come with us or else the Dragon Reborn will lose anyway."

* * *

Ranma was astonished. ""You mean to say that you know every form of martial arts which my world currently has?""

Udahr looked amused. ""Yeah. Except that I don't know everything about the Saotome School of Anything-Goes. That's why we're waiting here, in the so-called Phoenix Tribe territory.""

""What happened to them? This place seems so empty.""

""Oh, their leader claimed to be a God and such. His claim was false though. After getting rid of that false God for good, most of the people went into a crazed frenzy and tried to kill me. I got to them first though.""

""Are there any survivors?""

""Just six of them. They wouldn't dare attack me again. I think they're hiding from the Musk and Amazons now though.""

""Only six!"" Ranma was appalled. How could this man talk so casually of exterminating nearly a whole tribe?

Udahr noticed Ranma's reaction. ""So you think I'm evil now? Just shut up and keep listening."" Ranma sat back down. ""My home was burned to dust when I was five. My parents? Both dead. Most of the rest of the city? In turmoil due to a riot. Why?""

Ranma gaped. He didn't know how to answer.

""I have been searching and I have found a company which all evidence points to as the cause. I still haven't found out why or precisely who was responsible, but that company has caused more deaths than I ever have. Killing a bunch of false Phoenixes doesn't even begin to compare to the carnage I've seen.""

""So... why did you have to kill so many?""

""They would have caused World War III, but the history books I read say that that war will happen in the year 2052, not 1991. I had to preserve the timeline, else who knows what may happen? Though I am merciful. I didn't kill all of them. Besides, I hate false Gods.""

""So why are we just waiting here?""

""Because your poor excuse of a father is going to unwittingly teach me everything he knows about fighting.""

* * *

Two hours later...

A panda came rampaging up the slope of Phoenix Mountain. He had a backpack on his back. He was Saotome Genma. Udahr spotted him long before he even reached the base of the mountain. Once the overweight waste of space made it to the rather large ledge where Udahr and Ranma were, he pulled out a thermos and changed into his human form with some hot water.

""I have come to take my son back!""

Udahr yawned, angering the bald, bespectacled man. ""Baka. I'd love to see you try.""

Genma jumped into the air, spinning a bit for a powerful backhand. Blocked by Udahr's right fist. Using Udahr's arm to push off from, Genma went for a roundhouse kick to the abdomen. Blocked by left palm. Left jab blocked by right palm. Right knee blocked by left fist. So on and so forth.

Ranma noticed that Udahr had stopped paying attention to Genma. #So he's blocking by instinct alone? Amazing!#

Udahr was simply counting the trees he could see in the distance while his instincts helped him block the obese man's attacks. After two minutes, Genma got in the way of Udahr's view, panting from exertion. Only then did Udahr realize that Genma had stopped attacking.

""That's it! SAOTOME SCHOOL SECRET TECHNIQUE: UMISENKEN!"" With that, Genma pulled a sheet out from under his shirt and disappeared.

Ranma was astonished. #Secret Technique? He never taught me those... grrr! He had so many lies!#

Pulling out a blank cloth scroll, Udahr simply said, ""It's about time you reveal something worth my effort."" Unrolling the scroll, he grinned. Unknown to Ranma and Genma, Udahr had gone to a school of war which specialized in ki attacks. Also, neither of them knew that Udahr could copy virtually any ki technique due to his training. ""UMISENKEN!"" With that, Udahr pulled the scroll over his head and also disappeared.

Ranma was wondering what would happen next. Suddenly, something hit the bolder off to the left with a sickening thud. Genma, covered by a white sheet, stood up and pulled the sheet off of him. Udahr also reappeared near Ranma as he was rolling up the scroll.

Genma was furious. #He mimicked my technique so easily? Let's see how he likes my wind blades!#

Udahr made no effort to dodge. He simply used his Wind Geomancy to disrupt the ki-generated wind blades, causing them to dissipate harmlessly. Udahr was still surprised anyway. ""I had no idea that you could do that with ki. Let me try!""

Genma nearly threw out his back avoiding the seven consecutive wind blade pairs. #What the hell! Grrr... I'll try something else!#

The rest of the battle continued with Genma desperately trying to catch Udahr off-guard with another one of his Secret Techniques, Udahr copying it, and then countering it until Genma had taught him all of his Secret Techniques. Finally, he was nearly exhausted. Udahr looked disappointed.

""That's it? Oh well. Sleep."" and with that, Udahr hit a pressure point on the bridge of Genma's nose, and the fat moron passed out. ""Okay, Ranma. We're leaving for my time now.""

Ranma smiled.

* * *

About two days after Udahr left with that boy who was now cursed to become a girl with cold water, another odd event happened that the Guide at Jusenkyou will never forget. While tending to his garden, he heard a splash from one of the springs. #What? Again? So soon? I never get a break.# He walked around his hut towards the springs in time to see a leopard crawl out of one of the springs. The Guide froze. #Spring of Drowned Leopard. Hopefully, whatever fell in won't be dangerous or at least won't try to kill me when I change it back.# He always hated it when that happened.

Then, the leopard turned around and reached into the spring with its maw. It pulled out a traveler's pack. The Guide sighed a sigh of relief. #Oh good. It was a human who fell in.#

The leopard, on the other hand, wasn't so relieved. #Oh great. I've been turned into a beast. Hmm... a leopard? Well, at least I won't be totally helpless.# It began to growl. The Guide, who was edging towards the leopard in the least threatening manner possible, froze again, trying to decide whether to advance or retreat. Meanwhile, the leopard kept getting angrier. #Saotome Ranma... look at what you've done to me!# Suddenly, a thought crossed its mind. #Wait! What if Ranma also got turned into something too. If he became another leopard, then no problem. If he became a prey item, it would be dishonorable to attack him.# Suddenly, the leopard noticed the Guide. It cocked its head, then relaxed and layed on its side, its back facing the Guide. #There. Now he should not be afraid to get too close to me.# The Guide did indeed notice the guesture.

The Guide walked closer, then stopped about a meter away. The leopard looked up at him. ":Hey, do you understand me:" No response. ""You understand now?"" The leopard nodded. ""You fall into Spring of Drowned Leopard; only one of many cursed springs here at Jusenkyou, each with own tragic story. All who fall into that spring turn into leopard. Wait here. I get something for change you back."" The leopard nodded, while raising an eyebrow at the guide's bad Japanese. The Guide quickly walked into his hut. He returned with a teakettle. ""Hot water change you back."" He began pouring water on the big cat, changing it to the form of a boy.

#Ow! That's hot! Hey! I'm me again! And... I'm naked?# He quickly covered himself. Also, he was wrong. He wasn't entirely naked; he was still wearing a silk bandana, with a leopard-spot design, on his head.

""So sorry if too hot. Cold water change you back into leopard."" The boy winced. ""But you still you. Would you like to borrow some clothes or you still have some in pack?""

""I have more in my pack. Um... sumimasen?""

""Hai?""

""Did another boy about my age come through here? He should have blue eyes and black hair braided into a single pigtail. His name is Saotome Ranma.""

""Hai. Your friend here two days ago. He fall into Spring of Drowned Girl.""

The boy blinked. Then his jaw dropped as his eyes widened. #Woah! He got a worse curse than I? I feel sorry for him now. Not even all the torment I've received would make him deserve that fate.# He collected himself, then opened his pack and started putting on clothing. ""I have a favor to ask.""

""Hai?""

""If he comes back here, tell him Hibiki Ryouga was looking for him.""

""Hai. I tell him for you.""

""Oh, and one more thing...""

""Hai?""

""Could you put some hot water in my thermos?""

""Hai. No problem.""

* * *

#Finding that orphaned girl in the middle of the forest surprised me. Looks like Sephrenia has taken her as an apprentice.# Sparhawk was in the lead of the group going to save Count Radun. The girl whom they found was being called "Flute," a nickname Sparhawk gave her because of her refusal to speak and because she was found playing a flute. She was a Styric girl.

As they rose over the next hill, they found the ruined castle (eight leagues west of the city of Darra) where Sparhawk was planning to meet up with the remaining Pandions, including his friend Kalten and his squire Kurik. Kalten rode up to greet them.

"I thought you'd got lost," Kalten said as he reined in once in hearing range, blonde hair getting into his eyes a bit. He began looking curiously at Flute, who was sitting in front of Sparhawk's saddle, bare feet on either side of the horse's neck and Sparhawk's cloak enveloping her. "I'm pretty sure it's a bit late for you to start a family, Spar."

"We found her on the way here." Sparhawk handed Flute over to Sephrenia while rolling his eyes.

"Why didn't you give her some shoes?"

"We did. She's lost seven pairs so far. I don't think she likes wearing them. In any case, we'll try dropping her off at the nunnery at the other side of Darra." Sparhawk looked at the castle ruins. "Is there any shelter in that rubble?"

"Some. At least it breaks wind."

"Let's get down there then. Kurik brought my armor and Faran, correct?"

Kalten nodded.

"Relief at last. This horse is a little unruly and thoroughly stupid, and the armor Vanion gave me for a disguise chafes me in more places than I could wish to count."

* * *

Kurik was waiting for them in the part of the ruin which was now a makeshift stable. "What took you so long?"

"Kurik," Sparhawk began, a bit defensively, but still sarcastic. "It's a long way and those wagons can move only so fast."

"You should have left them behind."

"And abandon our supplies and extra equipment?"

"Point," Kurik grunted. "Let's get inside and out of the weather. Greetings, Lady Sephrenia." Kurik noticed Flute in Sephrenia's arms. "My, have you been keeping secrets from us?"

"Haven't you learned, Kurik? That's what Styrics do best." She laughed. "How are Aslade and the boys?"

"They are fine, Sephrenia."

"Glad to hear it."

"I already have water boiling for your tea."

"Thank you Kurik. Very considerate."

* * *

Early the next morning, the group of now five-hundred Pandion Knights and two Styrics arrived at the nunnery at the other side of Darra. After leaving Flute with the Mother Superior there, they rode off to the south, towards Count Radun's castle. After several leagues, they crossed over a knoll, and Sparhawk reined Faran in very sharply - partly out of surprise and partly to keep himself from face-faulting out of the saddle. Kalten was not as skilled and left his face's imprint in the dust next to his horse. In front of him was a large white rock, and atop it, sitting cross-legged and happily playing her oddly-shaped Styric flute, was Flute.

"How did you..." Sparhawk shook his head. Then he called out, "Sephrenia." She was already out of her saddle and walking up to the bolder.

Sephrenia began speaking to her gently and softly. "+My my. Looks like you have some real talent, Young One. To teleport ahead of us using only your _ghyrij_ is no small feat. And to think that you're only six winters old... You nearly killed my friend from surprise.+" Sephrenia finished with a wink. Flute stopped playing her _ghyrij_ (the "flute" she plays) and gave Sparhawk an impish grin. Sephrenia giggled and took Flute into her arms.

"How did she get ahead of us?" Kalten asked, visibly puzzled.

"Who knows?" Sparhawk replied. "I'll take her back to that nunnery then."

Sephrenia looked up at him. "No, Sparhawk. She desires to go with us."

"Too bad. I'm not taking a little girl into the heat of a battle."

"Don't you concern yourself with her, Sparhawk. I'll care for her." She smiled at Flute. "She'll be protected as if she were my own." She laid her cheek against Flute's glossy black hair, both looking way too cute. This caused Sparhawk and Kalten to sweatdrop. "In a way she is."

Sparhawk decided to give up. "Very well." As he began to turn Faran back towards Radun's castle, he felt a sudden chill followed by almost palpable hatred. "Sephrenia!" He turned to her, worry in his face.

"I feel it too!" she cried, drawing Flute closer. "It's directed at the child!"

Flute struggled briefly, and Sephrenia, visibly confused, nodded and set her down on the ground. The six-year-old's face was like stone, looking more annoyed than angered or frightened. She raised her _ghyrij_ to her mouth and began to play. Rather than the usual light airy melody in minor key which Flute usually played in, the music was noticeably darker. It was very stern and peculiarly ominous. Suddenly, from some distance away came an agonizing howl, layered with deep pain and complete surprise. Almost immediately, the howling began to fade, as if it's source were fleeing for it's life at an incredible rate. Once it could no longer be heard, Flute relaxed and stopped playing.

"What was that?" Kalten exclaimed.

"A malicious spirit of some sort," Sephrenia calmly answered.

"What drove it away?"

"Flute's song. It seems that she can adequately protect herself."

Kalten turned to Sparhawk. "Do you understand what's going on here?"

"No more than you. Let's keep moving. We still need to ride hard if we're to help Count Radun."

* * *

""Ranma, did you ever have any childhood friends?""

""Yeah. My buddy Kuonji Ukyou from when I was real little, and my sparing partner Hibiki Ryouga who I met about a year and a half ago. Why do you ask?""

""... Just curious.""

* * *

""Well, Ranma, are you ready for the future?"" asked Udahr.

""As ready as I'll ever be.""

""Alright. Let me call my time machine.""

Udahr's glasses began to glow again. This time, Ranma was close enough to see that projected onto the lenses were words, numbers, writing, and various other high-tech-ish symbols and designs. #Those must be... um, what're they called? Ah yeah, computer monitors.# Ranma was entirely correct.

Suddenly, Ranma could feel something coming towards them...

* * *

Out in space, behind the largest asteroid near Earth in the Asteroid Belt, was a relatively small, oddly shaped starship. It looked to be the inspiration for "War of the Worlds" and various other UFO movies and books from the 1960's. It was shaped like a "flying saucer" but it had a three-sided, low-rising cockpit in the center of the top of the craft. Each corner of its triangular canopy pointed towards a small, spire-like protrusion. The bottom was covered with several large bulges that looked as if they could open up like the bomb-bay doors of an aircraft. It also had seven smaller, semi-spherical bulges which could also open, except like eyelids. Upon closer observation, one would correctly conclude that they were for the retractable landing gear. Where an eighth landing gear bulge should have been (at the "front" of the craft), a larger bulge existed. Closer inspection would reveal it to be an entry hatch.

The craft's overall diameter was about fifty feet, and (not counting the landing gear) from it's lowest point to the peak of the canopy (the uppermost part of the ship) it was about twenty feet. the canopy was clear, like glass, and the cockpit's interior was a dark dull gray. The outside of the ship was primarily black, whereas the three spires were a deep blue. All over the whole ship, orange lines covered the hull in strange patterns which seemed almost alien. The lines met at odd angles and were full of curves, circles, jagged lines, right angles, sinuous lines, and straight lines.

Suddenly, the cockpit flared to life, revealing all sorts of control consoles and monitors crowded around the pilot's seat, but also revealing the three passenger seats behind the pilot's seat. All four seats were empty. One of the monitors began to scroll with writing:

"&INCOMING SIGNAL ON ÆTHER COMMUNICATOR. PASSCODE ENCRYPTION PROCESSED. AUTHORIZED USER RECOGNIZED. ESTABLISHING DIRECT LINK. PROCESS COMPLETE. COMMAND?&" After another few seconds, more writing appeared. "&COMMANDS RECOGNIZED AND ACCEPTED. PREPARING STEALTH DEVICES.&" The orange lines turned neon green for a second, before the whole ship disappeared. "&TASK COMPLETE. INITIATING SUB-LIGHT ENGINE.&" If it could have been seen, one would have noticed the outer edge of the craft glow a light yellow, dispensing particles to provide lift, propulsion, and flight controls. "&PROCESS COMPLETE. COMMENCING COMMAND: LAND AT POINT 5723991 AND STANDBY.&" With that, the invisible craft swung around the asteroid and sped towards Earth, using Mars's gravity field in a slingshot maneuver along the way to save fuel and time.

The ship's stealth devices were so good, no one could have detected the craft without the use of an Æther-field sensor, which no one in this Universe had access to... yet, anyway.

* * *

Ranma could hear a low-pitched humming coming from above them, but couldn't see anything. Suddenly, Udahr's glasses flashed on again, and Udahr was pleased to see them say: "&PROBLEM WITH COMPLETING COMMAND: LANDING GEAR CANNOT EXTEND WHILE STEALTH DEVICES ARE ACTIVE. DISENGAGE STEALTH DEVICES?&" By thought, Udahr wrote a reply on the computer attached to his spine, and sent it to the ship's computer. It read: "&Affirmative.&" The ship replied: "&CONFIRMATION RECEIVED. DISENGAGING STEALTH DEVICES.&"

The humming was replaced by a louder rumbling as the ship became visible again. The lines changed from neon green back to orange. Ranma fell backwards onto his bottom in surprise. #Woah! That looks cool! Well, mostly. It is a flying saucer after all.# Ranma was even more amazed to see seven spider-like limbs emerge from some of the bulges on the underside and touch down. The yellow glow around the edge of the ship disappeared.

"&LANDING GEAR EXTENDED. STABLE LANDING PLATFORM CONFIRMED. SUB-LIGHT ENGINE DEACTIVATED. COMMAND COMPLETED. STANDING BY. COMMAND?&"

"&Activate voice command system.&"

"&COMMANDS RECOGNIZED AND ACCEPTED. MICROPHONES ARE ACTIVE. VERBAL COMMANDS MUST BE PRECEEDED BY 'COMPUTER:'. COMMAND?&"

Udahr turned to Ranma. ""Surprised?""

""Yeah. It looks a little corny. Does everyone in your time use a flying saucer?""

Udahr chuckled. ""No. In fact, the starship I regularly use looks a lot like a dragon. But this is my time machine. Sadly, I had to shape it like this for it to be able to travel through time.""

""Oh. Now it makes sense.""

""Well, let's go." Computer: open hatch."

"&COMMANDS RECOGNIZED AND ACCEPTED. AIR IS DETECTED TO BE BREATHEABLE. TEMPERATURE: 77 DEGREES. AIR PRESSURE: WELL WITHIN ACCEPTABLE BOUNDS. UNSEALING HATCH.&" A hissing sound could be heard. "&TASK COMPLETE. OPENING HATCH.&" The hatch glided open. Ranma was astonished at the rather roomy interior but was disappointed that the hatch didn't reach the ground. "&TASK COMPLETE. EXTENDING HATCH RAMP.&" Ranma was surprised to see a metal plank with a metal surface covered with little, smooth protrusions (obviously to help with walking up it) extend from the edge of the hatch to the ground. "&COMMAND COMPLETED. COMMAND?&"

""Come along, Ranma. Time to leave.""

""Hai, Udahr-sensei.""

With that, they both climbed into the ship. However, Udahr detected the presence of a relatively powerful spirit and quickly recognized it. #So, Kho Lon still wants revenge on me? I don't see why. When Xiam Pu attempted to give me that "kiss of marriage," all I did was dodge and force her to give that kiss to the idiot with the glasses, Mu Tsu. Well, then I asked Mu Tsu to teach me the Amazon's style of fighting as a reward and he gratefully complied.# Udahr shook his head slightly. #Well, whatever. Ah, there she is. Sweet dreams, you old hag.# Udahr used his Wind Geomancy to hit a pressure point on Kho Lon from the distance they were at, instantly knocking her out and off of the staff she was pogoing over on. Unfortunately for the old bird, Udahr happened to have pushed her over a particular body of water... And Udahr snickered before going inside.

* * *

Only one hour after that Hibiki kid had left, the Guide was surprised to hear another splash come from the springs. He turned to see a rather old-looking duck come out of the Spring of Drowned Duck, coughing. It ruffled its feathers a bit, then got back in the water and dove down. It came back out with a rather familiar looking staff in its weathered beak. After it had returned to shore, it then grabbed the staff with its wings in a familiar way, then began to glare at the Guide, as if expecting him to do something. The Guide scratched his head, then took a closer look at the duck's eyes. The Guide, still confused, cocked his head. The on the duck's forehead, a vein began to bulge, even though it was clearly impossible for a duck to do so. The duck then wrote in the dirt in kanji: ":Get the hot water you numbskull! I am Kho Lon.:" The Guide's eyes went wide while on the back of his head a big sweatdrop appeared; he quickly ran into his hut to fetch the tea kettle. Kho Lon mentally berated herself. #Curse him. He detected me, then forced me into one of the Cursed Springs. Or maybe it was my own stupidity?# She sighed. Well, tried to. It sounded more like a quack. #Whatever the reason, I can't detect him anymore, so he has indeed left our world. I guess I'll have to break the news to Kon-Ji Xiu-Na, Xiam Pu's cousin, that I couldn't catch her a husband.#

* * *

Skorn was enjoying the show. He felt that the old hag deserved to be turned into an old duck. Although he couldn't assume a real form, he would have loved to have met this Udahr fellow. And that Ranma kid? #Hell, he's twice blessed of Chaos. I'd love to meet the kid!# However, doing so could alert certain people to his presence on Earth, a planet Demons had long been forbidden to visit. He'd hate to have those people aware of where he was. They could summon him (which Skorn figured to be the most annoying thing there ever was) and then kill him, not just one of his copies. Skorn hated Demon Summoners who tried to summon him. He especially hated those who knew his Song Name - regardless of whether or not they tried to summon him. And anyway, he didn't want to die, either. #I guess I'll just have to wait until I see that Ranma kid again.# With that thought, Skorn's undetected nothingness drifted to another world, where he might be able to relieve himself of his boredom.

* * *

Walls encircled Count Radun's castle, which sat atop a high, rocky hill. The sky was clear and the noonday sun warm as Sparhawk, Kalten, Sephrenia, and Flute rode up to the fortress. Such as Radun was known to do, the two Pandions, the Little Mother of the Pandion Order, the girl, and the three horses were admitted inside without a question asked.

* * *

Later, in the Count's private study, Sparhawk was bringing the Count up to speed on the events which were unraveling.

"Are you familiar with the name of Annias, primate of Cimmura, my Lord?" inquired Sparhawk.

Radun grimaced while answering shortly: "I've heard of him."

"You have also heard of his reputation then?"

"Yes."

"Good. By sheer luck, Sir Kalten and I uncovered a plot hatched by the primate. Also, he luckily is not aware of the fact we know about it. It is your common practice to freely admit Church Knights, is it not?"

"Of course. I revere the Church and her Knights."

"Within a few days - a week at the most - a large group of men in black armor and bearing the standards of Pandion Knights will ride up to your gates. Do not admit them."

The Count was astonished. "But-" Sparhawk interrupted by holding up one hand.

"They will NOT be Pandions, my Lord. They're a rabble of mercenaries lead by a renegade named Martel. If you let them in, they will kill all who are within the walls of your estate - with the exception of a churchman or two to spread word of the atrocity."

"Monstrous!" gasped Radun. "What reason could the primate of Cimmura have to bear me such hatred?"

Kalten then said: "This plot isn't directed at you, Count Radun. Your murder is designed to shame and discredit the Pandion Order of Knights. Annias wishes for the Hierocracy of the Church to become so infuriated that they'll disband or execute every member of the Order."

"My nephew must be notified immediately!" declared Radun, jumping to his feet. "As King of Arcium, he can get an army here in two days - three at the most!"

Sparhawk stood and placed his hand on the Count's shoulder. "That will not be necessary, my Lord. I have five hundred fully armed Pandions - real Pandions - concealed in the woods just to the north of your castle." The Count relaxed, and sat down. Sparhawk returned to his seat and continued: "With your permission, I'd like to bring one hundred of them inside your walls to strengthen your own garrison. When the mercenaries get here, try to find some excuse for not letting them in."

"Would that not seem strange?" asked the Count. "I have a reputation for extending hospitality to travelers, particularly towards Church Knights. I'd think that'd tip them off."

"The drawbridge," Kalten said.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Tell them that the windlass which operates the drawbridge broke down. Then tell them that you have your men working on it and ask them to be patient."

"I refuse to lie," Radun replied stiffly.

"That's alright, my Lord," Kalten assured the Count. "I'll break it myself; that way, you wouldn't be lying."

Count Radun stared at Kalten for a moment, blinked, then burst into riotous laughter. Sparhawk then shared his strategy once Radun got back into the chair he fell out of: "The mercenaries will be outside the walls giving them very little room for maneuvering. That's when the Pandions in the forest will get them from behind."

Kalten grinned from ear to ear. "It will look like a cheese grater when we begin grinding them up against your walls; just red instead of orange."

"And I'm think of some rather nasty things to drop on them from my battlements," added Radun, sharing Kalten's grin. "Arrows, rocks, burning pitch, full chamberpots - that sort of thing." Sparhawk smirked at Radun's mention of full chamberpots.

"My Lord, I feel that you and I shall get along quite splendidly," Kalten said.

Sephrenia cleared her throat. "I will accompany Sir Sparhawk and Sir Kalten in the battle."

This surprised the Count. "But-"

"This Martel whom Sparhawk mentioned is a former Pandion and has delved deeply into secrets which are forbidden to honest men. I will have to counter whatever magic he may try to throw at us."

"Very well. I shall make sure that the girl is well protected here in the keep."

"No. She'll ride with me."

"But surely the child-"

"Flute must stay with me," Sephrenia sternly interrupted. She looked over at Flute, who had gotten one of Radun's books down from the shelf and was curiously opening it. "No!" she said, perhaps more sharply than she intended. She got up and took the book from Flute and returned it to the shelf. Flute sighed, and they both left the room, Sephrenia talking gently in a Styric dialect which Sparhawk couldn't understand.

"What was that all about?" inquired Radun.

Kalten shook his head. "She believes that reading will interfere with their magic."

* * *

He was a scout. He was to find that abomination and gauge his strength and influence. The intelligence he was to gather would help when the Lady and the three existing Lords destroy that False God.

He was glad he was chosen for the task. Being a Phoenix Warrior, he was granted the power to Blind - powers granted by the Dark Phoenix, the first Phoenix Lord. He was also an accomplished swordsman - even before he had been Reborn into a Phoenix. Also, he was an expert at intelligence gathering and sneaking around - both of which were heightened by the powers granted by the Dark Phoenix.

He entered Earth's atmosphere, above China. No country could detect him on radar and no one could see his dark-blue Phoenix flames or hear the roar of his descent - such was the all-blinding powers of the Dark Phoenix. He landed on Phoenix mountain. #Odd. No one is here. There used to be a city somewhere around here.# Shifting into his humanoid form, black and blue-colored armor with a helmet shaped like a Phoenix's head adorned his muscular form - and from the beak of the helmet, a permanent shadow covered his face. In order to be in the service of the Lady Phoenix, losing one's human face was a meager cost.

As he walked up the mountain, the sight of the ruins of a once-bustling city surprised him. He could feel no significant life-readings. He entered a cave he was sure he might find the False God. He was correct.

He cocked his head as he looked at the decaying form of Saffron, the False God and Impostor Phoenix, covered in flies and maggots. #Someone did the job for us? Strange. I wonder who was aware of this tribe of False Phoenixes...#

He left the cave. Then he realized that there were some life-readings on the other side of the burned-out city. He drew his Phoenix Sword and carefully made his way through the rubble, blinding any who might notice him against his presence. All anyone would see would be a pile of rubble; they would not hear him moving amongst the toppled buildings; no animal would be able to pick up his scent.

As he got closer, he determined there to be six beings of moderate power huddled together, trembling - not from the cold, but out of fear and confusion. These were the last of the False Phoenixes. He decided to allow them another chance. He uncloaked his presence and spoke to them in the Phoenix Tongue:

":The Lady Phoenix is willing to forgive you of your sins and turn you into true Phoenixes if you but forsake Saffron and come with me.:"

At the sound of his voice, they turned as one towards him. When he was finished, they agreed. The Phoenix Tribe was no more.

* * *

Galedradha had finally finished her training as a Wise One. She was now accepted as a full-fledged Wise One. She also discovered that she could enter _Tel'aran'rhiod_, the World of Dreams and she had the Talent for Dreaming; in addition to channeling _saidar_, she had prophetic dreams.

However, she seemed to have only one dream recently, and she kept having that same dream over and over. It featured four horses: one made of wood, one who was wild, one made of iron, and one with wings. They all danced around something which she couldn't identify; something which emitted a soothing and relaxing yet energizing and awakening song. The horses protected that object from an encroaching sense of total silence. She knew the silence to be evil, but other than that, she didn't understand the meaning of that part of the dream. However, the second part focused on the Iron Horse. The Iron Horse specifically approached her and asked her if she would take up the spear again and ride with him. Then the dream ended. She knew that she would soon be approached by someone whom she did not know and be asked to take up the spear again. Most non-Dreamers could figure that part out easily. She determined that she would take the spear again when asked; in order to fight the Total Silence, she would do anything. She was pretty sure the Dark One and that Total Silence were working together.

A Spear Maiden appeared outside Galedradha's tent. "Wise One, may I come in?"

"Certainly, Rhiurai. Come in, come in."

Rhiurai was tall, and of the same sept of the Codarra clan as Galedradha. They were childhood friends... emphasis on "were." Custom dictated that Galedradha break all friendships she had with others.

Galedradha asked why Rhiurai had come.

"There are a pair of wetlanders here. They asked for the Wise One in our camp. That is you, correct?"

"Yes. I will go to see them."

In a lean-to tent on the edge of the camp, surrounded by twelve Red Shields (the enforcers of the law among the Aiel) were two men. One wore a black cloak with a silver sword on one side of his collar, and a gold and red enamel dragon on the other side. Underneath he wore brown-colored clothing, and had a sword on his belt. His brown hair looked beautiful, as were his brown eyes. #What in the name of _Avendesora_ am I thinking? He's just a wetlander... who looks like he's more ready to kill than a veiled Maiden? Hmm...# The other man looked very strange. Red hair reached his shoulders. His blue eyes looked feral, but calculating. A black leather jacket covered his sea-green shirt, which disappeared at the waste under his black pants. His pants were tucked into his black boots. At his belt, Galedradha could see a pouch and two daggers; one red and one light-blue.

Before she could speak, the redhead said, "Shade and water to you, Wise One."

"Shade and water to you, wetlanders." The redhead chuckled at that. "What is so amusing?"

"I am not a wetlander, although Strogan here is."

#Curious.# "Then what are you?"

"An Offworlder." Most of the Red Shields leveled their spears at his neck after this odd statement. The redhead simply rolled his eyes at their reaction. "You are all so ready to 'dance' with me, huh?"

"What do you mean by 'offworld?'" inquired Galedradha.

"Well, I came from another world. In fact, I came from another universe."

"How can that be possible?"

"I found a pillar in the ruins of a building on a world called Arken. It was shorter than I am and covered with various symbols. I identified one as Eastern Manetheren. That lead me to an area East of the city of Andor, about where the Dragon Reborn, whom you know as the _Car'a'carn_, is gathering men who can channel."

#I have seen one of those pillars in Rhiudean.# "So why have you come here?"

"To gather two people who are a threat to the Pattern, but who are also needed to save all universes."

"Who are you?" Galedradha and all the other Aiel present were surprised when the spearheads of every spear suddenly fell to the earth. The redhead was holding his two daggers out in the open. Galedradha barely saw him move, but was even more surprised when she saw that the blades of his daggers were the same colors as the hilts.

"I am Dran del'Blemti Ventor-Kyze, a Twin Dagger. I am also known as 'Double Dagger' Dran." Suddenly becoming aware of their situation, the Red Shields tried to pull out their bows, only to find that all their bowstrings had been cut in half and the shafts of their arrows had been cut into thirds. "I did not come here to threaten you, but the feeling of pointy metal objects around my neck was annoying me." He had the nerve to smile.

"If you did not come here to threaten, then why are you here?"

"I believe that you are one of the threats to the Pattern. You are like a _ta'veren_, pulling the threads of the pattern towards you, but rather than pulling them to where they should go, you are fraying the Pattern to tatters. The longer you stay here, the more you'll endanger the _Car'a'carn_ and the rest of your world."

"Why should I believe you?"

Dran pointed to Strogan. "Because he is the Third Horseman; he is the Guardian, the Iron Horse."

Galedradha gasped, surprising the other Aiel in the shade of the lean-to. She looked into Strogan's eyes. He had the exact same eyes as the Iron Horse in her dream. Her heart began to race.

Strogan spoke up, "I know that what Dran says seems to be impossible, but it's true. Will you come with us to save this world and to learn how we can save other worlds?"

Galedradha looked thoughtful, for a moment. Then she spoke, "Rhiurai?"

"Yes, Wise One?"

"You will tell the other Wise Ones that I died when a few Shaido Aiel attacked us on our way home to our sept."

"But that would be a lie..."

"Even so, I must not be followed or searched for. Do you Red Shields also understand what I say?" They nodded. "Good."

Dran then had a suggestion, "Since you're coming with us, it would be best if you dressed like your friend there."

"Dress as a Spear Maiden?"

"It would be best. Besides, we're leaving your world behind; the rules of your society will no longer apply to you."

She sighed. "Very well. If you'll excuse me?"

"But of course." She hurried back to her tent to put on a Spear Maiden's _cadin'sor_, the "working clothes" of a warrior. She had kept several of her _cadin'sor_ to remind herself of her past as a _Far Dareis Mai_. When she came back, she saw Dran repairing the weaponry which he broke. He would take the two halves of a bowstring and set them down on the ground in front of him. Then he placed his blue dagger over the cut, his dagger would glow a little, then he'd remove his dagger to reveal that the bowstring was whole. He did the same with any spear or arrow brought to him.

"Why are you doing this?"

He looked up briefly, "Because, I do not wish to deplete your people of their protection any more than I have to." He went back to his task.

Galedradha was puzzled. Then she realized she was being addressed by Strogan. "Excuse me, Wise One."

"Yes?"

"Dran means that he is depleting their protection by taking you from them."

Rhiurai looked annoyed. "We can handle ourselves."

"Really? Can you channel? No? Then we are depleting you of your protection." Rhiurai scowled, then turned away from Strogan. "By the way, Wise One..."

"Yes? What is it?"

"... we don't know your name. My full name is Strogan Vaaren."

"Galedradha of the Codarra Aiel."

"Hmm... Gelid-radda? Gal-edra-tha? Hmm... difficult for me to pronounce. May I call you, um, 'Gale'?"

"You mean like the fierce wind?"

"Yes."

Galedradha tried not to giggle, but she wasn't very successful at preventing it. "I won't mind." She noticed that Strogan's face flushed red briefly. "So tell me about you?"

"I became an Asha'man recently."

"Oh, how old are you?"

"Barely seventeen. Yesterday was the day I was born."

"Well, I recently became a Wise one. I am twenty-one years of age and the day of my birth was six weeks ago."

Rhiurai interrupted, "Why are you being so friendly to a wetlander?"

"First of all, he's not a treekiller, you know, from Cairhien."

"Okay." Rhiurai was less tense now.

"Second, he is the Iron Horse. He is important. That is what my dreams were telling me." Rhiurai looked to be simply annoyed now.

Strogan blushed. "You dreamed of me?" Realizing what she said, Galedradha shared his blush. Rhiurai grew angry.

"So you're dropping us all, just like that? Does being an Aiel Wise One mean so little to you? What about the friendship we once had? Was that meaningless!" Galedradha was at a loss for words. "I was going to request that we be made first sisters! But since you seem to like this 'metallic pack animal' more than being Aiel, you can forget it!" Rhiurai ran to her own tent, almost openly sobbing.

One of the Red Shields spoke up, "She's just been a little stressed recently. She knows not what she says. She always got overdramatic when we were kids, but I thought she grew out of it." Galedradha recognized him as one of Rhiurai's many blood-brothers.

"Perhaps she still has some growing to do," Galedradha mused. Strogan still looked astonished.

Then, after a few seconds of silence, Strogan asked, "What's a first-sister?"

"It's an Aiel custom," she explained. "First-sisters and first-brothers aren't necessarily related by blood, but are often closer than blood relatives."

"Interesting," mused Strogan.

Dran finished his repairs of the Aiel weaponry and turned to Galedradha and Strogan. "Well, I'm done repairing the damage I've done. Are you two ready?"

"Always," replied Strogan.

Galedradha looked at the other Aiel present, then nodded. "I am also ready. Where shall we go?"

"Back to where I entered your world. It is the only way back."

"I'll go get some waterskins then..."

"No need," interrupted Dran. "I can guarantee that we'll find plenty of water along the way. Let's go."

* * *

Two days after their arrival at Count Radun's castle, just before sunrise, Kurik rode quietly into the camp outside the castle walls. He shook Sparhawk once, and Sparhawk's mind jolted into consciousness.

"You'll want to get up," explained Kurik. "They're here."

Sparhawk quickly got out of his bedroll and began to get his armor on, Kurik assisting him. "How many?"

"I'd say it would be about two hundred and fifty smelly sell-swords."

"Where's Kalten?"

"He wanted to be sure that there weren't any surprises so he snuck himself into the end of their column."

"He did WHAT?"

"Don't worry, Spar. They're all wearing black armor. He'll easily blend right in."

Sparhawk held out a bright red ribbon. "Help me tie this on." The ribbons were issued to each Knight so that the real Pandions would know each other from the enemy.

Kurik took the ribbon and began to tie it around his Lord's upper arm. "Kalten's got a blue ribbon. Said it matches his eyes." After finishing the knot, with a grin, he stepped back, then said, while rolling his eyes: "Adorable. You'll make Flute jealous."

Sparhawk laughed. He then gestured towards the other sleeping Knights, most of them youthful new recruits. "Let us wake the children - it's almost playtime."

As the two of them went through the camp, shaking the Pandions awake, Kurik said: "I have a bit of bad news though."

"What is it?"

"Martel's not leading the rabble."

Sparhawk was visibly disappointed. "Who is it, then?"

"Adus. His chin was covered in blood; I believe he's eaten raw meat again."

Sparhawk swore.

"Look at it this way: at least the world will be a cleaner place without that brute."

"At least there's that."

* * *

About an hour after dawn, Kalten rode back into camp.

"Anything interesting, such as Martel hiding amonst the group?" asked Sparhawk.

"Afraid not. Just Adus."

"Nothing unusual about the mercenaries."

"Not really, but about half of them are Rendors."

"Rendors?"

"Yup. They don't usually smell very good, do they?"

"No. They don't." They both laughed.

An hour later, all of Sparhawk's forces were ready. All fully armored, armed, mounted, and hidden in the edges of the forest, watching the black-armored imposters march towards the gate.

Adus, who was accustomed to communicating via grunts and belches, rode up towards the gate and began reading, though haltingly, from a piece of paper which he held at arm's length. He completed reading the request, albeit with some trouble with the word "admission," as it had more than one syllable.

Count Radun appeared on the battlements and announced that the windlass of his drawbridge was regretfully broken. He then asked them to be patient while it was repaired.

Adus stood there, mulling it over. After quite some time he simply sat down on the grass. The mercenaries dismounted and began lounging at the foot of the castle wall. A red banner appeared at the top of the keep.

"That's the signal," stated Sparhawk. "Radun's forces are ready." He put on his helmet, gathered his reins, rose in his stirrups, firmly holding Faran in, and raised his voice to roar: "CHARGE!"

* * *

Sparhawk was angry. Adus was getting away. Adus had killed one of the rookie Knights whom Sparhawk had grown fond of. Faran was snorting his frustration, probably at Adus's horse being faster than him.

Whenever Sparhawk began to gain on Adus, one of the other mercenaries who was trying to escape would get in his way and engage him. Each of these fights, although they always ended after Sparhawk's first strike, put more distance between him and Adus. It was infuriating.

Suddenly, Sparhawk saw a glint of metal (a weapon, perhaps?) flash ahead of Adus. Then Adus seemed to explode into a gory mess. The remaining three mercenaries immediately fell backwards out of their saddles - a throwing knife lodged in each of their throats. As Sparhawk got closer, he could see that Adus has been cleanly sliced in half horizontally just under the ribcage. Also, his horse had been decapitated. He then saw the person who had killed Adus. It was a woman who was holding an impossibly large sword. Although she had waist-length silver hair, she looked to be very young - not more than twenty-five years old. She stood there, smiling at him with her strange red eyes. She wore sturdy brown leather boots. #How oddly scandalous of her to wear pants - yellow-green pants at that.# She had an orange, long-sleeved blouse buttoned up to her neck with a collar, and over it she wore a brown leather vest. Attached to her belt at the hip was a broadsword, still in the scabbard.

Despite her having helped him by killing Adus, Sparhawk was wary of her. #If she is able to use that sword at all, then she must be extremely dangerous.# He squeezed Faran with his knees, edging the horse backwards. Then he addressed the woman: "Thank you, my Lady, for killing this dangerous man."

"You're welcome," she replied in a beautiful, melodious voice. "I figured that he didn't deserve to escape you, Sir Sparhawk."

So surprised at her knowing his name Sparhawk face-faulted. The woman began giggling. When Sparhawk looked up at her, his face covered in dirt, she began laughing, causing her endowments to bounce. Sparhawk's face reddened, then he got himself up off the ground and wiped the dirt from his face. At this time, Kalten, Kurik, Sephrenia, and Flute rode up.

"So who's your girlfriend?" asked Kalten. Sparhawk shot him a look.

"Oh, I'm already happily married to someone else," the woman said before anyone else could say anything.

"That is one gigantic weapon!" exclaimed Kurik. She then easily lifted it off the ground with both hands and hefted it over her shoulder, causing everyone else to go wide-eyed.

"Yeah. It's called a zanbattou." She then looked very thoughtful, then her expression changed as if she had decided on something. She began to swing the large weapon towards Sparhawk, but it disappeared in a flash of light when it had reached the apex of the swing. "I figured I ought to put it away."

Sephrenia was the first to stop gaping. "Who are you? WHAT are you?"

Sparhawk added his own question to the list: "How did you know my name?"

"My name is Bethani del'Blemti. I am a warrior-mage from another world. I have been watching you, Sir Sparhawk. I have come here for the Winged Horse."

"The 'Winged Horse'?" asked Kalten. "I haven't seen any horse with wings. Ever."

Bethani smirked. "I'm not talking about an animal. The 'Winged Horse' is a title."

"Well, I haven't heard of anyone who goes by that title."

"Of course not. The 'Winged Horse' doesn't even know that it is his title."

"So who is this 'Winged Horse' supposed to be?" asked Sparhawk.

"Well, I'm pretty sure that the Winged Horse is you, Sir Sparhawk." She smirked as everyone else, except the horses, face-faulted.

* * *

Ranma decided that he hated time travel. He still felt weak and queasy from their hop down the time stream. He hated feeling weak. He hated being queasy. #At least I'll never have to do that again.#

""Ranma,"" Udahr began. ""We're landing. Welcome to my private estate.""

""Aughhhhh..."" he replied, swaying as much as his harness would let him. ""Your estate? All I see is a planet.""

""Yes. I own the whole planet.""

""NANI!""

Udahr laughed. ""Didn't know I was rich, did you? That planet was what you'd call a 'deserted planet' - much like a deserted island - able to sustain intelligent life, but none was present on it when it was discovered. I bought it.""

""Wow...""

""Yeah. It's name is" Yetro-Nuchim. "Means 'Beautiful Dusk' in the" Dragonoidian "language.""

* * *

After landing and storing his time machine, Udahr impressed Ranma with his other ship. It was long and snake-like - in fact, it looked like a clockwork Japanese dragon. Like Udahr's other ship, this one was covered in the orange lines. The rest of the ship was a pattern of red and black. Down the "spine" of the ship was a white mane-like sail, which actually happened to be the ship's Sub-Light Engines. The cockpit was in the "head." Various projectile weaponry was concealed in the "mouth" and at various points in the "belly" and "tail." The long "whiskers" were various sensors and telecommunication devices. The four "legs" functioned as both landing gear and energy blade projectors.

""This is what I usually use. It is named" _Geostalker_. "It is a Devastator-Class Starcruiser.""

""Sugoi!""

* * *

Exiting the portal, the _Geostalker_ "slithered" its way towards another planet.

""Ranma, this is the planet" Likop "in the Dragon Master Imperium. Here live the descendants of the Japanese from Earth. They will teach you English and test to see if you have talent in the Samurai or Shinobi Arts. They will also test to see if you can learn Geomancy. I will have to leave you with them for a few months. I challenge you to master the English language by the time I return. Do you accept my challenge?""

Ranma smiled. ""Hai, Udahr-sensei. I accept.""

* * *

End Chapter Two


	9. tPot4H part 3

#HEADDESK#

Wow. I can hardly believe I was this naive.

**The Prophecy of the Four Horsemen**

By Lord Dragon Claw

Chapter 3 Part A

Disclaim this! Go on, I dare ya!

Key:

"Speech."

#Thought.#

""Japanese.""

"+Styric.+" (used to cast Styrician magic)

":Mandarin or other specified language.:"

"-Telepathy.-"

--Mind-linked Telepathy.--

"&Telecommunicator, television, telephone, computer screen, etc.&"

A note about the planet Jal'Ræn: anything that is of the planet Jal'Ræn is called "Jal'Ri", much in the same way that anything from Japan is called "Japanese".

Chapter 3: Of Gods and of Magic

* * *

Sparhawk was still shocked at Bethani. Her casual demeanor towards everything was a little unsettling. Sparhawk had realized that she didn't mean to appear flirtatious, but that it was simply the way she acted. She insisted that Sparhawk let her train him in the arts of magic and war and although Sparhawk loved to learn new ways of fighting, he was rather puzzled as to why she wanted to train him.

In any case, Sparhawk would have to deal with it later. He had a Primate to fool.

"Count Radun," he said as they entered Radun's Castle. One of the novice knights, Berit, who had killed at least thirty of the mercenaries, had been invited to follow.

"Yes?"

"I have two favors to ask of you."

"Anything, Sir Sparhawk."

"Are you known to any of the members of the Hierocracy in Chyrellos?"

"Quite a few. In fact, I'm related to some of them - the Patriarch of Larium is a cousin of mine."

"Good. I know that traveling isn't the best this time of year, but I'd like you to join me for a ride."

"Of course. Where are we going?"

"To Chyrellos. The other favor is a bit more personal. I need you to give Berit your signet ring."

"My ring?" He lifted his hand and looked at his heavy gold ring bearing his coat of arms. Bethani was more interested in the conversation at this point. Sparhawk nodded.

"And worse yet, I can't guarantee that I'll be able to return it."

"I'm not sure that I understand."

"Berit will take the ring to Cimmura and drop it in the collection plate during services in the cathedral there. That will tell Primate Annias that his plan succeeded and you had been murdered. He will then rush to Chyrellos to lay charges against the Pandions before the Hierocracy."

Bethani laughed. "But you'll be there to prove the man wrong by showing that Radun is still breathing! The look on Annias's face will be hilarious!" She laughed again.

Radun grinned. He liked the idea. "The ring is well lost then." He pulled the ring off of his finger and handed it to Berit.

"All right," said Sparhawk to Berit. "Don't kill any horses on the way back to Cimmura. Give us time to get to Chyrellos before Annias does. Don't go near the inn on Rose Street or the Chapterhouse. Dress like a commoner, and go to morning services to pray, dropping the ring into the collection plate. I can't order you to do this because I can't guarantee that your life won't be in danger."

"You don't have to order me to do this, Lord Sparhawk," Berit replied with a smile. He left to get his horse and ride to Cimmura.

* * *

"Sparhawk, you need more training in magic," Bethani admonished him, in the stables. "Styrician magic has its advantages, and it is powerful, but it is rather limited in its application."

"I can see the advantages to learning other types of magic," agreed Sephrenia. Kalten was saddling her horse for her.

"If you don't mind," Kalten began. "I'd like to learn some of this magic of yours, Lady Bethani."

"You too, huh?" Remarked Sparhawk. "Alright, I suppose I will learn this other magic."

Bethani smiled. "Of course, Sephrenia, this offer extends to you and Flute as well." Flute's face suddenly perked up. She was standing to Sephrenia's right, holding her hand, watching the horses. But this offer of new magic intrigued her, and she very much wanted to learn all she can. Sephrenia looked down at her surrogate daughter, and smiled at her, a smile crossing Flute's face as a reply.

"I will allow Flute to learn from you, but I'm afraid that I'm too old to start this type of training. It took the first forty-five years of my life to master Styrician."

"That won't be a problem, I can assure you," said Bethani. "Besides, I think you all should know how old I really am!" Everyone else's faces were completely blank of expression, as they were all dumbfounded at her statement.

Bethani began, using an informative tone. "By my people's calendar, today is the twenty-eighth day of the thirteenth month, Kon 'Kallar, in the year 32,035 AV. Today is the final day of the year."

"Wow, that calendar has been in use for quite some time!" remarked Kalten.

"What does the 'AV' mean?" asked Kurik, as he returned to securing Faran's saddle.

"It means 'After Victory'. That is how many years after the victory of a legendary man over the oppressors of his people. He is only known as 'the Gatherer' today though. But that's besides the point. I was born on the twenty-seventh day of Taive, the fifth month, in the year 31,421 AV, making me six-hundred fourteen and a half years old." Bethani ended this statement with a smirk.

The entire group, except Bethani, face-faulted.

"How is it possible to live for so long?!" exclaimed Sparhawk.

"Simple: a specific meditation technique locked my age at the maturity of twenty-five years once my body matured that much. Now, I do that meditation technique just before I go to sleep. Heh, my father's been doing it for the past sixteen-thousand years!"

Instead of a face-fault, the group instead performed a simultaneous jaw-drop.

"I can hardly believe what I'm hearing!" exclaimed Sephrenia.

"Well, you'd better believe it!"

"Wait," Sparhawk began. "What about those of us, which happens to be most of us, who have already aged past twenty-five? Do we remain stuck at our current ages?"

"No. You actually grow younger until you again reach the maturity of twenty-five. Then you stay that way."

"This just sounds too incredible," stated Kalten.

"Well, not everyone can do it properly, but regardless of how well you can do it, your life is extended for some time anyway."

"So, how long does it take to learn this meditation technique?" asked Sparhawk.

"About two weeks. Mastering it may take longer, but it seems to have a fourteen-day minimum on learning it. You all can learn it on the way to Chryellos."

Sephrenia decided to ask a question that was bugging her. "Lady Bethani, from which of the Gods do your powers stem from? The Styrician Gods or the Elene God?"

Bethani giggled. "Neither. The kind of magic I will teach you finds its power from everything that exists. Its energy is called mana, and mana can be found in everything, except that which has recently died."

Kalten cocked his head. "Do you worship ANY Gods?"

"But of course! But not any Gods you know of - yet."

"So which do you worship?" asked Sephrenia, very curious at this point.

"Well, I am primarily a servant of the Lord Zaxineh."

"Who is he?" inquired Sparhawk.

"Why, he is the God of the power which shares his name - the Holy Zaxineh Power. Its basis is Light, Thunder, and Water."

"Hmm... What about the Styrician Gods or the Elene God?" asked Sephrenia.

"Well, the Gods went and set up a very different system here, on your world. The Styrician Gods are a pantheon of Gods who have power within the boundaries of your world and nowhere else. The Elene God is another God who has power here and nowhere else."

"What about the Elder Gods of the Styrics?" Sephrenia asked.

"Well, they have more power, but they exchanged that power for a reduction in their intelligence, influence, and control."

"So," Kalten began. "What you're saying is, both the Styrics and the Elenes worship actual Gods, and their claim that the other group doesn't is wrong?"

"Precisely."

"Such talk would get you killed in a place like Chryellos," said Sparhawk in a serious tone.

"Thank you for your concern, but they'd never be able to touch me," replied Bethani in a cocky tone. At this point, Count Radun entered the stables to see if all the horses were ready.

Radun addressed Bethani. "My dear, your hair and clothing will attract too much attention to you, and will probably get you and us in trouble if anyone sees, and I doubt that we can hide you very well in the first place. Are you sure about going?"

"Oh please! I'm going to go. And it is true that my appearance will draw many questions, but luckily I have a couple of abilities to get around that." With that, Bethani began smoothing her hair with her hands. As they watched, her white strands began turning progressively darker shades of grey, until her hair was completely black. "That solves that, but these" she pointed to her chest "will attract unwanted attention..." She placed the palms of her hands over her breasts, and slowly began to push them in. Everyone in the room could see her breasts shrink in size as she did so, until they became less than average size. This was all causing everyone to look at Bethani in a weird way.

"And, as for the clothing..." She pulled a heavy, dark-brown cloak out from her Æther and placed it on her shoulders. The others were getting less and less astonished as she continued to surprise them. After Bethani enveloped herself with the cloak, she used her Æther again to switch the other clothing she wore with what appeared to be a monk's robes, all dark brown. Her sword belt was still around her waist though. "There. That should do it."

"So you used magic to change your clothing and appearance?" Kalten asked.

"Nope. When I changed my appearance, I simply used a natural ability my mother and all my siblings have. As for my clothing, I used my Æther."

"What is 'eye-thur'?" inquired Sephrenia.

"It is an energy from a plane of existence; a plane which is a reflection of the physical and spiritual planes."

"Planes?" Sparhawk was mildly confused.

"Well, yes. Hmm... Let me put it to you this way: a knight has several layers of armor. The outer is the plate armor, the physical plane. The next is the chain mail, the shadow plane. The third is the body of the knight, the spiritual plane. The Æther plane is like a mirror, except the chain mail isn't reflected on the mirror's surface."

"Interesting," Sparhawk mused.

* * *

Udahr had left Ranma with the people on Likop and had asked him if he had any childhood friends. Ranma gave him the names of two people: Kuonji Ukyou and Hibiki Ryouga. Ranma claimed that they were both boys, but Udahr wasn't sure if "Ucchan" was a boy. "Ukyou" wasn't a very masculine name to Udahr's ears.

In any case, Udahr decided to track down Ukyou first. His most recent lead had led him to Nerima, a suburb in Toukyou, which most foreigners called "Tokyo". However, the city seemed to reek of chaos. Udahr had a tough time locating Ukyou and began to wonder if he had a dead lead. But soon, Udahr heard of an "Ice Queen" at a local high school, who had all sorts of information and was willing to share it - for a price. This "Ice Queen" happened to be named Tendo Nabiki. He had also learned that there seemed to be a lot of commotion at the high school on a regular basis.

#This Furinkan High School that Nabiki attends seems to be the center of it all...# Udahr thought as he approached the school under the shroud of the Umi-senken. #I like this ability, but I have already seen its drawbacks. As a void generated by ki, it also nullifies the mana resonance of my body. If someone were to reach out with magic senses, they would find an area void of mana, which exists in everything except that which has recently passed on, and even then, the bacteria which would begin to decompose the body would still have their own mana.#

The final bell of the school day rang out, and Udahr noticed that many people were looking depressed. #Odd... It's Friday... Why are they so sad if it's the last school day of the week? They typically should be excited about going on dates tonight or something.# When Udahr concentrated on hearing the murmurings and mumblings of the students, he soon found out why.

""I can't believe that our entire Gymnastics team was injured before the competition!""

""Well, you know that sister of Tatewai, she never plays fair.""

""You know, we haven't seen Akane since she was injured three days ago.""

""Actually, she did make it to the competition, but Kodachi simply broke both of Akane's wrists...""

""That's horrible! Her ankle was already sprained! Why would Kodachi do such a thing!?""

""You know the Kuno family: extremely insane."" This last comment was made with extreme disgust.

""What's the matter Nabiki? I thought Tatewai was your favorite source of income.""

Udahr looked and saw that the girl who was referred to as Nabiki was brown-haired, busty, and well, everything else he had gleaned from the intelligence he gathered. #Perfect. Know I know who to ask about Ukkyou.#

""Not anymore. Now leave me be."" The iciness of her tone froze everyone else within earshot... well, the ones who could be seen normally, anyway. Udahr followed Nabiki. He wasn't that surprised to find that Nabiki thought out loud when she was apparently by herself. ""Great. Akane is too depressed to go to school, Dad is no help, and then that fat panda-man shows up and eats more than any of us combined. How am I supposed to earn enough money to keep us inside our own home now?""

Udahr finally saw the opening he needed. He dropped the Umi-senken and spoke: ""Perhaps I could help?""

Nabiki suddenly felt intense fear. Sure, she wasn't very good at martial arts, but she could tell when someone was sneaking up on her. For this man to appear out of the blue like this...

""Who are you?""

""Someone who needs information. Though I have no Yen, I can pay with real gold."" Udahr pulled a gold sphere out of his robes. It was five inches in diameter. ""I can assure you that it is solid gold.""

""You can't guarantee that on the spot.""

""No, I suppose I can't, but here: take it and have it appraised. I will wait for you in the park three blocks north of Furinkan tomorrow at noon. If you find that ball to be real gold, then I will pay you with another identical to it for the information I need."" Udahr handed her the ball. ""Hopefully I'll meet you again tomorrow."" With that, Udahr suddenly jumped straight up. Before Nabiki had time to react, Udahr had already pulled out his blank scroll and re-cloaked himself in the Umi-senken. Nabiki looked up, but saw nothing. She was amazed at his ability to disappear. She immediately went to get the ball appraised.

* * *

The next day, Nabiki found Udahr under a tree at the park.

""So you did get it appraised."" It was not a question.

""What information do you need?""

Udahr handed her another orb made of gold. ""I am looking for someone by the name of Kuonji Ukkyou. Ever hear of him?""

""Not a male by that name, but a girl who dresses as a boy. Are you sure you have the right name?""

""Yes. The information I had originally received was not complete.""

""Well, Ukkyou goes to a different school than I do, but she does run her own okonomiyaki restaurant, named 'Ucchan's'. Would you like directions?""

""Please.""

""From here, go three blocks west and you'll come to a transit station. Take the southbound train to the second stop. From there, go east for about a block and you'll spot it on the northern side of the street.""

""Thank you. There is also one other person I am looking for."" Udahr handed over a third sphere. ""His name is Hibiki Ryouga.""

""I've met him. He sometimes appears in town looking for two people, each named Ranma. He says one is a boy with black hair, but the other is a girl.""

""Where can I find him?""

""He has a horrible sense of direction, so he is easily lost. Because of this, I have no idea where to find him or even how to start tracking him down.""

""Do you have any other information on him? Such as what other people think of him.""

""Yes. My younger sister, Akane, thinks that Ryouga is kind of cute, which is odd. She hates boys. She thinks that they are all perverts.""

""Hmm... well, thank you. By the way, that 'panda-man', as you called him, wouldn't happen to be named Saotome Genma, would he?""

""Y-yes...""

""As an additional payment, I can soon get rid of that freeloader. He'll be out of your hair within a week, especially since he has a bad habit of committing crimes.""

""Thank you.""

""Don't mention it. We will not meet again."" With a sudden speed, Udahr ran out of the park, bringing up the Umi-senken as he passed behind a boulder.

* * *

Dran, Strogan, and Galedradha finally reached the end of the Aiel Wastes and began scaling the Dragonwall, a tall and treacherous mountain range, also called the Spine of the World. Dran had been teaching his two new students about magic.

"Magic is broken into five regions on a diagram called a powerwheel," Dran began. "The regions are the North, East, South, West, and Center. Each region has its own elements. To the North is Light and Lightning. To balance the North, the South is Shadow and Darkness. To the East is Fire and Magma. The balance of the East is the West, wherein lies Water and Ice. The Center, being balance itself, is Life. It is also Dragon, Green, Wind, Earth, and all sorts of other types of magic. Oh, also, Wind and Earth are opposites and balance each other."

"Similar, yet different to how the One Power is arranged," commented Galedradha.

"So, how does magic work?" asked Strogan.

"Magic is powered by mana, an energy present in everything, except that which has recently died. A spell is cast by drawing mana from around you, as well as from within you, and shaping the mana into the spell. There are two methods of casting spells: pool method and line method. The pool method is done by taking portions of mana from various different objects and mixing them into a 'pool', which is a spell. Once the various kinds of mana are fully mixed together, the spell is complete, and simply needs to be triggered. Line method is done very differently. First of all, mana is viewed as many different 'lines' or threads. To cast the spell, you must properly weave the lines together. Once the lines are finally all in place, the spell only needs to be triggered. There are advantages and disadvantages to each method, but they are pretty much the same in the long run."

"So, which will we be using?" asked Galedradha.

"Both."

* * *

"That sounds very different from the way that Styrician magic works," mused Sephrenia.

"Actually, Styrician magic is simply the pool method directed with words, which is why it's so powerful, yet so limited," answered Bethani.

"The line method seems very interesting as well," commented Sparhawk. "I wonder, are there any mages who specialize in either method?"

"Yes. But there are also two special types of mages who can use only one method or the other, and another special type which can use both." Bethani leaned back in her saddle. "There is the Sling Mage, who can 'catch' spells and 'sling' them wherever they wish. Sling Mages use both methods; however, they are weak against Fray Mages. A Fray Mage can't use the pool method, at all. Such a mage can only use the line method. They always cast their spells at the area where they want it to go off, rather than cast the spell near them and then send it at the target. They can also take apart spells by pulling one of the lines out of the spell, hence the name 'Fray Mage'. However, Fray Mages are at a severe disadvantage against Hammer Mages."

"Wait... 'Hammer' Mage?" asked Sephrenia. Flute was sharing her saddle and also looked puzzled.

"Well, yes. A Hammer Mage is only able to use the pool method. Oddly enough, their spells have absolutely no lines in them, which is why Fray Mages can't take their spells apart. A Hammer Mage usually uses an off-balance weapon, such as a hammer, an axe, a mace, a flail, or other such weapon, as a focal point for their spells. Their spells are usually very destructive in nature, and nearly no magical barrier or structured spell can withstand a Hammer Mage's barrage. However, Sling Mages can easily catch any Hammer Mage's spell. Of these three special types, the Hammer Mage is the most common and the Fray Mage is the rarest. Even so, Hammer Mages are pretty rare, and most mages don't know enough about any of these three special mage types to be able to effectively combat them."

"How is it that you know of them then?" inquired Sparhawk.

"One of my father's best friends is a Sling Mage. His name is Udahr Jayson Greigh. One of his friends, a half-elf named Slarl Verdixa, is a very talented Fray Mage. Another one of his friends, Jojonno Ki'Yiddir mel'Tassyct, is a Hammer Mage."

"Zo-zon-noh... Jyo-john-no..." said Kalten, clearly unable to pronounce the name.

Bethani chuckled. "Here, let me write it down so you can practice pronouncing it. Jojonno is a Felinid, which is a being that seems like a cross between an elf and a cat. Felinids are a little touchy about the pronunciations of their names. Mispronouncing any Felinid name is considered an insult to their race. At least Jojonno is more patient than most Felinids. In fact, he's the most patient and laid-back Hammer Mage I've heard of!" She quickly wrote down some words on a piece of paper and handed it to Kalten. The paper read:

"Jojonno Ki'Yiddir mel'Tassyct (ZHO-zhon-no KEY-yid-DEER mel-TAHS-sikt)"

"Thank you, Bethani," said Kalten.

"Sure thing! I mean, I seriously doubted that you might want a Felinid angry with you."

"These Felinids sound as though they could be really dangerous," commented Sparhawk.

"They can be, but then again, anyone can be. For the most part though, Felinids are generally care-free and fun-loving, much like housecats."

"What exactly do they look like?" asked Kalten.

"Well, they are generally slim, like elves, but they have a cat's eyes, ears, and tail. The only places where they have fur are on their ears and tail, and their hair is very much like a lion's mane. On their face, they have a cat's whiskers. And their fingernails are much like a cat's claws - retractable and sharp. And for the most part, Felinids are very cute."

"Cute?" asked Sephrenia.

"Cute like housecats."

"How about their combat abilities?" asked Sparhawk.

Bethani could see that Sparhawk was intrigued by any race he never had contact with, and that he was always calculating about who he should make potential allies of. "Well, their sense of balance is very keen - even keener than any housecat. Their eyesight is equal to a human's, but their night vision is exceptional. They also have superior hearing. Typically, Felinids use weaponry and armoring that is light and well-balanced. Jojonno is an exception. Felinids also have a talent for making very special weapons - weapons that can increase their range. For example, Jojonno has a strong, but normal, short sword. He also has a simple-looking mace - it is a metal ball at the end of the handle. However, his mace is one of those special Felinid weapons. It can turn into a flail with a chain-length anywhere from zero feet long to just over 160 feet long."

"Interesting," said Sparhawk. "How much does the ball weigh?"

"Hmmm... about one-third of the weight of the horse I'm riding."

"That is heavy!" exclaimed Kalten. "How can he wield such a heavy weapon?"

"Well, Jojonno is a Hammer Mage. Hammer Mages usually have greater physical strength than most."

"I would like to meet... Jojonno," said Sparhawk. Bethani smiled to let him know that he had pronounced the name correctly.

"As would we," said Sephrenia, indicating that "we" included Flute as well.

Bethani laughed. "I'm sure I could arrange such a meeting. But I think you may want to meet Udahr and Slarl as well."

"Okay," replied Sparhawk. "Tell me why I'd want to."

"They are both tactical geniuses. Udahr always plays mind games with his opponents when he fights, and he usually wins. Slarl is a very interesting man. His father was a human..."

"Was?" interrupted Count Radun; he looked very concerned.

"Yes. Slarl's father was killed in battle when Slarl was only fifteen."

"Brutal upbringing," commented Kalten.

"Yes. Well, before Slarl was ever born, his parents decided to enter into an Ogre Blood Pact." At this, Kalten, Radun, Sephrenia, Flute, Kurik, and Sparhawk all turned to Bethani with shocked, but curious, stares.

"Ogre?" asked Radun and Sparhawk in unison.

"Blood Pact?" asked Sephrenia and Kalten in unison.

"Yes. Let me explain. Slarl is from the planet of Jal'Ræn. It is a world populated by elves, dragons, ogres, and humans. Back then, Jal'Ræn was under siege by a criminal organization known as Bright Star. Slarl's father, Koras Verdixa, had become the last of the once-great Verdixa family because Bright Star was killing that family for opposing their rule. Slarl's mother, Breunna Shourid, and her whole family also opposed Bright Star. The Shourid family's numbers had been reduced by Bright Star to about half of what they once were. Also, the ogres of Jal'Ræn violently opposed Bright Star. The Jal'Ri ogres are one of four races of ogre - they are called the Oni. The Oni are the smallest of the ogre races, but they still reach a height of almost nine-and-a-half feet tall. In any case, Bright Star had managed to wipe out the Oni clans of the Youkaze, the Akudo, the Kuroyuki, and all but two members of the Shi clan."

"The 'Shi' clan?" asked Sparhawk.

"Shi means 'death'. The two remaining members of the Shi clan are Shi Hajime and Shi Yuki. And yes, the Oni state their names with the clan name first, and then their given names. Hajime, Yuki, Koras, and Breunna initiated the Ogre Blood Pact the day they were married. Slarl hasn't told me the specifics of the Pact, but from what I understand, all current and future members of the Shi clan and the Verdixa family are obligated to teach and protect each other."

"So, it's only a simple agreement?" asked Kalten.

"No. It's an Ogre Blood Pact. In such Pacts, the terms are always met by all involved persons - they don't have any choice in the matter."

"Why did they enter into such a Pact?" asked Radun.

"They did it to prevent the extinction of the Shi clan, the Verdixa family, and the Shourid family. What that means for Slarl is that Hajime and Yuki are his godparents, and Hajime became Slarl's surrogate father when Koras was killed."

"Wait," said Sephrenia. "What I know of ogres is that they are brutal, somewhat simple, and will eat their own young. In fact, they'll eat anything. How am I supposed to believe that this Oni variety of ogre is capable of such compassion?"

Again, Bethani laughed. "The kind of ogre you have heard of is the R'Glirnt ogres."

"' R'Glirnt'?"

Bethani noticed that Sephrenia had no difficulty pronouncing words from other languages, even words she had never heard before. "Yes. In the common ogre language, R'Glirnt means 'devourer', which is an appropriate name for them. They are the largest race of ogres, often becoming taller than fifteen feet. Their heads are ball-shaped, and are mostly mouth and throat. Their brains are fairly small and they have the thinking capacity of an eight-year-old human child. Their bellies take up more than half of their entire bodies and their skin is the same dull-green as the snot in the nose of a sick child. R'Glirnt will eat anything they find to be tasty. The Oni are much smarter and are capable of kindness."

"Hmm... I may have to see it for myself. I still find it difficult to believe."

"We seem to have gone off on a tangent," Sparhawk mused. "I think you were originally teaching us about the nature of magic."

Bethani shrugged. "Yeah, but the cultures of other worlds is also important for you to learn, Sparhawk."

"Heh. Anyway, I am curious, is Bright Star still trying to maintain control of Jal'Ræn?"

"No. Slarl and Hajime were key figures in driving Bright Star off of their world."

"One more question," said Radun. "You said that there are four races of ogre, but you have mentioned only two. What are the other two?"

"Well, I did mention the R'glirnt, the largest and stupidest ogres. Then there is the H'Remd-La, or 'flame bearers', whose heads are egg-shaped. They have two arms and two legs, but they don't have feet - only four hands with six fingers each."

"Six fingers?" said Kalten, wondering aloud.

"Two thumbs, one on both sides of the hand, and four other fingers. They also have a single row of spinal spikes running down the center of their backs. The tallest of the H'Remd-La was recorded as being thirteen feet tall. Their skin color is various shades of orange and red. They are smarter than the R'Glirnt, but not by much. A thirteen-year-old human is as smart as the smartest H'Remd-La. The next race of ogre is the D'Teln'Jez, or 'strong minds'. They and the Oni are the two smartest ogre races. The D'Teln'Jez have box-shaped heads and grayish skin. Their bodies are proportioned similarly to a human but with a broader chest and thicker limbs. They grow to be just over ten feet tall. They are as smart as adult humans - sometimes smarter. The Oni are the only race of ogre to have a different language than the common ogre language. The Oni are smarter than the D'Teln'Jez. Also, the Oni are very different than the other three races in appearance. Their bodies are also proportioned like a human, but with a thinner waist, longer fingers, and a tongue like a snake's. They have three eyes and a pair of goat-like horns on their triangular head. Their skin ranges from a very dark shade of gray to black."

"I still find it hard to believe that there are four kinds of ogre," said Sephrenia.

"Actually," said Radun. "In Elene scriptures, it is mentioned that there are four kinds of ogre. Anyways, I think I see a messenger coming."

"You're right," replied Sparhawk. "Looks like he's a Pandion Knight."

The man in black armor rode up to their group. He lifted his visor and spoke, "Sir Sparhawk."

"Sir Olven," greeted Sparhawk, easily recognizing the knight from his scarred face.

"Preceptor Vanion sent me to give you a message. Your instructions are to return to Cimmura with all possible speed."

"Why the change in plans?"

"King Dregos is in Cimmura, and he's invited Wargun of Thalesia and Obler of Deira to join him. He wishes to investigate Queen Ehlana's illness - and the justification for the appointment of Lycheas as prince regent. Vanion believes Annias will bring against the Pandion Order his false charges of us murdering Count Radun."

"Berit should arrive at Cimmura tomorrow." Sparhawk's face was a study of calculation. "Have all the kings arrived yet?"

"No. King Obler is too old to travel very fast and it may take a week to get King Wargun sober enough to travel from Emsat."

"We'll not gamble on that. But we will cut across country to Demos and then ride directly to Cimmura. Is Vanion at Chyrellos?"

"No. He already headed for Cimmura to stall for time. The Patriarch Dolmant is with him."

"Dolmant?" queried Kalten. "If he's going to Cimmura, then who's going to run the Church?"

"Sir Kalten," replied Radun, rather stiffly. "The guidance of the Church is in the hands of the archprelate."

"Sorry, my Lord. I know how much you Arcians revere the Church, but let's be honest. Archprelate Cluvonus is eighty-five years old, sleeps most of the time, and is hard of hearing. Dolmant doesn't make an issue of it, but most of the Church's decisions that come out of Chyrellos are his."

"I take it that Dolmant is not corrupt?" asked Bethani.

"Who is this woman?" asked Olven. "Sparhawk's lover?"

There was a pause, and then everyone but Olven laughed.

"No, Olven," began Sparhawk. "She is my new tactical advisor and battle trainer."

"A female?"

"Yes."

"Sparhawk... did you get hit in the head?" This brought some chuckles from the rest of the group.

"Surely you don't think he's crazy," stated Sephrenia.

"Pardon me, Little Mother, but what do you mean?"

"Am I not a tactical advisor and battle trainer for the Pandions? Have I not been such for twenty years?"

"I see your point. I apologize, my Ladies."

"Please, call me Bethani. It is my name after all."

"Again, I apologize, Lady Bethani."

Bethani gave Olven a stern look. "Seriously, just Bethani will do. And stop being so apologetic."

"Um... Okay." Then she smiled.

"Also, I happen to be happily married to a man named Dran delBlemti Ventor-Kyze."

"So, your name is Bethani Ventor-..."

"No," interrupted Bethani. "Ventor-Kyze is one of my husband's titles. My name is Bethani delBlemti."

"Well, we'd better head for Cimmura," stated Sparhawk. "Let's ride."

* * *

Ranma was certainly having fun. He had his Curse against his magic removed, and the samurai and shinobi of the planet Likop knew about martial arts. They knew a great deal about the subject. Also, primarily because of some of the kunoichi who were training him, he had learned that Genma was dead wrong about women being weak. He learned about that the hard way, but luckily he learned that lesson very quickly.

Ranma was certainly good at the styles of weapon combat that they were teaching him. The master with whom he was staying, Takada Hayashi, had convinced him that using weapons in combat was certainly better than not using them. He taught Ranma that having a weapon fooled your opponent into thinking that you needed your weapon, and when they disarmed you of that weapon, they would quickly discover how wrong they were. Ranma liked the idea. He liked it a lot.

However, Ranma discovered that he couldn't use Samurai Blade Magic, Ninjitsu, or Geomancy. Good thing that they knew how to use other forms of magic - although Ranma was no master at spell casting yet, he did show plenty of natural talent in both the pool method and the line method.

On top of everything, Ranma was nearly done learning Human Common, which most Earthling Humans referred to as "English". And Udahr wasn't due to come back for another two weeks! Won't he be surprised!

""Oi!" Begin the kata again, Ranma! But slowly - I want to show you all the holes in your defense!"

"Okay, Takada-sensei!"

* * *

Seven days of hard riding (including dropping Olven off at the Pandion chapterhouse in Demos) later...

"Could you tell me where I can find Lord Vanion?" Sparhawk asked the novice who was taking their horses.

"He is in the study in the south tower, my Lord - with the Patriarch Dolmant." As the group headed out of the stables, Sparhawk could hear a snapping of teeth. "Faran," the novice began. "I already know all your tricks. Just give up on trying to bite me." Sparhawk chuckled.

* * *

After climbing the narrow stairs, the guard at the door to the study greeted them. "Sparhawk, Kurik, Kalten, Little Mother, Count Radun, and two guests. Please go right in - Vanion is getting anxious." He held the door open for them.

"Thank God you arrived in time!" exclaimed Vanion.

"Berit deliver the count's ring?" asked Sparhawk.

"Two days ago. I had men inside the cathedral watching." Vanion frowned slightly. "Was it altogether wise to entrust such a delicate mission to a novice, Sparhawk?"

"Berit is a solid young man," explained Sparhawk. "He takes whatever was assigned to him very seriously. Also, his face isn't very well known here in Cimmura. He was perfect for the job."

"I see. It was indeed your command, Sparhawk. It was your decision to make. Did your ruse go well in Arcium?"

"Better than expected," replied Kalten. "Although Martel wasn't there, Adus was. He led the mercenaries. He nearly got away, but his corpse rests in pieces now."

Sparhawk drew a deep breath. "We lost the novice, Parasim. I'm so sorry, Vanion. I tried to keep him out of the fight, but Adus got to him." Vanion's eyes clouded with grief. "I know. He was a brother to me too." He noticed that Sephrenia and Vanion shared a quick glance and Sephrenia's almost imperceptible nod, informing Vanion that Sparhawk knew Parasim was one of the twelve knights who participated in the spell that was keeping Queen Ehlana in suspended animation. Then Sparhawk straightened and introduced Radun to Vanion.

"I owe my life to you, Lord Vanion," said Radun, shaking Vanion's hand. "How shall I repay you?"

"Your presence here in Cimmura is ample repayment, my Lord."

"Have the other kings joined my nephew, King Dregos, as of yet?"

"Obler has arrived. King Wargun is still at sea, though. He is expected to arrive at any time."

A thin man dressed in a black cassock sat near the window. He had silvery hair and keen eyes. He appeared to be in his late fifties. Sparhawk crossed the room and bowed respectfully before him. "Your Grace," he greeted the patriarch of Demos.

"Good to see you again, Sir Sparhawk. You too, Count Radun." Then he looked past Count Radun. "Glad to see you're in good health, Sir Kalten. Hello, Kurik. Have you been going to chapel?"

"Err... whenever the opportunity arises, your Grace," replied Kurik, flushing slightly.

"Excellent, my son. I'm sure that God is always glad to see you. How are Aslade and the boys?"

"They are well, your Grace. Thank you for asking."

Sephrenia had been looking critically at the patriarch. "You haven't been eating properly, Dolmant."

"I sometimes forget to attend my meals," he said. Then he smiled shyly, but playfully, at her. "My overwhelming concern with the conversion of the heathen fills all my waking thoughts. Tell me, Sephrenia, are _you_ ready to finally abolish your pagan ways and embrace the true faith?"

Bethani recognized his attitude as playful and sarcastic. She wasn't surprised to hear Sephrenia to sarcastically reply: "Not yet, Dolmant. Nice of you to ask, though."

He laughed. "I thought I'd get the silly question out of the way so that we can talk without it hanging over our heads!" He looked at Flute, who was curiously exploring the room and examining the tables, chairs, bookcases, and windows. "And who is this beautiful child?"

"A foundling, your Grace," replied Sparhawk. "We found her orphaned near the Arcian border. She doesn't like to talk, so we call her Flute. She seems to approve of the name."

"By her grass-stained feet, I'm guessing that you had no time to bathe her?"

"It would not have been appropriate, your Grace," answered Sephrenia. This caused Dolmant to look very puzzled. Yet Bethani had already figured out why it would be wrong to make Flute have a bath; Flute was a special type of Styrician Mage, and at the girl's current age, a bath would wash away most of the strength in her magic.

Dolmant called Flute over to him. She warily, but steadily, approached the patriarch. "And you will not speak - not even to me?"

She piped a questioning note on her instrument.

"I see. Well, then, Flute, will you accept my blessing?"

She looked at him as if he were insane and shook her head. Dolmant sweatdropped.

"She's a Styric child, Dolmant," Sephrenia explained. "Elene blessings hold no meaning to her."

Flute then took Dolmant's hand and placed it over her heart. Dolmant sweatdropped again, not understanding what Flute wanted.

"She want's to give you her blessing, though," Sephrenia told him. "Will you accept it?"

His eyes still wide, Dolmant said: "I think perhaps that I shouldn't, but God help me, I will - and gladly."

Flute smiled at him and then kissed both of his palms. Then, while standing perfectly still, she played a strong, joyous melody on her pipes. While she played, her hair whipped about her head, as if she were standing on top of a flagpole. Dolmant's face was filled with wonder. Bethani recognized the spell as the same blessing Flute had given to her.

"I expect that I will be summoned to the palace the instant King Wargun arrives," Vanion said. "Annias would love to confront me personally about the murder of Count Radun." He thought for a moment, and then turned to Radun. "Did anyone see you arrive, my Lord?"

"No, my Lord Vanion. When we were only half a day's ride from Cimmura, Sparhawk had me wear a spare set of Pandion armor. I rode in, visor down, with the crest on my shield covered."

"Good. We wouldn't want to spoil the surprise we're setting up for Annias, would we?" Vanion's sarcastic question brought chuckles from everyone in the room. Then Vanion turned to Sephrenia to ask her something, then realized that there was something peculiar about her appearance. "Why, our Little Mother, have you somehow gotten younger?"

"Actually, that is precisely what happened."

Vanion and Dolmant both had to resist the urge to face-fault.

"How... ?" they both began at the same time.

"It was with my help, actually," replied Bethani in a disguised voice.

"Who are you, my son?" the patriarch queried.

"'Son'?" she replied. Then she removed her hood, revealing her face, and stopped using the voice-changing spell. "I am a woman."

Vanion's and Dolmant's jaws both went slack. Then she explained to them who she was and why she was here.

"Interesting," commented Vanion. "Do you think I can learn what you're teaching Sparhawk and the others?"

"I was already planning on doing so."

"So, which Gods do you pray to?" asked Dolmant.

"Well, the God who I primarily pray to happens to be called Lord Zaxineh. And no, he's not any of the Gods the Styrics pray to."

Dolmant looked troubled. He was a little confused, but he was beginning to question his own beliefs.

"The God of the Elenes is a real God, as are the Gods of the Styrics," she explained, suddenly realizing what she may have done to the patriarch. But she put her fears to rest when he smiled warmly at her.

"This confirms something that I found in the archives of the Church," Dolmant began. "I found a really old book, written in our language - one of the first to be written in our language, I believe - that specifically named the God of the Elenes and His relation to the Styric Gods. At first, I thought it was just a heretical book, but now I know that it indeed is a book of true scripture. Good thing I hid the book deeper in the archives rather than destroy it."

"So you know the name of the Elene God?" asked Bethani. She didn't know it, but she did know that He existed.

"Yes. His name is Styre, and according to the scriptures I had found, He happens to be the Father of the Styric Pantheon of Gods."

"Styre? I think I may have heard that name before." She sat down, her left hand supporting her right elbow while her right fist was supporting her chin. Suddenly, her face was a study of revelation. "I know who He is in relation to other Gods!"

Everyone was expectant.

"You see, there are the Four Great Gods: Ryugan, Vex, Honor, and Sephortense. One of Lord Vex's sons, Maratena, is one of the Gods of Chaos and specializes in Chance. One of Honor's daughters, Phoenix, is the Goddess of the Phoenixes. Lord Maratena and Lady Phoenix had three sons: Kamakos, God of Chaos and Choice; Khey-Ozh, the now fallen God of Chaos and Madness; and Behrzerk, God of Chaos and Change. Lord Kamakos has had many children of his own, more than any religious scholar has been able to learn of, as of yet. All of his children are Trickster Gods and/or Prankster Gods, and one of the oldest of his sons is Styre. However, when the Chaos Gods began to war amongst themselves, Styre was one of the first of Lord Kamakos's children to disappear without a trace."

"Interesting," said Dolmant.

"Wait," said Sephrenia. "The Chaos Gods had a war?"

"Yes," Bethani replied. "Khey-Ozh had become evil and power-hungry and rebelled against the other three Chaos Gods."

Dolmant then looked at Bethani. "May I also join in your training?"

"Well, it'll simply take longer for you to learn what I am going to teach the others, simply because of your duties to that Church of yours, but I will certainly teach you the meditation technique that returns you to the vitality of twenty-five years and keeps you there. It will take practice, but I'm sure that all of you will be able to master it."

Sparhawk spoke up. "Is the reason why the Church believes that the Styrics are wrong and vice-versa is that Styre is a Trickster God?"

"Actually, yes. He's not spiteful, but He does like to make things be interesting, like the other Trickster, Prankster, and Chaos Gods do. That's simply the nature of Chaos. Without it, existing would be pointless as nothing would ever change. But Order is also needed, for obvious reasons."

"And a balance between them would be the best?" asked Kalten.

"That is correct. Having a Balance between Order and Chaos in any life and in any society is ideal."

* * *

End Chapter Three.

Hopefully, also the end of any other stupid stuff like this.


	10. Monogurui ch1, Ranma, Freakazoid

Ranma: Monogurui

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: "Ranma 1/2" is the intellectual property of Rumiko Takahashi. "Freakazoid!" is the lovechild of Bruce Timm, Paul Dini, John McCann, and Tom Ruegger, but Steven Spielberg was the one granted custody. I think. Anyway, I don't really own any of this and am not making money off of it. And, to placate Mike Allred, Madman is a comic written by the man upon which "Freakazoid!" drew much of its inspiration. Any other intellectual properties and/or likenesses to actual people (living or dead) referenced or featured happen to be for the purposes of parody and satire, and should be viewed in good humor. This is the internet, after all.

Chapter One: Pinnacle

* * *

Nabiki, home from school earlier than Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, Kuno, Kodachi, Voodoo Spike, etc., was excited because she found a package just inside the Tendo Estate's gate - a package she had spent a lot of money on. That should tell you something about how much she wanted it. Also, she spent almost as much money having it shipped directly from the manufacturer located near Washington, D. C. That should tell you how much she was willing to do to get it.

Nabiki had ordered the Pinnacle Chip, the fastest and best processor aide and graphics card modifier chip that was at least six times better than the next best chip, from Apex Microchips (not to be confused with Apex Digital - seriously, they are totally different companies who only share a name). That way, her computer would be ahead of the game and she would be able to keep up with her video feeds in the dojo and other training areas much better as well as run better video-editing programs.

Also, though she would never admit this to anyone, _Counter Strike_ would run much easier, allowing her to "pwn n00bs" much more quickly. Of course, that was only a minor reason. Well, that's what she kept telling herself.

She raced up to her room and closed the door, clutching the package carefully with one arm. She opened it and was presented with the sight of packing peanuts. She idly wondered what they made the supposedly Styrofoam pellets out of before diving in to grab the vacuum-sealed bag containing the chip as well as the installation manual, spreading what was actually the missing matter of the universe before the Big Bang all over her floor.

She opened her computer case after removing most of her clothing (to reduce the chance of static to the lowest level she could) and followed the instructions to remove the existing standard (if overclocked) chip she had in her motherboard. After fifteen minutes of reading the proper installation procedure (just to be sure she didn't make a mistake), she installed the chip and closed up the case. She got back into her clothing and turned the computer on. The BIOS screen came up, asking for an activation code for her new Pinnacle Chip. Just as she reached for the manual to find the activation code, her father called to her from down the stairs, saying it was important.

Nabiki sighed and left the room.

Seconds later, a muffled "Sweeto!" could be heard from under her bed just before a small gnome-like pervert crawled out from under it. Not only did he get to see Nabiki in nothing but a thong and a bra, but he was able to use one of her video cameras to get the whole thing! Now all he had to do was find someone else with a computer to put it on a DVD for him. He opened the window, and leapt out, off to find someone with computer skills.

Minutes later, Shampoo, in cat form, leapt in through the window. Seeing packing peanuts all over the floor and knowing how uncomfortable they were under her feet in her current form, she leapt upon the computer desk. Ignoring the keyboard by simply walking over it, she leapt from there through the open door, and headed towards the furo in search of hot water.

Twenty minutes later, Ranma appeared in the window sporting a large bruise on his cheek from where Akane had malleted him into the air after their latest argument over whether or not he was a pervert. Since he didn't want to go in through the front door, where Akane would surely be with a pail of water, he opted to go through any other available open door or window. The only one was Nabiki's, unfortunately. He quietly slipped in, avoiding the missing matter scattered across the floor by tiptoeing through it.

He stopped when he saw the screen of Nabiki's computer, however. He didn't know much about computers, but he did know that the random junk on her screen made no sense, not even for an activation code. He looked and found the "delete" key, and sighed with relief - he could get rid of it and she wouldn't blame him for messing with it.

He pressed the key... and that's when all Hell broke loose.

The exact instant he pressed the key, three things happened. One; Nabiki entered her room again to see Ranma press the key. Two; Mousse, in duck form, flew in through the open window. And three; in a surge of electricity, Ranma was turned into pure energy and sucked through the screen into Nabiki's computer. Electricity arced along the LAN cable into the router, and from there into the Tendos' internet line.

The duck stood quackless upon Nabiki's bed until she shooed him out of the room through the window and closed it. She then checked her computer and found that it was functioning normally, and still asking for the activation code. She experimentally hit the delete key. Nothing happened. Shrugging, she grabbed the manual and entered the activation code and quickly opened her internet browser to see if anything weird had happened to any other person who bought the Pinnacle Chip.

* * *

At first, all Ranma felt was pain. Then, it concentrated on his head, as if he was learning a lot of things really fast. And he was. He was having the entirety of the internet downloaded into his brain. What felt like an eternity later, he was spat out of one of the computers in the Furinkan High School's computer lab, where the Science Fiction Club had been having a meeting. The nerd who had been operating the computer, instinctively dove out of the way (he did live in Nerima, after all). They all looked to see Ranma on the floor, out cold.

Since one of the requirements to be in the Science Fiction Club was to **_not_** be part of the Hentai Horde, the various nerds were actually concerned about the boy and dragged him to the couch they had in the room, where they would figure out how to wake him. One of the nerds suggested splashing him with cold water, but another one simply smacked him upside the head. One of the few female nerds in the room (who may not have been a looker but she wasn't ugly or fat either) brought over a chocolate bar to see if the smell of chocolate would awaken him. It did.

Using reflexes to stop his own reflex of grabbing the arm that held the candy and attempting to eat it right away, the teenager snapped up. Ranma sheepishly scratched the back of his head as the female nerd handed him the chocolate bar.

As he ate the chocolate, he wished he was in female form to better taste the chocolate but was happy to be a guy and not have to deal with the leers that he assumed most of the nerdy males in the room would give him. Also, one of them started talking and he paid them attention.

"Hey, Ranma," began the nerd who had been operating the computer which Ranma fell out of. "What were you doing inside the computer?"

Ranma swallowed. "I was inside a computer?"

"Yeah, what happened?"

"I'm not sure. One minute I'm at the Tendo Dojo, and the next minute I smell chocolate. I'm not sure what happened."

There were murmurs of astonishment, as well as a couple of mentions of that one American movie called "The Matrix" and of dj vu. Ranma stood up, silencing the mutterings.

"Sorry 'bout that. See you all later."

With that, he left.

* * *

Ranma didn't know why, but his head hurt.

Pain. Ow. Synapses firing... registering as injury... sudden knowledge...  
EXCLAIMATION!

_What happened?_

Ranma ran a full-systems-check of his brain.

_Wait... Full-systems-check? When did I with the intelligence make and do?_

Upon realizing this, Ranma stopped on a random roof to sort himself out.

^Brain functioning at two-hundred and seven point three-three repeating percent in all areas except sanity and impulse control. Said levels have been reduced by twenty percent from their original levels.^

_I don't know what I should be more worried about - the fact that I have a computer voice in my head or the fact that I just understood everything it said?_

^Typically, hearing voices in one's head is referred to as schizophrenia, in which voices seem to come from nowhere or from inanimate objects. Subjects suffering this sort of mental disorder have major difficulty determining imagination from reality, and their conditions invariably worsen, regardless of treatments. Unfortunately, no plausible cure has been found.^

_Huh? Well, that one was different from the first._

^Schizophrenia is not to be confused with multiple-personality disorder, in which the subject has several different personalities within their psyche. These personalities may or may not be aware of one another. Studies have sho-^

Mental mute buttons were damned useful.

_Well, I wonder what happened to me..._

_Probably the sick and twisted humor of some wannabe-author being imposed upon you for their own entertainment._

_THE F***!!!_

_Hehehe__... All the knowledge and information of the internet and you've instantly degenerated back to using four-letter, monosyllabic expletives._

_Okaaaaay__... Lemme try this again. Who are you?_

_I am._

_Huh? Yaweh!?_

_Er__... no. I am you, you are me, we are us, and all of that silly crap._

_Darn. Was hoping that you were the Lord of the Old Testament, because then I might be able to get some results on my hunt to fix any of the stupid curses I have aquired._

_Sorry to disappoint._

_'Salright.__ So... what do I call you?_

_Well... That depends._

_On?_

_Well, you'll have to ask yourself, "Do I feel sane?" Well, do ya, punk?_

* * *

...

* * *

End Chapter One Fragment.

Authors Notes

Monogurui roughly translates as "insane person"... I figure that it would be a good hero name for Ranma as "Freakazoid" was already taken by Dexter Douglas.

Obviously, this Ranma timeline is set more into the early 2000's, just after the _Counter Strike_ mod was released as its own game by Valve.

This will eventually make its way into full-story status, but I had to place it in the Brain Dump for now. I needed this plotbunny out of my head, but... well, gotta cage it for now.

Oi! I just realized how much like a crackfic this one is... Just like "Mushroom". Should be fun.

Anyone else notice how I like to have characters with multiple-personality disorder or are in some way/shape/form otherwise insane? Yeah, I have no idea what is up with that. Other than... it is funny. FUNNY!

So yeah... beginning of a chapter. I may or may not get around to finishing this... but... Brain Dump.

No need for this to be beta'd.  
Beta Muyo!!!

Still no internet at home, so expect updates to be sparse this year.


	11. Chapter FAIL: The Laughing Fox ch12 v1

So this is the original twelfth chapter for "The Laughing Fox". Moved to the Brain Dump because that's how I roll.

For those of you who don't know... this version of the chapter sucks! Sticking with the newer version because it makes more sense.

* * *

")Good morning, Sunshine!(" said a familiar female voice. Obviously, she was entirely too cheerful.

Batman opened his eyes to find that he was tied to a chair, wearing nothing but his boxers, cape, and mask. When he looked up, he saw Harley Quinn.

")Me oh my!(" Harley said, continuing. ")We ought to make a bat stir-fry! But seriously, Joker's in charge of your interrogation. That doesn't mean that I don't get to talk to you like an irrational being. Or was that rational being? I can never remember which.("

Batman made no response. He looked around the room without moving his head. One door, two chairs (one of which was occupied by himself, the other by Harley), a metal table, a single light bulb overhead, an off television set hanging in a corner, and at least two security cameras, one in each of the visible corners. Batman guessed (correctly) that there were two more cameras in the corners behind him.

Harley continued speaking again. ")Why do you always have to try and break up our happy little family, huh? Twelve, almost thirteen, years ago, my honey and I stole a portal from that crazy computer that Supe's people let loose. When we activated it, it spat out a little blonde child. We decided to adopt him.("

Batman's mind raced. _They adopted a child? What? Where did they keep him? Why did they adopt him? Why hadn't he died early on?_

")And then, when he was a little older than six, we decided to leave, but not without letting you track down the portal room. I suppose you know better than we do what happened after that in your world. But here, we were hired as ninja, and we've been happy ever since. And you tried to take that away... You tried to destroy our family! YOU'RE THE MONSTER HERE! Mad enough to track us down across dimensions... I should have fed you to those piranhas when I had the chance!!("

Crying, she gave Batman a standing boot to the head, knocking him over. She then stormed out of the room, slamming the door.

Batman blinked, and then the door opened again. Joker walked in, closing the door behind him. The clown had a clipboard and a wistful look upon his face while looking at where Harley had left the room. The man sighed before turning his attention to Batman, righting the masked man's chair once he noticed it was on the floor.

Rather than breaking out into a full grin or laughing maniacally like Bruce had predicted, Joker simply smirked.

")You know Bats, I have you at my _mercy_. I've wanted to have you in this position for a _long_ time so that I could finally kill you. But _no_. Instead, we're just going to _torture_ you before sending you home. And no, we _don't_ want information. We just want to send a _message_.("

Finally, Batman spoke.

")You're an imposter.("

It was then that Joker threw his head back and laughed.

* * *

Ibiki monitored Joker and Batman on the security feeds. He turned his head to another screen to watch as Anko interrogated the dark-skinned man with the energy ring. Joker had been adamant about removing the ring but also not letting anyone else wear it.

R&D had scanned it and found it to be high in various energies, none of which were chakra, so it was quite possible that the thing was booby-trapped in case someone other than the ring's owner put it on.

Anko slapped the man awake.

* * *

John felt a sharp pain on the right side of his face where he had no doubt been slapped.

"Wake up!" Anko said sharply.

")What?("

"Nani?"

"Anko-san," said Ibiki's voice over the intercom. ")Mr. J( said that they don't speak the same language as us."

"Oh. Yeah. I forgot."

")Who was that? What did he say about the Joker?("

"Looks like I'll have to go with the universal language then."

")What?("

Anko then pulled out a scalpel from the briefcase sitting on the metal table.

"I'd tell you how much this is going to hurt, but you wouldn't understand a word I'd say."

")What are you doing?("

The snake mistress walked up to John in a sultry manner, and began to inscribe kanji and kana on his right arm using the scalpel.

John screamed in agony as Anko wrote the phrase "For a good time call Anko in Konoha at..."

* * *

Ibiki shook his head. He then checked on Joker and Batman. So far, all that )Mr. J( had done was talk and laugh. The man in the cape hadn't said much. Ibiki turned to another monitor where the green man was being held in stasis via a network of seals. The man was finally conscious and being interrogated by an ANBU who was an expert Katon user. Joker had said that fire and lightning jutsu would be the only attacks able to affect the man.

His interrogation was going well. The green man was already begging for an end to the pain from the electrical wiring he was hooked up to. Odd that he was able to speak their language.

Ibiki directed his attention to another monitor where Harley was interrogating the final prisoner.

* * *

")Wakey wakey! Eggs n' bac-y!("

Dick groaned. His head and back still hurt. He opened his eyes to see an extremely familiar face smiling at him. He was suddenly very alert, and sat up, ramrod straight, in his chair. His eyes were almost panicked, and his muscles creaked under the tension he put them through.

")Harley!("

")Thaaaat's me!(" said the insane woman in a cheery tone. ")How nice of you to join us among the living - though you'll probably wish we had killed you once we're through.("

")You're... not going to kill me? What about the others?("

")Nope. They'll live. But their ability to come back and hurt us will be compromised.("

")What!?("

* * *

")You heard me _right_, Batsy! It's not about _revennnnge_...("

Bruce was suddenly very worried about what was going to happen to him and his teammates. Joker NOT trying to kill him was totally out of character - or at least he thought so.

")... it's about sending a _message_: mess with Konoha, you'll get _burned_. Badly,(" said the clown. After a moment, he continued. ")_And_ maybe stabbed in the spine.("

* * *

")Message?(" asked Dick.

")Yes. Batsy will have a message of his own to carry, but you'll carry a different one. Before dismantling the portal, the Justice League must allow whatever Gotham criminals a one-way ticket to Konoha that want to, as well as send the two ninja that we're sending out back to our fine Hidden Village.("

")... what?("

")Well, sure! I mean, why did most of them turn to crime anyway?(" asked the female clown as she began to sharpen a kunai.

")They're insane,(" responded Nightwing, clothed in only his mask and boxers.

")No, silly! They were rejected by society at large. Sure, some of them would turn to crime regardless, but for the most part, most of them were wronged or shunned by the people around them, or other criminals took advantage of them. Take Killer Croc, for example: I seriously doubt that he'd have turned to crime if he wasn't rejected based solely on appearance.("

")I think you've overly romanticized your fellow villains.("

")Perhaps. But if they get uppity after coming here, we can always just kill them and use their bodies for research.("

")You're-("

")Twisted? We're _ninja_. Our honor is only to our Hidden Village; in this case it's Konoha. If anything threatens Konoha, we eliminate it as quickly and efficiently as possible.("

")And you haven't killed us because... ?("

")Killing any of you would bring the Justice League into this world. We want to be left alone. That is the message Batsy will carry.("

Before Nightwing could respond, the television monitor in one of the upper corners of the room suddenly turned on. On the screen was Batman's cell (via the security feeds). Joker was in there as well.

")Hey, Honey!(" called out Joker. ")I thought you'd like to see who's under Mask Number One!"

")Certainly! And I'll show you who's under Mask Number Two!"

Dick began to sweat as Joker grabbed one of the ears on Batman's mask. With a quick flick of the wrist, the cape and cowl were removed and tossed upon the table.

Joker stared for a moment. Harley looked shocked. But then the clown duo simply laughed.

")Hahaha... Batman _is_ *snicker* Bruce Wayne! *snort* Whatsa _matter_, Batsy? Did you have a _really_ bad day the night _momma_ and _poppa_ died? AAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!("

Bruce's face went beet red, and his visage twisted into a mask of rage. He struggled against his restraints and violently thrashed about in his chair, toppling it over. Still laughing, Joker hopped over him and righted the chair. Bruce tried to keep struggling, but Joker was holding his forearms steady with an unshakable grip.

")I'm so sorry, _Richie_ _Rich_, I just have a hard time believing that the _billionaire_ playboy is the BAT!("

Bruce began to calm down. Seeing this, Joker whispered into his ear.

")But what's _more_... I wonder who that black _bird_ is?(" The clown stood up and began talking at a normal, if slightly hysterical, sound level. ")Harley, if you _please_?("

")Certainly, Mr. J!("

Harley ripped off the small, skinny little mask that Nightwing was wearing.

")Oh, _another_ little tragic hero! If it isn't the _little_ acrobat boy who lost his _family_!("

Joker laughed while Harley giggled. Batman seemed to slump forward in his seat a bit. Although Dick was frustrated, he realized that losing his temper wouldn't do him any good. Also, he saw that Bruce was beginning to crack. Suddenly, the television shut off.

")Well, now to get on with the torture! I wonder what I should etch into your forehead? How 'bout a smiley face!?("

Dick swallowed loudly.

* * *

She slowly opened her eyes. She still hurt, but she knew that the internal bleeding had stopped.

"Shhh," whispered a familiar voice. "Don't worry about a thing! I got someone to help you out, but you won't be able to use your chakra for awhile. You should be able to do so once the Finals start."

"N-Naruto?"

"Yes, Hinata-chan. It's me. I'm sorry that Neji was more powerful than we anticipated, but you'll still be able to prove them all wrong soon!"

"B-but I failed..."

"Nonsense! You simply had a bad day! Rest now, and bide your time."

Naruto walked away a bit, and Hinata closed her eyes. Before Naruto left the room however, he did have one final thing to say.

"You know, my dad said that it only took one bad day to make him so powerful... I hope you can become more powerful too!"

As Hinata drifted back to slumber, she dwelled on the idea of embracing chaos and laughter. Of smiles and screams. Of her one bad day...

* * *

"Why would you ask me to help you with torture?"

"Well, the _usual_ methods don't seem to be _cracking_ a couple of them," lied Joker. "I thought maybe _you_ could help us out with some _experimental_ torture."

"Breaking bones is experimental?"

"Er... no. We've _already_ tried that. No, we want your _unique_... speeches. Talk about what you _usually_ talk about when you try to _get_ the troops _moving_. We want to go for... uh... _intimidation_."

"Yosh! I'll do it! I'll strike fear into their most unyouthful hearts by telling them about the Flames of Youth and the glories of Konoha!!"

"_Perfect_!" said the clown with a wide grin.

* * *

"So, you understand what your mission will be, correct?" the Hokage asked two of his ANBU who he knew weren't loyal to the ROOT.

"Hai. That is why we allowed ourselves to be subjected to a genjutsu designed as a rapid language course for this... Eego... )English( language."

"Good. You remember who to look for?"

"Hai," replied the other. "A woman called )Poison Ivy(, a short man with a monocle named )Penguin(, a disfigured man named )Two-Face(, a large grey man called )Killer Croc(, a shapeshifter named )Clayface(, a scientist called )Scarecrow(, a genius in a green suit called )Riddler(, a female thief named )Catwoman(, and a very short man wearing a top hat called )the Mad Hatter(. We are to avoid the large man called )Bane(, the ice-user )Mr. Freeze(, and any other freaks as well as the authorities."

"Very good. Be ready, for you will leave as soon as Uzumaki Joker says go. Dismissed."

* * *

It took nearly two days before Batman was almost ready to crack. Joker could have caused him to crack much sooner, but would give him a couple hours of rest every once in a while, just to make it worse for the rich boy. The medic-nins had to keep on bringing the prisoners back from the brink of death, but they made sure that the wounds would scar when they healed them (it was more difficult for the Martian, but they managed to keep him... relatively healthy).

")Today's the _big_ day, Bats. You _finally_ get to go home, but not before I give you a _choice_. When I send you _back_, you will have to _choose_ which of your personalities will _die_. Whether the rich ladies' man _known_ as Bruce Wayne suddenly _disappears_ without a trace or the _dark_ and _mysterious_ knight known as Batman will _cease_ to hunt down criminals. This will be a _difficult_ choice for you. If you _chose_ to kill Bruce Wayne, Batman will become _suspect_, especially since he will be cut _off_ from his money. If Bruce Wayne _lives_ on as a broken victim of the Joker, Batman will have to _vanish_.("

Bruce's voice was raspy, especially because he screamed himself hoarse, but it still carried a hint of defiance.

")What... makes you think... *cough* I'll choose either?("

")This!(" said the Joker, as he pulled a kunai out of his kunai pouch. ")I _want_ to see you _smile_; always have! But you never _do_... So, I'll just have to put a _smile_ on your face!("

With one hand, the clown grabbed the bat's head and held it in place. The other hand slowly and carefully placed the kunai inside Bruce's mouth.

")LET'S PUT A _SMILE_ ON THAT _FACE_!!!("

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

* * *

")Yeah, so you'll have to let them know that we have the Kryptonite that Batman normally carries in his belt here in Konoha.("

One of the... what was it called? ANBU? Yeah, one of the ANBU was talking to him. He felt terrible, especially when they brought that blonde child they had seen earlier to help with the torture sessions. These were terrible people, but they were powerful.

John could understand why they reacted so violently, but he hoped he could make the others see that. They were simply defending their fellow ninja and wished to send a message to the rest of the Justice League! John was going to destroy the portal as soon as possible - but not before the two ANBU returned to Konoha with whatever criminals they had recruited from Gotham.

They had returned his costume to him, and, after he was dressed, bound his arms again. Then, they took a small yellow bag, put his power ring into it, and used a safety pin to attach it to his suit.

J'onn... J'onn looked horrible. They said that the symbols had been tattooed onto him, permanently stripping him of most of his powers. Bruce... he had that horrible smile carved on his mouth. Dick had a smiley face on his forehead, as well as a phrase in English on his back that said: "Eat Ichiraku Ramen: Feel Great!" Still, he seemed to have been the only one not really broken by the torture.

What that crazy snake lady did to him though... still made him shudder. She had brought in that fluorescent ink and tattooed his... organ to look like a snake!

And then two of the ANBU, including the one who was talking to him, were going to return with them to the Watchtower.

The only truly unsettling thing was that he could hear Harley in another room, singing the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy". That song seemed to really stress out Bruce. The man's almost vacant eyes were actually swelling with tears!

* * *

Within a few days, a portal opened at the appropriate coordinates at Training Ground 80. Joker, Harley, Naruto, Jiraiya, the Hokage, Nara Shikaku, Yamanaka Inoichi, and Morino Ibiki were waiting there.

An ANBU exited the portal. He was followed by a tall, skinny man in a green suit with a question mark on the back. Another man stepped out wearing a burlap mask and a straw hat and dragging a large trunk. Following him was a large grey man carrying two more trunks. Following him was a large, flesh-colored monster that looked like it was ready to melt. Finally, following him was the other ANBU. After everyone stepped out of the portal, the large grey man set the trunks down next to the trunk the man with the burlap mask was dragging and the portal closed, never to open again.

"ANBU, report!" commanded the Hokage.

"Mission successful, Hokage-sama. Four recruits from )Gotham(. All of them either already knew our language or allowed us to put them under the genjutsu to learn our language."

"You are the Hokage?" asked the man in the green suit. "Greetings. I am known as the )Riddler(, but I suppose you could call me Gimonfu." (Question Mark)

"Very well. If you pass Morino-san's psyche evaluation, we will begin your training, Gimonfu." The Hokage then turned to the man with the burlap mask. "You would be )Scarecrow(, would you not?"

"Yes. I was just talking with your... ANBU and they said that there was already someone named 'Kakashi'. If I may, I'd like the name Osore." (Fear)

"Certainly. A bit pretentious, but it could work. Like Gimonfu, you will all have to pass the psyche evaluation." The Hokage turned to the next one in line.

"Hokage-sama. Lemme introduce meself. I was known as ')Killer Croc(', but here I'd like ta just be called Croc."

"Of course. Also, you look fairly intimidating, which is a plus in our village."

"Thanks, Hokage-sama."

"You must be that shapeshifter," said the Hokage, turning to the final being. ")Clayface(, wasn't it?"

"That it was, Hokage-sama. I simply wish to be known as Domen from now on, though." (Clay Face)

"Makes sense. ANBU... Only four?"

")Poison Ivy( attacked us on first sight for stepping on her lawn. )Penguin( refused to leave his information and business network. )Two-Face( would have rather gotten revenge against one of the local crime lords. )Catwoman( turned us down politely. She did not give a reason. )The Mad Hatter( refused to come along for the reason that the technology he developed would not exactly survive a ninja's lifestyle. We avoided the detection of all others."

"That so sounds like something )Ivy( would do," stated Harley. "Oh well. Too bad she didn't want to hang 'round here."

* * *

Later, in the Hokage's office...

"How did the negotiations with the )Justice League( go?"

"Well, the one in the red cape was furious, but he eventually agreed after some urging from the dark-skinned man in the green suit as well as a number of other strangely dressed people."

"Including one wearing a red bodice and blue panties..."

"I would have paid to see that," said the perverted old Hokage.

All three of them chuckled for a bit.

"Well, most of them realized how powerful our world was if virtually everyone here had 'super' powers. Simple numbers and all. Also, we promised them that we'd invade their world if they did not let us recruit some of Gotham's criminals and then return to Konoha."

"Did they believe your bluff?"

"Not until after we told them that we knew how to break dimensional boundaries..."

"... and then proved it to them by summoning a nin-cat."

"Apparently, that scared them out of their wits. This guy with a golden mask actually started panicking."

"So they let you do whatever you wanted?"

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

"Good. Go back to spying on ROOT members. Dismissed."

"Hai, Hokage-sama!" they both chimed at the same time. A poof of smoke later and the Hokage was alone... except for a few hidden ANBU in the corners.

He did like the Neko Brothers. They were extremely diplomatic and could easily read one another and know what the other was thinking. They made excellent ANBU. Considering that they were identical twins from a non-clan family who happened to come upon a minor summon scroll - the Housecat Contract, to be exact - helped catapult them into their careers as ANBU. They had tested into the ANBU program from Genin rank - a remarkable accomplishment.

* * *

Croc, unsurprisingly, had a strong water affinity in his latent chakra. He also had immense reserves. Rather than use a sword or ax, he opted for a halberd. He and Naruto trained in their chakra control together, as they had about the same amount of control. Croc also trained with a still-despondent Might Guy in taijutsu, which seemed to help the Jounin out of his funk more than his vigorous (and humorous) outburst during Batman's interrogation did.

Gimonfu was a genjutsu and seal specialist. His love of puzzles helped him in both areas. Also, it was nearly impossible to tell when he had placed the genjutsu on his victim because of how subtle he was. For the most part, he didn't cause people to see their fears or whatever. Rather, he had a more practical use for them - causing his targets to perceive things slightly differently and messing with their depth perception or their hearing. Gimonfu and Kurenai trained together, especially in layering genjutsu using multiple senses.

Osore was more of a poison expert, though he also dabbled in genjutsu and poisonous ninjutsu. He and Anko had a cordial respect for one-another, but they both openly stated that they hated the other. Osore also worked with Ibiki and Joker when it came time to interrogate prisoners. Also, the only thing really keeping Osore from slaughtering the entire city was Joker. Joker was immune to his fear toxins. Joker was also unpredictable for the scientist in the burlap mask. Additionally, Joker was just plain scary when he was angry. Yes, Osore would not betray Konoha so long as Joker lived. Come to think of it, Naruto scared him too. If the Laughing Fox was still loyal to Konoha, then so would Osore be.

Domen worked on infiltration and various water-repelling exercises. His methods of information gathering were becoming extremely subtle. His first mission? Help the Hokage track down all security leaks and spy on all ANBU ROOT members.

Domen already found a huge security risk after only two hours: paperwork. There was entirely too much of it. A great deal of it was legal filler. If the Hokage was bogged down in the bureaucracy of the pen and paper, he'd be unable to react to a time-critical crisis or be too bored to properly process intelligence.

* * *

"Domen... I see your point, but how did you figure this out?"

"I used to be an actor. Though I had an agent, I insisted on reading all the legal mumbo-jumbo myself, and I found a couple loopholes that my agent intentionally overlooked. He was fired within the hour. Still, they can hide a lot of things within their complicated wordings. Also, I've seen criminals back home get away with the most heinous of crimes simply because of the long paperwork that the victims' families had to file before the man could be tried. By that time... the police couldn't find him again."

"... Thank you, Domen!"

"Just doing my job. Add it to my pay."

* * *

After about a week of training, Jiraiya had a gift for Croc. One of his toad summons had found an ancient summoning contract scroll - one almost as old as the Uzumaki's Hyena/Jackal Contract. He had gone to fetch it and had brought it back in a day. It was a contract... with crocodilians.

Naruto was also making excellent progress on the Rasengan, and had vowed he'd have it finished by the end of the month - when the Chuunin Exam Finals began.

* * *

And that's the end of the original sucky chapter twelve.


	12. Tsukomogami ch1, Naruto

Living Puppet

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto is the purveyor of "Naruto".

Preliminary AN: See the next chapter's AN for the reason why this has been abandoned.

Chapter One: Geppetto

* * *

The Hokage had a migraine. The seven-year-old blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy he was supposed to be protecting had disappeared shortly after the Uchiha massacre.

First, Itachi killed everyone in his clan and disappeared, leaving his younger brother, Sasuke, alive. Then a delegation from Suna arrived to warn him that a puppet master named Sasori of the Red Sand had turned nukenin (rogue ninja) and was at large. Next, Uzumaki Naruto disappeared. That had been the most stressful week of Sarutobi's life. Finally a week later, another delegation from Suna arrived to inquire as to why their first delegation never returned.

And then there were the celebrations in the streets by the civilian citizens of Konoha. Filthy idiots. Did they not see that by hating the demon container that they might be giving the boy a reason to kill them all? It was a moot point now, as the Sandaime correctly guessed that Naruto had been kidnapped by Sasori.

He sent several ANBU teams to scout and try and find Naruto. They all came back empty-handed after a month of no word.

* * *

Sasori was fairly happy. He never had a Jinchuuriki among his burgeoning puppet collection. He figured he might as well convert the small boy's corpse into a hitokugutsu (human puppet) along with the four-person delegation from Suna. Amazingly, he had found the five of them together. Apparently, the delegation from Suna had been assigned to capture the Jinchuuriki for use in Suna, but then Sasori caught them along their way. He also managed to recognize a corpse that they were carrying with them as an Uchiha corpse. Evidently, they had thought it a good idea to get their hands on the Sharingan, the kekkei genkai (bloodline limit) of the Uchiha Clan. Sasori also thought it to be a good idea.

One of the things that angered Sasori was the fact that one of the Sunanins decided to try and get away. The girl was decidedly fast, and it took several hours to catch up. By that time, she had managed to decapitate the boy to ensure that no one else would be able to use him. That pissed Sasori off, but he would use the boy's corpse for a human puppet.

Six wonderful new puppets. Two of which could be gloriously powerful. Sasori went into the process of turning them all into puppets, humming a tune about art and life everlasting.

First order of business was to remove the section of skin on the boy's body that contained the seal. It was incredibly complex and he didn't want it damaged. He would study it further after he re-attached it to the boy's body. Well, maybe.

Next order of business was to remove all the useless organs, such as the lungs, kidneys, livers, spleens, intestines, stomachs, and other such things. The hearts, on the other hand, needed to be preserved.

Next was the removal of the brains. Unfortunately, it took Sasori several tries to figure out which skullcap belonged to which body. Though there was only one doujutsu (eye-based bloodline) amongst his new haul, he decided to preserve ALL of the eyeballs. Luckily he had placed the hearts into clearly-labeled bins, so he put the eyeballs into their corresponding bins as well. He also had the foresight to put each brain into a correspondingly labeled jar.

Then he removed the skins, very carefully. He set those aside to be preserved as well.

Almost all of the muscles were removed. Some of the bones were as well, but most of the skeletal structure remained as did everything else needed to allow the bodies to continue to use chakra. The nerves and blood vessels had to go.

All things that he needed preserved were. Everything else was thrown out.

* * *

After a few days of allowing the specimens to cure in the chemicals, Sasori went back to work.

The boy would receive his skin back as well as the seal. The woman who had the red hair would not and her eyes would be used for another puppet. The woman with blonde hair would get to keep her skin and eyes. One of the males would keep just his eyes and the other his skin. The Uchiha, a male, would keep both his eyes and his skin. Also, the blonde boy would have his eyes.

But that was for later. He had devices to install and seals to inscribe on the bare bones of his subjects. Decisions, decisions. Senbon repeater or kunai launcher? Assassin's needles or acid sprayers? Flamethrowers or chainsaws? Hidden blades or anthropomorphic features?

* * *

Having not yet finished his puppets by the time he arrived at the Akatsuki base, he decided to set up a workshop. One other new member had also joined. His name was Itachi.

"I see," commented Sasori. "Another newbie. What's your specialty?"

"Sharingan," replied the Uchiha, activating his bloodline. "I also have the Mangekyou Sharingan."

"Interesting. How are you with internal organs?"

"I had just passed the ANBU test before I became nukenin."

"Ah. Good. I am a puppeteer, and I make puppets out of corpses. One of which I believe you killed yourself, did you not?"

"An Uchiha?"

"Yeah. With the Sharingan active at the time."

"There were seven of those who had time to activate their eyes before I killed them."

"I thought so. Come. I still have much work to do. We should continue work quickly..." Sasori paused. "I'm not preventing you from doing something else?"

"No."

"Is there something else you'd rather be doing?"

"No."

"Are you even the least bit offended that I'm turning a family member of yours into a puppet?"

"Not really. I could care less."

"Ah. So, are you coming?"

"... I don't see why not."

"Oh, one more thing: how are you at seals?"

"Not too good, I'm afraid."

"Oh. No problem. Just a useful skill is all."

* * *

"You didn't tell me you had _him_ for a puppet."

"Who? The Jinchuuriki?"

"Is that what he was? I knew the village hated him, but no one really told me why. I guess that's why the Kyuubi disappeared the day he was born. It had simply never occurred to me."

Itachi proved to be a very clever craftsman with loads of natural talent in the area. He also had some design schemes that Sasori would have never thought of on his own. After several weeks' worth of work, all six puppets were finally ready. The puppeteer sealed the five adult puppets into a sealing scroll for later use.

He decided he wanted to parade his art around to the other members. Which proved to be a bad idea as the Leader was pissed...

* * *

"SASORI! We needed him for our plans! It will take another twenty years before the Kyuubi can crawl his way back out of Hell!" The Leader had half a mind to send Sasori into Hell to drag the demon out of it, and then laugh as he failed and was obliterated.

"Sorry, my Lord. I did not know. Your intentions hadn't been explained to me by the time I had joined, otherwise I would have put forth my entire collection to ensure the boy was still alive."

The Leader massaged his forehead as he calmed down. "No matter. We may be able to track down that demon after he escapes by using that seal on the puppet's stomach."

"Pain-sama, does that mean you're not going to kill him?" hissed another member.

"No, Orochimaru. Sasori is still useful to me." Pain was not really happy, but the tools of his plans still needed to be useful. Sasori was not useful if he wasn't alive.

"Thank you, my Lord."

"Enough of that. Go show your toy to everyone else. Or whatever. I don't care."

Sasori did just that and Itachi went along (he felt the need to show off as well).

Kisame found it amusing. Hidan was nonplussed. Kakuzu didn't care. Konan thought it was cute. Zetsu thought it was a waste of good food (both his halves agreed on this).

Orochimaru thought that it might be fun to pick on the new guy.

* * *

"Scrawny little toy... Do you have to turn a key in his back to make him move?"

Sasori frowned while Orochimaru laughed. Suddenly, the snake's laughter was silenced.

Orochimaru was on the other side of the room, imbedded into the wall. His eyes were spirals as his equilibrium had been seriously messed-up.

Sasori had a surprised look on his face. Itachi had raised an eyebrow.

"Sasori?" asked Itachi. "Why did you do that?"

"I didn't."

The two newbies looked at each other. They then took a look at the puppet.

Its arms were folded and it had a smirk on its supposedly lifeless face. It then smiled, revealing his razor-sharp teeth (taken from a leopard).

"Are you self-aware?" asked Sasori.

"Whut's dat mean?" responded the puppet.

"It means you can think and act on your own," replied Itachi.

"Yeah. I s'pose so."

"What did you do to Orochimaru?" asked Itachi.

"Snake-breff? I punshed him in da face."

"How long have you been self-aware?" asked Sasori.

"Um... startin' bout 'n hour after da woman killed meh. I couldn't move 'til a few minits ago."

"Er... I'm sorry?" replied Sasori, almost sounding nervous.

"Naw. No probs. I realleh didn't like Konoha anyway. 'Sides, whut's a Jinchuuriki?"

"A demon's container," responded Itachi.

"So dem villagers tawt I was da fox, eh? Well, I don't think 'e's there anymo'."

"I kind of wish you wouldn't talk in such a funny manner..." muttered Sasori.

"Funneh?"

Naruto tested his jaw. He then grabbed it with both hands and popped it into place.

"How does this sound?"

"Much better."

"Good. Good. I think we should tell that Pain guy that I am able to move on my own now."

Naruto walked over to Orochimaru and picked up his limp form. Suddenly, the snake ninja began squirming.

"I'm awake! I can move on my own! How dare you punch me so hard!" he yelled at Sasori.

"Punch you? That was a love tap!" responded the blonde puppet. Orochimaru was silent. Then he began squirming in earnest.

"Put me down you freak!" screamed Orochimaru.

WHACK! CRACK!

Orochimaru was out cold, and had a broken jaw.

"He was getting annoying."

Sasori and Itachi agreed.

* * *

"Interesting," commented Pain. "Seems you are a tsukumogami as well as a hitokugutsu. Very interesting. And you don't feel any hatred towards Sasori at all?"

"Naw. He's something like a father to me. Something I never had before. And he brought me back to life as well as improving me in the only way he knew how."

"Ah. They must have been horrible to you in Konoha then."

"You have no idea."

Naruto thought about how all the villagers despised him. How they threw rotting food at him and encouraged their kids to do the same. How they ignored him unless he pulled a prank. How he was basically unloved and unwanted. Oh yes, he hated Konoha. In fact, before he was captured by the delegation from Suna, he would have rather died than stay there. The kami had a bad sense of humor because they fulfilled his wish... not that he wasn't grateful.

"Well, it seems we have yet another new member in Akatsuki..." He stood up, applausing the new addition. Pain was already beginning to alter his plans when the blonde puppet surprised him.

"Hold up. If you think I'm going to be your tool, I'm afraid you're sadly mistaken."

"Wait, what?" Pain was astonished. He hardly ever didn't get what he wanted. Also, Orochimaru (who had recovered) was insulted by the stupid puppet-boy's insubordination.

"To put it simply: I will obey Sasori-san's orders, but not yours. You can order Sasori-san to give me orders, but I will not obey your orders directly. I am a member of Akatsuki as long as Sasori-san is still alive, but once he's dead, you have no power over me."

Pain was taken aback by how wordy Naruto's response was. But then again, he had heard that tsukumogami were very good bargainers and tended to be long-winded. Perhaps his vocabulary had improved simply because he had died and come back... Pain did not know.

"Shall I kill him, Pain-sama?" asked Orochimaru, a bit too eagerly.

"I'm not sure you can, Orochimaru," responded Pain. The Leader then sighed. "Alright, puppet. I agree to your terms. You will get the cloak, but you will not get the ring."

"Fair enough," responded Naruto, grinning devilishly.

* * *

"So you joined?" asked Itachi.

"Yeah, but I will obey orders that Sasori-san will give me. Requests by some of the other members I might do, but Sasori-san's orders will be the only ones I will follow."

"And he just accepted your terms?" inquired Sasori.

"After some hesitation, yes."

"Well, now to puzzle out why you became a tsukumogami. You haven't been used for a century yet, so I don't see how you could have become one."

"What _is_ a tsukumogami?"

Sasori sighed. He had forgotten that the boy had been barely seven years old before he was converted into a hitokugutsu.

"It is an artifact spirit. Usually, any tool or weapon that has been in use for a century will gain the ability to speak, think, and move on its own."

"I've been reading up on my demonology..." chimed in Itachi while holding an ancient-looking scroll. The other two looked at him. "Seems that having been a Jinchuuriki, your body has gained a regenerative property. Though all your organs had been removed, you had gained the ability to come back from the dead. You should still have massive chakra reserves. And due to the nature of your seal... it seems that you can still draw on the chakra of the Kyuubi, even though he has been separated from you."

"That's good to know," said Sasori and Naruto at the same time.

"We probably should make sure that you are capable of doing various ninja things, such as silent killing and the like."

"I agree. As my masterpiece, you should be capable of keeping yourself undamaged or at least able to minimize the damage to yourself. I will also teach you puppetry, so that my works of art can be passed onto you should I ever die."

"Sounds good. Think that some of the other members might help me out?"

"Probably just Kisame and Konan..." mused the Uchiha. "Hidan, Kakuzu, and Zetsu wouldn't help out. Orochimaru... I get a bad vibe from him. I doubt he can be trusted."

"Alright. Well, let's get to the training! You two aren't getting any younger, you know?"

* * *

The three of them went into training, teaching Naruto how to use his body and its various weapons as well as the Academy Three jutsu. Naruto had massive trouble with the bunshin (clone), but he was able to pick up on the kawarimi (replacement) and henge (transformation) quite well.

Kisame taught Naruto the Kirigakure no jutsu (Hidden Mist no jutsu) and Konan helped him with his chakra control.

Within four years, Naruto the living puppet was a force to be reckoned with. But during that time, Orochimaru betrayed Akatsuki and attacked Itachi, trying to take his body for his own. Itachi conquered Orochimaru and cut off his hand. The snake escaped, and took his hand with him. To replace the snake, Itachi, Sasori, and Naruto recruited Deidara, a nukenin from Iwa.

Then, Pain had an idea. He needed additional information on Konoha, so he decided to send Naruto back. He ordered Sasori to order Naruto to return to Konoha and gather intelligence on the various ninja as he suspected that their spy, Yakushi Kabuto, may have been compromised. Naruto agreed, but on one condition...

* * *

"Tell me again, why we're going back to my home country?" whined Kisame, the shark-like man obviously worried about getting caught.

"Naruto needs to appear taller and have longer arms," responded Itachi. "You are most experienced when fighting in the mist, so you will be helping us track down Naruto's replacement parts. Sasori came along to ensure that Naruto builds his new limbs correctly, and Naruto came because it involves him."

"Yes. I know that. Why does it have to be a Kirinin? Why not some Iwanin or Sunanin?"

"Because," began the blonde puppet boy. "It will improve my control over the various water-based jutsu you have been teaching me. Plus, I'll have a second set of arms."

"Kisame," began Sasori. "We can use this as a way to get back at the Mizukage, just to spite him."

"SOLD!" roared the shark man.

Once they arrived in the Water Country, they spent several hours in silence with no sign of any quarry. Then, there was a sign. All four members of the group sensed a four-man team concealed about a kilometer away.

Kisame made signs that told the rest of the group that their victims were familiar to him, and one of them was a jounin who had been in Kisame's graduating class. The other three got ready to fight as Kisame covered the entire area for a several kilometer radius with mist...

* * *

"So Taki, how does it feel to finally be a chuunin?"

"It feels great, Surimi-sensei!"

"Good!"

Suddenly, the area was shrouded in a mist much thicker than normal.

"Sensei, what's going on!"

"Quiet Sabiki-kun!"

"Are we under attack?" whispered the final member, a chuunin with a scarred face.

"You certainly are!" said a young man's voice in a cheerful manner. His voice seemed to come from everywhere.

Suddenly, the scarred chuunin fell over, dead. He had a kunai in his throat.

"KYO!" screamed Taki. Within a fraction of a second, a loud thud of metal on bone could be heard. In Taki's place was a mess of what used to be a human.

"Sabiki?" whispered Surimi. The jounin turned around to find that his final student was missing his head. He then felt a hand on his back and a pinprick of pain right behind his heart. He turned to see a blonde child, smiling at him.

And then there was darkness.

* * *

"All in all, not a bad haul," commented Naruto. "Three useful corpses and a mangled mass of organs and bones."

"Hey! I said I was sorry! I got a little carried away is all..."

"Oh, only a little," said Sasori, the sarcasm being wielded like Kisame's sword. "Did Leader-sama ask you to inhibit us in any way or was that a friend of yours you didn't want made into a puppet?"

"Sasori-san, just drop it," quipped Naruto. "There are plenty of other fish in the ocean."

"So what are you going to do with these?" asked Itachi.

"The chuunin and genin I will combine into a single puppet, and the jounin I will use to replace my legs and give myself an extra pair of arms."

"Wait, what?"

"Oh come now, Sasori-san. You know that my artistic style is different than yours. I like to make freaks of nature some of the time."

"Are you going to use the jounin's feet?" asked Kisame, curious as to why Naruto was removing the feet from the corpse.

"No, I was thinking of making talons for my feet. Something like a bird-of-prey's talons, you know?"

"Why?" asked Itachi.

"That way I can grip stuff with my feet."

"I'm surprised that I haven't thought of that," commented Sasori.

"A difference in our creative processes, I'm sure."

"Can we get moving soon?" asked Kisame. "I sense an investigation is on their way."

"Certainly," replied Naruto, putting the jounin's head on a pike. "Care to leave a message, Kisame?"

"Yeah," replied the shark man.

Naruto handed him a plank of wood and, using a kunai, Kisame quickly etched a message into it. The blonde puppet then nailed the sign onto the pike. All the body parts were then sealed into a sealing scroll (even the girl's pile of flesh and bone). Within seconds, the four members of Akatsuki were gone without a trace.

* * *

Eight Mist ANBU arrived ten minutes later, and they found the head with the sign. The sign read:

_To His High Bastard, the Mizukage,  
Hello. Just thought I'd drop in and see how my home was doing. And I must say: I am not impressed. This jounin's team barely lasted thirty seconds, and me and my buddies don't have a single scratch. Maybe Surimi-san was getting soft, or the standards around here are becoming lax. Whatever. See you around. Maybe.  
With Love,  
Hoshigaki Kisame_

_PS: I hope one of the other Seven Swordsmen sends you to Hell._

When they showed the message to the Mizukage, he broke out into a cold sweat.

* * *

After a few weeks, a lone figure approached the southern Konoha gate. This figure was robed in brown, and had a hood that concealed its face. (AN: think of it as looking something like a Garo from _The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask,_ except that it had sleeves and pant legs_._)

The figure was stopped at the gate by an ANBU.

"State your purpose, traveler."

"I have come to see the Hokage. I bear good news."

"Follow me then."

The ANBU led the robed figure into the village and three more ANBU fell into step behind them. Various villagers were curious as to the identity of the traveler.

"Do you see that person?"

"Wonder what he looks like."

"Look, Mommy! He's got chicken feet!"

"Hush!"

"I wonder if he's a ninja."

"Probably, else the ANBU wouldn't be escorting him."

The robed figure chuckled. One of the ANBU behind it began walking beside it.

"What's so funny?"

"The way the civilians gossip... you'd think they've never seen a Jinchuuriki seeking shelter in their village before."

"Is that what you are?"

"Yes. I seek shelter here. Shelter from a criminal organization. I bear good news as a gift of goodwill towards the Hokage. But I will say no more - you never know what kinds of prying ears might be listening in."

Nearby, Sai silently cursed himself with his carelessness.

* * *

"Alright. I have agreed to meet with you, but I have a very tight schedule. Make this quick, Jinchuuriki."

Suddenly, the hood pulled itself off of the figure's head.

"How you doin', old man?"

The ANBU and the Hokage gasped.

"Naruto! Is it really you?"

"Of course. Did you really think I'd die out there?"

"No, but I thought you had been kidnapped by Sasori of the Red Sand."

"I was."

"How did you ever escape!"

"Well, Sasori underestimated me. He let his guard down. I killed him in his sleep. He left some very extensive notes on puppet creation around though. I've been studying those for the past four years. I've also been doing some traveling. I've gotten into a few fights, hence my legs."

"Glad to know that you're all right. I suppose that you want to be inducted into the village again..." then the Hokage's eyes went wide. "You know about--!"

"Yes. The Kyuubi. I know about it. I've added more seals to keep the demon in check. I also know that said demon was the reason why I was shunned in the past. I'll probably be shunned again, but I don't care. I suppose that I'll need to go through the Academy this year?"

"Yeah," replied the old man, rubbing his temples. "Wait. What organization are you fleeing from?"

"Akatsuki. They are after all of the Bijuu. When they get all nine, they'll use their combined power to remake the world to their liking, with themselves as the rulers."

"How do you know so much about them?"

"I had a few run-ins with their members. Evidently, Sasori was one among their number. All of them are nukenin from various countries, and among them is Uchiha Itachi."

The ANBU gasped.

"Why am I not surprised?" inquired the Hokage rhetorically.

"I think I can take shelter here due to the fact that we have so many talented shinobi around."

"You really think we can stand against them?"

"Certainly."

"We'll see what we can do. Until then, here is the address to an apartment that you can have..."

"If you don't mind, I would like to live in the Forest of Death."

"Why?"

"Hardly anyone goes there, and I can work on my puppets in relative peace and quiet."

"You will have to share the Forest with Mitarashi Anko."

"Fine with me. I'll stay out of her way if she stays out of mine."

"Good. You will report to the Academy on Monday morning, at eight. Understood?"

"Yes."

"Dismissed. Oh, and Naruto?"

The blonde turned to look at the Hokage.

"Thank you for coming back."

Naruto smiled. Then he left after his hood pulled itself back over his head.

Naruto had a single thought in his head at that moment: _Gullible geezer._

After Naruto left, the Sandaime Hokage called for the captain of the ANBU.

"Sir!"

"At ease. I have an S-Ranked mission for you and the ANBU to complete. I want Uzumaki Naruto under twenty-four-hour surveillance. Do not let him detect you. Now go."

* * *

A woman in a short black skirt, a fishnet shirt, and a flowing trench coat panted with exertion. She had black hair and was 23 years old. Her name was Anko, and she was busy training in the Forest of Death when she felt a semi-familiar presence. Suddenly, a brown blur was in front of her. She dodged to the side as a pair of katanas came at her. She fired a few snakes out of her sleeves to attack the unknown being in the robe, but all she hit was air. The creature was high in the air. It suddenly began to dive towards her. She had to leap to avoid the double horizontal slash that it attacked with next. While in the air, she snap-kicked it in the chest, eliciting a grunt from her assailant and a great deal of pain in her foot.

She stumbled when she landed and fell backwards. She thought that it was all over, when the robed figure began to laugh. The swords disappeared up the sleeves of the robe.

"That was fun!" stated the figure, obviously male. "You have a great deal of talent, Mitarashi Anko. Yes, a great deal of talent. You just have had no real practice."

Though her foot still throbbed in pain, she was curious as to who it was in the hood. "Who are you?"

"You should remember me. No? Well, I remember you. You threw a rock at my head when I was three. Don't worry, I bear you no grudge."

"Again, who are you?"

His hood pulled itself back, revealing his head.

"Uzumaki Naruto, Jinchuuriki for the Kyuubi."

"By the kami! You're supposed to be dead!"

"I was presumed dead because a nukenin named Sasori captured me. I escaped, but not before taking his techniques, his devices, and his life. Now I'm back, and I'm your neighbor in this Forest."

"You live here now?"

"By request. I figure that this would be the only place where I can build my puppets in peace and quiet. I'll spar and train with you, but don't bother me when I'm building puppets."

"You're a puppet master?"

"Yeah. Want to see some of my artwork?"

"Um, sure."

Naruto pulled a scroll out of his sleeve. Anko gasped.

"What?"

"What happened to your hands!"

"Huh?" Naruto looked at his hands, being puppet hands made partially out of bone and partially out of steel. "Oh, I got in a fight. Bloody fight, but I won."

"And your mouth?"

"Some jerk punched it in, so I had to replace my teeth."

"And your feet?"

"Another fight with some nukenin. I forced him to escape and then I made these replacements."

"Ah."

Naruto unsealed a puppet from his scroll. It was shaped like a giant spider, and its legs ended in razor-sharp blades.

"This is Hachi. I sometimes use it as a mount. It is equipped with eight blades, four net launchers, two envenomed senbon repeaters, a flamethrower, and various stores of sticky gelatins for taking prisoners or hostages without harming them."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I've also put special seals on the eyes, allowing me to see through them as if they were my own."

"Ingenious. May I see another puppet?"

"Certainly."

Naruto unsealed another puppet. It had a snake-like tail and body, but it had a humanoid torso. One of the arms had a chainsaw for a hand, and the other had a claw. The head was a parody of a human head. On the back, four wings existed, each one ending in a blade.

"This is Ryu. Yes, it can fly. It has four blades, a chainsaw, a claw, a hidden kunai launcher, an acid grenade launcher in the tail, and a chakra-draining seal allowing it to survive most elemental jutsu. It is also built to withstand a beating, meaning that it can stop even large summons in their tracks. I built it to shield me and my other puppets from attacks. Again, this puppet has my specially-sealed eyes."

"Doesn't it get confusing to see through so many eyes at once?"

"It did at first, but I've gotten used to it."

* * *

As Naruto walked to the Academy on Monday morning with the hood off of his head, he ignored the glares the villagers were giving him. Several of them had tried to attack him or throw things at him. He quickly broke their weapons and slapped the thrown objects out of the air, all without breaking stride. He also seemed to ignore their attacks. Eventually, they gave up trying to hurt him.

_I have to put on a show so that I'm not discovered. Seems the old man wasn't as gullible as I thought, I'm being followed by no fewer than six ANBU. Well, I suppose practicing my stealth would be a good idea._

* * *

"Class, we have a new student this year. I know he's bigger than any of you, but he was presumed dead before. This is Uzumaki Naruto."

"Hello."

The class was silent. Then one of the students (Kiba, who else?) laughed.

"Hey, guys! He's got chicken legs!"

Several other students also laughed. They stopped laughing when Naruto smiled at them.

"AH! What happened to your face!" asked Ino, very loudly.

"I got in a fight and the jerk punched my mouth in. So I crushed his spine before making a set of replacement jaws."

The entire class stared as Naruto simply walked to the back of the class and sat down next to Shikamaru, who was sitting next to Chouji. Iruka shook his head at Naruto's attitude.

Chouji didn't seem afraid of Naruto.

"Nice to see you around again. Do you remember me?"

"Yeah. You're Chouji, right?"

"Mmhm," replied the boy as he stuffed his face with potato chips.

"This would be Shikamaru then?"

"Yeah."

Said boy began to wake up.

"What'd I miss?"

"Naruto is back."

"Really?" Shikamaru turned towards Naruto. "My, you certainly have grown."

"Most of it is prosthetics. I've been in a lot of fights in the past four years."

"What's your specialty?"

"Puppets and silent killing."

Shikamaru yawned. "Interesting. Well, I'm going back to sleep. Wake me up at the end of class."

"He always sleep in class?"

"Yeah."

"And you always eat?"

"Mmhm."

Naruto absentmindedly paid attention to the lesson as he looked around the room and gauged the relative strengths of the other students. Itachi's younger brother caught his eye, as well as a Hyuga girl who kept blushing every time he caught her glancing at him. Kiba was fairly strong, but paled in comparison to Chouji. Shikamaru had low chakra reserves as did Sakura, meaning that they had excellent control. Ino was average. Shino was difficult to tell due to the bugs, but he seemed to be a genius. Naruto catalogued this information for later.

* * *

The end of the year finally arrived, and Naruto evidently couldn't do the bunshin properly, though his henge and kawarimi were perfect. His bunshin kept being of what he would look like if he wasn't a puppet. He failed the exam, but then Mizuki told Naruto that there was a second exam. If Naruto could steal the Forbidden Scroll of Seals and learn one jutsu, he would pass for sure. Naruto played along.

He stole the scroll and switched it with a replica of it, to avoid the alarms going off. Additionally, he was able to ditch his ANBU shadows long before the operation had started.

He went off to learn a few jutsu from it. He learned the Kagebunshin (Shadow Clone) and Hiru Banshou: Bouka no jutsu (Leech All Creation: Attack Prevention no jutsu). None of the other jutsu on the scroll interested him, so he switched the scroll with the fake one again, without setting off any alarms. Then he tipped off the ANBU as to Mizuki's plans to steal the scroll after trying to trick Naruto into doing it.

Then Naruto went to bed after petitioning Iruka for a second chance at the Genin Exam. Iruka relented and decided to give Naruto a second chance. Naruto didn't actually go to sleep (as he didn't need to) but he did check all his puppets and did maintenance on them.

Naruto was happy that the plan was proceeding as scheduled.

* * *

End Chapter One.

Next Chapter: Life as a tsukumogami.

Author's Notes

Plot bunny suggested by michael68. Curse him for giving me an idea!  
Just kidding, of course.

Yeah yeah. Seems very similar to Chibi-Reaper's "Rebirth" story, but michael68 had actually given me the plot bunny before the Littlest Death posted his story. Undoubtedly, I am going to go in a very different direction from his story.

Yes. Some people are out of character. So what? Some of them are my interpretations on those characters, and others are blatant personality changes.

Pain is Pein. You morons should know that by now.  
STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT HOW I SPELL NAMES! Unless you catch something along the lines of my Tatewai/Tatewaki mistake that I had made in "Pride of the Goblins", then it's okay. But arguing with me that Might Guy's name is spelled Maito Gai is pointless. If I spell it that way, I may as well write Rock Lee's name as Roku Rii. Yeah, I didn't think so. So stop bugging me about it.

Yes, Naruto was doing the bunshin wrong on purpose. The series is going to divert drastically from canon from this point forward.

Thanks go out to Benjamin A. Oliver (of "Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow" fame), who preread this as I was waiting for Cylon One to preread it. Ben made several suggestions as how to improve it. However, I will not tell you guys how to contact him. He's busy enough as it is.

Naruto's Weaponry

Weapon  
Location  
Description

Leopard Teeth  
Mouth  
Used to give Naruto a more fearsome appearance, but also strengthened with seals to the point that the teeth, in tandem with the jaws, can crush steel.

Assassin Needle  
Right hand (small), inside palm  
Injects a quick-acting neurotoxin to quickly kill the target.

Talons  
Feet  
Used to give Naruto a more fearsome appearance as well as allowing him to grip things with his feet, such as enemy weapons.

Katana (x2)  
Sleeves of robe  
Two simple katanas made in Suna. Very durable and light.


	13. Tsukomogami ch2, Naruto

Living Puppet

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: A toilet attached to a wall is not art.

Chapter Two: Teams

* * *

"Hey!" called out Kiba. "What are you doing here, Naruto? Only the students who passed were supposed to arrive today!"

"I had a talk with Iruka-sensei," began Naruto. "He allowed me to do an extra-credit assignment which brought me up to passing."

"What?"

"Essentially, I was allowed to learn a different version of the bunshin instead."

He proceeded to show them a Mizubunshin. He left out the fact that he had gone and learned the Kagebunshin from the scroll before returning it to the Hokage.

"So, how did you learn the water clone?" asked Chouji.

"You'd be amazed by what you'd learn from a scroll you got off of a Kiri nukenin. But that is one of the few jutsu I was able to learn from it."

Sasuke was a little jealous of Naruto knowing a jutsu that he didn't.

"Although the Mizubunshin is solid, it has one-eighth of the strength of its maker, it has a limited range on how far away it can be from its maker, there is a limit on the number of water clones the maker can control, and the Mizubunshin are limited to physical attacks and water jutsu. But, you don't need much strength to chop things to pieces."

His clone pulled out two katanas from its sleeves.

"The blades on those cloned swords are just as sharp as the real thing," stated the blonde puppet.

"NARUTO! Stop showing off!" commanded Iruka.

"Hai," replied the tsukumogami as he dispelled the Mizubunshin.

"Alright, I've got your team assignments right here. Team 1..."

Naruto didn't pay much attention, but he started listening in as some of the stronger students' names were being called.

"Team 7: Jounin instructor is Hatake Kakashi. Team is comprised of Yamanaka Ino, Inuzuka Kiba, and Uchiha Sasuke."

A cheer from a blonde fangirl occurred while a wail from a pinkette could be heard.

"Team 8: Jounin instructor is Yuhi Kurenai. Team is comprised of Nara Shikamaru, Hyuga Hinata, and Uzumaki Naruto. Team 9..."

Naruto took a cursory glance at his two teammates. _Seems I got the lazy boy and the shy girl. It may be a little difficult to motivate them. Hmm..._

"Team 10: Jounin instructor is Sarutobi Asuma. Team is comprised of Haruno Sakura, Akimichi Chouji, and Aburame Shino. And finally, Team 11..."

* * *

Earlier that day...

"Due to Naruto showing that he had learned the Mizubunshin to me, I think that the teams need to be reorganized a bit."

"Oh?" inquired the Hokage. "Then why didn't he just use that instead of the regular Bunshin when you tested him?"

"He said he didn't trust Mizuki."

"Well, he's got good instincts. The ANBU arrested Mizuki last night and Morino-san has managed to get a confession out of him. Seems he was planning on stealing the Forbidden Scroll. So, what do you think the teams should be?"

"Well, Kakashi-san has requested to teach the Uchiha, if he passes the bell test, so Sasuke will be with him. To round off the abilities, Inuzuka Kiba for his tracking and detection skills and taijutsu, and Yamanaka Ino for her interrogation and infiltration skills."

"So, no specialization teams this year?"

"Pretty much. Your son, Asuma-san, will get Akimichi Chouji for his taijutsu and defensive jutsu, Aburame Shino for his detection and tactical skills, and Haruno Sakura for her slight genjutsu skills and offensive potential."

"Offensive potential?"

"Well, assuming that Asuma-san will expand her chakra reserves, she could become quite powerful due to her almost perfect control."

"I'll offer this suggestion to my son though: he should take her to the hospital to learn from medical ninja."

"Actually, that's a really good idea. I think that Yuhi Kurenai-san should train Hyuga Hinata, to get her confidence up. Since Hinata specializes in taijutsu, I think we should include Nara Shikamaru for his ability to capture opponents to allow Hinata to attack, as well as Uzumaki Naruto for his long-range jutsu and puppetry."

"So, instead of having three specialized teams out of the eleven that passed the initial test, you want three diversified teams that can handle whatever situation?"

"Well, yes. Also, I tried to get their personalities to be rounded-off."

"You do realize that Ino is a fangirl for Sasuke, don't you?"

"So was Sakura, who was your choice to put on that team. Ino, however, is not as easily distracted and therefore will not slack off in her training due to Sasuke being on the same team as her."

"Touché."

* * *

When Kurenai came to pick them up, she took them to a café to get to know them better. But she was perturbed by the fact that the prices of the coffee and everything else had skyrocketed since that morning.

"I can't believe these prices! I wonder what happened..."

"Sensei, it is because the owner of this establishment hates me. We'll forgo the drinks for now, unless you know how to fix the problem..."

Kurenai smirked. She went and talked to the manager and demanded that the prices be brought back down, or else she'd invite Might Guy's team over for a round of sake. Since the manager had heard what had happened when Rock Lee had a mere sip of sake, he hastily agreed to lower the prices. He even gave her a large discount!

The beautiful Jounin returned to the table, and Naruto noticed she was grinning.

"So, what happened?" he asked.

"Oh I threatened to invite Team Guy over for some sake."

"B-but sensei... I h-heard from N-Neji-niisan that L-Lee-san isn't a-allowed to have s-sake anymore."

"Precisely why the owner agreed so fast."

"Hey, Shikamaru, wake up!" said the blonde.

"Troublesome blonde. What is it?" muttered the lazy boy as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

"Sensei wants you to drink this."

Still not fully awake, Shikamaru downed the whole cup before he realized what it was.

"DAMNIT NARUTO!"

The puppet laughed. "But Shikamaru, you fall for that trick _every time! _You still haven't learned that when I offer you something to drink, it is always coffee!"

"Still troublesome. Now I can't fall asleep for a few hours!"

"Which is why your grades have significantly improved since we met... anyway, how about a game of shogi?"

"Alright, troublesome blonde."

Kurenai cleared her throat.

"Heh, sorry sensei," apologized Naruto.

"Sorry," muttered the Nara boy.

"Anyway, I do believe we need to do introductions. My name is Yuhi Kurenai. I specialize in genjutsu. I like flowers, soap operas, and coffee. I hate pig-headed bigots and kunoichi who don't take their jobs seriously. My dream is to have my genjutsu surpass even the legendary Uchiha. Hinata, I'd like you to go next."

While Kurenai was talking, Naruto and Shikamaru had pulled a gameboard and pieces from somewhere and began to play. They were obviously still listening though.

"Um... I'm Hyuga Hinata, and... um... m-my specialty is my cl-clan jutsu, the Byakugan a-and the J-Juuken... um... I like math a-and reading... I d-dislike h-how my f-father b-berates me for ev-everything... um... and I h-hate how the Br-Branch Line are sl-slaves to the M-Main Line in t-the Hyuga Clan... and... um... my d-dream is t-to be as g-good a ku-kunoichi as t-the Legendary Tsu-Tsunade and t-to g-gain the attentions of... um... a certain person..." She said this last part while glancing at Naruto.

_Well, she certainly has confidence issues like I had heard,_ mused Kurenai. _I wonder how I can help her with her dreams and her self-esteem?_

"Hinata, that was wonderful! Nara boy, you're next."

"Troublesome. My name is Nara Shikamaru. I specialize in strategy and my clan jutsu, involving my shadow. I like shogi, sleeping, and cloud watching. I dislike loud people, coffee, and troublesome things. And Naruto's in check."

"So I am," replied the blonde. He moved a piece. "Your move."

"My dream is to become an average ninja, marry a girl who is neither beautiful nor ugly, retire and have two children: a girl first and then a boy. Then I want to spend the rest of my days playing shogi or cloud watching. And Naruto's in checkmate."

"Damn!"

"Well, that was an interesting dream. It seems you have your life pretty well-planned-out, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Naruto, you're next."

"Very well. My name is Uzumaki Naruto. I specialize in puppetry and water jutsu, despite my wind affinity. I like art, pranks, and puzzles."

_Seems like I may have an apprentice for genjutsu,_ mused Kurenai before Naruto continued.

"I dislike people who hate me due to my status, people who would use me for political gain, and snakes. No, I am not afraid of them, I just don't like them. My dream is to become one of the greatest artists of our time, specializing in sculptures or puppets."

_I definitely have an apprentice for my genjutsu. I wonder if he really _isn't_ afraid of the snakes like he says. I'll have to test him on that during the bell test. And the Hokage did mention that Naruto knew he was a Jinchuuriki._

"Another wonderful dream."

_Good. She didn't question my motives, though I didn't really lie either - I just gave her only a part of the truth. The plan is coming together - soon she'll be teaching me very powerful genjutsu! Itachi-san could only teach me so much._

"We'll meet tomorrow morning at Training Field 12 for a survival test. Until then..."

Kurenai used the shunshin (body flicker) to disappear from view.

"Survival, huh?" wondered Naruto aloud. "Shikamaru, if it were to come to a combat situation, how should we go about it?"

_Better let him plan this battle,_ Naruto inwardly mused. _If I were to do it, I might not be able to hold back._

* * *

After Shikamaru was done planning, Naruto asked Hinata if he could speak with her alone. She blushed, but agreed. He took her to an alley (after ditching his ANBU shadows) and told her to activate her Byakugan. She blushed again and nearly fainted, but Naruto insisted, so she activated it. What she saw shocked her.

"W-what happened!"

"I've been in a lot of fights. On two different occasions, my two original arms got cut off. I didn't know any medical jutsu, so I made these larger arms. Then, I figured out how to attach my original arms as well and control them through puppetry. Now I can use all four, but since it looks a little freaky, I keep the two smaller ones hidden."

"B-but what a-about y-y-your..."

"What?" Naruto looked down, wondering what she was talking about. Then he realized what it was. "Oh that. Yeah. I lost my legs at the waist early on. I replaced them with a new set, but then those got cut off at the knee, so I created these feet."

Hinata sighed. So that's why he was missing _that_ particular organ.

"Hinata-san, I wanted to show this to you so that you'd know. I don't want Kurenai-sensei to know because then she would pity me. I don't want pity. And if word of this gets out, I'd be mocked at every turn and the villagers would think of me as even more of a monster than they already view me as. So please, don't tell anyone. Not even the Hokage. Not even your family. No one."

Hinata blushed a little due to the amount of trust Naruto was apparently putting in her, so she agreed.

_Act like I trust her and she's willing to do whatever I ask? Wow, she must really be attention-starved to be this easily manipulated! I feel dirty; manipulating her is like kicking a puppy or something._

* * *

The next day, Kurenai found her three students waiting, Naruto and Shikamaru engaged in a game of shogi. As she walked up to them, she heard something that surprised her, if only mildly.

"Checkmate," stated the blonde.

"Troublesome," replied the lazy boy.

"Okay team, listen up!" began the red-eyed kunoichi, causing the three genin to look at her. "In the Hokage tower, there are two bells, similar to this one -" She held up a simple silver bell. "- and you must retrieve them by noon. The Hokage and his staff are aware of this, and they will try to stop you. Whoever returns to this training field without a bell will be sent back to the Academy. Any questions?"

"No."

"N-no."

"Troublesome."

"Begin!"

And the three genin ran for the tower.

_Not one of them asked why there were only two bells... maybe they figured it out? If so, I'm impressed. I wonder how they are going to pull this off though..._

* * *

"'Combat situation'?"

"Meh. I predicted it wrong. Despite not mentioning it yesterday, I also specialize in stealing stuff. I can do that while providing a sufficient distraction with my puppets. Hinata, all you need to do is locate the bells. Shikamaru, what do you think of this plan?"

"Well, considering that you left me with the option to either help you steal the bells or help you create a distraction, I like it so far. I believe I will help with the distraction. Do you have a puppet appropriate for the situation?"

"Yes. Hachi, my spider-shaped puppet. Other than the blades that adorn the feet, the puppet is primarily a capture or retrieval mechanism. That should be useful."

"W-wait! You c-can con-control your p-puppets through walls?"

"Sure. It is simple enough, though moderately more difficult than doing it normally so. Also, I have written seals on the backs of the eyes - I can see what the puppet sees. It was confusing at first, but I've learned how to deal with it."

"Troublesome. Naruto, I've decided to pretend that I've fallen off the deep end, for added effect."

"Better than what I had planned."

"... what did you have planned?"

"Something involving a pink tutu, but I was hesitant to mention it until too late. But I think your plan would work better."

"..." Shikamaru was annoyed.

"..." Hinata was blushing.

They both were sweatdropping.

* * *

Kurenai arrived at the tower before them and went into hiding in order to watch. Naruto detected her almost immediately.

Hinata located the two bells, though she didn't seem to detect their sensei. One bell was in the Hokage's office and the other was three floors below it, in the women's restroom.

Naruto unsealed Hachi, allowing Shikamaru to get up on the spider puppet's back. Naruto then sent it to attack random people while Hinata observed from hiding, to allow her to detect any problems and deal with them. Naruto sprinted straight up the side of the building, not bothering to use his chakra and opting instead to grip the brick with his feet. Still, he managed to minimize the scratches to hairline imperfections, showing an above-average level of stealth.

Kurenai was impressed. She wouldn't be so impressed had she known what Naruto did to incapacitate the Hokage, but Hinata blushed furiously.

"Oiroke no jutsu!" (sexy no jutsu)

"Wha-?"

"Hiruzen-kuuuuuuun!"

Poor perverted old man didn't stand a chance.

Naruto removed the bell from his desk and left the room, henge'd as one of the ANBU in the room who had consequently lost consciousness at the same time as the Hokage. When he came to the women's restroom where the other bell was, he released one of his smaller puppets - an unnamed one in the shape of a scorpion with another one of those special eyes on it - into the restroom. He quickly controlled his puppet to take the bell back to him and pocketed it.

Outside, Chuunin, Jounin, and even ANBU were having trouble stopping the rampaging spider puppet with an apparently mad genin riding it. Whenever they got close to disabling one, the other would capture them allowing the first to knock them out.

Meanwhile, Shikamaru was singing the song "I'm a Little Teapot" - he did lose a bet earlier that morning, after all - over and over again. Suddenly, another ANBU finally managed to land on the spider's back and hit Shikamaru on the back of the neck, evidently knocking him out. The spider fell down immediately after Shikamaru was out cold.

"Thank you, Boar," replied an ANBU with a cat mask on. "But you had the duty of guarding the Hokage. Why leave your post?"

"Orders," responded the ANBU. "I am also to take this genin to his sensei - she probably put him under a genjutsu as punishment for some offense or other."

The other ninja nodded their heads in understanding.

Boar then hefted Shikamaru over his shoulder and picked up the spider puppet, though it appeared to be straining his muscles. He then disappeared.

Kurenai wondered when Naruto learned the Shunshin, but then she noticed that Hinata had also left the area. She quickly returned to Training Field 12 only to find them waiting for her.

* * *

Naruto was lazing about on top of his spider puppet while Shikamaru attempted to teach Hinata how to play shogi. As one, the genin turned to face their sensei, the Nara and Hyuga children proudly displaying the bells tied around their necks.

"It seems you three figured out the purpose of this test. When did you figure it out?"

"When you told us that there were only two bells," responded Naruto.

"We figured you were trying to divide us," continued Shikamaru.

"B-but teamwork w-was needed to g-get the bells," explained Hinata.

"So we figured we needed to do whatever possible to get them, regardless of who got sent back, if you planned on doing so anyway," finished Naruto.

"So, you volunteered to be held back if necessary?"

"Sure," retorted Naruto. "I can deal with another year of boredom."

"Well, the truth of the matter is that none of you are going back to the Academy. You all passed! You can have the rest of today off, but tomorrow we will be working on team dynamics and training."

Shikamaru simply leaned back and began to watch the clouds. Naruto started checking his puppet for damage as well as making a list on what needed to be replenished. Hinata was unsure what to do until Shikamaru remembered what he was doing before their sensei arrived. He sat back up and resumed teaching her how to play shogi.

Kurenai still had some work to do, such as report to the Hokage on how her team did.

* * *

Surprisingly, Kakashi was on time to the meeting. Out of the eleven teams to pass the Academy exams, only three managed to pass their bell tests.

Asuma began reporting first.

"I had them take the combat version of the bell test. They passed, though barely. Their tactics only worked because Chouji defended Sakura from me while Shino took both of the bells and gave them to each of his teammates. No one was tied to the log. Need I mention that they passed?"

Kakashi then gave his report.

"They took the combat version as well. Sasuke was rather arrogant and tried to take the bells by himself. Ino and Kiba at least tried to work together to get a bell, but failed. I ended up attaching Sasuke to the log while threatening to fail them if anyone fed him. Immediately after I appeared to have left though, Kiba started shoveling food into the Uchiha's mouth. It was rather amusing. Ino shared her meal with Akamaru, Kiba's battle partner. They passed."

Kurenai grinned.

"Infiltration version. I've got three geniuses, even though Hinata has a lack of confidence. I'm unsure of all of the details, but Naruto and Shikamaru created a distraction just after Hinata located the two bells in the Hokage tower with her bloodline. Then, Naruto entered the building while Shikamaru pretended to be insane and stood atop Naruto's spider puppet. After about ten minutes, what appeared to be an ANBU came out of the building and pretended to knock Shikamaru out. Obviously, it was Naruto. He picked up the seemingly unconscious boy and his puppet and _shunshined_ back to the meeting point; I had no idea Naruto knew a move reserved for Chuunin. Hinata had already made her way back or Naruto picked her up as well. Regardless, they were waiting for me back at the meeting point. Though I must ask, how did Naruto get past you, Hokage-sama?"

"Er... the details are rather unimportant."

"He appealed to your inner pervert, didn't he?" guessed Asuma. It was his father they were talking about, after all.

The Hokage blinked, and then his face went red from embarrassment.

Most of the females in the room glared at the dirty old man who was their leader.

* * *

End Chapter Two.

Next Chapter: Missions, bridges, and hard liquor.

Author's Notes

Well, this was a fun plotbunny, but I really screwed it up. Still, it is a good idea that I'd like to see explored, but I don't have the time to do so. If someone wants to pick it up, they should PM me for the details and for permission.


	14. Mind over Matter, Naruto, Trigun

Mind over Matter

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: "Naruto" is the intellectual property of Masashi Kishimoto. "Trigun", the anime in particular, is the intellectual property of Yasuhiro Nightow.

Prologue

* * *

When the Kyubi, the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox, was human, he was much like his demon self: he loved to kill people in mass quantities. Normally, he was calm, polite, and subtle when he murdered people. However, today he was having a bad day. Everything seemed to go wrong and he hadn't killed a single human in a decade. But the day seemed to get better. Just over the next rise was an entire village of humans.

Normally, he would have used his usual style for killing people. But the thing about demons is their emotional range and intensity. They have less of an emotional range than humans, but their emotions were so much more intense by far. Today, the Kyubi was pissed. Such an understatement has never been uttered in the entire history of time. But yes, he was pissed. So rather than using his usual subtle approach, he used the brute force method. For a fifty-foot tall demon, that wasn't too hard to do.

Unfortunately for the fox, this village had a countermeasure against such monstrosities. The Yondaime Hokage sealed the Nine-Tailed demon into the form of his only son who was born just that morning. Unfortunately for Konoha, that would later prove to be the worst decision any of their Hokages could ever make.

Though the demon was sealed - mind, body, chakra, and soul - into the blonde infant, the demon had an ace up his... well, sleeve. Even when he was a human, his mind had a tendency to wander into others' minds. He had 8,000 years to practice this skill. Since he was sealed within a baby, he had the ability to wander into the boy's mind. He couldn't leave the boy and influence other people, but he could influence the infant. In turn, the infant could influence other people. The fox decided to watch the boy for a year to take stock of the situation, and find any observable usefulness.

He observed how most members of the village shunned or hated the child. He could feel how the child was unloved and not properly cared for. If it weren't for the demon fox's chakra, the child would have died on his first birthday.

He decided to make contact with the boy at the first opportune moment, when he was most vulnerable. That opportunity appeared two years later...

* * *

End Prologue.

Chapter One: Hatred.

* * *

The day the Kyubi got his chance was the day an assassination attempt finally managed to get close enough to Naruto to actually be a problem.

It is easy to watch a baby, but difficult to watch a toddler. Especially since the toddler was curious and had wandered off by himself.

Mizuki saw it as the best opportunity to finally kill the demon. He rushed at the child.

"Die, you monster!" yelled the Chuunin, scaring the poor boy.

However, before Mizuki had the chance to even touch the boy, an ANBU was suddenly there, and blocked his strike. Before the Chuunin could react, a kunai had been shoved into his kidney. The pain was so great that Mizuki didn't have the chance to cry out before he fell over. He was dead from a second kunai shoved into his heart.

Naruto was crying. The ANBU tried to calm the boy, but to no avail. He was able to lift the boy and carry him back to his caretakers, who were in trouble for loosing track of the boy. When the boy finally stopped crying, he noticed that the boy was muttering to himself, but it was too soft for the ANBU to hear.

He dropped the boy off and left to make a personal report to the Sandaime Hokage.

* * *

As the ANBU tried to calm the blonde, another entity began to work on the child.

**_It's_****_ okay, child. It's okay. The nice ANBU was able to stop the bad man. He'll never bother you again._**

Sniff. "Who are you?" Hic.

**_Quietly._****_ I'm the reason why the bad man attacked you. More bad people will attack you if they think you're talking to me._**

"Okay," responded the boy almost silently.

**_Remember how the grown-ups talk about the demon fox who attacked the village?_**

"You're a demon?"

**_Yes and no. I am what grown-ups think is a demon, but I am actually a savior. I came here to kill the bad people. But the Yondaime Hokage thought that I was going to kill everybody, so he put me inside you. He asked that the village treat you like a hero, and here they are treating you like trash._**

"Should I let you out?"

**_No no no. Doing that would kill us both. I'll teach you how to make them pay. Together, we'll become bringers of justice! You will become a savior, just like me!_**

"What if I'm caught talking to you?"

**_Then don't talk to me. You can think the words at me and I'll be able to hear you. Please try._**

_Like this?_

**_Yes! I knew you could do it! Good job! Soon, you'll learn all my tricks! And you'll have some of your own that you can make. With my help, you can become a better savior than me!_**

Naruto smiled at this. Not only did he now have a friend, but he was going to become a savior!

The Kyubi smiled at Naruto's malleability. He would manipulate the boy to become like him. Someday soon, the boy would see all humanity as trash. Then the plague could finally be eradicated.

* * *

Two years later, Naruto was kicked out of the orphanage. Knowing he would need protection and shelter, Naruto decided to try and guilt-trip the Hokage into granting him a place to stay.

_Any advice you crazy fox?_

**_Certainly._****_ Play up the fact that nobody likes you and you have no place to go._**

_About protection: you think I can get that ANBU to protect me?_

**_It's a possibility. You may have to play it by ear. Anyway, the first order of business would be getting inside._**

_Yeah. Think you can halt my regeneration?_

**_Yes. What do you have planned?_**

_You'll see._

Naruto hid in an alley and went behind a pile of trash. He then grabbed a lead pipe and beat himself with it. He then put the pipe into the trash and covered it with more trash.

Naruto limped right up to the Hokage Tower, using a stick as a walking aid.

"What happened to you?" asked one of the ANBU guards, a female.

"I just got thrown out of the orphanage. May I see the Hokage?"

"Certainly," replied the ANBU before picking him up. "I'm taking him to the Hokage. No goofing off."

"Of course not."

**_Ingenious._**

_Yeah. I figured I could use her maternal instincts to get an audience with the Sandaime._

"Hokage-sama!" exclaimed the ANBU as she brought Naruto into the Hokage's office. The old man looked up and dropped his quill at the sight of the blonde, all bloody and swollen.

"What happened!"

"They threw me out of the orphanage," said the boy.

"And they beat you?" asked the Hokage.

Instead of answering, Naruto curled up even tighter in the ANBU's arms, hiding his face in his hands.

"Hokage-sama! Let me get revenge on the administrators of that orphanage!"

Genuinely surprised, Naruto looked up at the woman in awe.

The Hokage saw this, and realized how much people hated Naruto and how impressionable the boy was.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that. The Council will likely declare you a nukenin and demand that both you and Naruto be executed. However, I can give you a special S-class mission."

Naruto could feel the woman sigh in resignation.

"I would like you to raise Naruto as if he were your own son. Teach him the ninja arts, history, whatever you can. But this is a secret mission, which you must tell no one of."

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"Since your face hasn't been seen in over a decade, I suggest you change your name."

"I'll also change my face, sir. I have a jutsu that allows me to do that."

"Good. I'll write up the paperwork and forms."

* * *

The Kyubi was annoyed. He was working towards making Naruto see no value in humanity, but now the boy saw good in one person. He wasn't sure, but he felt that this might put a damper on his plans.

Or perhaps not. It seemed that Naruto still hated most people. Interesting. Most interesting.

It seemed that Naruto had a difference of opinion with the fox. Though the Kyubi saw all humans as trash, the blonde saw all humans as trash except for a few gems. The boy didn't see himself as one of the gems, however. The fox felt that he may have to tweak his plans a bit, but for the most part, this boy would do his killing for him.

* * *

The ANBU was a red-haired woman of the age of twenty-three, and was very attractive. However, she changed her face so that it looked more like Naruto's face (even the whisker marks) and she changed her hair color so that it was the same golden-blonde that the boy's hair was. It was then that Miss Kuro Asuka became Miss Uzumaki Megumi, Naruto's "aunt".

The official report stated that Megumi was finally informed of her sister's death, and came to look after her sister's only son. The two Uzumakis were given an apartment near the Academy, where Naruto would be enrolled at the beginning of the next Academy Year.

Kuro Asuka was "sent" on a special S-class mission to gather vital information. It would be a twelve-year mission.

Asuka's disappearance and Megumi's appearance were almost completely seamless, with none but the most astute of minds figuring out what actually happened. Unfortunately, among such minds was the twelve-year-old Yakushi Kabuto.

Kabuto reported this to his master. His master thought it was an interesting bit of information, but told Kabuto to proceed as planned.

* * *

Megumi taught Naruto what she knew of silent killing. Being able to kill when your senses are restricted is a very useful skill for a ninja, so she taught Naruto how to hunt without his eyes. Then, how to hunt without his eyes or his ears. Next was without eyes or nose. Finally, she taught him how to hunt without the use of his eyes, ears, or nose.

Naruto showed natural talent in this area, but like the child he was, he still wasn't very good at it. Megumi had him train and practice so that he would be adept at these skills by the time he was a genin. Hopefully, he could master the art of silent killing by the time he was a chuunin.

The Kyubi also encouraged the learning of these skills for it would help rid his container of his innocence.

Additionally, Megumi was a fire expert. Truthfully, she didn't have the level of power exhibited by the Uchiha clan, but she had more control than the prodigy known as Itachi. She had invented a special smokescreen jutsu using her fire affinity just for fighting against opponents who had a doujutsu and to allow a higher success rate for silent kills. She had named said attack as Katon: Kage Enmaku no jutsu (Fire Release: Shadow Smokescreen no jutsu). She perfected the jutsu in secret, and only the day before Naruto came to the Hokage Tower.

Since the Kyubi didn't know if his peculiar talents could be imitated, he encouraged Naruto to learn the jutsu.

Naruto's chakra control was terrible, so Megumi devised several different training exercises to improve his control. By the time the blonde boy was seven years old, he had mastered water walking and tree climbing. Leaf floating was a bit trickier for him, as it required chakra in smaller amounts than Naruto was used to using.

With the help of both the Kyubi and his "aunt", Naruto improved his social skills and learned how to be political-minded. Naruto learned tact, etiquette, and patience.

Additionally, Megumi borrowed scrolls and books from the library whenever she could, so that Naruto could read them. The boy was an avid reader, spending several hours of each day dedicated to studying various subjects.

Then, Naruto decided to study demonology. However, he couldn't trust Megumi to teach him as he knew that she was afraid he might willingly become the puppet of the Kyubi.

So he went to the Kyubi for answers.

* * *

The fox began by telling the tale of a vessel that traveled the stars, storing humans and beings called plants. The vessel crashed on a barren world, almost devoid of water. Some of the plants died. About half the humans were dead. The remaining humans were brought out of hibernation. The humans sinfully began using the plants to improve their lives, leeching energy away from the plants and destroying the planet. However, two plants remained alive. These two plants fought each other constantly. There was a savior and a devil. The savior trying to kill the sinful humans and the devil trying to keep them alive. Then, the savior found a powerful but pitiful human who had been used as a pleasure slave, and decided to have the human become his servant.

_So, what happened next, Kyubi?_

**_... I have a name._**

_I beg your pardon, but isn't your name "Kyubi"?_

**_Please. That is just a title. My name is Legato. Legato Bluesummers._**

* * *

End Chapter One.

Next chapter: Tragedy for our blonde hero... wait, he's not exactly a "hero", is he?

Author's Notes

BWAHAHAHAHAAA! Who saw that coming? Yes, the Kyubi is what Legato turned into after he was sent to Hell.

Yes, Mizuki is dead.

Yes, Lord Shadner gave me another plot bunny.

I didn't want Naruto to be raised by an ANBU, but my muse insisted. So I was going to have him be raised by a male ANBU when the question of how Naruto was going to enter the Hokage's office came up. Things kind of snowballed from there, but it did allow me to shape Naruto's personality the way I wanted it to be in the first place.  
Moral of the story: do whatever the Hell your muse tells you to do.

EDIT: Naruko is such a stupid name, so I replaced it with Megumi.

**SO, this has been abandoned by me, due to the fact that I don't have time to work on it. Nor do I have the inclination. Someone else can pick it up though. They should PM me if they want to.**


	15. Naruto the Mazoku, Naruto, Slayers

Naruto, the Mazoku

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. Slayers belongs to Hajime Kanzaka.

* * *

Xellos was bored. Never a good thing, as any who know of him will tell you; the reason for this is that Xellos was a Mazoku. Not only was he a Mazoku, but he was the self-proclaimed Trickster Priest.

He decided he needed a vacation. So he pulled himself into the astral plane to find another world to go and have fun with. He soon found a world populated by warriors. Well, these warriors were more of an assassin disposition. Oh alright, fine! They were ninja! Happy? Good. Anyway, Xellos found something interesting. There was a blonde-haired man riding a giant toad going against a gigantic fox demon with nine tails. And what's this? The man was holding an infant boy.

There was something quite familiar about the child...

"Ah," thought Xellos out loud as he analyzed the boy's soul. "The boy is part Mazoku. Hmm... His mother was a Mazoku chimera... Wait a minute... His mother was... MY DAUGHTER!"

Xellos remembered her. She was "born" nearly four years ago. She was a chimera created from some genetic material from a dragon and Xellos's own power. She was quite annoying, even by Mazoku standards, because she was easily distracted. Sure, she could stay on task for nearly a year, but then she'd move on to something else. And she usually moved about every three weeks. In essence, she was a total ditz.

"It seems that she decided to stay here for nearly a year. Hmm... seems I missed her by half an hour. She 'died' in childbirth and then she left. Hello? What's this?"

At this time, the blonde man performed a special sealing technique, sealing the fox demon inside the boy and locking away a large portion of the boy's Mazoku powers as a side-effect. The Shinigami that had been summoned to perform the sealing was somewhat disgruntled about something as he placed the fox inside the boy. Then the blonde man died after handing the boy to another ninja.

"This will be interesting, to say the least. I might as well watch." Xellos's soul looked slightly annoyed. "Too bad I can't materialize popcorn in the astral plane."

* * *

The boy grew, and was known as Uzumaki Naruto. At the orphanage, he quickly learned that making other people feel bad made him feel better and stronger. And so, against his better judgment (which was a slowly dwindling conscience), he continually pranked nearly everyone as soon as he learned how. Additionally, people kept finding their stuff missing.

The annual beatings on his birthday always resulted with him being the only one standing, even though he never fought back. He always had an annoying smile throughout the whole event every time, which compelled the ones assaulting him to become enraged and beat him more. The more rage and hatred they felt towards him, the more powerful he felt. The more powerful he felt, the more annoying his smile became. This vicious cycle would continue until those beating him would collapse from exhaustion. Then, Naruto's body would regenerate any wounds it had incurred.

Even with the Council trying to find every way possible to hold Naruto back or cause him harm in a subtle manner the boy kept getting stronger. And from the beginning, Naruto knew that he had to keep his powers a secret from the world... at least until he got to the point where he could level a city, and then he could go all-out. Maybe he would conceal his true skills even then?

Naruto had decided to join the Academy in order to pay for a place to stay so that he could stash all the stuff he kept stealing. He quickly found that he could annoy or piss off most of the kids in the class and all of the Chuunin instructors. He also continually failed his exams for two reasons: no one would tutor him and he did it to piss off the instructors. Soon, his favorite Chuunin became Umino Iruka, despite the fact that the man didn't actually hate him. His favorite thing to do to him was perform Oiroke no jutsu (Sexy no jutsu) and watch the nosebleed. Such an action always pissed Iruka off and embarrassed all the girls in the class; both emotions strengthened him.

Naruto also found that he could easily annoy a pink-haired girl named Haruno Sakura. He also found that he could gain tons of power from Uchiha Sasuke, after the massacre of the Uchiha Clan, due to the boy's brooding nature.

* * *

Iruka hurried into the classroom as he was slightly late. As soon as he entered the room, he slipped on some water on the floor and fell on his back, causing the children to laugh.

"NARUTO!"

"What?" responded the blonde demon child in a calm and annoyingly innocent manner as Iruka stood up. To Naruto, anger tasted like barbecue beef.

"You put this water here, didn't you!"

"Can't prove it."

"Class? Did Naruto put water on the ground or not?"

"Yes he did!" responded the remainder of the class.

"You're just saying that because everyone hates me!" yelled Naruto pitifully.

This reaction caused many of the children and Iruka to feel guilt. To Naruto, guilt tasted like dark chocolate. Naruto snickered, and then began to laugh. Realizing that Naruto had done that simply to manipulate the whole class, Iruka became very annoyed. His annoyance tasted just like chicken. Just as Iruka was about to reprimand the boy, Naruto used his favorite variation of Henge (Transformation): Oiroke no jutsu. (Sexy no jutsu)

"Oh Iiiiruuuukaaaa!" said Naruto's naked female illusion in a sensual manner as she swayed her hips just so. "Do be gentle, pleeeeeease!"

Nosebleed rocket! As Iruka flew backwards, Naruto changed back. The developing lust of some of the males tasted like bread whereas the embarrassment of the females tasted like orange juice. As Iruka came to, his barbecue beef anger came back tenfold. But before he could do anything, Naruto got hit in the back of the head with a book.

"Will you stop it with your daily annoyance ritual!" asked an enraged Sakura. Her rage tasted like pork. "Some of us actually want to learn!"

"Why don't you come down here and make me?" As Sakura made for a flying kick at Naruto's head, the class erupted into chaos. Confusion, by the way, tasted like bacon and eggs.

Iruka did his best to calm them down. It was a losing battle.

* * *

If Xellos could be heard, he'd be rolling on the floor laughing out loud. The antics of his grandson were all so hilarious! But Xellos was concerned; the boy wasn't learning magic and the jutsu that the ninja were trying to teach him were difficult for him to learn, as his chakra system happened to be partially borrowed from the Kyubi. The Trickster Priest decided to do something about that.

He created a spellbook above Naruto's head as the boy was walking home from the Academy...

* * *

"Ow!" exclaimed the boy as a large and heavy object hit him in the head. He didn't know it was coming as he could usually taste whatever emotions an assailant had as it snuck up on him.

He turned around and found a large book on the ground behind him. He read the cover: The Uzumaki Clan's Book of Spells. He picked it up to find that the book was heavy. He figured he'd have to read it. On his way home he bought a sealing scroll so that he could hide the large and awkward book with him.

Once he returned home, he unsealed the book from the scroll and began reading it. The first part was a primer on magical creatures. He read about dragons of various kinds, and came to wish he was at least part dragon. A lot of the other creatures didn't hold his interest for long, but he soon came across the section describing Mazokus. He was intrigued that they fed off of negative emotions, much like he did. He hoped that he was at least part Mazoku.

He soon came across the largest section of the book: the actual spell section. It had everything from simple illusions and cantrips to high-powered spells such as Dragon Slave. Naruto was amazed at the wealth of knowledge that the book contained. He figured that his progenitors were very powerful indeed, though they must have been very secretive. Naruto was smart enough to figure out that at least one of his relatives was still alive and watching over him, or else the book would never have found him.

Naruto found the spells to be infinitely easier to learn than jutsu, though he figured that there may be a few jutsu for which there was no magical equivalent. Naruto soon found out about summoning beasts and realized that the primer on magical creatures was a guide on which beasts to summon and when.

* * *

Xellos was pleased. Naruto had learned about half of the book in less than a year. Most of the spells he learned were shamanistic spells, though he did manage to learn a weak Black Magic spell. He learned Void, a teleportation spell used by part-Mazoku chimeras, which was exactly what Naruto was (not that he knew that).

Over the next few years, Naruto learned a few of the more powerful shamanistic spells as well as learning some White Magic for the purposes of countering magic with Flow Break and paralyzing opponents with Lafas Seed. Naruto figured that he may eventually come across someone else who used magic and thus he learned Flow Break.

Eventually, it was time for Naruto to graduate from the Academy...

* * *

"Okay Naruto," said Mizuki, a shady Chuunin instructor at the Academy. "The first part of the final exam is multiple-choice, so don't screw this part up like you did last year."

Naruto sat down for the written part of the test. Unlike the previous two years, the blonde Mazoku realized that there must be a genjutsu centered on his copy of the test. With a simple recital of "kai", the word used to dispel weak genjutsu, the illusion was removed from his copy of the test. He passed the written test with flying colors.

"The second part of the test is skill-based," said Iruka. "You must complete the three basic jutsu we teach here. Okay, Naruto. Kawarimi!"

Naruto leapt into the air and performed Kawarimi no jutsu (Replacement no jutsu). He performed it with such a speed that neither Iruka nor Mizuki were able to catch.

Naruto switched places with Mizuki. Mizuki, who had been positioned upside-down in the transfer, hit his head on the floor once gravity realized that it should be affecting the Chuunin.

Iruka, seeing this, turned to where Mizuki had been sitting before and saw Naruto there, his omnipresent annoying grin displayed proudly on his face. Iruka raised an eyebrow, but continued.

"Next you must do the Henge no jutsu. Do NOT use your Oiroke no jutsu."

"You're no fun," Naruto stated as he made the seal. He transformed into Mizuki - with a katana sticking through his head.

"Okaaaaay..." said Iruka as he observed Naruto. "Naruto, does Mizuki look exactly like that right now?"

"No, he doesn't. Not yet anyway." Naruto (still transformed as an assassinated Mizuki) grinned evilly at Mizuki, causing the Chuunin to wet his pants.

"Okay, why don't you like Mizuki?"

"He put a genjutsu on my test so that I'd fail. Again."

Iruka looked at his fellow Chuunin with a look of disgust.

"Moving on, perform the Bunshin no jutsu." (Clone no jutsu)

Naruto dispelled the Henge and made the seal for the Bunshin. But instead of performing the jutsu which the blonde had no talent at, Naruto cast a simple second-level illusion spell creating five copies of himself.

"Very good, Naruto! You pass!" He turned to Mizuki. "And you're in deep trouble. Very deep."

* * *

Mizuki was going to have his Chuunin License taken away from him. On top of that, he couldn't find Naruto anywhere to attempt to trick him into being the scapegoat for stealing the Scroll of Seals.

_Oh well,_ he thought. _I suppose that stealing it will be more challenging if I do it by myself._

* * *

That night, Naruto was bored. He wanted to try out his second Black Magic spell that he had only recently learned - Blast Ash. It was described as a black mist that turns anything with a will to continue existing into ash. However, it was also described as not affecting clothing, walls, armor, or other inanimate objects that do not have a will of their own.

Naruto used a simple first-level scrying spell to see if there were any viable targets for Blast Ash anywhere in or near Konoha. He saw an image in his mind of Mizuki fleeing the village with the Scroll of Seals strapped to his back.

"Oh. _That's_ why the alarms are going off all over town," said the blonde Mazoku, thinking out loud. "And I can kill him without harming the Scroll of Seals. Perfect! Void."

When Naruto said the name of his teleportation spell, he was instantly transported directly in front of the thief's path. He then constructed a dome around himself encasing Mizuki with him. It was a seventh-level barrier spell. The dome, made of pure spiritual energy, was completely impenetrable unless enough force was applied on the outside of the dome. The only downside was that it also disallowed air flow. As he completed the spell, he said its name.

"Adamant Array." With that, it was complete. The dome was opaque on the outside but crystal clear from an interior perspective.

The blonde waited for his silver-haired victim to arrive, and arrive he did.

* * *

The Sandaime Hokage was trying to find Mizuki with his Toumegane no jutsu (Telescope no jutsu) using his crystal ball as a focus. He finally found him inside of a dome that wasn't there the day before.

"What? Naruto's facing him? ALONE!"

He calmed himself down and decided to see what Naruto could do.

* * *

"Out of my way, you little punk!"

"And if I refuse?"

Mizuki threw a gigantic shuriken at the young Mazoku. Naruto used Kawarimi no jutsu to switch places with the large shuriken. It fell harmlessly to the ground.

"Well, aren't you impatient?" asked Naruto rhetorically. "I am going to summon something and see how long it takes to kill you. If you manage to kill it, I'll summon something else. On and on we'll go; until sunrise if I have to." Naruto was smiling yet again.

The blonde clasped his hands together, as if in prayer.

"I call thee from the Bogs of Creotia to corrode my foe! First-Level Summoning: Green Slime!"

A pentacle appeared on the ground near the blonde; from it rose a large green blob about the size of a horse. Mizuki's eyes went wide as he saw the strange monster rise from the unearthly five-point star inscribed in a circle.

The strange creature lunged at Mizuki, tendrils of its gelatinous body reaching towards the former Chuunin. Mizuki slashed at it with his remaining giant shuriken only to find that attacking it in such a manner was the same as attacking a lake in the same manner; in other words, his attacks did jack!

To get away from the odd creature and think of a strategy, Mizuki took to the trees. He sat on a branch keeping an eye on Naruto as he thought about how he should go about killing the "green slime" as the blonde had called it. The slime grasped the base of the tree and began to digest it in an effort to get Mizuki out of the tree. It took mere moments before it felled the tree. Mizuki, being the idiot that he is, didn't even leap from it in time. He ended up pinned under the mass of wood, his legs broken.

Before the slime was able to attack Mizuki's screaming body, Naruto held up his hand, stopping the creature.

"Pathetic," he said to Mizuki. "Oh well. Time to try out my new spell! Blast Ash."

Mizuki screamed with increased vigor as the black mist began to envelop his body. As soon as it reached his chest, he fell silent. Soon, all that remained of him was a pile of clothing, weaponry, and ash. Naruto was surprised to find that the spell had affected the tree as well, though he figured that Blast Ash was able to affect any living thing.

* * *

The Hokage was very much impressed by Naruto's performance. However, he didn't know what type of creature it was that the boy had summoned. He knew it was called a "slime", but other than that, he had no information on it. On top of that, he had never seen a jutsu quite like that "Blast Ash". He knew the boy's father had no such jutsu, but it was possible that his mother did. Not much was known about Naruto's mother; she had simply shown up out of the blue and fell in love with the blonde's father.

He supposed that the slime might be Naruto's familiar, though he doubted it. The creature couldn't talk and couldn't use jutsu. He decided to wait and see if Naruto might pull something else out of his bag of tricks.

In any case, the Hokage disengaged the Toumegane no jutsu as he knew that Iruka was waiting outside the barrier. He felt that student/teacher interactions were private affairs.

* * *

The blonde sent the slime back to the swamp from which it came and dispelled the barrier. Iruka was standing outside of it.

"That was your barrier?"

"Yes."

"Have you seen Mizuki?"

Naruto pointed to the pile of ash, clothing, and weaponry, a grin on his face.

"By the kami..."

* * *

The next day, Naruto had found a way to annoy the Hokage: he took his ID picture dressed as a clown of some sort. The Sandaime made him take it again.

And then Konohamaru, the Hokage's grandson, tried to attack the old man. He tripped on his own scarf but he blamed it on Naruto.

"That's right! I did it! What are you going to do about it?"

The small child charged at Naruto to attack him.

"Diem Wing!"

A tornado of air encircled Naruto and lifted Konohamaru from the ground and launched him back through the door from which he came.

The Hokage looked at Naruto curiously.

"What? He'll live."

"That's not what I was wondering about. How did you learn that jutsu?"

"That..." he began, causing the old man to lean closer in anticipation. "... is a secret!"

Facefault!

* * *

The next day, Iruka was calling out the assignments for teams.

"Team 6 is already in the field. Team 7 is Haruno Sakura, Uzumaki Naruto..."

Sakura looked ready to cry. Naruto grinned.

"... and Uchiha Sasuke."

"YES!" shouted Sakura happily. Sasuke looked irritated. Naruto's grin widened.

"Jounin is Hatake Kakashi."

Sakura and Sasuke didn't know who that was, but Naruto's grin somehow widened even further.

"Team 8 is Hyuga Hinata, Kiba Inuzaka, and Aburame Shino. Jounin is Yuhi Kurenai. Team 9 is already in the field. Team 10 is Akimichi Chouji, Nara Shikamaru, and Yamanaka Ino. Jounin is Sarutobi Asuma. Team 11..."

Naruto stopped paying attention.

_Sakura is easily annoyed as is Sasuke. Sasuke is depressed and brooding and hates me almost as much as Sakura does. And if my information is correct, Kakashi-sensei has a deep-rooted lingering guilt about his best friend dying._ He quietly chuckled. _The Hokage _**does**_ love me!_

* * *

"Get away from me!" screamed Sakura.

"But why?" asked Naruto, his face a mock expression of pain and shock. "I only wanted to recite poetry to you!"

"Idiots." Guess who said that!

Anyway, they had only been waiting five minutes since all the other teams left with their Jounin instructors.

Naruto finally convinced Sakura to let him recite some poetry:

"_Oh freddled gruntbuggly?_ _Thy micturations are to me  
"As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.  
"Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.  
"And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,  
"Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"_

Naruto turned to see that Sakura was having violent epileptic seizures on the floor while vomiting. He also saw that Sasuke was twitching on the ground; apparently, the Uchiha boy had the sense to smash his own head into his desk to render himself unconscious before Naruto had reached the second line. Their psychological and intellectual pain tasted like strawberry ice cream with fudge topping!

Naruto then went and made a simple trap - a chalkboard eraser wedged in between the door and the doorjamb at the very top so that if anyone opened it, they'd be hit by it. After that, he waited for the Jounin to arrive while enjoying the emotional pain brought on by such horrible poetry.

* * *

Several hours later, after Sakura and Sasuke had regained consciousness, Sakura had finally drunk over two gallons of water, to rehydrate herself. Sasuke was sitting back at his broken desk.

Finally, a hand was seen through the crack in the doorway. It was Kakashi's hand. He opened it and began to step through when the eraser hit him in the head. Neither Sakura nor Sasuke had seen it beforehand. They both looked at Naruto who was grinning fiercely.

"My first impression," began the Jounin. "... I hate all of you."

Sakura sweatdropped. Sasuke was apparently an emotionless mask. Naruto burst into annoying laughter.

* * *

Xellos thought that Naruto's laughter reminded him of someone...

"Oh yes," he thought. "It sounds almost exactly like the laugh that Naga the White Serpent does! And look at the waves of sheer horror and annoyance coming from them!"

* * *

Within moments, they were on the roof of the academy.

"Well, time for introductions," said Kakashi. "I'll go first to give you an example of how to do it. My name is Hatake Kakashi. For my likes and dislikes... well, that's none of your business. You're all too young to know what my hobbies are. As for a dream? Well, I think I'd better skip that part."

_He told us nothing at all,_ thought Sakura.

"Your turn, pink-haired girl."

"My name is Haruno Sakura. I like..." She giggled while taking sidelong glances at Sasuke. "I dislike perverts and pigs and annoying people. As for hobbies..." She giggled again while looking at Sasuke. She blushed. "And my dream..." Her blush deepened even further.

To Naruto, her crush on Sasuke tasted like dirt. Luckily, Sasuke's hidden revulsion tasted like beef stew.

"Next is the brooding one."

"..."

"Yes, Sasuke, that means you."

"... Fine. My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I don't like anything and I hate annoying people. I don't have any hobbies. And I don't have a dream, but I do have a goal: there is a certain man that I must kill."

Sakura swooned. Naruto looked mildly amused. Kakashi knew exactly which man that Sasuke was talking about.

"Okay. Finally, we have the blonde."

"I am Uzumaki Naruto. I like ramen, doing annoying things, pranks, jokes, and learning new jutsu. I dislike things that taste bad. My hobbies include annoying people, pissing people off, tricking people, and generally causing chaos. As for my dream? That..." All three members of his audience leaned forward. "... is a secret!"

Facefault! Naruto did his Annoying Laugh of Doom™, causing them immense horror and additional annoyance.

* * *

Xellos was laughing at his grandson's antics. That was twice in the same chapter that Naruto found a use for that laugh!

* * *

End.

Author's Notes

I am not going to get to the revision of this for a long, long time. If ever. So I'm just cleaning up my profile for now.

I apologize for not really being around or updating as often as I'd like. My compy died, then my wife's laptop's power supply died, and I only recently got a replacement power supply for the POS. But y'all prolly don't care too much.


	16. Madness Spiral, Naruto, Uzumaki

Madness Spiral

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto is the purveyor of "Naruto", whereas Junji Ito created "Uzumaki".

* * *

Finally! A sign of weakness! The fox could feel that she was weakened. He didn't know why, he didn't know how. Nor did he care. She was weak! He could finally kill her, eliminating the bloodline that was the bane of his kind forever!

The Kitsune no Kyubi, the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox of the Bijuu (the great Tailed Beasts), chuckled darkly as he advanced on Konoha, intent on destroying _her_.

* * *

Uzumaki Kushina never would have placed herself in this position had her half-brother never been killed by the Yonbi in a stroke of bad luck. It was up to her to continue the Uzumaki bloodline for the idiot demons, the Bijuu, still existed.

Right now, she was pregnant and going into labor. Because of her bloodline, she would not survive birthing the child. But the child would be strong. She made sure of that. The Namikaze bloodline did not have any special abilities, just general strength and endurance. That was why she had gone to live with Minato, the Yondaime Hokage of Konoha. She hoped that the epistle she sent her father would find him and let him where to find her child, so that her baby would be properly trained in the powers of the Uzumaki bloodline.

It was painful, but she could feel the child within her, writhing as the contractions became more intense and more frequent. Then she felt it: the umbilical cord had wrapped around her baby's throat. That would certainly complicate the child's birth. She used her powers to loosen the cord and unwrap it, despite the fact that she felt the urging for it to coil more tightly. Survival instincts also demanded that she kill the child, for she knew that she would die. She resisted those as well.

* * *

"K-Kushina!" exclaimed the Yondaime, knowing that the love of his life was dying. Behind him sat the Sandaime, his face worried and grim.

"M-Minato... it'll be al... alright. I know... my f-fate. But our... ch-child... w-will be... st-str-strong." She then felt a familiar feeling. A Bijuu was approaching. "Mina... Minato."

"Yes," answered the Yondaime. He leaned in close to hear his lover's words.

"A Bi... Bijuu is coming," she said. "Protect... our ch-child fr-fr-from it..."

At these words, the Sandaime disappeared, to rally the village against the demon, against all hope.

"But, Kushina?" cried Minato. "How can I do that?"

Before she screamed out with her final contractions, placing the baby boy into the medic-nin's waiting hands, she uttered two words: "Seal it."

The baby was born healthy and screaming, but the mother lay there, lifeless.

Minato's soul ached. First he fell in love with her, though her stoic nature turned many away. Then, after her half-brother had died due to circumstances he was not privy to, she turned to him for comfort. Because of his many enemies, they did not have a wedding, for even the most secretive ceremony would have been discovered. And finally, within a year she was pregnant, only to die in childbirth.

Now he had to seal the Bijuu, whom an ANBU arrived to inform him was the Kyubi, in order to protect his son, the only thing he had left of his darling Kushina.

But how? The Shiki Fuujin (Dead Spirit Sealing Method) was great seal, but even one that powerful would only slow the fox down, AND he'd die from using it anyway so it'd have to be sealed in another person. He'd have to seal it within a child to avoid killing the host and unleashing the demon from its prison so soon after the sealing. Not just any child either, an infant.

Minato ran a hand through his blonde hair while he held his child in his other hand. He couldn't, and wouldn't, ask anyone to give up their child to be a Jinchuuriki, the container for a demon. It would have to be the very child who was born this morning, the one he currently held.

He'd need to spend the whole day just preparing the seals. He ordered the medic-nin to inform the Third Hokage that they only need to hold the demon off until midnight at the latest. He also wanted the medic-nin to inform the Sandaime that he had a plan that was bound to work.

He went to work, writing the seals that composed the Shiki Fuujin as well as a companion set of seals to cause his child to gain benefits from the demon fox: Hakke no Fuuin Shiki with the Shishou Fuuin (Eight Divine Signs Sealing with the Four Image Sealing).

* * *

The Third Hokage sighed. Seems that human nature had once again prevailed over common sense. The idiot sheep that made up his Hidden Village, as well as the moronic shepherds better known as ninja, all wanted the blood of Uzumaki Naruto. They wanted him dead, even though the boy's existence was what had saved them. Foolish beings, all of them.

So the Hokage had passed a law, preventing people from being able to kill the boy, as well as passing another that no one may speak of the Kyubi and Naruto in the same breath except to those that already knew.

* * *

A gnarled old man was seen walking northeast, towards Konoha. He had on a dark brown robe with a black cloak. On the back of the cloak, a silver double-spiral was embroidered. He had a weathered face and long, grayish-white hair. His walk was aided by a cane. Instead of a hook on the end of the cane, it was a spiral, and the straight shaft that reached the ground was twisted and had spirals etched onto it. He looked like an eccentric old man, until you saw his eyes.

Two pitiless azure pools shifted constantly, always on the alert for danger. The man, though old, carried himself with the grace of a predator.

Unfortunately for the mercenaries under the employ of one of the rebel factions in Rain Country they missed all these visual clues.

"Trying to escape to Fire, eh?" asked one of them, sneering at the elderly man.

"I can assure you," began the old man far too softly. "escape is not my plan. Move aside."

The mercenaries laughed. Some of the samurai drew their swords. The ninja from various villages drew their weapons and prepared jutsu.

"We don't like it when people get out of our turf. It's as if you 'refugees' don't even like us. You're going to stay, regardless of whether or not you're alive to do so. Make your choice: life or death?"

Slowly, the old man looked around himself. He could feel the presence of twenty of them, and _they_ were letting him know that there were four more that had cloaked their chakra signatures perfectly. He then turned back to the man who had been ordering him around.

"I choose both," he whispered very softly. However, everyone could hear it. It was as if their own _ears_ had spoken the words to them.

That was when the killing began.

* * *

Five minutes later, the old man continued on, ignoring _their_ demands for blood and more death and other such dark things. He was quite practiced in ignoring _them_ when _they_ were excited.

He left the mangled, twisted bodies of the mercenaries behind, their limbs and spines twisted and coiled unnaturally. Their weapons were similarly twisted. Some of the men had been strangled to death by their own hair. The trees, grass, and other plants were also twisted and coiled.

If anyone were to look upon the scene, they'd think they had seen some sort of morbid modern art with a _spiral_ theme. If they were from one of the many powers that vied for position in Rain Country, they would be instantly reminded that the southern half of the country used to be Whirlpool Country, before it was conquered by Rain eight years previously. The site would soon be regarded as a haunting ground for the vengeful ghosts of Whirlpool, and would be avoided no matter what it came down to.

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto, the container for the Kyubi, had turned four years old when the gnarled old man arrived in the village. The old man requested an audience with the Hokage, for he was searching for his daughter and grandchild. The ANBU who greeted him felt something was off, but he was granted audience anyway.

The gnarled old man entered the office of the Sandaime Hokage, a similarly gnarled old man. The Hokage was going bald and was loosing most of his body fat. He had become scrawny with age, but he was by no means less deadly.

The two old men locked eyes, gauging each other. The newcomer smiled slightly, as if he approved of what he had seen. The Hokage, on the other hand, was very nervous for he knew that the stranger was powerful, Kage-level even, but he couldn't tell exactly _how_ powerful the newcomer was.

"Greetings," said the Fire Shadow. "I am the Sandaime Hokage. Welcome to Konoha."

"Thank you," spoke the other man, his voice hollow but resonating with immense strength. "I am Uzumaki Rasen; I am here to find out the fate that my daughter and her child were subjected to when I lost track of them four years ago."

"U-Uzumaki?" stuttered the Hokage.

"The same. Kushina was such a beautiful girl, if a bit cold towards other people. She told me she had gotten pregnant... is she alright?"

The Hokage considered his options for the moment. "No. She died giving birth," he said guardedly.

"I see. Her mother also died in labor. Well, surely the father is taking care of the child?"

"He died in the Kyubi attack."

"My condolences," said Rasen as he bowed his head in respect for the dead. "A Bijuu attack is always very catastrophic."

The Hokage didn't like where the conversation was going, so he puffed his pipe three times in succession. ANBU hidden in the room began to silently prepare their weapons for an attack.

"Call them off," said Rasen in a condescending tone. "I mean no harm to this village or anyone in it. But I will kill all nine of the Black Ops. ninja you have hiding in this room if I have to defend myself."

The Sandaime's pipe hit the desk when his jaw slackened. How did he know they were there! The Third Hokage had trouble sensing them himself.

"I am only here by request of my late daughter to oversee the training of the young Uzumaki in his Kekkei Genkai."

If the Hokage thought his jaw had dropped as far as it would go, he was wrong.

"I see. You are unaware of the child's bloodline?"

The Hokage quickly collected himself and put fresh tobacco into his pipe. He lit it to calm his nerves.

"Yes, I am not privy to its status as a carrier of a Kekkei Genkai."

"The Uzumaki Clan of Whirlpool Country always was a small clan, but their powers are immense."

The Hokage knew of the fall of Whirlpool, but he caught the usage of both past and present tenses in Rasen's comment. Before he could question the fellow elderly man, he continued.

"I see you recognized me using two different tenses. The Uzumakis have always been small in number, and we still are. We have always had the most powerful bloodline, surpassing even the doujutsu bloodlines, and we still do. My grandchild and I are the last two left alive."

"What does your bloodline do?"

"First of all, the bloodline is named after our clan, Uzumaki. Spiral. We have power over spirals. Since spirals are the simplest and most common of all patterns in nature, this seemingly small power is quite strong. However, side-effects are madness, bloodlust, wrathfulness, and ultimately suicide. Which brings me to the point of my visit. I must train the child in his or her bloodline so that he or she does not kill everyone around him or her."

"I understand, but exactly how powerful is the bloodline?"

"Even the most powerful shinobi and kunoichi can only knock a Bijuu out or seal it within something. We Uzumakis can kill it and walk away from the fight. I lost my son, Shinji, to the Yonbi through a fluke. Which brings me to my next question: where is the Kyubi?"

"Jailed within a Jinchuuriki," replied the Sandaime guardedly again. Rasen's condescending tone and his hollow voice did not inspire trust.

"Within my grandchild I suppose," remarked Rasen. "Only makes sense because Kushina did mention that her child was Namikaze Minato's child in her last letter. In code, of course. And knowing what I know about Namikaze, he was the Yondaime Hokage and the Yellow Flash of Konoha, correct?"

The Hokage was angry. This utter stranger had just leaked sensitive information to nine members of his ANBU, and it was only a matter of time before word got out. But he was stilled by the soft chuckle that Rasen made at his reaction.

"Don't worry. I've silenced the ears of everyone around us so that they could not hear, and I guarded my lip movements so that they could not read them. Please, what is my grandchild's name?"

"Naruto," breathed out the Hokage in relief. "His name is Naruto."

"Ah, so she bore a son? Most interesting. When may I see the legacy of my clan?"

* * *

Rasen saw the orphanage. A rather decent place. Modest, actually. His opinion of Konoha rose a notch. But then he saw how the people who ran the orphanage sneered at Naruto. He noticed that Naruto was practically shunned by all the other children there. Rasen's mood darkened slightly. _They_ were urging him towards a slaughter, but he ignored _them_.

Naruto had his father's blonde hair, but his mother's eyes. Rasen's eyes. Those azure pools of infinity were a mark of the Uzumaki bloodline. Rasen could sense the seal on Naruto's stomach. He could feel the demon slumbering inside its prison. Things had gotten so much more interesting, because from what _they_ were telling him, Naruto would eventually be able to use the demon's chakra. Most interesting indeed.

Rasen put in for him to gain custody of Naruto, but the approval of the Konoha Council was required to adopt him.

* * *

Rasen sat in the middle of the council chamber, a circular room with seats for the council members raised above the central area. The old Uzumaki recognized those from the Uchiha and Hyuga clans, as well as Aburame, Akimichi, Nara, Yamanaka, Haruno, Inuzuka, and several other minor clans.

The Hokage warned Rasen that the battle for Naruto's custody would be mostly uphill. The one Rasen most needed to look out for was Danzou, a leader on the council and a war hawk. Rasen felt he was appropriately prepared.

"Why should we allow you custody of... the... of Uzumaki Naruto?"

"First of all," Rasen said quietly, though everyone in the chamber still heard it. "I already know that the Kyubi has been sealed within Naruto. Second, I am his only living blood relative; his mother was my daughter. Third, Naruto has a powerful and dangerous bloodline that he must be trained in else he will go on a rampage soon."

"Liar," calmly countered Uchiha Fugaku, head of the Uchiha Clan. "There is no bloodline in the demon brat."

"The Uzumaki kekkei genkai originated in Whirlpool Country, hence the country's name. There was more to the name than just the fact that there were a lot of whirlpools in the rivers and lakes there."

"Assuming you and Naruto share a bloodline limit," began Danzou, silencing the other members of the council. "I would be willing to welcome you into the village."

"Good that someone sees reason," muttered Rasen. This time, no one heard it. He continued speaking softly again. "I will do whatever it takes to prove that I have a bloodline limit so that I may gain custody of my grandson, Naruto."

"I have an idea," proposed Hyuga Hiashi, head of the Hyuga Clan. "How about a duel with the head of another kekkei genkai clan?"

"I agree," concurred Fugaku.

"Very well. I will fight the heads of both the Hyuga and the Uchiha clans at the same time to prove my bloodline."

"That was not the deal," stated Danzou.

"No, but do humor this old man in his willingness to show off."

"Very well," said the Hokage sadly. "Assuming Uzumaki Rasen wins his fight against Uchiha Fugaku and Hyuga Hiashi, he gains custody of Uzumaki Naruto. All votes for?" A resounding chorus of "ayes" answered him. "And opposed?" Silence. "The fight will begin tomorrow in Training Field 42 at ten in the morning."

* * *

Rasen faced off against Hiashi and Fugaku. Rasen had removed his cloak, but kept his robe on, revealing another silver-embroidered double-spiral on his back. He still held on to his cane.

The whole Council was present to watch.

"Begin," called out the Hokage.

Hiashi held back to make observations about his opponent while Fugaku charged in, the three tomoe in each of his Sharingan eyes spinning wildly. Rasen locked eyes with Fugaku and the Uchiha stopped.

"What have you done to me! I can't see!" screamed the head of the Uchiha Clan.

Rasen lifted his cane and pointed it at Fugaku. The shaft twisted, extending itself quite rapidly and hitting Fugaku square in the chest. The Uchiha was catapulted backwards.

"You should be able to see now," said the Uzumaki, condescendingly.

Fugaku got up and glared at Rasen. Then he glared at Hiashi.

"No point in being mad at me," commented the head of the Hyuga. "I am merely observing him so that I might spy a weakness."

The Uchiha muttered something about idiot pompous Hyugas and where they can stick their Juuken techniques. He then formed several hand seals.

"Goukakyuu no jutsu!" (Grand Fireball no jutsu)

As the fireball raced towards Rasen, the old man inhaled. When he exhaled, a tornado of wind was formed. The rapidly flowing air snuffed out the gigantic ball of flame like a gentle breeze would a candle. Then the tornado continued towards the two clan heads. Hiashi dove right and Fugaku dove left. The tornado missed, but Rasen wasn't finished. His cane extended again and he managed to peg Hiashi in the side of the head with it. It knocked the Hyuga out of the air as he attempted to dive away from the tornado.

Each deciding to attack the Uzumaki from a different angle, the two clan heads charged. Rasen threw his cane to the side. He dodged Hiashi's Juuken and Fugaku's kunai by bending over backwards. Soon, Rasen was standing on his hands. He spun himself around and decked both clan heads in their craniums. He quickly flipped back onto his feet. Then his right arm did the strangest thing: it began to twist and coil. He nailed Fugaku in the solar plexus with a spinning fist, sending the Uchiha sprawling. Rasen's arm quickly straightened. Hiashi attempted to charge, only to find that the grass had somehow elongated and was trying to wrap around him. He Juukened several of them before he simply went into a Kaiten (Heavenly Spin) to obliterate the grass.

Rasen smirked and pointed at Hiashi's spinning form. Hiashi soon found that he couldn't stop spinning, and that he was spinning faster and faster. Unable to take the G-forces, the head of the Hyuga Clan soon passed out. Rasen stopped pointing at him in time to block Fugaku's roundhouse kick. In retaliation, Rasen's hair began curling. The hair lashed out at Fugaku. He was able to dodge the hair for several seconds before one lock managed to curl around his left leg. He found himself tossed like a rag doll towards a tree. He slumped to the ground after hitting it, unconscious.

"Winner: Uzumaki Rasen!" happily declared the Sandaime Hokage.

* * *

End.

Author's Notes

I really liked the idea behind this. But I can't get myself to write the second chapter. At all. I'm no good with horror.

Anyway, off to the Brain Dump with this. Maybe someone else can do something with it.


	17. Bait and Switch, Naruto, Princess Bride

Bait and Switch

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto created "Naruto". Everything else belongs to those who created them.

* * *

Naruto had finally decided, at the tender age of five, that he needed to enroll in the Ninja Academy. He would get paid a sum of money which he could put towards rent for an apartment and towards food.

Let's examine for a minute the reasons WHY he would need to do any of this. He was kicked out of the orphanage that he had been staying at only a week ago. No one would sell him food at a good price. In fact, no one would sell him anything at a good price unless they were selling him inferior items at premium prices.

And so it was with a heavy heart that he assumed the throne, but out of the... oh wait. Wrong story.

And so he enrolled in the Ninja Academy as it was his only option.

Later in the year, after all the scorn he received from his classmates, he celebrated his sixth birthday by running from the mob of drunken villagers. After they caught him and beat him within an inch of his life, he decided that he didn't like being hit. He didn't like it at all.

Soon, Naruto was taught the basics of the three basic jutsus. There was the Bunshin no jutsu (Clone no jutsu), the Henge no jutsu (Transformation no jutsu), and the Kawarimi no jutsu (Substitution no jutsu).

For the bunshin, Naruto was supposed to create one illusionary copy of himself, but he kept accidentally overloading the clone causing it to look obnoxiously different from himself. And he couldn't properly control the henge.

But the kawarimi... he showed a natural talent in this area as it was a jutsu that couldn't be overloaded. Also, dodging any attack seriously appealed to the blonde, so he determined that he would focus on this jutsu to make up for his deficiency in the other two basic jutsu.

At first, he could only switch with logs, rocks, chairs, or desks, but he practiced it everyday after school. Soon, he was able to switch with objects no smaller than a breadbox and no larger than a boulder and his switches produced very little smoke.

On his seventh birthday, he was able to avoid the mob for a whole hour longer before they caught up to him and kept him from making any hand seals.

He resolved to do better.

Within a few months, he could use the kawarimi without needing to use hand seals. Additionally, he was able to switch with objects as small as a shuriken and have there be no smoke whatsoever.

Soon, every person who ever assaulted him on his birthday found graffiti all over the insides of their houses as Naruto was able to break in simply by sliding a shuriken under their front doors and switching with it.

Naruto continued to practice and refine the kawarimi. Soon, he could do it with a thought and at greater distances from the object he was switching with than ever. And then his eighth birthday rolled around...

* * *

"Where is that brat!"

"Who knows!"

"There he is!"

"No he isn't! He's over there!"

"No, he's over there!"

"There he... wait, he's gone again!"

"Could he have learned to teleport?"

"It's probably just the Shunshin..." (Body Flicker)

"Impossible! He hasn't graduated from the Academy!"

"We should tell the Hokage!"

"BAKA!"

"OW!"

"If we told him that, how would we explain ourselves?"

"Yeah, I'm sure that he would be real understanding of the fact that we formed a lynch mob to hunt down that monster when we witnessed his disappearing act."

_Monster?__ Wonder what they're talking about..._

"Fool! You know the law!"

* * *

Needless to say, the next morning, all the members of the lynch mob found that their houses had been graffitied again. However, they were in a panic as every house had a single message all over rather than the random things from the previous year. The message read "the monster is annoyed with you" over and over again.

At the spot that they had witnessed Naruto's disappearing act, they found stones arranged in a spiral.

Naruto, on the other hand, had been summoned to the Hokage's office from the Academy.

"Naruto, I have reasons to suspect that you are the one responsible for the graffiti that has been found in several villagers' houses and for the spiral made of rocks found in the street this morning."

"Can you prove that I did it?"

"Well, no..."

"Then why am I here?"

"Because I am curious as to how you did it. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

"Kawarimi."

"What? The substitution jutsu? How can that be possible?"

"I can switch with objects as small as a pebble now."

The Hokage blinked.

"That's amazing..."

"I know. I wonder why no one else in the history of the village has bothered to master that jutsu."

"Wait, I thought that you were..."

"Refused admittance to the library? Yeah. Doesn't stop me from switching with a scroll to get inside at night."

"Well, about the message you put inside the houses..."

"I don't know why, but one of the members of the lynch mob from last night called me a monster. Why is that?"

The Hokage froze. He didn't know how to explain to the eight-year-old that he was the container for the Kyubi no Kitsune, the demon who attacked their village the day Naruto was born.

"Clammed up? Well, I suppose it's one of those things that I'll have to research on my own, though I suppose that all scrolls pertaining to the subject will have been removed from the library... Your stunned silence is very reassuring. Well, in that case, I'll be seeing you later, old man!"

With that, Naruto's form was suddenly replaced with a pencil.

* * *

By the end of the year, Naruto was finally able to do the henge relatively well (it still needed some work), though he continued to have trouble with the bunshin.

Over the next few years, Naruto continued to improve and was eventually able to switch one object with another rather than just himself with another object.

Any merchant that refused him good service would find their shop's walls covered in graffiti the next morning. The message was always the same: "the monster is annoyed with you". And Naruto would feign ignorance of the whole thing, though he would find the merchants to be nervously friendly to him. He seemed to always get discounts as well.

Never again did a lynch mob form on his birthday, especially since the morning after Naruto's birthday the former members of the mob found a single line painted on the inside of their door once: "the monster is pleased".

Two days after Naruto's eleventh birthday, the switching boy came across one of "those" shops...

* * *

_I don't remember seeing that shop there..._ thought the blonde.

"Powerful Items - by Mad Miracle Max" read the sign in some weird script that the boy was surprisingly able to read. On the door, in the same script, a "CLOSED - GO AWAY" sign hung.

Naruto switched with a fly that was resting on the top of the "building". All he saw behind the wall he was standing on was an empty alleyway. Confused, the switching boy hopped back down to the ground. Through the shop window he saw a veritable SUPERmarket full of random assorted goods as well as weapons, books, armor, and other such things.

Deciding to see whether this was an illusion or real, Naruto opened the door and entered. Suddenly, he heard an old man yelling from the back room as he came into the store proper, but not in a language he recognized.

"NO NO NO! Go away! Can't you see we're closed! AND... Oh? Run along, you little brat!"

"Nani?"

The old man looked confused, and then he looked out of the window. "VALERIE! THE SHOP MOVED AGAIN!"

What Naruto heard in response from the back room was more gibberish coming from an old woman, which he correctly assumed were curse words.

The old man opened a drawer behind the counter and removed an earring from it as well as a scarf. He put both on.

"Now," began the old man, who was suddenly understandable to Naruto. "What the HELL DO YOU WANT!"

"Um... to find out why this shop exists in an empty wall with no room behind it," replied the boy meekly.

"That's a new one," muttered the old man. Then he saw the look on Naruto's face and his features softened. "Look boy, I'm sorry, but where we came from we just had this store open for a sixteen-hour shift. But I'll tell you what, Val and I will whip something up so that you can come back in a few hours and still find the shop. VAL?"

Again, Naruto couldn't understand the old lady.

"I NEED A FREE SAMPLE OF NUMBER THREE-HUNDRED-SIXTY-ONE!"

More gibberish.

"DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT YOU WITCH!"

More gibberish, sounding even angrier. And it was getting louder as she walked up to the old man. But upon seeing the boy, her volume dropped. She even looked embarrassed.

"Don't worry, Val," said the old man. "He couldn't understand you unless you were wearing one of the Speaking Scarves, or if he were wearing a Translator Earring. Did you bring it?"

She handed him a chocolate.

"Good. Now boy-"

"My name's Uzumaki Naruto."

"Uzumaki being your family name?"

"Yeah."

"Great. We ended up either in Japan, or in some sort of really bad anime."

The old woman's gibberish sounded exasperated.

"Anyway, Mr. Uzumaki, if you eat this, you should be able to always find this shop again in its current location. But I'm not giving it to you for free. What do you have to offer?"

"Will this be enough? It's all I have on me at the moment." Naruto pulled out ten ryo.

"Ryo, eh? Just two ryo will do."

Naruto blinked, but he handed over the appropriate amount. He was given the chocolate in exchange. He ate it. Though the chocolate covering was delicious, the thing had a bitter juicy center that made him want to throw up, but he swallowed it anyway. Then, something occurred to him.

"Wait, you didn't just poison me, did you?"

"No. Why? Does that happen often?"

"At least once a month. It happened more frequently when I was younger."

"Do you have any relatives?" Valerie quickly put on an earring at this question.

"No, and they kicked me out of the orphanage when I was five."

The old man turned to Valerie. "He says that people have been trying to kill him since he was little."

Valerie looked horrified. She put on a scarf and then turned to Naruto.

"I'm sorry that you've had to experience such hardships," she began. "You'll always be welcome here!"

Naruto was shocked by her kindness. He was speechless.

"Wait, what?" asked the old man.

"Just look at him, Max! Malnourished, unloved, and he's already carrying weapons! He deserves a home!"

"Um... I have an apartment..."

"But you have to pay rent on it, don't you?"

"Yeah..."

"Then that should settle it!"

"Val, I think that you're getting too sentimental about this."

"Well, excuse me if Humperdinck hired a wizard to banish us into this shop because we helped the Dread Pirate Roberts to wreck the stuck-up prince's wedding!"

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU WITCH! I TOLD YOU TO NEVER AGAIN SAY THAT NAME!"

"Oh, shut it! You're just tired. Go to bed, or I will say Humperdinck at you again!"

Max harrumphed, but he left the room. Valerie turned to Naruto.

"Sorry about that. He gets grumpy when he's tired. How about you come back in ten hours?"

* * *

"Well, it seems that Naruto came back, Max!"

"Yeah yeah."

"So, are you moving in?"

"I'm afraid not. Living in a ninja village, word about the fact that I'm living somewhere other than my apartment might get around and you two might end up being tortured for answers."

The two old people blinked.

"I'll try to come by once a week though, okay?"

"Well, that works," muttered Max.

"N-ninja... v-village?" stuttered Valerie.

"Yeah, Konoha, the Hidden Village of Leaves in the Fire Country. Why?"

"Well, we definitely ended up in some sort of bad anime."

"N-ninja?"

"I think I broke her."

"Don't worry about it. What kinds of weapons do you use?"

"Kunai, like these, and shuriken, like these."

"Look at the horrible craftsmanship! That simply won't do! Here, give them to me. Alright, that'll count towards... How much did you spend on these, anyway?"

"V-village?"

"About 800 ryo."

"Well, Hell. I can't give you that much credit. You must have been overcharged."

"Evidently. Looks like I'm going to have to scare a few merchants..."

"N-ninja?"

"Don't bother. I'll give you... 530 ryo in in-store credit!" Max walked around from behind the counter. "Let's see what we can replace these with... Do follow me."

Naruto followed Max though the store. They came across the weaponry section.

"Throwing weapons, correct?"

"Yeah, that would be useful."

"Well, here's some." Max pulled down a box of five-pointed throwing stars with a hole in their centers. "Much higher quality than those four-pointed stars you used to have. You can have the box for... 120 ryo, bringing your remaining credit down to 410 ryo."

"Okay."

"And you need some knives like those... kunai, correct?"

"Yeah."

Max began rummaging through some of the boxes on the shelves.

"Shotgun shells? No. Stink pellets? No. Rocks? No. Wait, why do we have a box of rocks? Ah, oh well. BFG 9000 charges? Nope. Oh, here we go."

Max pulled down a box. It was filled with rows and rows of throwing knives. Each had a triangular hole in the pommel, similar to the eyelet in a kunai's pommel.

"Wow," said Naruto.

"Yeah. They're tougher than most weapons and they are etched with runes that return them to their owner. You can have the lot of them for 190 ryo, brining your credit down to 220 ryo."

"Cool!"

"Yeah. Now for a melee weapon."

"What?"

"Hey, you just may need it."

They went deeper into the weaponry section.

"Bastard sword? Too heavy and big, I think. Broadsword? No, still too big. Rapier? Useful only for stabbing and slicing, not for cutting and hacking. Katana? Seems a bit more up your alley, but it might be too big for you. Maybe when you're older. Kodachi? Hmm... here, hold this one."

Naruto took the short sword. It was about 23 inches in lenth and had a nine-inch hilt.

"Seems about right for you. But this is a low quality one. How much money you got on you at the moment?"

"Ninety ryo."

"Which means you have 310 ryo to spend..."

Absentmindedly, Max took the kodachi from Naruto and put it back on the rack. He turned the corner and went down an aisle. Naruto quickly followed. They were going down an aisle filled with various kodachi and wakizashi (a short sword designed to be used with a katana). Finally, Max stopped.

"I think this would be the best for you. It also happens to be the best in the house. For anyone else, I'd let it go for 350 ryo, but for you, I'll sell it for 300 ryo. Like the throwing knives in that box, it has runes that allow it to be returned to the owner. However, it is also made of a material called darksteel. This kodachi will never, ever break. Now, let me show you how to activate those runes."

An hour later, Naruto was leaving the store with a smile on his face and only ten ryo left in his pocket.

"I do believe I shot us in the foot, but I couldn't help it with that boy."

"V-village?"

"Oh, snap out of it!"

* * *

Naruto spent the rest of the Academy year learning how to use his sword and new throwing knives.

Like he promised, he visited Max and Valerie once a week. The money he saved on no longer needing to buy weaponry, he saved up to buy a couple of books from "Powerful Items". Also, Valerie taught him how to read better than they had taught him at the Academy. The two books he bought were called "Intermediate Shapeshifting" and "Advanced Fighting Techniques for the Kodachi".

Soon, he felt ready to take on his test for becoming a ninja. He could do the kawarimi exceptionally well. The henge he used had improved vastly from reading his book on shapeshifting. And he could produce... well, okay, his bunshin still wasn't up to par. Maybe he could pass with just the other two?

* * *

End.

Author's Notes

Nice idea. But I'm too busy with other stuff at the moment. Maybe someone else can work with this?

Basically, Naruto absolutely masters Kawarimi to the point that nothing can touch him. A later scene would be him dropping a building on his opponent in the Chuunin Exam Finals using a high-powered Kawarimi.


	18. Son of the White Fang ch1, Naruto, Ranma

Son of the White Fang

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Rumiko Takahashi is the creator of Ranma 1/2 and Masashi Kishimoto is the creator of Naruto.

Corollary: Basic/general knowledge of Ranma 1/2 might be necessary to understand this fic; however, I will try to explain things to the best of my ability.

Chapter One: Genin

* * *

Hatake Kakashi's new alarm clock quickly found itself assassinated with one of the kunai he kept under his pillow. He then got up and stretched his muscles. He then got ready for his day, leaving his small apartment only a half-hour after he had awakened. He walked at a leisurely pace, creating a single kagebunshin (shadow clone) and sending it to the Memorial Stone to pay his respects to Uchiha Obito and Rin; his best friends would understand.

This morning, he really needed to vent some frustration - frustration born from some of the dreams he had since Obito died. It wasn't about his friend - it was about a young taijutsu specialist who was sometimes a boy and sometimes a girl and had everyone out to get him/her, including fiancees and rivals. The worst part of it was... they were from the teenager's perspective, rather than from a third-person view.

Truly, the dreams were useful as he developed most of his secret jutsu from those dreams using only the physical half of chakra (ki), but they were often sad. The boy/girl, despite living in a country at peace, kept on getting attacked. He/she was totally clueless when it came to relationships. And the worst dream... fighting a phoenix to the death, and both of them dying from the battle.

Sighing, he went to one of the more secluded training grounds for his morning workout with one of his few living friends...

"YOSH! MY HIP RIVAL! ARE YOU READY TO TAKE ON A TEAM THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! WILL YOU IMPART THEM WITH YOUR -"

"Guy-san! Shut up. It's too early for your nonsense."

"Oh. Always with the hip attitude and -"

"Look, I want to get some aggression out."

"... Did you have one of the dreams again?"

"Yeah, but it wasn't about my teammates this time."

"Ah. The one about that pigtailed boy again. Okay, we'll begin."

Kakashi always enjoyed his morning spars with Might Guy (at least, when both of them were in the village). Guy was one of the few who knew that the "lazy cyclops" was actually a taijutsu genius and a hard worker, with quite a bit of talent in the area of ninjutsu. Guy was trying out a variation of the Goken (Strong Fist) which reminded Kakashi of Muay Thai. Kakashi was practicing the Keysi fighting method, in which instinct played a large part and mixed it with the style he saw the boy/girl in his dreams use, Musabetsu Kakutou (Indiscriminate Grappling a.k.a. Anything Goes). After a few hours, Kakashi's shadow clone shunshin'd (body flickered) into the area and dispelled. Guy and Kakashi separated after that, as Guy had a team to teach and Kakashi needed to get to the meeting about the new Genin-hopefuls.

Kakashi pulled out the newest edition of his favorite book series and began reading. Sure, the mindless sex scenes were great, but his favorite parts were the plot and the fact that the author had hidden various puzzles therein.

* * *

Kakashi knew that the Hokage would be mad at him if he was too late to the meeting, so he arrived only five minutes late rather than the customary hour-and-a-half. He took a spot near one of the windows, his left hand holding his omnipresent orange book while his right hand remained free to attack anyone who decided to use the window as an entry point to attack the Hokage. None were foolish enough to try, but the silver-haired Jounin's time in the ANBU made him a little paranoid about these things.

"Kakashi, I'm surprised," began Sarutobi Asuma, the elder of the Hokage's two sons who had taken up a spot on the other side of Kakashi's window. "You're only barely late today."

"Your father made it clear to me, in no uncertain terms, what would happen if I made him wait too long."

"Okay people! End the chit-chat!" voiced one of the Hokage's Chuunin aides from the Akimichi Clan.

"Thank you, Daichi-san," began the wizened old Sandaime Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen. "As you all know, the end of the current Academy term is nearing, and the heirs to a number of clans are graduating, assuming that they pass the test tomorrow. Posted on the wall behind me are the names of all the Genin-hopefuls in Umino Iruka's and Mizuki's graduating class; as you can see, there are sixty children who may soon become adults - ninja. I will allow each of you two requests on who you want to try and train, assuming that they pass both tests - a first choice and a second choice."

Asuma requested Nara Shikamaru, the heir to the Nara Clan, for he wanted someone to teach strategy to. Barring that, he wanted to train the heir to the Aburame Clan, one Shino.

Yuuhi Kurenai, a new Jounin whom everyone suspected was Asuma's "secret" girlfriend, requested Hyuuga Hinata, the heiress-apparent to the Hyuuga Clan, to nobody's surprise. Her second choice was Haruno Sakura, daughter of a pair of farmers, who probably would be excellent in genjutsu.

The other Jounin voiced their picks, Uchiha Sasuke, the last member of the tragic Uchiha Clan, being one of the more popular requests. Kakashi resisted the urge to roll his visible eye at that.

"Hatake-san, I have yet to hear your requests," stated the Hokage.

"Sorry, Hokage-sama; I was reading page three-hundred ninety one." The silver-haired shinobi smirked a bit when the Hokage had to wipe a bit of blood out from under his nose. Most of the kunoichi in the room glared at the both of them, while a couple of the shinobi in the room who read the books giggled softly and perversely. Kakashi ignored them.

"So, what are your picks?"

"First off, Uzumaki Naruto."

Some murmuring happened in the room. While none present hated the boy, he still wasn't popular and most had been pranked multiple times by the Jinchuuriki.

"Explain," requested the Sandaime.

"Well, he'd be fun to teach. Very unpredictable, and due to... circumstances, he'll have enough chakra to throw jutsu around like candy at a parade. Plus, due to his connection with the Yondaime through his seal, I think I'll have the best methods of motivating him for I watched my sensei train Rin, who had a great deal of chakra to throw around as well."

"Very well. I'll try to make that happen. And your second choice?"

"Inuzuka Kiba. I'll be able to pass along my tracking skills and possibly my Summoning Contract."

"Glad to hear it. All of you have the rest of the day off and I want you all to spend it wisely. Dismissed."

* * *

Kakashi spent the rest of the day reading various books - and not just the orange ones either! He had two Kage Bunshin (Shadow Clones) helping him read up on psychology and team dynamics, while he read up on ancient taijutsu styles and another shadow clone was reading the orange book.

Kakashi loved the Kage Bunshin for this purpose. Sure, it was a solid clone and could attack and use jutsu, but it split his chakra evenly amongst all the clones and himself. Though it took one hit to dispel it, the memories of the clone were transferred to the original. Great for spying, chakra training, and reading.

The day after found Kakashi hiding near the Ninja Academy, peering through a small spyglass to watch the Genin Exams. Uchiha Sasuke passed with no problems. Haruno Sakura was a little weak on the practical, but strong in chakra control and the knowledge-based portion. Nara Shikamaru did moderately well on both parts with Akimichi Chouji doing only a little better. Yamanaka Ino did fairly well, though Hyuuga Hinata surpassed her and nearly tied with Sakura. Aburame Shino came in second to Sasuke, doing rather well on the practical and chakra tests but acing the written portion. Just behind him was Inuzuka Kiba who had a higher practical score but an average written score. A number of other students had passed, bringing the grand total up to thirty two. Then, it was time for Uzumaki Naruto's turn...

Written, he didn't seem to do too well. Kakashi was fairly confused, because the boy HAD indeed been studying the books that the silver-haired Jounin had covertly lent him. Feeling something was wrong, he uncovered his Sharingan (Mirror Wheel Eye) and saw a subtle genjutsu had been placed over Naruto's test paper, temporarily changing the questions. Kakashi frowned.

_Looks like Hokage-sama needs to review the Chuunin instructors at the Academy..._

On the practical, Naruto did fairly well, though his form was positively sloppy... seems some of them had been teaching him wrong, if Mizuki's smirk was any indication. On the bright side, Umino Iruka looked like he was going to have an aneurysm due to the damage that some of Naruto's teachers had done to him. Well, assuming Kakashi was able to teach the boy, he'd have his work cut out for him.

On chakra control and jutsu... well, he kind of failed control but barely passed due to how much chakra he actually had. The leaf they had him stick to his forehead practically incinerated! Jutsu... Kawarimi (Body Replacement) was a little slow but still passed. Henge (Transformation) Kakashi had thought he might fail on, due to how much chakra he could see the boy pour into it with his Sharingan. But he passed. Wait... Henge was a genjutsu! Kakashi should still be able to see Naruto's real body inside the chakra construct that Henge was supposed to be... But, he couldn't see it... Realization hit him like Guy doing a Dynamic Entry to his head.

_He _actually_ transformed! He developed a variation of the jutsu allowing him to actually change forms! And that was despite, or perhaps because of, the way he was mistaught!_

Kakashi was positively giddy with excitement. Naruto was a genius! Possibly a savant, if his attitude was not a mask of some sort. But what happened next made Kakashi frown. The boy tried to make a Bunshin (Clone), a genjutsu used to distract opponents by making it appear as if there were multiple copies of him, but he overloaded it with chakra, making it look sickly.

Kakashi sighed as Iruka regretfully told Naruto that he had failed. Again.

Covering up his Sharingan and putting his spyglass away, the Jounin laid back and watched the wind blow through the trees in the small copse near the Academy. He sighed as he thought about what to do.

* * *

Later that night, using one of the stealth moves developed from one of his dreams about the boy/girl with the pigtail called the Umisenken: Goshin Dai Ryuusei Fu (Ocean of One-Thousand Fists: Self-Protection - Great Shooting Star Cloth) to hide his presence and chakra to check on Naruto as he had seen Mizuki talk with the boy.

He followed the boy to the Hokage Tower, curious as to why he'd be trying to sneak in. As he watched, the boy's stealth techniques were ingenious! No wonder the boy pranked the ANBU Headquarters on a regular basis - he did it to practice his skills!

Kakashi watched as Naruto managed to slip the Kinjutsu Scroll (Forbidden Jutsu) off of it's rack and place a couple of weights on it to keep the pressure sensors from going off. The boy obviously had some talent in infiltration and spying. The Jounin nearly lost his concentration trying to keep from laughing when the blonde used his advanced Henge to turn into a nude woman to make the Hokage pass out from perversion.

Kakashi followed the blonde to a small shack in Training Area 42 where the boy began thinking out loud about "how cool it's going to be to learn a jutsu" from the scroll and use it to pass the Genin Exam. He mumbled something about a make-up test... Hmmm... Well, the boy had been lied to by Mizuki, apparently.

Kakashi watched as the boy complained about how the first jutsu was a variation of the Bunshin. The Jounin rolled his eye, but stayed alert as the blonde tried to learn it. As he watched, Naruto did some of the hand seals backwards... indicating that the boy might be dyslexic. Not a problem though. He'll just learn that he did it the wrong way. Still, Kakashi uncovered his Sharingan to watch the chakra flow and see if he was doing that wrong too.

Annoyed that the jutsu wasn't working, Naruto simply made the final seal, backwards, and yelled Kage Bunshin at the top of his lungs...

Kakashi was flabbergasted. Not only did the jutsu work, but he made fifty clones in one shot! And they were the real clones, too!

Exhausted and happy, Naruto dispelled his clones. The Jounin's eyes widened as he saw most of the chakra from the clones return to the original... The Kage Bunshin didn't do that! Once the clones dispelled, the chakra was gone! Realization hit him again...

_He's a genius at jutsu creation and modification! ... well, that, or it was a total fluke.  
_

Just as Naruto was about to open the scroll again to look up another jutsu, Iruka shunshin'd into the clearing.

"Na-Ru-TO!" he growled.

"GAH! Iruka-sensei! I found you!" smiled the blonde after his initial surprise.

"Huh? No you idiot! I found you! What are you doing out here!"

"I'm training! This is for the make-up test, though I was only able to learn one jutsu from the scroll... does that mean I pass?"

Iruka blinked. "What make-up test?"

"Mizuki-sensei said that there was a make-up test that-"

Iruka shoved Naruto out of the way of a barrage of kunai and shuriken, looking like a pincushion for his efforts.

"IRUKA-SENSEI!"

Mizuki's laugh permeated the area as Naruto clutched the scroll for comfort.

Kakashi's anger grew as Mizuki claimed that Naruto was the Kyuubi, the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox that had attacked Konoha the day Naruto was born. Mizuki then threw one of his overly-large shuriken at Naruto, who was too shaken up to dodge. Kakashi was about to leap into the fray when Iruka blocked the projectile with his body. Kakashi realized that it had just missed his spine and kidneys, imbedding itself into his digestional tract from behind. Kakashi's anger peaked as Mizuki removed his other shuriken from his back to attack the both of them with, and that's when the Copy Ninja made his move.

Iruka had resigned himself to death while Naruto refused to leave his teacher, who was more of an older brother, behind. Both were surprised to see Mizuki impaled on a kunai held by another man with silver hair.

Mizuki coughed up a little blood while Kakashi spoke.

"Chuunin Mizuki. For the crimes of tricking an innocent child into stealing a valuable heirloom, premeditated murder, assault on a fellow Konoha ninja, and speaking of this village's greatest S-Class secret, even if you got the facts wrong, your sentence is death, to be carried out immediately."

A second kunai found itself lodged into the back of Mizuki's neck, severing the spine and killing him instantly. Dropping the body to the ground, Kakashi turned an appraised Iruka, before removing the giant shuriken and putting some field gauze (taken from one of the storage scrolls in one of the vest pockets on Kakashi's person) on the wound.

"Uzumaki, I need you to hold this bandage in place while I remove the kunai and shuriken from Chuunin Umino."

"H-hai," replied Naruto, nervous about this strange ninja.

"Thanks, Naruto, Hatake-san."

Kakashi saw that Naruto's eyes narrowed a bit, letting the man know that the boy was filing the information away for later use or study.

Once Iruka was properly bandaged, Kakashi suggested going to the hospital to get the medics to work on him properly. Iruka agreed, but not before giving Naruto his hitai-ate (forehead protector) after he told the boy that he wasn't the fox, merely it's container.

When Iruka was safely checked-in, Kakashi and Naruto walked the rest of the way to the Hokage Tower, the alarm no longer running. Apparently, the Hokage had found Naruto with his crystal ball and had watched the proceedings. Kakashi was brought out of his musings by Naruto suddenly breaking the silence.

"H-Hatake... Is it true that I have the fox in me?"

"And why didn't you believe Iruka when he told you?"

"It... it is just too much. It makes sense, especially with how people treat me, but it makes too much sense. The idea is horrifying..."

"Uzumaki, stop. Before you go any further down that train of thought, let me ask you something."

The blonde nodded.

"You know that the Yondaime Hokage, Namikaze Minato, was a genius when it came to seals, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"He developed your seal so that the fox would be trapped within, unable to influence you or escape in any way unless _you_ let it out. The Yondaime knew your late parents, and believed that you would be a lot like them, and trusted that you could and would contain the Kyuubi while the seal slowly sapped it of its strength and gave it to you. This way, the Kyuubi would never be able to attack anyone ever again."

Naruto stared at the Jounin with hope in his eyes.

"Now come along, Uzumaki. We'll report to the Hokage and you can go to bed, as your final class at the Academy starts early tomorrow."

Naruto grinned, truly happy and very ecstatic about the fact that he had actually passed, despite everything!

* * *

The Hokage sighed as he tried to fix the Genin Team Placements. When Naruto passed, that actually evened everything out, so he had to cancel the placement for a random Chuunin to be on the same team as Uchiha Sasuke, to better protect the boy.

Let's see, a number of the Jounins would be able to get their first picks, specifically Asuma, Kurenai, and Kakashi. Now to balance things out... Hmmm...

Well, though the Council wanted Sasuke to be trained by Kakashi, the Uchiha's last psych evaluation wasn't too good. Having such an instructor would make things difficult as the boy would probably demand that he, and only he, get trained. Better put him on Team Kurenai with Hinata. Since he was breaking tradition, he went and put Sakura on Team Asuma, along with Shikamaru and Chouji; while making the team less about capture and containment, it made the team a bit more versatile. Besides, the girl could get some mentoring on the side from Kurenai. That left him with three more Genin to throw around.

Well, better put Yamanaka Ino on Team Kakashi, so that the genders remained fairly balanced. Adding Kiba to Team Kurenai would cause said team to be taijutsu-heavy, but capable of spying, tracking, and fire support. That left Aburame Shino with Team Kakashi, making his team fairly well-balanced with tracking, interrogation, front-line support, and infiltration.

Yes. Yes. That would do nicely.

* * *

The next day found Kakashi sitting in an empty classroom adjacent to Iruka's classroom, finishing the latest edition of the orange-covered Icha Icha series: Icha Icha Paradise. He was also listening to Ino and Naruto complain about one thing or another while they tried to get Shino to join in their conversation.

Once he was finished, making himself two-hours late, just to mess with his new team, he exited the room and went next door.

He knew it was coming, but he didn't care. He simply blinked when the chalkboard eraser landed on his head after he opened the door. He removed it and looked at the three Genin who looked shocked. Two of them were surprised that their sensei would let himself fall for a prank and Naruto because he recognized the teacher.

"You-! I knew it was you when they said who the instructor was!"

"Hmm... Well, my first impression... two of you are idiots. The Aburame is only slightly better. Meet on the roof in five minutes."

With that, Kakashi shunshin'd to the roof.

* * *

"Well, I think we should get to know each other better first. Introductions please."

"Sensei," began Ino. "Why don't you go first so you can show us how it is done?"

"Fine. I am Jounin Hatake Kakashi. I like to read... I hate traitors. My hobbies? Meh. I'll maybe tell you later. Dreams for the future or ambitions... well, I have none at the moment."

Kakashi smirked as the two blondes on his team growled in frustration as he had told them only two things about himself.

"Okay. Purple-skirt, you're up."

Ino scowled a bit at the nickname, but she responded immediately.

"My name is Yamanaka Ino. I like working at my mom's floral shop, Sasuke-kun, and romance novels. I hate Billboard-Head Sakura, lazy people, and fatty foods. My dream is to marry Sasuke-kun and have lots of kids."

_Oh Kami-sama! I got stuck with a fangirl! Well, at least she's not totally helpless. Maybe some tutoring with Anko will do her some good..._ Kakashi inwardly smirked at the thought.

"Bugman, you're up."

Shino didn't indicate whether he cared one way or the other about his nickname.

"I am Aburame Shino. I enjoy insects and collecting new specimens. I also enjoy training. I dislike the cold, irrational behavior, and frogs and birds. My ambition is to bring my clan to new heights and perhaps convince the citizens of Konoha to stop scorning my clan."

_He'll probably be the smartest of the three. Plus, he'll likely get along with Naruto, or at least Naruto will be able to identify with him a bit._

"Uzumaki. Your turn."

Ino glared at Kakashi for not giving Naruto a nickname. Kakashi smirked.

"I am Uzumaki Naruto! I like ramen, Sakura-chan, and training! I dislike traitors and waiting for instant-cup ramen to cook!"

"Naruto!" exclaimed Ino, exasperated. "It only takes two or three minutes!"

"That's too long! It should be 'instant' like the label says! Stupid false advertising..."

Kakashi cleared his throat. Naruto had the dignity to look ashamed.

"My dream is to become Hokage to force people to acknowledge my existence."

The Jounin found the dream amusing, but if anyone could do it, it would be Naruto.

"Okay. Well, that does it for today. Tomorrow, we'll have your actual test."

"Wait," began Ino. "Didn't we just take a test! We're Genin now!"

"Not if I say you aren't. You may have passed the Academy test, but you haven't passed _my_ test. Fail, and you'll get sent back to the Academy. Succeed, and I'll recognize you three as members of my team. You'll meet tomorrow at four in the morning at Training Area 33. And don't eat breakfast - you'll just throw it back up."

With that, Kakashi shunshin'd to a different building and used his spyglass to see what his students would do.

Ino left immediately, presumably to chase after Sasuke for a bit.

Naruto extended his hand to Shino.

"What, Uzumaki-san?"

"Well, the civilians hate me too, just like they hate your clan. I thought that maybe we could be friends?"

Shino raised his eyebrow, but he grasped the hand firmly and shook it.

"I'm not sure if you would enjoy it, but would you like to come to my home? We could train, and perhaps plan for tomorrow's test."

"You really think I can?"

Shino nodded, causing Naruto to leap into the air in excitement and Kakashi to smirk. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

* * *

End Chapter One.

Next Chapter: Bell test. What did you think came next?

Author's Notes

I am simply too busy to work on this. Rather than see it die, I'd like to see someone work with this. Hence the Brain Dump.


	19. SotWF ch2

Son of the White Fang

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Always make sure your drinking buddy isn't an inborn master of Suiken (Drunken Fist).

Chapter Two: Ding

* * *

Guy found his "Eternal Rival" fuming over a bottle of sake in the bar they regularly visited. Realizing that Kakashi was really peeved, he decided to simply find out what had happened that morning rather than introduce himself with his usual boasting about "youth" and "springtime". Ordering a beer, he sat across from his cyclopean friend.

"Mind telling me what happened today? They didn't fail your bell test, did they?"

"No," mused Kakashi just after taking a quick sip around his mask, not allowing anyone to see his face. "They passed, but barely. That's what's got me pissed. Two of them are total idiots and it took most of the morning for the third one to figure it out. Uzumaki attacked me right off the bat with at least a hundred shadow clones which were easily dispatched with my Keysi style. Yamanaka was a little overenthusiastic about using her clan jutsu, so she missed with her mind control jutsu and incapacitated herself for about a half-hour. Aburame tried to attack me while I was busy so I punched him in the face only to learn he was a bug clone and the real him was making off with Yamanaka's body while Uzumaki continued to create more and more clones and try to dogpile me. Obviously, it failed."

"And you whipped him, eh?"

"Thousand Years of Pain has that effect. With how awkwardly Uzumaki was walking the rest of the day I was almost tempted to send him to the hospital to see a medic-nin well-versed in proctology, but I remembered his healing factor. He'll be fine."

"Kunai-version?"

"Without."

"Ah. No worries then."

"I tied both Yamanaka and Uzumaki to posts for their stupidity and then told Aburame to eat his lunch while I did some stretches in the next clearing for round two. Against my orders, he fed them food. While I would have normally turned someone in for insubordination, it showed that the Aburame got the idea. But the other two did not. Yet, anyway. Another fight, with them trying to work in concert, and Uzumaki managed to get both bells. He handed those to his teammates. I was able to pass them after that."

"And you're still angry at their unyouthfulness?"

"Yeah..." Kakashi suddenly stiffened. "Damn! She's coming!"

Guy looked a bit... startled. "She is?"

Kakashi created a shadow clone and left it behind while he ran outside, throwing a small wad of bills at the proprietor as he left. The owner of the bar, being a former ninja who had lost a leg, caught it easily.

"Well," began the clone. "Let's continue where we left off while the real me plays cat and mouse with Anko."

Guy nodded. "It is true that the youthful path of the ninja is fraught with perils."

Kakashi's clone's eye twitched as the image of a fat, balding, bespectacled man superimposed itself on Guy, and then turned into a panda.

"Guy? Never phrase it that way again!"

* * *

Kakashi made sure Anko would follow him by throwing a shuriken at her as he ran across the rooftops in the other direction. She easily caught it and threw it back, the silver-haired Jounin also catching it and returning it to his weapons pouch.

"Come back here, Kakashi!" she yelled.

"Nope. I don't think I will."

"I'm going to make you feel pain!"

"You'll have to catch me first!"

In response, she threw a couple snakes at him. He easily deflected them with his gloved hands and they dispelled, returning to wherever it was summons came from. It was then that he sprinted off, leading her on a merry chase. She smirked as she realized the direction he was heading in would quickly take them to her favorite place in all of Konoha...

* * *

"YOSH! TO INCREASE THE YOUTHFULNESS OF BOTH MY STUDENTS AND YOURS, I AGREE TO GIVE YOUR GENIN SQUAD ADDITIONAL TRAINING IN EXCHANGE FOR YOU TO TEACH MINE!"

"Geez, Guy! With the volume you shouted at, you could have ruptured my eardrums, dispelling me."

"Sorry. BUT THE FLAMES OF YOUTH WILL BURN BRIGHTLY!"

Poof.

"Eh heh... oops?"

* * *

Just inside the Forest of Death (officially known as Training Field 44) Kakashi stumbled as the memories of the clone he left with Guy slammed into his head. The feeling of pain in his eardrums, though only a phantom pain, was still enough to throw off his sense of balance and he missed the tree branch he had been aiming for. He plummeted towards the ground, trying to right himself so he could land on his feet, but it seemed he would simply land on his right side. He pumped chakra and ki into that side to reduce the impact to a negligible level.

It was then that he felt himself pinned to the ground, and suddenly on his back. He looked up to see Mitarashi Anko sitting on his stomach, grinning hungrily at him, but also a bit worried.

"What happened?" she asked.

"One of my shadow clones was painfully dispelled," replied Kakashi with a sigh. "It was an accident though. Guy got a little excited."

"Ah," she said, as she scooted a little further back so that she could rub her female area against his crotch. She then leaned down and simply lay on his stomach, rustling his hair with her hands. "That was a nasty trick you played on me this morning, Airen."

Kakashi smiled a bit, thankful that his girlfriend was in a similar situation to his own - she also had dreams of someone else who seemed to be in a relationship with the pigtailed boy/girl from his own dreams. He wrapped his arms around her back, just holding her close to him.

"Yeah, I suppose it was."

"Where did you find so much butterscotch pudding, anyway?"

"Probably the same market where you found all that salami you put in a bucket above the door to my apartment."

"Ah." She then giggled, thinking of how funny it was to see all the cats and dogs in Konohagakure no Sato trying to follow the infamous Copy Kakashi around town.

"I have a favor to ask of you," Kakashi said as Anko removed his mask.

"Go on," she said as she removed his second mask that was under the first, finally revealing his face. He looked a lot like his father, Sakumo, but also looked a lot like that boy in her dreams, that the girl she saw those dreams through called "Airen" (which was why she called Kakashi that in private).

"I want you to help me train my team, especially the Yamanaka girl they put on it."

She stopped and considered it. It could help prove to the Sandaime Hokage that she was capable of being a full-fledged Jounin, rather than a Special Jounin, by showing that she was capable of teaching Genin. She smiled and kissed Kakashi on the lips, forcing her tongue into his mouth. He returned the gesture and soon they were playing tonsil hockey. When she parted for breath, he asked her a question.

"I take it that was a yes?"

"Obviously."

* * *

Several hours of... "endurance" training with Anko later, Kakashi and Anko began to spar, both using the fighting styles and nintaijutsu hybrid moves (that used only the physical half of chakra, ki) that they had learned from their dreams to fight (Kakashi having helped Anko develop them when she began to have the dreams after Orochimaru fled the country).

Anko used the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken (Chestnuts Roasting in an Open Fire Fist) and Kakashi blocked using the same move. Then Kakashi tried for a roundhouse kick, but that was blocked when Anko used the Hidden Weapons technique to pull a shield out of her trench coat. As she placed the shield back into her Hidden Weapons space with one hand, her other shot forward holding a ki-reinforced naginata. Kakashi deflected it to the side with the small metal plate on the back of one of his gloves and shot forward to knee Anko in the stomach, which she barely caught using a chakra-reinforced hand.

They continued to spar for a full hour before stopping to rest (but only because Kakashi won), Kakashi's clothes having some tears and his skin being a bit lacerated. Anko, who was tied, upside-down, to a tree with ninja wire and an unrolled chakra-sapping scroll wrapping around her to keep her from using taijutsu, ninjutsu, or nintaijutsu, to break free, was fuming. Also, she had lost her trench coat (which Kakashi was holding).

"Do you concede defeat?" asked the cyclopean Jounin.

"Fine; you win. Now get me down!" Knowing that combat still wasn't her specialty but Kakashi excelled at it whereas she was perfect for torture, interrogation, infiltration, and assassination was still not the same as having a positive win-to-loss ratio against her cyclopean boyfriend.

Kakashi chuckled. "Certainly."

That made Kakashi have a score of seventy-three, whereas Anko only had twenty-two. And Anko was well aware of the fact that Guy had fifty against the grey-haired Jounin's forty-nine. Her score against Konoha's self-proclaimed "Blue Beast" was thirty-six to his thirty. The three ninja tended to help one another train when they could, and made games out of it. Obviously, they kept score.

* * *

The next morning, Kakashi showed up about an hour late at six-o-clock at the bridge he ordered his team to meet him at.

"YOU'RE LATE!" yelled both of the blonde Genin. Shino merely adjusted his sunglasses.

"So sorry, but this black cat crossed my path so I had to go the long way around..."

"LIAR!" accused Ino.

Kakashi ignored her in favor of figuring out what his Genin had been up to in the hour he hadn't been around.

"So... Bugman is the only one to have trained in my absence?"

"Huh?" retorted Ino.

"I didn't see Shino do anything..." muttered Naruto.

"That's because he was doing a chakra-control exercise - the leaf-sticking one to be exact. Except he was using it to keep a couple of shuriken stuck to his forearms and hidden in his long sleeves. Am I right, Bugman?"

Shino nodded.

"Now, after today's mission, we will train..."

"A mission! YATTA!"

"Uzumaki, calm down."

"What is it! Rescuing a princess! Defeating a bandit troupe!"

"What! With almost no training? No. Those would be C Rank or even B Rank missions. Besides, we have to do twenty D Rank missions before we are allowed to even think of getting a C Rank."

"So, what kind of mission is a D Rank mission?" asked Ino.

* * *

"HELPING AN OLD LADY DO HER GROCERY SHOPPING!" exclaimed the two blondes.

"Well, that is the mission the Hokage gave us," replied Kakashi, his nose in his favorite book.

"Sensei," began Shino. "Even I don't see the point in calling this a 'mission'. It is merely a chore."

"Once you get to my level, killing bandits is a chore," retorted the cyclopean Jounin. "Besides, do you three remember what I said yesterday? About looking underneath the underneath? After the mission is over, I'll find out from each of you what you thought the purpose of today's mission was."

* * *

Naruto was loaded with the heaviest of the food items (using the leaf-sticking exercise to carry more than his hands were used to), but Ino was forced to carry her fair share too. Still, Shino carried a load that was between the blondes' in weight, whereas Kakashi carried all the fragile stuff. They returned to the mission office to collect their payment, all the time his three students being rather quiet. Naruto seemed to be the most introspective.

Once they returned to their training ground, Kakashi made two shadow clones (Naruto's way) and each Kakashi took a student aside, out of hearing range of the others.

Ino had two theories as to why they took the mission; the first being that it was to train their diplomacy. The other was to strengthen their muscles.

Shino also thought that it was to train their diplomacy, but to also determine the roles that the individuals had on the squad - Naruto being the heavy assault. Shino had not quite figured out what he and Ino were for, exactly, but he assumed that Kakashi was for more delicate matters.

Naruto had several ideas. He also thought that it was to train diplomacy, but to also learn how to do bodyguard details in boring areas (he had been on the lookout for any nasty surprises, just in case Kakashi had decided to have someone attack). Muscle training was another theory of his, as was teamwork (as evidenced by Kakashi's bell test). His last theory was that Kakashi had been messing with them to try and test their critical thinking skills.

Kakashi got the three of them back together and dispelled his clones.

"Okay, so all three of you had guessed diplomacy. Purple-skirt and Uzumaki thought that it might be muscle training. Bugman thought that I was testing out what your combat roles might be. Uzumaki thought that I might have been testing your awareness or your teamwork. He also thought that I might have been pulling your legs to see if you can think of reasons why we might do such boring missions."

The three Genin nodded.

"The truth is, all those theories were correct."

The three Genin gaped at that.

"The remaining reason that none of you had even hinted at, though it was okay as we've only done one mission so far, was that the D Rank missions are to get you used to the vast number of different personalities that your clients may have, while doing so in a safe environment to prevent deaths."

Ino looked thoughtful, Shino looked... like he usually did, but Naruto's face had a look of understanding on it.

"So, now for training, I've enlisted the help of a Special Jounin to help you three learn what you need to."

Suddenly, a large dark shape shot into the clearing and suddenly spread out, showing a black banner. It was stuck to the ground by a pair of kunai and the two remaining corners were attached to ninja wire, which were attached to shuriken imbedded in a pair of trees. The banner read "Introducing the Lovely Mitarashi Anko, Age 24". Anko herself stood there wearing her short skirt, hitai-ate, fishnet shirt, and trench coat.

"So these are your maggots, Hatake-san?"

Ino, without thinking, blurted out: "He hired a prostitute?"

Kakashi palmed his face behind the banner while Anko bristled. She leapt forward to punch the blonde girl with a left hook, only to have Naruto leap in the way and take the hit. On reflex, Anko also caught Shino's wrist as he tried to stab her with a kunai. She kicked him in the stomach only to find that it was a bug clone. Her remaining leg was kicked out from under her by the prone Naruto. She rolled to the side to see that the boy had back-flipped, and was taking up a butchered academy taijutsu stance. The real Shino had taken Ino into a tree some distance to the right of Naruto, while the leftover bugs from his clone were trying to swarm at her.

Meanwhile, Kakashi had taken the banner down and neatly folded it.

"I applaud your teamwork, Bugman, Uzumaki. Purple-skirt, you need to learn discretion. Mitarashi-san is a Special Jounin with her specialties lying in torture, interrogation, infiltration, and assassination. Bugman, recall your swarm and come down here. Purple-skirt will have to take the punishment Mitarashi-san will give her, as she will be training her first in interrogation."

Ino swallowed hard at that.

* * *

While Ino and Anko were... training under a genjutsu that cancelled sound escaping the area they were in (to prevent the screams from getting out and disturbing the peace), Kakashi took the boys aside.

"Uzumaki, Bugman, you obviously know the leaf-sticking exercise. I will be teaching you both another chakra-control exercise - you will be learning how to climb trees."

Naruto, having gotten a bit wiser, kept his mouth shut. Shino adjusted his sunglasses again.

"You will be doing it without the use of your hands. Observe."

Kakashi walked right over to one of the trees and began to walk right up it, without pausing at all like it was simply part of the ground. He stopped while upside down on a branch.

"This is much like the leaf-sticking exercise, but you must do it through your feet. You must use enough chakra to keep yourself anchored to the tree, but not too much, or else the ambient chakra in the tree will react and the bark will expand violently. You must also exert a constant flow of chakra. Since channeling chakra through your feet is more difficult than through any other part of your body, mastering this exercise should, in theory, make learning any jutsu much easier."

Kakashi flipped back to the ground.

"Bugman should be able to get this within a day. Uzumaki, with your poor level of control I would expect you to get it no sooner than a month."

Naruto looked depressed at that.

"But you have an advantage that Shino does not, so I expect you to get it at about the same time he does."

"Kakashi-sensei?" both Genin asked in unison.

"Uzumaki, you have the Kagebunshin. When a shadow clone is dispelled, you receive its memories. This is great for scouting, as you don't need to worry about the scout coming back alive. It is also great for reading; as you will know what the clone knows when it dispels. Since chakra control is a mental exercise, you will reap the benefits of whatever your clones do. Create fifty clones and have them attempt the tree walking exercise while you also do so. In half an hour, you should dispel your clones and create fifty more. You will repeat this several times today. Each of you should use a kunai to mark your progress, though Uzumaki should not have his clones do so - we don't want to cut down the forest, ne? You may also want to use a running start, but it won't necessarily help. Begin."

Shino was able to go about six steps up the tree before he began to slip, and back-flipped, marking his progress on the tree. Fifty-one Narutos only made two or three steps before falling to the ground, either because the bark exploded or they just slipped off.

Kakashi created a shadow clone to watch their progress while he went to check and make sure his girlfriend hadn't killed Ino in the fifteen minutes he had left them alone.

* * *

The violent violette Special Jounin was fairly certain that the Academy's standards had declined in years - the blonde girl didn't even truly know the basics of seduction, nor what to do afterwards if the situation called for it! Flower arrangement? Tea ceremony! That's what they taught young kunoichi these days! Seems someone was, or still is, trying to sabotage the ninja ranks... She'd have to discuss it with the Hokage.

"Yo!" said Kakashi, startling Ino.

"You know," began Anko. "I have a feeling that someone sabotaged this girl's education. She's also got the wrong mindset to be a kunoichi."

"HEY!"

"Prove me wrong! What is your purpose in becoming a ninja!"

Ino's face went red with rage as she glared at the snake kunoichi.

Kakashi chuckled. "I'm surprised you haven't killed her yet, Mitarashi-san."

He had to quickly catch the kunai that Anko chucked at him on his blind side. Ignoring her, Kakashi turned to Ino, who was a little shocked to see the display of skill she had just seen.

"You said your goal was to marry the Uchiha, correct?"

Ino sheepishly nodded.

"You should forget it."

"WHAT!"

"Though he may be attractive and very talented, do you know what he broods about all day?"

"Uh... no?"

"I looked at his last psyche evaluation just before Hokage-sama had gathered the Jounin who wanted to take teams together. His mind is set on revenge, and he can't think about anything else, really. He wants to kill his older brother, the one who slaughtered his own clan, so badly that the revival of his clan doesn't even factor into it. And he HATES his fangirls. Best drop your current ambition."

Ino was sniffling a little, and her shoulders were drooped a bit. "But... can't somebody... help him?"

"You think Hokage-sama _hasn't_ tried?" asked Anko. "He's had the best psychologists, including your father, try and get him at least sociable, with barely any results. But no. The boy doesn't want to be helped. He thinks that everyone else will just slow him down."

Ino slumped to the ground. "What can I do?"

"Move on," replied Kakashi. "Study. Do what it takes to become an excellent kunoichi. Mitarashi-san is here to help you do that, as she is one of the most talented kunoichi of our age, but is held back in rank due to political reasons."

"Train," added Anko. "Research the human body and what can kill it. You are supposed to be a kunoichi - not a damsel in distress nor a hero. The way of the ninja is a dangerous one, and is never pretty. Your clan's jutsu deal with the mind - so study the mind."

"Do you know what our squad is supposed to specialize in?" asked Kakashi. At Ino's shake of the head, he continued. "Everything. Infiltration. Assassination. Spying. Tracking. Assault. Torture. Interrogation. Diplomacy. Weapons. Taijutsu. Ninjutsu. Genjutsu. Medical jutsu. Traps. Everything. Hokage-sama has high hopes for this squad, and he hopes you'll all be able to make ANBU. I hope for the same thing, which is why I am having what few friends I have left help me train the lot of you."

Ino nodded in understanding.

"Now," began Anko. "You've got to be more serious about being a kunoichi. Ask your father if you can study the Yamanaka library about psychology and human anatomy. I'll help you to create poisons, and we'll find a medic-nin who can start you off on those jutsu."

"We've got a lot of things that the Academy mis-taught you that we need to fix," added Kakashi. "But we'll have the best of the best be helping all three of you." He then turned to Anko. "Return to the main clearing in about an hour. I have the boys working on their control at the moment."

Anko nodded.

* * *

When Anko and Ino rejoined the others, one of Naruto's clones rushed over when he saw that Ino's eyes were a bit red and puffy.

"What's wrong?" asked the shadow clone.

"I don't want to talk about it," she replied.

"I hope you didn't do anything to her, you crazy woman!" he yelled at Anko.

She smirked. "I did nothing but make her see reality."

The clone frowned, but returned to his tree. Anko noticed that most of the clones were able to make it about halfway up the tree before they had to back-flip and land on the ground. Shino was about the same distance up the tree, if only a little ahead.

Kakashi walked over to explain what the exercise was and how to do it. Soon, Ino was going up the tree. She got higher than either of the boys on her first try, but Kakashi told her to keep going up and down the tree as much as she could. After he decided the exercise was over for the day, Kakashi told them that they had a standing order to practice tree walking or any other chakra-control exercise that they knew or could create while they waited to meet him in the morning. Of the three, Ino was the only one to have made it to the top, with Shino and Naruto being about tied for making it up about eighty-percent of the tree.

* * *

"Taijutsu is what we shall focus on next," said Kakashi. "Each of you will be learning at two ancient styles to supplement or replace what you already know. Bugman, you're up."

Shino walked forward until he was facing Anko and Kakashi.

"You will first be learning a style both of us know," said Anko. "Once you have learned enough of it, I will bring you a weapon that goes along with the style and we shall move to the other style."

"The name of the style is Silat," added Kakashi. "Its basic premise is to fight dirty. Take cheap shots. Go for vital areas. That sort of thing. If the ancient history scrolls are to be believed, it was developed by a nation of many small islands that had been invaded and attacked throughout most of its history. This is a killing style, but we will teach you some variants of it that will allow you to practice without killing your comrades."

"It also uses poisoned weaponry a lot. Since you are an Aburame, your insects can extract the venom if you accidentally harm an ally with said weaponry."

"Or if I harm myself," added Shino.

"Correct," replied Kakashi. "Another style you'll be learning is a really old style called Krabi Krabong. Swords and staves are major weaponry in it, though halberds, shields, and arm guards are also used. It was created in a jungle country that tended to be attacked without provocation. It is brutal, even without the use of chakra to aid you, making it perfect for an Aburame like yourself. It was used by a monarchy's bodyguards and requires extreme mental focus and placid emotions, especially so that you don't harm whomever you're sparring with but it also allows you to play mind games with a serious opponent, such as a ninja of superior skill that you must kill. Now go with Mitarashi-san - she'll get you started. Purple-skirt, you're up."

Ino walked forward.

"You'll be learning two styles that came from vastly different places. The first is Eskrima, developed in a similar island nation to that which Silat came from, though Eskrima is much older. It uses the same basic techniques whether you are unarmed, are holding a knife of some sort, or have a stick or metal rod. The islands where Eskrima came from had been invaded and conquered many times, but the people always fought back until they managed to assert their independence from everybody. The second comes from a large nation mostly covered in ice and snow, and was developed by a number of bodyguards. It is called Sambo and is based off of the idea of stealing an opponent's weapon and killing them with it."

Ino nodded as Kakashi created a shadow clone. The clone led her away to teach her the basics of Eskrima.

"Uzumaki, I will be teaching you two similar styles that should mold together quite easily. The first is one of my favorite styles - Keysi, developed in a country much like Fire Country, in that it tended to get involved in many different wars. It is based off of your fighting instincts and warrior spirit. You have a lot of spirit and determination, as well as decent instincts, so we have a lot of raw talent just waiting to be released from you. Keysi is also rather unpredictable, much like yourself."

Naruto grinned at that.

"The second style is called Krav-maga. It was developed by a very small nation surrounded on all sides by enemies. The basic principles are to fight according to your emotions and to disarm, seriously injure, or kill any threats that attack you or your friends and to get out of there as soon as you can afterward. Both styles tend to use anything available to their advantage. Due to your prankster nature, I'm sure you'll excel at these styles."

Naruto's grin became even wider.

* * *

Around five in the evening, after the vigorous taijutsu training, Kakashi called an end to their training for the day.

"Now, you have some free time, but I do expect you to get some reading in. Don't be all work and no play though - in our profession any moment could be your last, so do try to enjoy yourselves at least a little. And Uzumaki - you may be the most behind when it comes to knowledge, but ask those you can if you can study from their libraries using your shadow clones - just don't dispel them all at once unless you like migraines. I'll meet you at the bridge tomorrow at our usual time, but we'll be doing training with another Genin team, one which graduated a year before you."

"I won't be here though," added Anko. "I have a mission that might last a few weeks, but I expect you to train on your own in my absence!"

With that, she used the Shunshin (Body Flicker) to disappear out of the clearing.

Kakashi pulled out his book and began walking away. "See you all tomorrow! Ja ne!"

* * *

End Chapter Two.

Author's Notes

More fodder for someone to work off of this idea.

I think this might be the last story I remove from my profile for a while. Like, a long while.

Someone should adopt some of these...


	20. Corporate Sponsorship, drabble

Corporate Sponsorship

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: James Bond belongs to MGM and was created by Ian Flemming.

* * *

"Mr. Bond," began Q. "I have a surprise for you."

"A pleasant one, I'm sure," replied James.

"We were able to redesign and rebuild your car since the last incident with Dr. No."

"Wonderful. To the garage then?"

"Of course."

* * *

James was stunned. MI6 expected him to drive that thing?

"As you can see, it is loaded with the latest technologies and has-"

"Q?"

"Yes James?"

"Why is it the NASCAR M&M's car?" demanded Bond, pointing directly at the large number eighteen painted on the side of the vehicle.

"Well, due to budget cuts by Parliament, MI6 has had to look into getting additional revenue."

"That didn't answer my question."

"I'm getting there. We had to turn to corporate sponsorship to ensure that we can continue to give you the best of the best. The Mars candy company paid for the car."

James had to resist the urge to use his standard-issue silenced Walther PPK to pistol whip some sense into Q.

"Oh, I see you still have the old-issue PPK. Here's the new one."

It was the same as before, but it had the lightning-bolt logo of Gatorade printed on both sides of the grip. Upon seeing this, Agent 007 was seriously considering whether shooting Q or shooting himself would be more productive.

* * *

End.

Author's Notes

Hope you got a chuckle.

If one were to expand on this, everything that 007 is supposed to use from this point forward has a corporate label on it somewhere. James would be the only one to see why that would be a bad idea. Maybe the villains too.


	21. The Swarm, Naruto

The Swarm

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Naruto was created by Masashi Kishimoto, who still owns the rights to it.

* * *

Not many people had heard of the name of Namikaze before Minato was born. His caretaker when he was little did recall meeting Minato's mother, however. She was named Namikaze. Apparently, the Namikaze were a small ninja Clan without a Hidden Village to call home. Due to persecutions from their homeland, Stone Country, the Namikaze family was nearly wiped out. Minato and his mother were the last two, and Konoha's medics were ill-equipped to keep the woman alive.

Sadly, she died of her wounds.

Autopsy showed that she was killed by multiple venom injections from the wasps used as weapons by the Kamizuru Clan of Iwagakure no Sato (Village Hidden in Stone). She seemed to have the same inner body cavities that the Aburame had for storing their insects, leading to an investigation of Minato's body. His body, though it had enough DNA to prove he was her son, did not have the cavities necessary for carrying and maintaining a hive. Additionally, his mother's body didn't have any evidence of a hive within it except for some dissolved paste that used to be insects. Apparently, the bloodline had skipped a generation with Minato, like it sometimes did amongst the Aburame.

* * *

Years later, the Kyuubi attack happened, leaving young Namikaze Naruto without a father or a mother, but with a Bijuu trapped within a seal on his stomach. The poor child had to be renamed Uzumaki for his own protection.

What everyone failed to notice was that Naruto had those body cavities necessary to house a hive.

Well, _people_ didn't notice. Something else did.

* * *

There is one species of ant called a slaver ant, named as such because they sneak into hives of other species and kidnap their larvae to pressgang them into service. The Namikaze Clan took this to the next level by influencing the evolution of the slaver ants with their own chakra. Instead of stealing the larvae, the new slaver ants attach themselves to the queen's head and abdomen, possessing the body of the queen. The possessed queen still lays eggs, but the chemical signals she puts out are directed by her parasite, who in turn is directed by the slaver queen, who could be controlled by a Namikaze. A side-effect was that the lifespan of a slaver ant was extended; workers could live up to five years, drones up to seven, possessors up to eleven (unless their host died), and queens up to nineteen.

Since ants are found in every country in the Elemental Nations except Snow Country, this made it so that a Namikaze is never without their little allies. And because the Namikaze spread new slaver colonies wherever they went, nearly every ant colony was simply the extension of a nearby slaver colony.

The wood ants in the cafeteria in the hospital where Naruto was born picked up the chemical signals the boy's body unconsciously put out, informing the possessed queen that a new Hive Carrier existed. The possessed queen sent a signal to her closest neighboring hive. That possessed queen passed that signal on within moments. The next one passed the message along shortly thereafter. So on and so forth until the closest slaver queen was notified. She laid several hundred new eggs and directed that a queen was to be raised from among them, and twenty males.

Within a year, the new queen was ready to hatch. The new queen flew for a few miles, taking her drones and her workers that were raised alongside her closer to Konohagakure no Sato (Village Hidden in Leaves) until she was too hungry to keep going. They set up a new colony on the spot. Within a few months, her colony was stable enough for her to make a new queen to send to the new Hive Carrier.

* * *

When Naruto was nearly four, the Hokage found him within the hospital. The poor boy had begun to panic for some unknown reason and the owner of the orphanage Naruto lived at finally got fed up with the blond's hysterics and started beating him.

The owner of the orphanage had also been admitted to hospital due to the large volume of insect stings all over her body. She was shortly admitted to the morgue because she was allergic to whatever had stung her. Eyewitnesses to the beating claimed that she was swarmed by ants after she started to beat Naruto.

When the Hokage entered Naruto's room, he found the boy to be fairly nervous. The medic-nin who was in the room was writing things down on the boy's chart.

"Naruto-kun," began the Sandaime. "Please tell me what happened."

"Creepy-crawlies, ol' man," was Naruto's hesitant response. "Dey are _in_ me..."

"I've already sent for an Aburame," the medic-nin said after a short silence. "I have suspicions as to what this is, so I have an order written out already for your signature to have certain sensitive records to be sealed away, as per one of your mandates pertaining to this sort of information."

The medic handed the clipboard over to the Hokage, who took it and began reading. After a moment, he signed it and handed the clipboard back.

"Wha's goin' on, ol' man?" asked Naruto.

When the Sandaime turned to answer the boy's question, he noticed a line of ants marching out of Naruto's left sleeve and over to the food tray in the blond's lap. A parallel line was marching back up the boy's sleeve carrying food crumbs.

"Something that will be very good for you, Naruto," responded the Hokage. "You may just get a family out of this."

Naruto's hopeful expression was charming, but the Hokage suddenly wished he hadn't gotten the boy's hopes up. Since the night he was reinstated as Hokage, he's had a rather cynical view of the world.

* * *

It wasn't before long before the newest Clan Head of the Aburames showed up. Shibi was a practical man, like much of the rest of his clan. But when he entered Naruto's room, his hive began to buzz with warnings of a predator, causing Shibi to raise an eyebrow.

"Hokage-sama," greeted the usually stoic head of the Aburame Clan.

"Aburame-san," returned the Sandaime.

"My colony tells me that there is a predator in the room."

The Hokage gave a short laugh before gesturing to the boy. "That would be Naruto-kun-" This caused Shibi's other eyebrow to raise. "-or rather, his colony."

"Wha's a call-umy?" the blonde asked nervously.

Shibi gave a slight tilt of his head, which the Hokage and the medic-nin interpreted as amusement.

"A colony is like a city of bugs," began Shibi, who had explained the word to his own son, Shino, recently. "I have one of my own inside me."

He put his hand forward, palm up to show that it was covered with little beetles.

"These are the kikaichu, and my Clan uses them as weapons and scouts when we are on missions as ninja."

"Huh," Naruto responded intelligently. At the very least he had calmed down some because an adult seemed to be the same as him. "Dose don't look like da ones I got."

Naruto lifted his right arm to show that his hand was covered in ants.

"Those are ants," Shibi explained. "And I've never heard of ants being used... I have heard of wasps..."

The Hokage cleared his throat, gaining the attention of both Naruto and Shibi. "Regardless, Naruto needs to learn how to coexist with his hive."

The Aburame's brow furled slightly, before returning to neutral. "I believe my Clan can help with that. In the interest of efficiency, I request that he live on the Aburame Compound."

That request would make Naruto just short of being a member of the Clan and would not change his family name, due to various laws. Also, as Shibi wasn't actually adopting the blond, the Village Council couldn't move to stop Naruto from living with the Aburame nor could they remove him from their custody. Attempting to do either would weaken the political clout that the Clans had and would therefore be shot down by every Clan head within Konoha. The only reason Shibi had not done this before was that he hadn't had a solid purpose in making such a move - but now he had one that would measure up to scrutiny.

A larva, especially one as precious as Naruto, was supposed to be protected and nurtured, was it not?

The Hokage smiled knowingly. "Request approved."

* * *

Shibi had to soothe his hive to let them know that Naruto's hive was not supposed to be a threat. He also sent out scouts with a message to his wife to prepare the spare room for the blond's arrival. Another message was sent to his son and heir, Shino, that a surprise was coming home with his father.

"What is your surprise, Father?" asked the three-year-old Aburame.

The blond was confused by the question posed by the sunglass-wearing boy when they arrived at the manor.

"It's name is Uzumaki Naruto," Shibi said by way of introduction, gesturing towards the blond boy. "He is to be considered a cousin and a friend."

Shino cocked his head slightly, requesting elaboration.

"He's got a hive like we do, but with a different kind of insect."

"Ants!" Naruto declared proudly, putting his hands forward to show that they were covered in the members of his colony.

Shino's response was to adjust his sunglasses. "Interesting."

* * *

It took a few months to get Naruto to learn how to communicate with his ants. During that time, the Aburame Clan had to deal with the difficulty of trying to keep the soldier ants out of their spare colonies until Naruto could command them to stop attacking the kikaichu. Luckily, the Aburame were a practical and long-suffering bunch, especially since they had to deal with complaints against their children all the time whenever a civilian was accidently attacked by kikaichu in the marketplace.

Additionally, Naruto had to be taught how to control his emotions better because, like the kikaichu, his ants responded to his emotional status. When he was happy or neutral, they went about their business. When he was sad, they searched for sugar and chocolate. When he was angry or afraid, they began to go on the warpath to eliminate the threat.

Since Naruto shared with his new "family" that he wanted to become the Hokage, they began to train him in the ninja arts.

* * *

Years passed by. Naruto had a fairly logical outlook like the Aburame had, but he was still more animated than they were. Since Naruto's ant hive did not rely on chakra alone for sustenance, the majority of his massive reserves was still useable for ninjutsu, which helped him out greatly - the kikaichu could fly but Naruto's ants could not. Naruto could use wind-element ninjutsu and most Aburame could not use elemental jutsu.

Something that annoyed Naruto was the isolation and scorn he received outside of the Aburame Clan compound. Shopkeepers and regular civilians tended to treat him like he had the plague, and many children, though ignorant of the fact that Naruto was the Kyuubi jinchuuriki, refused to play with him because of the hatred of their parents. Some of that hatred got associated with those of the Aburame Clan simply because they frequently stood up for the blonde - the civilians rationalized it away because they thought that the kikaichu-using ninja were "creepy-ass robots anyway".

Still, Naruto had the Aburame, the Hokage, and this small ramen restaurant run by a couple of open-minded civilians - the Ichiraku family enjoyed frequent patronage from the bug-using ninja. All of the hateful instructors at the Academy couldn't ruin his education with so many intelligent people around.

In any case, when Naruto got particularly pissed off at the way he or one of the Aburames had been treated...

* * *

"Holy sh-aaaargh!" the baker screamed as a young blonde boy kicked him in the balls, preventing the civilian from getting his bug sprays.

To test his infiltration skills, he decided to sneak into the bakery several hours before it opened. His ants had a field day on the various confectionary delights while Naruto sprayed all manner of pink and purple graffiti all over the ceiling - those colors specifically chosen to cause people to question the owner's sexual orientation. Unfortunately, Naruto hadn't taken into account how early the baker went to work - the doughnuts had to be ready before the store itself was open for business, after all.

"Discovered so early..." grumbled the blonde, before taking out a permanent marker and kneeling next to the unconscious man. "Well, maybe this will teach him for spraying Shino with bug spray just to get a laugh out of his clientele."

After marking the man's face up - complete with moustache and glasses - he turned to a green tree ant that was sitting on his shoulder.

"(What do you think?)" he asked, speaking in chemical signals.

It inspected the strange markings on the baker's face with it's excellent eyesight. It supposed that the markings made the man look ridiculous.

(Nice. We eat more, yes?)

"(Just the sugar. No meat.)" Naruto's hearing picked up some faint noises. "(Change of plans: retreat!)"

As one, all ants in the bakery turned to the shortest trail back to where Naruto was, regardless of whether or not they had food in their mouths. Within thirty seconds, all of his hive (and subservient ants from foreign hives, like the green ant) was hidden on his person. Naruto picked up his two cans of spray paint when the back door was kicked in.

"Freeze! Police!"

All that the civilian police officers found was the baker and the graffiti on his face and the ceiling as well as the mess of sugary goodness all over the floor. What they did not notice was Naruto slowly and silently closing the vent from the inside.

The Chuunin assigned to the detail both saw Naruto leave the roof of the building, however. One of them was faster than the other, and he felt it was his duty to catch the "demon brat". He ran an intercept course and caught the boy by the hood of his dark brown jacket...

SPHESSSSHT! "AAAARGH! MY EYES!"

... only to get pink spray paint in his face.

The other Chuunin was laughing too hard to bother with pursuing the young prankster.

* * *

Needless to say, Naruto was a prankster at heart, much like his deceased mother, Uzumaki Kushina.

Much like Shino, Naruto kept his grades in the Academy at a middling ground. Shibi had explained to them the importance of hiding their skills - Naruto was especially supposed to hide his status as an ant-user. Not only was it an effective strategy for personal safety for the both of them, but it helped out the Clan in political matters.

As a Clan, the Aburame typically hid amongst a crowd and didn't call attention to themselves. They stayed away from becoming a target and didn't do any major moves until it was guaranteed that they could strike without retaliation. Hence why they tried to teach their children to hide in the middle of the grading roster - too low or too high and attention would be called to them and their skills would be scrutinized. It was also tactically sound as deep cover agents from enemy villages tended to go after the school records to determine who needed to be killed before they could constitute a threat.

* * *

"Welcome, class, to the day of the finals!" greeted Umino Iruka, the one and only Academy instructor whom a certain blonde actually respected. "I will be administering them by myself today as Mizuki was reassigned."

Shino and Naruto noticed a slight hesitation before the word "reassigned" in Iruka's speech. They figured that something had happened the night before.

* * *

"SHIT!"

SQUELCH!

"Tell the Hokage that we have killed the traitor and that the Forbidden Scroll is back in our custody."

"Understood," responded the voice over the short-range radio.

* * *

The team assignments were interesting, to say the least. Apparently the Hokage wished to reform the Ino-Shika-Chou team that had performed so well during the previous war and gave Nara Shikamaru and Akimichi Chouji, two parts of the trio, to a fairly new Jounin named Yuuhi Kurenai as Team Eight, with the Hyuuga Heiress, Hinata, rounding off the lineup for some reason. Team Seven, led by the famous Hatake Kakashi, was comprised of the "top" of the class, Uchiha Sasuke, the bottom, a goof-off named Inuzuka Kiba, and the "top" kunoichi, an unrepentant fangirl named Haruno Sakura.

Shino and Naruto were pleased to be on the same team - Team Ten - as they worked quite well with each other. Both of the boys recognized Yamanaka Ino - kind of difficult not to when Shibi impressed it on them that they know all the major players in any given clan. She was the third member of their team, and they were to be led by the older of the Hokage's two sons, Sarutobi Asuma.

Kurenai, being a new Jounin, wished to impress her Genin team and showed up at exactly the same time that Iruka left. Two minutes later, Asuma sauntered in.

"I'm Sarutobi Asuma. Which three brats are mine?" he asked around his cigarette.

Without responding, Naruto, Shino, and Ino simply stood up and began walking towards the door.

* * *

End.

Author's Notes

Just an idea.


	22. Me and My Shadow, Bleach, Ranma, Kenshin

Me and My Shadow

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo. Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki.

Chapter One: Hollow Slayer

* * *

After the failed wedding (which was a complete disaster), Saotome Ranma was not only depressed, but he began to see the spirits of people long since dead. He didn't know why he saw them, nor did he care. He just figured that he'd be able to see malevolent spirits before they did something wrong to him or other people.

Unluckily for him, he was right. But it's not that seeing them would make any difference...

* * *

He was once the hero of the Meiji Era. The coming of the Meiji was heralded by his sword as it was bathed in blood. For this, Himura Kenshin blamed himself. He wished he could atone for his sins, his many murders. Even after he died, he continued to regret his actions. He regretted them so much, that he became a Hollow. But he was an unusual Hollow; he had several key differences from the others.

Yes, he hungered like all Hollows hungered, but he refused to eat the souls of others as he believed it to be a sin. Yes, he had a mask like all the other Hollows, but his was extremely different. His mask only covered the lower half of his face. Additionally, instead of having a mouth with teeth, it simply had a tongue sticking out. He also had a sakabatou and sheathe as his primary weapons instead of claws, generated by his primary Hollow powers. His final key difference was the fact that he hunted other Hollows.

Being too fast or too crafty for the Shinigami to catch, Kenshin became classified as the Hollowkiri, the "Slayer of Hollows". His primary powers included shape-shifting and shadow-walking. Kenshin was unable to let go or fully remove either his sword or his sheathe from his body as they were actually part of it.

The day that Kenshin's fortune would change was the same day that Ranma died. Kenshin was hunting a powerful and fast Hollow, one that was nearly as old as he was, and he had tracked the monster into the Nerima ward of Tokyo...

* * *

Ranma saw the masked monster stalking around near a park. As was his duty as a martial artist to protect the weak, the pig-tailed teen decided to take a proactive approach to doing his duty. He attacked the monster.

The Hollow was hit and it staggered. Realizing that the human could see it, the Hollow decided to eat the martial artist.

"You will be really delicious!" it howled as it charged Ranma.

The aqua-transsexual fired a ki blast at the monster, only to find that his ki went right through the thing's face without affecting it in the slightest. In a surprising burst of speed, the Hollow took a swing at the pig-tailed boy and knocked his body twenty feet away into a boulder. Ranma's spirit kept going another twenty feet before tumbling to a stop. Ranma sat up and shook himself off. Then he noticed something was weird.

"What the...? That's me, isn't it!" Ranma also had a chain going from his heart back to his physical body.

The Hollow swooped down on Ranma and bit at him with a screech. Ranma barely dodged, only to see the Hollow bite through his Chain of Fate, only two links away from his heart. It was at this point that Kenshin exploded onto the scene and cut the other Hollow's head in half. The Hollow disappeared back to Hueco Mundo, the world of the Hollows.

Kenshin took a look at Ranma and saw his Chain was broken.

"Seems I am too late," said the dead swordsman mournfully.

"What do you mean?" asked Ranma.

"Now that your Chain of Fate is broken, you are dead."

"WHAT!" It was at this point that the remnants of Ranma's Chain began to dissolve. In seconds, they were gone and his heart turned into a hole. Ranma began to scream in pain.

Not wanting to have to eventually hunt the poor boy down, Kenshin used his various Hollow powers to plunge himself deep into Ranma's soul, changing them both forever.

* * *

Several hours later, both Kenshin and Ranma awakened to the sounds of crying people. Kenshin found himself inside of someone's shadow. Ranma found nearly all the residents of Nerima mourning his pale and bloody body.

Kasumi was crying. Akane was failing to hold back her tears as Ukyou attempted to comfort her. Shampoo and Kodachi were wailing. Mousse and Ryouga wisely kept their mouths shut. Tatewai could be seen in a bloody and crumpled heap several feet away. Tears were streaming down the faces of Dr. Tofu and Nabiki. Soun was drowning a couple people with his trademark Tendo Water Works. Everyone seemed sad. Ranma truly wished he could come back from the dead... that is, until he saw his father and mother.

Nodaka was truly enraged by Ranma's death. She silenced the entire group with her incredulous words: "If you ever come back, I'll force you to commit seppuku for dying in such an unmanly way!"

This pissed Ranma off. What pushed him over the edge was what Genma said next: "You worthless and pathetic boy! You call yourself a martial artist! No martial artist would ever kill themselves by running into a rock!"

Ranma looked, and there indeed was a boulder nearby that his body had slammed against when the Hollow had smacked him.

His rage mounted. How dare his parents consider him worthless and unmanly! How dare they think that he was just a tool for them to achieve their goals! How...

"Wait a minute," said Ranma, thinking out loud. "If I'm dead, I have no obligations to any of these people. I'm free!"

"I agree," replied Kenshin, within Ranma's shadow.

"GAH!"

"Don't panic! Just go over there to that alley. I'll explain there."

* * *

Over in the alley, Kenshin popped his head out of Ranma's shadow.

"Oh, it's you. Why are you in my shadow?"

"To prevent you from turning into a Hollow, I dived deep into your soul to fool it into thinking that you had already transformed into one."

"What's a Hollow?"

"Remember that monster? That was a Hollow. All Hollows are former humans. By the way, have you even taken a look at yourself?"

Ranma looked. He was pretty much the same, only he was wearing a pink kimono and hakama, and a blue obi sash; he also had a sword at his hip. His eye twitched when he saw what color the robes were.

"Looks like you had the hidden potential to become a Shinigami."

"What makes you say that?"

"You dress just like them, only you're wearing pink. I used to wear pink when I was still alive."

Giving up on the color of his clothes, Ranma drew his sword to see what it was. It was a sakabatou.

"The same weapon I wield. Only, I think yours is a zanpakutoh, the weapon Shinigami use to cleanse the souls of Hollows and help lingering spirits pass on."

"Would you mind getting out of my shadow?" said Ranma, suddenly changing the subject.

"I would if I could. You and I are now two people sharing the same space. I can come partially out of your shadow, but I can't come completely out unless we switch places."

"So, we're stuck together?" Kenshin nodded in the affirmative. "Might as well know your name then. I'm Saotome Ranma, or at least, I was."

"Himura Kenshin. In life, I was known as Hitokiri Battousai."

"The hero of the Meiji?"

"Yes. Regretfully."

"Sorry. Hmm... I still want to be known as Ranma, but I no longer want anything to do with clan Saotome... Do you mind if I took your clan name?"

"I don't mind at all."

"Himura Ranma. Has a nice ring to it."

* * *

As Ranma tested out his new form, he found that his spiritual body didn't house ki at all. It made sense seeing as how Ranma was dead and all (and ki was exclusive to living beings). So Ranma, being the fighting genius that he is, adapted his ki techniques to be used with spiritual energy which he seemed to have an abundance of.

Also, both Ranma and Kenshin found that their minds were linking together so that they could always tell what the other was thinking when they opened their minds up to each other. They could even search through each others' memories. Ranma saw in Kenshin's memories many, many different techniques that he figured he should try to imitate. Kenshin learned how to use spiritual energy the way Ranma used to use ki.

They practiced these techniques on the few Hollows who appeared in Nerima.

Ranma's personality was able to change, as he didn't have to put up the "tough guy" mask he had to use since he and his father went on the ten-year training trip. Ranma found it ironic that it took his death for him to have his second childhood.

Ranma would toy with a Hollow until he learned everything it could teach him, and then he purified it.

Additionally, Ranma decided to mess with everyone who lived in Nerima for contributing to the insanity that was his life.

"Hey Kenshin! I feel like pranking people."

"You know that they won't be able to see you or hear you, right?"

"True, but I can still interact with inanimate objects like a poltergeist does."

"... Have fun then."

The first person pranked was Nabiki. Ranma screwed up all the figures on her ledgers. Kasumi was next. She found all her cupboards had been rearranged. Soun was unable to find his shogi board. Happosai found all his "pretties" had been burned. Akane and Ryouga were pranked at the same time when Ranma tripped Kasumi while she was carrying tea. The tea had landed on Ryouga while he was in pig form, triggering his curse to change him back into a human. Awkward hilarity ensued.

Ukyou found that her giant baker's peel had been placed in the trash compactor.

All three Kunos were also pranked. The Principal found that he had gotten a buzz-cut of his own. Kodachi got a taste of her own paralysis powder. Tatewai couldn't find any of his bokken nor could he find the family sword (all of which were in the same trash compactor as the baker's peel). Sasuke found a proper sleeping bag in the attic. It was even waterproof (both inside and out)! Too bad it was lined with itching powder.

The English Teacher Hinako woke up one morning with all sorts of sex toys piled on top of her.

Mousse couldn't find his glasses (also in the trash compactor). Cologne couldn't find her staff (compactor). Shampoo woke up one morning in the same bed as Mousse (much to her horror and his joy; too bad he couldn't see a darn thing).

Finally, Ranma pranked his parents, who had moved back to their house in the Juuban ward. There was no food in the house (or even in a five-block radius, causing all the neighbors to blame Genma) and the family katana was missing (compactor). Genma also noticed (before being carted off to jail) that his spare Umisenken (Thousand Oceans' Fist) and Yamasenken (Thousand Mountains' Fist) scrolls that he had hidden at the house were missing (stolen by Ranma for future use).

With that taken care of, Ranma and Kenshin started traveling Tokyo, avoiding areas where shinigami appeared frequently as they had no idea how they would react. Eventually, they ended up in Karakura. There they sensed something strange emanating from a small store. The billboard read as "Urahara Shoten". Ranma was going to sneak in, but an idiotic Hollow appeared above the store.

* * *

Jinta and Ururu were arguing in the yard (well, Jinta was doing all the arguing and Ururu was simply crying) when a Hollow foolishly appeared over the store. Jinta reached for his massive bat and Ururu reached for her rocket launcher. However, a man in pink leapt up and slashed the Hollow down the middle, purifying it instantly. The strange man ran straight up to them and asked an equally strange question.

"!" he asked in an excited rush. The two child-like beings sweatdropped.

At this time, both Kisuke and Tessai exited the shop wondering what all the commotion was about. Additionally, Kisuke was curious as to who it was that had such immense spiritual pressure just outside his shop. Kisuke saw a pig-tailed man wearing a pink shihakushou (the shinigami's uniform).

"I wonder who you are," said Kisuke warily.

"Oh. I didn't know this was the residence of a Shinigami," stated Ranma.

"Ex-Shinigami." This caused Ranma to relax. "I am Urahara Kisuke, owner of this shop. And you are?"

"Himura Ranma. Formerly Saotome Ranma. I lived in Nerima before I died."

"So, Ranma, are you a Shinigami?"

"No. I do have Shinigami powers, but I doubt that I am a Shinigami."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because my shadow was once a Hollow."

"What?"

At this time, Kenshin's head slowly slid upwards through Ranma's shadow. Kenshin stopped when his waist finally made it out of the shadow (that was as far as he could go anyway).

"Hello," said the red-haired swordsman. "I am Himura Kenshin, the Hollowkiri."

"I have heard of you," stated Tessai. "You're the only Hollow that refuses to eat other people's souls."

"Are you sure you're not an Arrancar, Kenshin?" asked Kisuke. "You have the partial mask of one."

"I could be," said Kenshin. "I wouldn't know."

"Ranma, can you wear a Hollow mask?" inquired Kisuke.

"I don't know. I haven't tried."

"If you could, that would make you a Vizard."

"Whatever," said Ranma. He then pointed at Tessai, Jinta, and Ururu. "What are they?"

"Artificial souls placed inside of gigai," answered Kisuke. "Tessai is the one in the apron, Jinta is the small boy, and Ururu is the girl."

Ranma cocked his head as Kenshin sank back into the shadow. "What the hell is a gigai? What is an artificial soul?"

Kisuke sighed. "Perhaps you should come inside so I can explain."

* * *

"I see," said Kenshin, now the dominant body. Ranma was now the one in the shadow and he had pulled himself out to his armpits so that he could participate in drinking tea as well. Ranma preferred green tea whereas Kenshin wanted ginseng. Kenshin had a straw stuck up and under his mask so that he could drink the tea.

"I think I understand," said Ranma. "Tessai was your first prototype Mod Soul, Jinta was your second, and Ururu was the third. And then you made appropriate gigai or false bodies for them to inhabit when you got yourself banished from... what was it called again?"

"The Soul Society," answered Kisuke. "I am telling you this because I will likely need your help."

"Kenshin, you think we should?"

"Yes, but not for free."

"Mmm... I got it! Kisuke, we accept but on one condition!"

"Which is?"

"Allow us to train and spar with you, Tessai, Jinta, Ururu, and any other contacts of yours."

"As long as my assistants don't object, then we have an agreement."

"I shall begin construction on the training ground immediately!" declared Tessai. As he rushed off, Kisuke had a question for Kenshin.

"Kenshin, may I see your sword?"

"Oro?"

"Well, it looks like a zanpakutoh."

"Oh. Well, it's not. It's actually part of my body. See?" Kenshin drew his sword and let go. Rather than it sticking to his hand like he expected it to, it fell and hit the ground, bouncing once.

"Looks like a zanpakutoh to me," stated Ranma.

"Interesting," mused Kisuke. "Seems like you have become an Arrancar or something like one. Though you're not wearing anything at all and you don't have a Hollow's hole that is their namesake anywhere on your body. And then you share the same space with Ranma... I'll need to study you both. For the time being, I think I'll call you a Grau, the German word for gray."

"Sounds good," Ranma and Kenshin said in unison.

* * *

For the next several months, Ranma and Kenshin helped Kisuke around the shop, dealing with the occasional customer, exterminating errant hollows that the Shinigami didn't catch, and keeping an eye on those with high spiritual awareness, such as one Kurosaki Ichigo. The Grau were also wary of a young boy named Ishida Uryuu, who had a large amount of spiritual pressure as well.

More often than not, Ranma or Kenshin had to cloak themselves using the Umisenken in order to invert their spiritual pressure making them ultimately undetectable to anyone who didn't know the Umisenken. Together, they had already improved it to the point that they didn't need to use a cloth to cloak themselves anymore, but they still had to drop the technique in order to attack.

The whole time they were also training with Tessai, to improve the control of their energy and learn some kidoh ("demon arts" or "spirit spells"). They also had endurance and toughness training with Jinta, by having him clobber them with his oversized metallic bat. As for their training with Ururu...

* * *

Ranma dodged Ururu's punch again as she attacked while wearing her little mushroom hat and mushroom gloves. She missed Ranma but the boulder behind him exploded into rubble. To counter, Ranma used the Bakusai Tenketsu (Breaking Point technique) to shower the little girl with additional debris. He poked the ground under her and it exploded.

Ranma's counterattack cost him dearly, as she clocked him with a right jab. Ranma was sent flying nearly a kilometer across the battlefield that Tessai had built under the Urahara Shoten.

"Well, she got me. You're up, Kenshin."

"Very well."

Ranma sank into his own shadow. Once he had completely disappeared, Kenshin began to rise from the shadow. As Ururu charged at Kenshin after his switch with Ranma, the deceased swordsman took up a fighting stance that the deceased martial artist recognized from Kenshin's memories. It was a stance that belonged to one of his best friends, Sagara Sanosuke.

* * *

In the Kusajishi (79th) district of the Rukongai a tall man wearing a coat with the kanji for "bad" on his back sneezed as he was taking a drink at a bar. This elicited a bar fight, which the man eventually won.

* * *

Ururu was hard-pressed to hit Kenshin, despite the fact that the former Hollow was almost eight feet tall. Kenshin worked his shape-shifting abilities into his hand-to-hand combat style quite well, and had Ururu fighting almost as hard as when she was fighting Ranma. The fact that Kenshin kept using the Two Layers Strike in conjunction with the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken (Chestnuts Roasting over an Open Fire Fist) was quite impressive and kept Ururu on the defensive, trying to dodge or deflect as many strikes as possible. But soon, Kenshin made a mistake in allowing himself to fall into a pattern.

Suddenly, Ururu was inside Kenshin's guard. She managed a left hook into the dead swordsman's midsection, shooting pain throughout Kenshin's body. She followed this up with a right uppercut and a left haymaker. Kenshin's body went tumbling through a boulder.

After Kenshin got up, he switched places with Ranma again, and the fight began anew.

* * *

Kisuke was impressed by the growth(s) of the Grau. Ranma was certainly more inclined to use martial arts, but he was no slouch when it came to his kendo. Kenshin preferred the sword, but was not limited to it.

Kisuke trained them both in the use of their zanpakutoh. Each was on the verge of learning the name of their own zanpakutoh when it happened. Shihouin Yoruichi decided to pay a visit in her cat form.

* * *

"C-c-c-c-c-c-c-caaat!" screamed Ranma. As he turned to flee, Kenshin reached out of the shadow and grabbed him by the ankles and tripped him. Ranma went down hard, knocking himself out.

"What is his problem?" asked the little black cat.

"I'm not sure," answered the banished Shinigami. "But when Kenshin surfaces, we can ask him."

"What?"

"You'll see what I mean."

Ranma's body slowly sank into the shadow. Once it did, Kenshin rose from it.

"You do know you have a Hollow in your shop, don't you?" asked the cat.

"An Ex-Hollow," stated Kenshin. "Ranma and I are now a Grau."

"A... Grau?"

"That's right," said Kisuke. "A Grau is one who is exactly half-Shinigami and half-Hollow, requiring one of each to create. Both share memories and some of the same powers. They share the same space. Each one has their own zanpakutoh and I believe each has their own mask, though Ranma has yet to manifest his yet. I guess you can think of a Grau as being half-Vizard and half-Arrancar."

"Okay... seems like you found something to study again. Kenshin, was it?"

"Yes?"

"What is wrong with... Ranma? Why does he seem to be afraid of cats?"

"His father trained him in the Nekoken when he was barely six years old."

Both Kisuke and Yoruichi blinked.

"You're joking," hoped the black cat.

"I wish I was."

Kisuke walked over to the bookshelf and pulled a scroll from it. It seemed like some sort of index. Finding the entry he wanted in the scroll, he put it away and pulled out a dusty old manual. Kenshin knew it to be the Nekoken training manual. Kisuke flipped through it, not finding a cure.

"You're not going to find it in there," stated Kenshin.

Suddenly, Kenshin's shadow screamed. It was Ranma.

"What is it?" asked Kenshin.

"My zanpakutoh tried to visit me in a dream," said Ranma in between ragged breaths.

"And?"

"It was a demonic feline kunoichi."

"Sounds familiar," said Kisuke sarcastically.

"Shut up," retorted Yoruichi.

"Say Kenshin?"

"Oro?"

"Is that black cat still there?"

"Yes."

"Kuso."

"That 'black cat' you are talking about is me," stated Yoruichi.

"Of course it gets worse. It always gets worse. The little furry thing from hell can talk."

"I doubt it's a good idea to insult the cat," stated Kenshin. Ranma simply stopped talking.

"I believe introductions are long overdue," said Kisuke. "This is my good friend Shihouin Yoruichi."

Kenshin bowed curtly. "I am Himura Kenshin. The chicken inside the shadow is Himura Ranma."

Suddenly, the sheathe for Ranma's zanpakutoh flew out of the shadow and hit Kenshin right in between the eyes. Kenshin quickly grabbed the sheathe and shoved it into the shadow, eliciting a yelp of pain from within it. Soon, Ranma's fists could be seen exiting the shadow to hit Kenshin's face and Kenshin punched into the shadow, apparently hitting Ranma.

"I thought I've seen it all," began Kisuke, in a jovial tone. "but I've never seen a Hollow fighting his shadow."

The fight between the two halves of the Grau stopped. Kenshin looked at Kisuke with a mischievous gleam in his eye. The dead swordsman fired a weak _bala_shot at Kisuke, knocking his hat off of his head.

"Seems he didn't like your joke," said Yoruichi.

"Ranma," began Kenshin. "We can't have you hiding my shadow forever - you're going to have to come out of there sometime and face your fear."

"But you know how I get when I see a cat!"

"Ranma," began Yoruichi. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm not actually a cat. I can't even make the proper cat sounds."

"You're not a cat?"

"No. This is just a technique I've learned to avoid detection."

Ranma poked his head out of the shadow. He looked right at Yoruichi.

"It's not a cat it's not a cat it's not a cat..." he said over and over, repeating the mantra, forcing himself to say it slowly.

* * *

Several hours later, Ranma was mostly comfortable in Yoruichi's presence. Ranma discussed with her various techniques. Ranma was very interested that Yoruichi used to be among the Shinigami's Special Forces Division and was in fact the previous leader of said division. She had created a move called the Flash Step to move quickly from one point to another. Ranma demanded that she teach him this technique, among others.

After learning that Yoruichi was essentially a ninja cat, Ranma felt confident in trying to contact his zanpakutoh.

Kenshin, who had been sleeping inside of the shadow, suddenly woke up and poked his head through the shadow.

"I know my sword's name," he said. "It just visited me in a dream."

"Really? What is it?" asked Kisuke, who was drinking black tea.

"Its name is 'Battousai'," stated Kenshin. Ranma snickered. "I am aware of the irony."

"You mean the same name you took when you were a Hitokiri?" asked Yoruichi.

Kenshin and Ranma looked at her curiously.

"Hey, I was there. I also watched your battle with Makoto Shishio."

"Well, that proves it," said Ranma. "She is _really_ skilled at being a ninja cat."

"How did you know I was a female? My voice is so deep that people think I'm male most of the time."

"Your aura is distinctly female."

"Aura?"

"That's right. I suppose most Shinigami wouldn't notice it, but for martial artists like myself, it's child's play."

* * *

Ranma was able to make contact with his zanpakutoh that night, but she refused to tell him her name.

The next day, Ranma was watching Ichigo again as the boy beat up a few skaters for knocking down a vase of flowers that the orange-haired youth had placed there for the ghost of a girl.

Ranma decided to tail the young Kurosaki for the rest of the day. That night, a large Hollow, one called Fishbone D, began prowling the street where the Kurosaki Clinic was located.

Ranma noticed a Shinigami arrive, but she was unable to locate the Hollow.

Following Kisuke's strict orders of non-interference, Ranma held back and watched. The Hollow attacked the clinic, the female Shinigami got injured. Ichigo refused to run away. The Shinigami decided to give Ichigo some of her power, but he accidentally sapped all of it from her. Ichigo managed to slaughter Fishbone D before passing out.

Ranma decided to report to Kisuke.

* * *

Kuchiki Rukia had finished using her kikanshinki to replace the memories of everyone in Ichigo's family (except for Ichigo). She had then found that her powers were still missing and were going to be long in returning, so she went to the Urahara Shoten to buy a gigai as well as a few Hollow hunting supplies.

She was surprised to see a handsome young man wearing a pink kimono there to greet her at the door.

"Good morning," said the man. "Welcome to the Urahara Shoten. I am Ranma, the newly hired help. Urahara-san the slacker is still asleep right now, but Tessai is available to get you whatever you need."

"I heard that!" said a voice from the back of the shop, presumably belonging to Kisuke.

"Oh, Urahara-san is apparently awake now. In any case, it is custom for us to be knowledgeable about which Shinigami come to do business here. May I have your name and Squad number?"

Rukia blinked. When Captain Ukitake had recommended this shop to her for when she might need to stay in the living world he hadn't mentioned that little detail.

"Kuchiki Rukia. Squad 13."

Ranma wrote it down. "Alright. Please come into the shop while I locate Tessai." Ranma stood up and turned to walk further inside when he walked right into Tessai. "I still need to know how you keep doing that to me."

This was the eighteenth time that Tessai had managed to sneak up on Ranma (or on Kenshin).

* * *

End Chapter One.

Next Chapter: Watching Ichigo and Rukia.

Author's Notes

What an insane idea of mine. Kinda childish too.

Don't worry, I'm rewriting this from the beginning, but I'm taking the Kenshin stuff out. Look for it soon - it will be under the name "Adjuntas".


	23. Mushroom, Naruto, Sailor Moon, many more

Mushroom

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: "Naruto" was created and is owned by Masashi Kishimoto. The ArbyFish were created by Danny Oliver and are owned by Danny and Benjamin Oliver.

Chapter One: Bruce and Ribbons

* * *

A gigantic, nine-tailed demon fox, also known as the Kyubi, was just strolling through the forests around Konoha, the ninja village hidden in the leaves, when something happened. A small, little black seal-like creature began to flitter and hover in front of the fox. And it began to annoy the beast.

"Have you got the time? I say, have you got the time? I really need to know it because Black ArbyFish don't do time. I can't tell the time. Have you got the time?"

The whole time, the fox tried to tell him no, but kept getting interrupted. Though the fox was thousands of years old, it did hate to get interrupted, so it had a rather short temper at that point. It tried to attack the flying seal/fish/mutant/thing. And the ArbyFish ignored him and flew towards the nearest town, knowing that people have time (clocks) so that he could finally know the time. And the fox followed.

And thus, the Kyubi Attack was instigated.

Just before the Yondaime Hokage sealed the fox within the body of a small blonde infant, the demon managed to catch the flying annoyance in his jaws, sealing the ArbyFish within the boy as well.

* * *

Nearby, a little white seal-creature and another pink one, both similar to the black, had watched the whole scene.

_What the- Why!_ thought the white one. _That human has done the same as what the First has done, on multiple occasions. Sacrificing himself to save those humans. Why? Hmm... I must study these humans._

Meanwhile, the pink one was thinking, _That__ poor little boy! He's so cute! But, now he hasn't got any parents! Maybe I can convince Bruce to let us raise him?_

And the universe had a chill run up its spine.

* * *

A few years later, the White ArbyFish and his Pink companion, known as Bruce and Ribbons respectively, could be seen still arguing over whether to raise the blonde-haired boy. If anyone _could_ see them, that is.

"I don't care how cute he is!"

"But, he needs us! Look how the other apes treat him!"

"I can see that. I've been observing them for the past THREE YEARS! I think I know how to conquer them properly... I just need some sort of super weapon and a malleable apprentice to teach."

"Bruce, sometimes you are an idiot."

"RIBBONS! Don't make me slice you to ribbons!" he said as he pulled a switchblade out of nowhere.

"Really? That would be cute!"

"ARGH! Why I bothered saving you from the Greens I'll never know!"

"Bruce, we both can get what we want. You saw that fox, right?"

"... yeah."

"And the fox is inside that boy along with a Black, right?"

"Yeah. Your point?"

"And that cute boy _is_ attention-starved..."

Bruce smacked himself in the head, except he forgot he was holding a knife, so he stabbed himself in the head on accident. Though it hurt, it wouldn't do any real harm to him. But he continued the rest of the conversation with his switchblade sticking out of his cranium.

"Thank you, Ribbons. That is one of the weaknesses of Whites - we don't typically see opportunities until someone else points them out."

_Yeah,_ Bruce realized. _The blonde boy is not only malleable, but he also counts as a super weapon!_

Bruce then cackled an evil cackle like the evil little White ArbyFish that he is. The universe knew something was wrong at this point - it had that familiar chill run up and down its spine again.

* * *

The next day, Naruto had apparently found a pink seal-like plush toy which he carried with him at all times. The Sandaime Hokage was perplexed, but wrote it off as unimportant, even if the boy talked to it like it was alive.

What nobody else knew was that a white one was perched on his shoulder almost constantly and told him all sorts of things.

About a year later, a number of people went and got drunk during the Kyubi Festival (marking the fourth anniversary of the defeat of the Kyubi). They decided to "kill the demon once and for all (hic)!" So, Naruto was targeted. He was found skipping around in a flower field. He was quickly surrounded, and the boy began to feel afraid. But then he saw that the drunks were trampling the flowers - one of the few things that didn't spit on him when he walked past - and that made him angry.

The blonde child pulled out a switchblade causing some of the drunks to laugh, thinking that the demon wouldn't be able to defend itself, so they didn't realize what sort of danger they were in.

* * *

Later that evening, four ANBU dragged Naruto's unconscious, blood-covered body into the Hokage's office. The boy, though under a genjutsu, was still clutching his pink seal doll with his left hand.

"What happened?" asked the old man.

One of the ANBU, Yamato (if the Hokage remembered correctly), spoke up: "Seems some of the drunks from the festival got a little bold, and attacked Naruto."

"Don't worry," said another ANBU (this time it was Itachi). "None of that blood is his. Unfortunately, this incident will cement the idea that the boy is the demon in the minds of the villagers."

"Agreed," replied the Sandaime Hokage. "Wake him up; I want to find out from him what had happened."

"Kai," said one of the nameless ANBU whose only importance and purpose was to wake up the demon's container in this scene and will never be mentioned again.

"Wha-" muttered Naruto as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"Hello, Naruto," said the Hokage.

"Hi, gramps!" This elicited a chuckle or two from the ANBU.

"Naruto, do you know what you're covered in?"

"Blood."

Sarutobi began to sweat a bit. "Do you know why you're covered in blood?"

"I kilt da bad peepoll."

"Why did you kill them? What made them bad?"

"Dey called me... um... deeman? Yeah, deeman. Innit dat a bad werd? And dey crush da flowers too."

"And what did you kill them with?"

"Dis," said the blonde boy as he pulled out a switchblade and flicked it open with practiced ease.

"Where did you get that?"

"Bruce gabe it to me."

"Who is Burusu?"

"He's my garden angel!"

"I think you mean guardian angel..."

"Yeah. Dat too."

Room full of sweatdropping people.

"And is this Burusu?" asked the Hokage, pointing at the pink doll.

"No. Dis is Ribbons!" replied the boy, hugging his doll tightly. "Silly gramps!"

The Hokage sweatdropped again, as did the four ANBU in the room. Then the old man put his fingers into a one-handed seal and Naruto zonked-out again. He then turned to Yamato.

"I am reassigning you. You are to care for him as if he were your little brother. Train him, teach him, and minimize the effects of the demon housed within him. Also, you are to resign from your position in ANBU-Ne."

* * *

"Hokage-sama," began Yamato, also known as Tenzou. The Hokage remembered this, and he also remembered that Tenzou was only 14, though he was living by himself.

"Report."

"Although I had him in various jutsu to subdue demonic influence, as well as demons themselves, just in case, Naruto's behavior has not changed in the slightest. He still talks to his doll and he still has that thrice-damned switchblade, no matter how many times I take it from him."

The Sandaime sighed. "He might very well be brain damaged. Or something traumatizing happened. Or it could be stress from the seal or something. See what you can do."

Neither of them noticed the White ArbyFish sitting on the sill of the nearby window. They wouldn't have been able to see him anyway.

* * *

Tenzou quickly learned that Naruto was quite smart, despite being a little crazy. Perhaps he was just eccentric due to mental stress and trauma? Also, he seemed to have a talent for all sorts of jutsu, even if he had a wind affinity with his chakra.

What Tenzou didn't know was that Naruto was on good terms with nearly all the ArbyFish he had encountered. Since ArbyFish constitute anywhere between two percent and ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the universe's mass at any given moment, it was no surprise to find them on Naruto's world, even if they preferred to remain invisible from most humans. But Naruto could see them all, probably because he had one of the most powerful colors of the little flying seal mutants sealed inside of him.

At Bruce's insistence, Naruto learned how to move rocks and dirt from the Browns, how to play games and play with water from the Blues (as well as figure out the rules to any game in under twenty seconds, similar to how the Blues did the same thing, only ten seconds), how to mess with all sorts of written laws from Greens, and fighting techniques from Reds (it was really difficult for Bruce to find an active volcano near Konoha, but he found one). Also, Bruce and Ribbons encouraged him to learn everything he could from Tenzou.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves.

* * *

"Wot's 'Shroom Day?"

"Naruto, stop talking like a Green," commanded Bruce.

"'Kay."

"'Shroom Day is today. The eighth day. It happens in between Sunday and Monday. The rest of the universe sleeps through it, but we ArbyFish must observe it. And you must too, since you're awake during it."

"Why must I ob... ubsarve?"

"Observe," corrected Ribbons. "We have to celebrate this day, or else the Greens will find out that we didn't. So they'll come after us, and we don't want Green lawyers coming down on us."

"Lawyars? But I taut ArbyFish were an arachnid!"

"Anarchy," corrected Bruce. "But we're a constitutional anarchy. Much better than the plain old regular anarchies! Besides, we really don't need the Greens to take an interest in us; since they hate Ribbons because she's a Pink, they'll try anything to throw us in the Tea Party of Singularities. Better to not give them a reason."

"'Kay. Whaddya do on 'Shroom Day?"

"Mostly, we play pranks."

From that day forward, all of Konoha found itself pranked regularly every Monday morning. The most unsettling part was when the entire town was watchful at 11:59 one Sunday night, only to find themselves completely covered in purple paint only an instant after midnight. Not just them, but all the buildings, food, soap, books, scrolls, animals, trees (within two miles of the outer walls), and eyeballs as well. There was much screaming in pain from those who weren't blinking at that particular instant due to the purple paint covering their eyeballs.

One week saw the Hokage Monument having been transformed into the Monument to All the Cute Things in the World, whereas the next saw it restored to normal, but then the Hokage Tower had the entirety of Hamlet written all over the outside, not to mention the monkeys stuffed into the Hokage's closet with a typewriter.

If that wasn't enough, every member of the Hyuga Clan found themselves wearing a pink, frilly tutu the next week.

Unfortunately, these acts of chaos were attributed to Naruto (but he only helped with those after he convinced the ArbyFish of the planet to prank the people of Konoha). Naruto's pranks were on a more personal level, such as putting a fishbowl over Uchiha Sasuke's head the night after the Uchiha Massacre. Etched on the fishbowl was the phrase: "So long and thanks for all the fish!"

* * *

Age six, when Naruto began to go to the academy, was a little awkward. Naruto didn't really want to leave Ribbons behind, but he did at her insistence. Still, Bruce would remain perched on his shoulder while Ribbons played mind games with Tenzou, such as moving around when he wasn't looking, putting salt in the sugar bin and sugar in the salt shaker, that sort of thing. Tenzou was "really cute" when he was confused or flabbergasted.

At first, all the teachers spat at him or made rude remarks, or whatever, but then they quickly learned to leave him alone when he was with flowers.  
Some of them still had nightmares about Mallet-sama.

Speaking of which, Naruto seemed to have an aptitude for battlehammers and knives. He preferred the switchblade over the kumai, despite it being weaker than the all-purpose-stabbity-object. He liked it because it was lighter, easier to conceal, and was more maneuverable. If he wanted to throw something, he'd just use a shuriken rather than a kunai.

And he both annoyed and confused everyone there when he started to learn how to use earth jutsu using a hammer by singing the song "I've Been Working on the Railroad". What was a railroad anyway? And why did it matter if someone was playing a banjo in the kitchen while Dina was in it? The Chuunin instructors never learned why, and when asked, Tenzou was just as confused.

Of course, the fact that Naruto was so strong didn't sit well with much of the village. The Sandaime was tempted to impose martial law, but decided better of it as many ninja hated his guts as well.

The problems really began when the entire Uchiha Clan, save Sasuke, was annihilated by Uchiha Itachi. He did it under the Sandaime's orders, as well as gather intelligence about a new nukenin organization by joining them. Of course, the fact that the clan had been killed off in a single night caused many to blame Naruto for it, despite the fact that the Uchiha Clan was found dead on a Friday morning, not a Monday morning.

* * *

"Great. Now we have to deal with ninja lawyers - almost as bad as dealing with Green lawyers!"

But Naruto was already formulating a plan of action of how to deal with his trial. A claim that he had a new bloodline limit could work - all he'd have to do is show off his mad mushroom-growing skillz (TM)! Yes. This could work. Mushrooms had nothing to do with how the various Uchiha were killed and had nothing to do with snakes (which Naruto noticed people hated almost as much as they hated him and foxes).

* * *

"So he's not really crazy? Just drugged up on 'shrooms?"

"That could be it. But did you see the mushroom creature he made before our eyes? He can almost instantly create hordes of cannon-fodder out of a simple shiitake mushroom! He might just be a little eccentric. Did you notice how he talked to his pink doll like it was alive?"

Danzou decided to put his two cents in: "A bloodline limit with a Jinchuuriki - we should train him!"

"Already taken care of," replied Sarutobi Hizuren, the Hokage. "He is being raised by Tenzou, the only living possessor of the mokuton, and he's been trying to correct Naruto's behavior, but it seems that his behavior has nothing to do with the demon sealed within him. But they have very similar Kekkei Genkai, so I was thinking that we could just let them learn from eachother, making two powerful ninja out of the situation."

"What about the law placed by the Shodaime? The Kekkei Genkai Revival Statute?"

The Sandaime sighed. "Very well. But I would like to point out section 3, subsection G, article 42 pertaining to that law: 'Any Kekkei Genkai possessor must be allowed to choose his/her spouses.'"

That staved off the Clan Heads, but as far as Hiruzen could tell, the civilians on the council were going to try and have their daughters seduce the blonde. Oh well. He'd deal with those headaches later. Where did he put that aspirin bottle?

"So," began the Hokage anew. "It is generally agreed that Naruto has no connection whatsoever to the Uchiha Massacre?"

A resounding chorus of 'aye's filled the room.

* * *

Naruto smirked as his plan to get out of trouble and absolve himself from the blame of the council worked. Also, it had the bonus of making Bruce totally slack-jawed.

* * *

End Chapter One.

Author's Note

I got permission from Ben Oliver to go ahead and write this. Fanfiction of another fanfiction. Fanfanfiction. Only one other author I know of has done this and his name is Chibi-Reaper. Go. Read. His. Stories.  
Now.

**EDIT:** Well, it seems that Benjamin A. Oliver is not as well known as I thought. So I have included a link to his main fanfiction page:  
boliver DOT florestica DOT com

Bleh. Badly written. Forgot where this was going. Brain Dumping it for posterity.


	24. Warg, Naruto, Norse Myth

Warg

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Chapter One: Shattered Chain!

* * *

Kyubi, the Nine-Tailed Fox, the King of Hell, the Greatest of the Bijuu... was running for his life from a bigger threat.

Unfortunately for Konoha, the Ninja Village of the Leaf, Kyubi wasn't watching where he was going and he ran straight into some of the larger buildings. The ninjas who lived therein began to attack the fox, much like wasps defending their hive.

The fox's fear turned to annoyance. He began to fight back (read: he slaughtered large numbers of them for their stupidity).

But then the bigger threat loomed closer. Realizing his predicament, Kyubi bolted off in another direction. As the much larger threat drew closer, the temperature began to drop. Snow began to fall, but it was the middle of summer! Stalking out of the storm clouds and fog was a beast that made the one-hundred-forty-foot-tall Kyubi look like a baseball does in comparison to a basketball. The ninja of Konoha soon realized that it was a giant wolf. Smoke poured out of its nostrils, and its eyes glowed as if they were made of a bluish flame. Upon its legs were enormous shackles dragging huge chains. Around its neck was a collar of titanic size from which hung three more broken chains.

The beast took a single step forward, revealing the gigantic crater of a paw print and a thick sheet of ice. When the appendage reached the ground again, powerful tremors and shockwaves emanated from the impact site, toppling trees, leveling buildings, and crumbling mountains. In one step, the impossibly-big wolf did more damage to Konoha than the titanic fox had done it the ten minutes it had attacked.

The Yondaime Hokage, Namikaze Minato, the fourth leader of Konoha, was speechless, but he still had the presence of mind to begin his powerful sealing jutsu. He had his only son with him - upon the child's torso, centered around his navel, was a series of seals created to capture a powerful beast. Well, the looming threat certainly was a powerful beast.

Completing the first part of the jutsu, the Yondaime summoned the Shinigami, the God of Death.

**Who dares summon - HOLY SHIT! HE GOT OUT!**

Waving his arm, the Shinigami halted the progress of time to discuss things with his summoner.

**Let me guess... You summoned me to seal that beast into that child, correct?**

"Er, yes. Originally, I was going to seal the Kyubi into him, but I think that I should go after that... um... thing instead."

**Do you know WHO that is?**

Minato shook his head.

**That is Fenrir, Herald of the End! Gleipnir, the chain which kept him bound and sealed, must have broken! I would gladly seal that wolf away without taking your soul, but I'll actually need your soul in order to be strong enough to actually seal him!**

"Well, at least he'll be stopped."

**Wrong, mortal! Fenrir cannot be stopped. He cannot be killed. He cannot even be harmed! He can only be slowed or contained. What we'll attempt to do will be a little of both.**

"Will the seal contain that demonic wolf? I designed it to hold a demon after all."

**Demon?** **Fenrir is not a demon. Fenrir is not a god either. He is something greater. In fact, he ate a god - and that was when he was only a quarter of his current size! But yes, the seal will hold, for two decades at the least. As long as the boy is not killed, that is.**

"What about my son's mind?"

**We won't be able to totally block the wolf out, but at the very least the boy would stay in control. I certainly hope, for the sake of the world, that your son is treated well by the people of your village. This is as long as I can halt time though. And after the sealing is complete and I eat your soul, you'll have five minutes to control your body.**

"Very well."

The Shinigami waved his hand in the opposite direction, and time resumed.

"**What is this?"** asked Fenrir, sounding amused. "**A Death God?** **What can you do? And a foolish mortal? Ha ha ha! Your destruction is imminent!"**

**Not today, Fenrir.**

The Shinigami swallowed Minato's soul. And then he grabbed Fenrir. The wolf began to lose the feelings in his extremities, and then he realized what was going on due to the familiar experiences he felt.

* * *

Fenrir looked at his new cage. Gleipnir, or more accurately the tattered remains of it, had combined with his new cell to keep him from attacking the bars.

What a fragile jail they put him in! If he wanted, he could be out in two decades! But why should he bother? It had been eons since he had been as small as his container was at the moment! With a little prodding, he could convince his jailor to smash stuff for him. It would be much more interesting than indiscriminately smashing entire cities with a single footstep. Besides, since he had gotten so big, he couldn't even see the fear and other little emotions as they played out on his victims' faces in any detail anymore! But now he could, especially since he could experience what the child he was trapped within experienced.

Yes. Fenrir was content to remain within his prison, as long as the boy agreed to smash stuff. But he wasn't about to let the boy get killed and this opportunity be wasted. Nor did he want to miss a single moment! With that decision, the wolf exerted his will upon the boy's body, making it stronger, tougher, faster, and a whole slew of other abilities and skills. Now, all he had to do was wait.

* * *

Minato handed the boy to Sarutobi Hiruzen, his predecessor for the title of Hokage, and asked that the boy be considered a hero. Then the Yondaime dropped dead.

The Sandaime, now again the Hokage, tried to explain that the boy was the savior of the village to the civilian populous. What he didn't anticipate was them calling for the child's blood. With the stomping of that enormous paw, about half the remaining civilian population were extinguished (only twenty percent of the total population, civilian and ninja, were killed by the Kyubi) - and those that were still alive wanted vengeance!

In response, some laws were passed, and the boy, who was now known as Uzumaki Naruto, was placed in a random orphanage. Nobody was allowed to speak of the beast within Naruto, especially not to the younger generation.

Something that no one understood was that Naruto didn't sleep. Ever. The various guards and other people who came in contact with the baby never saw him sleep. Someone had to be up with him throughout all the hours.

Unfortunately, some of those assigned to keep him entertained had secretly brought knives or poisons with them, and tried to kill the wolf-brat. The poisons were ineffective. But the interesting part was what had happened to the knives...

* * *

SNAP!

"... the hell!"

The baby boy looked up at the woman who tried to stab him in the heart, curious as to what this new game was supposed to be.

The woman, who had lost her brother, father, and daughter during the night known as "the Attack of the Two Beasts", was astonished that the knife didn't break the infant's skin. Rather, the skin indented a little, and then the blade broke in two.

Suddenly, a pair of ANBU rushed in through the open window. One retrieved the child and the other subdued the woman. The Hokage was going to hear about this!

* * *

Hiruzen rubbed his temples, trying to stave off a headache.

"So," began the old Hokage. "You're telling me that not only does the boy never sleep, but you've found traces of poison in his bottles and that woman just tried to stab him but her weapon broke?"

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

The Hokage could not believe how stupid the people of the village were. They were attacking their savior and disgracing the name of their hero! Not only that... not... only... wait a minute! Naruto could not be poisoned! He couldn't be stabbed! Hiruzen had heard of a similar power wielded by the Ichibi's Jinchuuriki... was it possible that the blonde boy also had an "ultimate defense"?

The Hokage grinned. "ANBU, call an emergency meeting for the ANBU Corps. Be sure to keep any members of ANBU Ne out though."

* * *

"Hokage-sama, what is this about!" asked one of the various ANBU at the ANBU Headquarters.

"As most, if not all, of you already know, one of Naruto's caretakers attempted to assassinate him."

"So we'll just increase security," said an ANBU Captain, wearing a dog mask.

"I don't think that such would be viable without doing other things. I originally wanted Naruto to have a normal life, but... it seems human nature has once again prevailed over common sense. Now, as you all know, Danzou wants him trained as a weapon. I think we will actually do that, but I refuse to have him trained by that idiot war hawk as I know that Naruto's humanity would be suppressed and there would be the possibility that Danzou could eventually use him in a coup d'_é_tat against my authority. Therefore, I propose that he be trained and/or raised by at least one of the ANBU here. Anyone?"

Two ANBU raised their hands: a woman wearing a tiger mask and the ANBU Captain who wore the dog mask.

"Interesting," commented the Sandaime. "I declare you both temporarily released from your posts and assigned the double-S-ranked mission of training Uzumaki Naruto."

The ANBU Captain removed his dog mask to show that he was wearing another facemask underneath. He also had a forehead-protector lopsided on his face covering his left eye. His shock of silver hair let the Hokage know that this was Hatake Kakashi, who was the student of the Yondaime at one point - and he'd be training the Yondaime's son. Perfect!

The other ANBU brought her mask off of her face to reveal black hair and fierce hazel eyes. Her face was soft, muted even, but she had high cheekbones. The Hokage recognized her as Nara Maiko, the younger sister of Nara Shikaku, the current Head of Clan Nara.

* * *

"So," said the woman, trying to get Kakashi to talk. "We're both taking care of the child."

Kakashi, merely reading his little orange book, nodded.

"Do you think we'll have to live together, or do you think we'll just be neighbors?"

The white-haired man shrugged without taking his eye off the book.

"You know, you'll probably have to stop reading that smut once the boy gets old enough."

Kakashi finally looked at her. But it was more of a condescending gaze than anything else. Oh, his half-lidded cyclopean stare was infuriating! But the masked man ignored her ire and went back to reading his book.

Just when Maiko was going to attack Kakashi with her shadow, an ANBU dropped by with a missive from the Hokage. Maiko broke the seal and quickly read it. Her face became downtrodden.

Curious, Kakashi closed his book and took the scroll from Maiko.

_From Sarutobi Hiruzen, Sandaime Hokage  
To Nara_ _Maiko and Hatake Kakashi_

_I have assigned both of you a three-bedroom apartment that is both near the Ninja_ _Academy_ _and near the Nara_ _Estate. Please take young Naruto there. You are to both tutor him and train him. You will both be allowed to accept missions, but both of you cannot be on a mission at the same time, for obvious reasons. And Kakashi, you had better not read that smut near the child or leave it lying around once he gets old enough to walk.  
The address of the apartment is below.  
This message will self-destruct._

Quickly memorizing the address, Kakashi threw the scroll into the air where it detonated into a fireball.

The silver-haired man looked at Maiko to see that she was smirking.

"I told you so," the Nara woman said.

"I don't have to stop reading it," Kakashi said, his eye closing and turning into an inverted "U". Maiko assumed that it was one of Kakashi's infamous eye smiles. "I just have to keep it out of the boy's sight and reach."

Maiko's smirk lessened a little.

* * *

The three of them lived in the apartment. Kakashi had to admit - despite not being able to use two of the rooms it was still bigger than his old apartment. Naruto was kept in Maiko's room until he was old enough to not need a crib.

Maiko and Kakashi trained the boy. They taught him how to read and write. They taught him mathematics. They also began him on his chakra control, which it seemed he desperately needed. Kakashi was annoyed though - because Maiko, in her own smug way, had taught Naruto how to walk on walls first rather than teach him how to hover a leaf; therefore, he couldn't just put his beloved Icha Icha books on the top shelf in his room anymore. He had to hide them much better than that, and it seemed Maiko kept trying to get Naruto to look for anything orange.

On the other hand, Maiko was also annoyed. Apparently, Kakashi thought it was funny to teach Naruto stealth by having him steal her clothes while she was in the bath and put them in the washing machine just as she was ready to get out. On top of that, it seemed that Naruto had begun to pull pranks on her; and some of the pranks were complicated enough that there was no doubt of Kakashi's assistance in them!

But it wasn't all a prank war between the two adults, using the child as their pawn while teaching him useful skills in the meantime. Once, the Nara and Akimichi Clans had a large dinner and invited Maiko to come. Kakashi, unfortunately, was off on an A-rank mission, so Maiko had to bring the never-sleeping blonde boy with her...

* * *

"Maiko-chan! How nice to see my little sister again!"

"Hello, Shikaku-kun!"

"And... Oh, you brought little Naruto-kun with you!"

"Say 'hi', Naruto-kun."

"Hi," responded the blonde in a bored monotone.

"He sounds like an Aburame," commented Shikaku. "How about you go and play with Shikamaru and Chouji?"

"'Kay."

"He seems really distant," said the male Nara.

"He usually is," replied his sister. "The only times when he's emotional is when he's having fun, or breaking things, or pulling a prank." Maiko turned to Shikaku. "So, what's been happening in the village council?"

"Some of the civilian members are still trying to call for Naruto's death. As usual, the Hyuga, Nara, Akimichi, and Aburame Clans forbid it. The Uchiha seem to be pushing for it though. Danzou, as single-mindedly as ever, wishes to train Naruto. The Inuzuka Clan is actually neutral about it, as is the Yamanaka Clan. The Kurama Clan is one of the few ninja clans to actually be openly calling for Naruto's execution."

"And the conflict with Kumo?"

"Should be resolved when their ambassador arrives later this month."

* * *

"Cool!" exclaimed Chouji when he saw that Naruto could already walk on walls and the ceiling.

"Can't ev'ryone do dis?" asked the blonde, obviously confused.

"No," replied Shikamaru. "You must be a... what was dat word agin... genus?"

"But... Maiko-sensei tot me to do dis," responded the blonde boy.

"It's still vewy cool!" stated Chouji, very excited. "Hey, my daddy says dat I'ma going ta go to da Acad'my next Fall... are you?"

"I know I am," said Shikamaru. "Naruto?"

"I dunno. Lemme ask."

Naruto raced across the ceiling, startling many of the ninja who were attending the dinner party. A couple even tossed shuriken in his direction in reaction, but the boy ignored the weaponry as they bounced harmlessly off of his hide.

"Maiko-sensei!" called the boy as he leapt down in front of the now-embarrassed woman. "Am I gonna go to da... what's da word? Aka-demi? Demi-aku? Da skool dat kids go to ta become ninja! Am I gonna go dere in da Fall?"

Shikaku laughed at the boy's antics as Maiko explained that Naruto's enrollment into the Academy was up to the Hokage. Chouza, Chouji's father and the Clan Head of Akimichi, came over to the brother and sister to explain something.

"As Chouji is very excited about Naruto and wants to be his friend, I think that I'll put the good word in the Hokage's ear to have him enrolled in the Academy."

"As will I," stated Shikaku.

Afterward, the ninja who threw the stabbity objects at Naruto came to Maiko to apologize, explaining that they were startled and simply reacted as any ninja should.

* * *

Maiko seriously considered sending Naruto to the Ninja Academy - it would be good for him to be around children close to his age so that he'd learn some better social interaction skills. Also, it would be good to send him there just to spite the Uchiha and Kurama Clans, as well as the civilians! Naruto really was a nice boy, even if he was a bit distant and enjoyed breaking things...

* * *

End Chapter One.

Author's Notes

Ohgawdthisisbad. No, seriously. Placing this in the brain dump, especially since I forgot where I was going with this.


	25. Pride ofThe Goblins, Ranma,Labyrinth,HP

Pride of the Goblins

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling owns Harry Potter, Rumiko Takahashi owns "Ranma 1/2" and the Jim Henson Company owns "Labyrinth".

WARNING: This fic contains spoilers for "Goblins' Fist". If you don't wish to spoil how that story goes, then you want to hit your back button. If you don't care, read on!

Chapter One: Not Quite According to Plan

* * *

Ranma had been the Goblin King for nearly seven years now, and he had no fewer than nine-hundred sixty-seven assassination attempts made on his person by his subjects. Ranma didn't care. He had many, many people try to kill him for various reasons over the course of his life.

However, life as King was beginning to get boring. Two years ago, the attempts on his life had begun to cease in their frequency, and just five months ago they stopped altogether. Ranma didn't have much to do other than observe Earth and defend his kingdom from the high elves, the orcs, the gnomes, the dwarves, and the humans of the world of Marasceene.

Ranma's kingdom, within the center of which was a gigantic Labyrinth where the goblins lived, was allied to only one other race on the world of Marasceene: the yetis. Ranma was the first Goblin King ever to have made a permanent alliance with another one of the races, and it was with the race that had at one time hated the goblins the most.

The Labyrinth, a sprawling maze built with whatever materials were at hand and with chaos magic, had been built on top of a nexus of chaos. In its center was the Goblin City. Within the City's center was the Castle. Within the foundation of the Castle was where the nexus of chaos was located. Just below the nexus was a portal known as the Shade Nexusgate, which was the only means of traveling from Marasceene to any other world, especially Earth. But this was not where Ranma was. Ranma was in the Impossibility Room - a room so saturated with chaos and magic that the laws of physics had ceased to exist within it. Ranma felt that the Room looked like an Escher painting. It was here that he contemplated the past and the future.

That was precisely what he was doing.

Ever since the previous Goblin King, Jareth, had retired (Jareth was the first Goblin King to ever retire, rather than being replaced in a coup d' état) Ranma had been taking advice from his predecessor - an act that was unheard of in the Goblin Kingdom, and not just for the fact that all the previous Kings had killed their predecessors. Ranma knew, from Jareth, that all of his predecessors had done some sort of horrible prank to the humans and other beings of Earth. For Jareth's predecessor, it was the Nekoken Training Manual. For Jareth, it was convincing the entrepreneur known as "Bertie Bott" that his jelly beans should be made of every flavor. Literally.

Ranma had yet to choose what his prank would be. And he couldn't think of a thing, even here, in his favorite place, when he first became the heir to the goblin throne. That seemed like it was forever ago, back when he was still a human. Back when he was six years old.

"Enough reminiscing," he said to nobody but himself. "I need inspiration. Perhaps I should go to Earth and see what I could do to the mundane side of the world or to the mystic side... Yes. Yes I should."

It should be interesting to note that Earth had a mundane side and a mystic side. There was the wizarding community, populated by humans who could do magic and various magical races. That was the mystic side. The mundane side was populated by non-magical humans who were ignorant of the mystic side. Ranma was born in the mundane side. When he became a goblin, he became part of the mystic side.

Ranma leapt from his perch on one of the sets of stairs onto another one that was at a ninety-degree angle to the one he was on before. When he landed, he orientated himself so that he was standing "upright", and went through a doorway. Down another flight of steps, he reached the Throne Room. From there, he went down another stairwell to the Servants' Quarters. He went and found a door that had the name "Hoggle" carved into it. He kicked it open. Hoggle was inside.

Hoggle was the son of a male dwarf and a female goblin (the dwarf was _extremely_ drunk). Hoggle was one of the first goblins to meet Ranma during his first visit to the Labyrinth. Since then, the half-dwarf became Ranma's butler. Hoggle had a long, fat nose, deep-set eyes, and a generally ugly appearance.

"GAH!" said Hoggle as his door was kicked off of the hinges. Again. "Oh. Sire, you startled me!"

"Shut it, Hopper."

"Hoggle," corrected the half-dwarf. For the nth time

"... You know I can never remember your name. Anyway, I need you to be in charge until I find Jareth. He'll be in charge from the time that he gets here until the time I get back. Understood?"

"Clear as crystal."

"Good. Hop to it!"

* * *

"Let me get this straight: you want me to play babysitter for your kingdom while you go gallivanting off to Earth to find something to do?"

"... That about sums it up," responded Ranma. "Will you do it?"

Jareth turned to look at Ranma. They both had white hair that was standing on end for the most part (Ranma had a pigtail in the back). They also both had some really weird eyebrows. However, Jareth looked a little older than Ranma, and not just because Ranma was shorter. It was because Jareth was about sixty years older than Ranma.

"How long will you be gone?"

"No longer than twenty-four hours."

"Fine. Using the Shade Nexusgate?"

"Of course."

"Have fun then."

* * *

Ranma had changed shape so that he was an owl. A black owl. He was flying around England. He noticed that other owls had been flying around in great numbers, but they hardly went in the same direction. Ranma quickly realized that these were messenger owls belonging to wizards and witches.

As he continued to fly around, he noticed an odd-looking cat sitting on the wall to the yard of the fourth house of Privet Drive, in Little Whinging, Surrey. Ranma landed on the roof of the house so that he could observe the cat without the cat seeing him.

Suddenly, one of the lights on the street went out. Ranma looked in the direction of that light as more of them went out. He saw a wizened old man holding a small metallic object. Every time the old man would squeeze the object, another light would go out. Once all the lights were out, the old man went and sat down next to the cat and straightened his purple cloak.

"Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."

Ranma's suspicions were confirmed. The cat was actually an animagus, a mage who turned into an animal. The cat transformed into a severe-looking woman. She wore glasses with square frames and an emerald cloak.

"How did you know it was me?"

"My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly."

"You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day."

"All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here."

_Celebrating?_ wondered Ranma. _Why would the magic folk be celebrating?_

"Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right." She sounded impatient. "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no - even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news." She jerked her head towards the living room window of the house Ranma was perched on. "I heard it. Flocks of owls... shooting stars... Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars down in Kent - I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense."

_What are they celebrating? Stop beating around the bush!_

"You can't blame them. We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."

_Eleven years? What happened eleven years ago? What happened _today_! Bloody figs, _what_ is going on!_

"I know that. But that's no reason to lose our heads. People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors."

_Hmm...__ perhaps I should have dyed my hair so that I could walk around in the daylight. Perhaps "overhear" a couple of these alleged rumors._

She continued, after giving the old man a sharp, sideways glance, as if expecting him to say something. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about us all. I suppose he really _has_ gone, Dumbledore?"

_So the old man is named "Dumbledore"? Wait a minute... _who_ is "You-Know-Who"?_

"It certainly seems so. We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?"

"A _what_?"

"A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."

"No, thank you. As I say, even if You-Know-Who _has_ gone -"

"My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this 'You-Know-Who' nonsense - for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: _Voldemort_."

Professor McGonagall flinched. Ranma took note of this. Dumbledore, who was unwrapping two lemon drops, seemed to take no notice whatsoever.

Ranma's mind was racing. He only half-listened to the conversation.

_Eleven years... four years before I came to power. I stopped paying attention to the wizarding side at about that time. Have I heard the name _Voldemort_ before? Yes. Yes I have. Ryouga spoke of him. Said something about him asking for Bakusai Tenketsu training from Ryouga. Good thing the Eternal Lost Boy didn't give it to him. I'll have to ask Kho Lon if this Voldemort visited any of the Amazon villages. Seems this "Dark Lord" left quite a legacy if people fear to speak his name, even after he is dead. I wonder if I should impersonate this Voldemort, as a prank?_

Suddenly, the conversation became interesting again. Professor McGonagall was speaking.

"... You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"

She seemed anxious to discuss this point.

"What they're _saying_," she continued, "is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow. He went to find the Potters. The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are - are - that they're - _dead_."

_Godric's Hollow, eh?__ The Potter family? I have some research to do._

The old wizard bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.

"Lily and James... I can't believe it... I didn't want to believe it... Oh, Albus..."

_Albus Dumbledore? Oh. That name definitely sounds familiar... I'll look him up later._

The old man reached out and patted her on the shoulder, saying "I know... I know..."

Her voice began to tremble. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potter's son, Harry. But - he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke - and that's why he's gone."

_Very interesting.__ But why meet here, of all places? Why talk here? What is the significance of..._ Ranma checked the address. _What is the significance of Number __Four, Privet Drive_

Dumbledore nodded.

"It's - it's _true_? After all he's done... all the people he's killed... he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding... of all the things to stop him... but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?"

"We can only guess. We may never know."

_Well, _I_ aim to find out. Once I find the boy, then I'll find out._

Professor McGonagall pulled out a handkerchief and started dabbing her eyes with it. Dumbledore pulled out a gold watch from his pocket and examined it. Ranma noticed it was a different kind of watch. It had the planets orbiting the outer edge, and had twelve hands. Dumbledore put it back into his pocket.

"Hagrid's late. I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?"

"Yes," replied Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me _why_ you're here, of all places?"

"I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now."

_So _that's_ why they're here. That means I can steal him away before dawn. Perfect._

Ranma heard how the Dursleys behaved - they hated anything out of the ordinary and they spoiled their child rotten. He also heard how Harry's name would be famous, and how that fame would be bad for him; Dumbledore had apparently written a letter to explain this to the Dursleys. Evidently, this Hagrid was bringing the boy. Just as Professor McGonagall was going to criticize Hagrid for being careless, Ranma heard the sound of a motorcycle. It was coming from above.

Wait... above? He looked up to see a large man riding a large motorcycle descending to the road in front of the house. The size of the man seemed to defy description, though Ranma guessed that he was large enough to wrestle a troll and win. He had wild, long tangles of bushy black hair and a large black beard to match. In his huge arms he held a bundle wrapped in blankets.

Ranma smelled the smell of babies. It was a smell Ranma was quite acquainted with, having spent much of his life learning from a goblin matron. He knew that the bundle contained only one child though. He also knew who it was.

Dumbledore was relieved. "Hagrid. At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?"

"Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the gigantic man as he carefully climbed off of the mechanical monstrosity. "Young Sirius Black lent it to me. I've got him, sir."

_Sirius Black?__ I'll have to look into him as well then._

"No problems, were there?"

"No, sir - house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' around. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol."

_Yadda__ yadda yadda.__ Get on with it! Leave him here so I can steal him!_

Ranma watched impatiently as Hagrid said a long and mournful goodbye to Harry Potter. McGonagall and Dumbledore also paid their respects. Hagrid left on his motorcycle, McGonagall turned into a cat and scampered off, and Dumbledore walked to the corner of the street. He pulled the metallic object out of his robes again, and gave it another squeeze. All the street lights came back on again. Then the old man turned the corner and was gone.

Ranma slowly and quietly moved along the peak of the roof until he was perched just above the doorway. He gave a quick look around, checking to see if anyone was looking. When he saw no one, he leapt towards the ground.

Ranma landed silently in his human form next to the slumbering baby. Seeing a number of tracking charms on the baby's person, Ranma held out his right arm, palm facing the sky. A clear crystal sphere the size of a baseball rolled out of his sleeve and into his hand. He crouched and waved the sphere over the sleeping boy's restful form. When he did so, the interior of the sphere changed colors and became clear again.

When Ranma stood up, he was holding Harry and the sphere had taken his place on the doorstep. Ranma began roof-hopping to get to a secluded spot. He found one in an alleyway not too far away. Ranma kicked his leg forward, and another sphere appeared from under his foot. It traveled in a lazy arc and burst into a kaleidoscope of lights and colors when it hit the ground. Where it had landed, an oval shape appeared, floating in the air. It was a plethora of colors, most of them darker hues. Ranma leapt through it. The portal closed after him.

* * *

The next morning, Petunia Dursley thought that the clear crystal sphere was a strange but beautiful object, so she placed it on a stand on the mantel over the fireplace.

A week later, the Dursleys were arrested by the Ministry of Magic for losing Harry. Vernon and Petunia were sold into slavery to the goblins at Gringotts. Dudley was placed into an orphanage.

The Ministry made a thorough investigation of the area and found few traces of magic. The traces they did find happened to be elements of chaos magic. But certainly, no one would be foolish enough to dabble into chaos, for the very nature of it made it quite unpredictable and it had random side-effects. Attempts of trying to correct the side-effects while casting such a spell would cause one of three things: the spell would be a dud, the spell would be crippling to all involved, or the spell would be fatal to the caster.

One thing they did find was a single crystal sphere, wherein contained all of the tracking charms that had been placed on the boy. They knew that a master magician must have kidnapped Harry, but hadn't killed him.

Dumbledore, who was the last to have seen Harry, assured the Ministry that the boy was quite alive and healthy. He had made several tracking devices that were keyed to the boy's blood. Although the direction and distance meters seemed to be going haywire, the ones that monitored his health, moods, and safety, were working perfectly well.

The direction meter swung in a circle that took twenty-four hours to make a single revolution. The distance meter was always just over the maximum range he had set it to.

After several months, the Ministry decided to release the Dursleys, but the goblins at Gringotts claimed to have sold them to another tribe of goblins. When the Ministry demanded that the Gringotts goblins tell them which tribe and where they lived, the goblins threw them out of the bank.

* * *

Hrekkin was a small, diminutive goblin. He was only a foot tall and wore simple robes. He was carrying a large newspaper as he ran through the Castle to meet King Ranma.

"Sire!" he squeaked as he entered the Throne Room. "News from the wizards' side!"

Ranma, who had been playing with one of his sons, Soun (now three years old), turned to see Hrekkin carrying a newspaper as large as the runt was. He handed Soun off to his mother, Nabiki, and grabbed the paper. Hrekkin held on tight so he could show his King the article that was the point of interest. Ranma looked at the title of the newspaper. It read "The Daily Prophet".

**Gringotts Goblins Delay Investigation of Lost Boy**  
Earlier today, the Ministry of Magic was seen being thrown out of  
the London branch of the Gringotts Bank. The Ministry reported  
that it was simply trying to interrogate a couple of prisoners that  
the goblins were holding for them, but the goblins refused.

"Stop asking stupid questions," one Gringotts employee said when  
our reporters were finally allowed to enter the bank.

The prisoners in question were Vernon Dursley and Petunia  
Dursley, husband and wife. They have been charged with  
irresponsibly allowing their nephew, Harry Potter, to be  
kidnapped by an unknown entity that left but a single clue  
to the whereabouts of the boy.

All that the Ministry could find of the boy was a single crystal  
sphere with the boy's tracking charms sealed within it. Members  
of the Ministry refused further comment.

Harry, known to be the one to have stopped You-Know-Who, was  
last seen by the infamous Professor Albus Dumbledore of the  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Dumbledore assures  
us that wherever the Boy Who Lived is, he is safe, healthy and  
happy. Our journalists will keep the wizarding community up-  
to-date with the latest regarding the young Mr. Potter.

Ranma laughed.

"What's so funny, dear?" asked Nabiki while her son grabbed Hrekkin's robes and tried to pry him off of his father.

"The sheer amount of chaos stirred up by my act of... 'adopting' Harry is highly amusing."

"Really? What does the article say?"

Ranma repeated it to her. The entire throne room (except Hrekkin, who was being tortured by Soun) began to laugh.

* * *

Several weeks later, Sirius Black was arrested for the deaths of Peter Pettigrew and twelve Muggles. Ranma took interest in this. He waited for Black to be sent to Azkaban, the most horrifying prison in England.

Ranma set out to sneak into the prison, but he soon discovered that the grounds were guarded by dementors, some of the deadliest creatures on the planet of Earth.

So Ranma switched to Plan B. He sent a single crystal sphere to Azkaban. The dementors couldn't detect it. Neither could the Ministry of Magic.

Sirius was surprised to find that a crystal sphere was sitting on the windowsill of his cell. He picked it up. An image began to show within it. He saw a man with wild, white hair and strange eyebrows.

_Greetings,_ the image said to him within his mind. _Sirius Black, I presume._

"Yes. Who are you and what do you want?"

_Were you ever a supporter of Voldemort?_

"No. You still haven't answered my question."

_Persistent, I see. Very well. I am Saotome Ranma. I am the current Goblin King. I want to know some things about you._

"Goblin King? Very well. Ask away."

_Did you trade James' and Lily's lives for your own?_

"I would never betray them! That is what Peter Pettigrew did. And I failed to kill him."

_I see. Would you like to know where your godson is?_

"Of course! Is he alive? Is he well! Is he happy!"

Ranma's telepathic voice laughed. _Yes, yes, and yes. I have him here, with me. I have adopted him and I'll be taking care of him. I'll also see if I can't get you out of that prison legally._

"Why would you do such a thing for me?"

_As Goblin King, it is my duty to sow chaos in the world. Having you released from Azkaban would cause panic with some people. On top of that, I have seen your school records. Very impressive._

"What's in it for you?"

_You are currently the head of the Black Family, are you not?_

"Well, yes. Regretfully, I am the Count Black."

_Good. I have an idea that will anger Dumbledore to no end..._

* * *

Ranma visited Gringotts soon after his talk with Sirius Black. He was instantly recognized as the King and was served immediately. One of the goblins, Griphook, was sent to cater to Ranma's every whim.

"Well, Griphook, do you know why I came here today?"

"No, Sire. I do not."

"You know I have Harry Potter, correct?"

"Yes, my liege."

"I want you to keep a transaction record for all of the Potter family's accounts."

"To what point and purpose?"

"To the point that I say it is no longer needed. The purpose? I suspect that someone may have been dabbling in the Potter family's accounts. Who has been coming in with his keys?"

"Professor Albus Dumbledore."

"Ah. I guessed as much. Keep the records for evidence in court in a few years. Maybe when young Mr. Potter has become old enough to go to Hogwarts?"

Griphook laughed. Most (but not all) the goblins liked their new King, partially because he was just and fair, and partly because he was a psychotic trickster with kleptomaniac tendencies.

* * *

End Chapter One.

Next Chapter: Enrollment.

Author's Notes

Bleh. I can't write HP fanfics to save my life, so I'm brain dumping this.


	26. PotG ch2

Pride of the Goblins

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Stay the Hell away from the Bog of Eternal Stench. That is all.

Chapter Two: Ten Years Later

* * *

Ranma watched as Harry played with Soun and a number of members from the Fire Gang in the Goblin City outside the Castle. Harry was almost eleven years old now, Soun already thirteen. Suddenly, four more children joined the fray. All of them had white hair and strange eyebrows. One was fifteen years old, another was twelve, another would turn eleven a week before Harry, and the last was nine.

"They play so well together," said a woman's voice behind Ranma in Japanese.

Ranma refocused his eyes so he could see the woman's reflection. She was distinctly Chinese and had a thick Mandarin accent, though she spoke Japanese quite fluently. Her white hair was tied in a wide braid behind her and had a purple tint to it. She too had the strange eyebrows.

Ranma remembered the first time they had met quite vividly - he challenged her in a competition over food and she lost. She seemed quite pissed and vowed to kill him, though she ended up being engaged to him later. Most people remembered her name as "Shampoo", but Ranma knew it to be Xian Pu.

There was another woman behind her, playing with a six-year-old child who also had the strange eyebrows and shock of white hair. The woman was attempting to teach her young daughter how to make a complicated powdered toxin by breaking up several of the major phases into simple nursery rhymes. Again, this woman had white hair and weird eyebrows, but her hair was tinted silver, as if it had once been black. Her hair was pulled back into a tight, but long, ponytail.

"One, Two,  
"Drops of horse blood,  
"Three, Four,  
"Pinches of salt..."

The woman and her daughter chanted together while Xian Pu rolled her eyes at them.

In the corner, Nabiki, Ranma's second wife, was teaching an eight-year-old boy the basics of goblin politics while a two-year-old boy amused himself nearby by smashing several dolls made to look like orcs with a mallet (the dolls made screaming noises as they were squished and tried in vain to get away from the wrath of the toddler). Both boys were sons of Nabiki and their white hair was strangely well-kept, just like their mother's. Needless to say, they also had the weird eyebrows.

"Okay Misa," said the pony-tailed woman to her daughter. "Go practice the first two steps by yourself for awhile."

"Tired of teaching Misa new potions, Kodachi?" inquired Ranma.

"Not on your life!" responded the pony-tailed woman with absolutely no heat in her voice. "She's learning these formulae faster everyday... if only Tatewaki were still around..."

"You mean your son or your brother?" inquired Xian Pu.

"My brother."

"Ow, that has got to hurt," commented Ranma when the ten-year-old who was barely older than Harry outside accidentally caused a building to collapse on himself.

"What happened?" asked Kodachi.

"Tatewaki dumped a building on his own head."

Kodachi shrugged. "He'll live."

"Let me guess," said Xian Pu. "He used the Bakusai Tenketsu in the wrong place again?"

"Yup," replied Ranma, laughter in his eyes. "Xian, I think you'll want to know what your daughter is doing."

Xian Pu stood up and walked to the window. She searched for the twelve-year-old girl among the brawl. She soon found the girl beating a Fire Gang member over the head with both of his own legs. Xian Pu laughed.

"Kho Lon seems to have things well-in-hand!" Suddenly, her laughter ceased.

"Ooo... ow," muttered Ranma. "Seems Harry snuck up on her."

Harry was soon being ganged up on by Kho Lon and the nine-year-old girl.

"Hey Nabiki!" called Xian Pu.

"Yeah," replied the woman in the corner.

"Nodaka is beating Harry with an arm. Again."

"Poor girl," muttered Nabiki. "She can't decide whether she likes Harry or not... Well, Ryu, shall we continue?"

"Sure Mama," replied the eight-year-old. He glanced at the two-year-old. "Just to let you know, I think Kanta is going to need more victims soon."

Nabiki glanced at her other son in the room. The stuffing from the dolls was coming out of them in random places. A couple of the dolls neither screamed nor moved - they had lost too much stuffing. "Yeah. I'll make sure Goffi creates some more."

"There goes Tsiin Ku with his pyrotechnics again," said Ranma as the fifteen-year-old boy began shooting jets of flame out of his palms at Kho Lon and Nodaka. The girls dodged the assault while Harry used the body of the nearby Fire Gang member as a shield.

Suddenly, the flames died out as Soun got Tsiin Ku into a headlock. Unfortunately, they happened to both be standing on the rubble from Tatewaki's earlier mistake and they got blasted upwards by the ten-year-old's second Bakusai Tenketsu. He suddenly got Nodaka's boot in his stomach, but he merely shrugged it, and all her consequent attacks, off like they were barely enough to stun him. Ranma had continued to give a play-by-play account of the fight until someone yelled at him.

"DAD!" exclaimed an annoyed Ryu. "I'm trying to study!"

Ranma merely chuckled with amusement as a retort.

The brawl continued to progress for another three hours until Harry and Tatewaki were the only two still able to stand (all the Fire Gang members involved had their various body parts scattered so widely that it would take hours for them to be able to link back up properly). Harry pulled a crystal sphere from inside his clothes and dropped it on Tsiin Ku's head. It disappeared as soon as it touched the older boy. Tsiin Ku seemed to be suddenly awake and healed... but he had a cat's tail sticking out over his belt. He simply ripped it off. Tsiin Ku lifted an unconscious Soun onto his shoulders, Harry carried Kho Lon, and Tatewaki carried Nodaka. They returned to the Castle in silence.

* * *

Ranma was soon found teaching all his children, and Harry, all about the Impossibility Room. Xian Pu, Nabiki, and Kodachi were all also watching Ranma teach. Kanta, who was far too young to understand the complicated subject of the physics of chaos, was sitting in Nabiki's arms, twisting the limbs of one of his orc dolls. The doll whimpered and cried out at appropriate intervals.

Floating in the middle of the Room was a crystal sphere.

"Now," said Ranma. "Who, other than Tsiin Ku, can tell me why the Impossibility Room is a great place for magical scrying?"

Nodaka raised her hand. She began speaking when Ranma gestured towards her. "Because the chaos is so saturated in this room that any and all barriers and wards against scrying tend to fail."

"Thank you Nodaka." As Ranma continued, Kho Lon whispered into Harry's ear.

"I think she deserves a fish."

Harry sniggered. Suddenly, he was falling... "upwards", head-over-heels, with a large bump on the top of his head. He landed on the... "ceiling".

"Ow..." muttered Harry.

"Pay attention," commanded Ranma, looking... "up" at him.

"Kho Lon's fault!" retorted Harry.

"I don't ca-" began Ranma, but then the crystal sphere in the middle of the Room began to shine. It showed an image of Ranma, Harry, and Tatewaki in London. Suddenly, the sphere shattered and dissolved.

Everyone in the Room blinked.

"Well," began Ranma. "It seems as though destiny and/or chaos wish us to be there." He turned to his wives. "Xian, Nabs, Ko? Can I count on you three to run the kingdom?"

"Of course," replied Nabiki over a particularly painful scream from Kanta's doll.

"Good. Consult Jareth if you need him. Tatewaki, Harry? Pack your things. We may be there for awhile."

* * *

Morning found Dumbledore staring at his Directometer, the one that was keyed to Harry Potter's blood. It was pointing in the direction of London. He was excited; Harry was finally back!

Dumbledore checked the list of new students for the next term. Harry's name was back on the list. He glanced through it and found a new name had been added to it: Saotome Tatewaki. Dumbledore recognized it as a Japanese name.

By the end of the week, Dumbledore's information network had located Harry, though the boy seemed to have joined some sort of gang. There was another boy with him with similarly shock-white hair and weird eyebrows. The other boy's hair was longer and wilder than Harry's, though their hair was swept-back for the most part. There was also a full-grown man with them, also with white hair and strange eyebrows. His hair was also wild, but it ended in a pigtail in the back. Dumbledore figured that this man had adopted Harry as his son.

* * *

On the thirtieth of July, the day before Harry's birthday, Harry was surprised to have a letter delivered to him via an owl. Tatewaki received one as well.

Mr. H. Potter  
Number 13 Lucky Street  
Islington  
London

HOGWARTS SCHOOL  
_of_ WITCHCRAFT _and _WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore  
_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,  
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,  
_ Minerva McGonagall  
_ Minerva McGonagall,  
_ Deputy Headmistress_

Tatewaki's letter was very similar.

Mr. T. Saotome  
Number 13 Lucky Street  
Islington  
London

HOGWARTS SCHOOL  
_of_ WITCHCRAFT _and _WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore  
_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,  
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

Dear Mr. Saotome,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,  
_ Minerva McGonagall  
_ Minerva McGonagall,  
_ Deputy Headmistress_

"What do they mean, they 'await your owl'?" asked Tatewaki.

"I'm not entirely sure," replied Ranma. "I seem to remember that wizards communicate via letters carried by owls."

"Weird," commented Harry. "Have they never heard of telepathy?"

"I don't think they have," said the Goblin King.

There was a knock on the door. Ranma looked through the peephole. He suddenly opened the door, dragged the knocking man inside, and shut and locked the door.

The man he dragged in was very short and had diminutive glasses on the bridge of his nose. He looked bewildered that he had been handled so roughly.

"Who are you?" inquired Ranma threateningly.

"Professor Flitwick, an instructor at Hogwarts," replied the short man calmly.

"What are you doing here?"

"Insuring that you are able to make a reply to the administration at Hogwarts."

"Is that normal?" asked Tatewaki.

"Only for those without owls," commented Flitwick casually. "And for Muggleborns."

"Well boys, are you going to go to this school for magic?" asked Ranma.

Harry and Tatewaki looked at each other in unison. Then (also in unison) they grinned, turned, and replied.

"Yes."

"Very well," said Flitwick.

He took out a quill, an inkpot, and some parchment and wrote a note to Professor Dumbledore. He then pulled out a wand and pointed it at the door. It instantly unlocked and opened, admitting a grey barn owl into the room. It took the parchment and flew off. With another wave of his wand, Flitwick closed and locked the door again.

"I am to guide you to the Leaky Cauldron tomorrow," began Flitwick in his squeaky voice. "There you will meet Rubeus Hagrid, the gamekeeper at Hogwarts. He will help you both purchase your school supplies."

* * *

After Flitwick had gone to sleep on the sofa, Ranma, Harry, and Tatewaki deliberated on whether or not they should just slit the short man's throat. Ranma was all for the idea of slitting the man's throat and leaving him in a dumpster somewhere. Tatewaki wanted to rough him up instead. Harry, on the other hand, was curious about this magic school. Using goblin political tactics, Harry finally managed to convince Ranma against causing harm to the diminutive man on the sofa after two hours of debate.

"Besides," said Harry. "He was able to use regular magic to get a controlled result with no side-effects. That would be infinitely useful for me, and for your family."

"True," agreed Ranma. "You and Tatewaki are going to Hogwarts then."

"I agreed to no such deal!" retorted the other boy.

"You'll be grounded for a year if you don't go."

"Oh? And how will you manage enforcing that, Dad?"

"**_I_** won't be enforcing it. Matron Aanaq will."

Tatewaki's eyes widened in fear as his jaw slackened.

"Harsh," stated Harry.

"I'll be good," said Tatewaki timidly. "I'll go to Hogwarts."

"On a brighter note," began Harry. "Just think of all the chaos we'll be able to cause once we're there."

"Just a thought though," chimed in Tatewaki, who was a lot more calm now that the subject had changed. "Exactly how are we going to pay for our supplies?"

"Glad you asked," said Tatewaki's father. "First of all, the wizards' banks in this world are owned and operated primarily by goblins. Second, Harry's parents were loaded. There's more money in Harry's trust fund than he could manage to spend in a lifetime, if he's frugal."

"Sire," began Harry. "I'm a goblin. Greed and frugality are the same thing to me."

"Precisely. And that is only ONE of the vaults you own."

"Dad? What about us?"

"I'm sure Harry will be willing to let us borrow some money..."

"Only if you pay interest."

"... wait, what?"

"Greedy as a goblin, remember?"

"I can still tell them to freeze your accounts."

"Touché. Fine. Zero percent interest." At Ranma's dirty look, Harry hastily amended his statement. "... as a fixed rate!"

Ranma smiled.

* * *

End Chapter Two.

Author's Notes

The other chapter. I hope I have progressed better as a writer than this.

It makes me cringe.


	27. The Brothers from Shetland, MLP FiM

The Brothers from Shetland

by 5007  
(aka Lord Dragon Claw)

Disclaimer: "My Little Pony" is owned by Hasbro. The "Friendship is Magic" version was designed by the wonderful Lauren Faust. Seeing as how I am neither affiliated with either entity nor do I plan to make money off of this, I will refrain from claiming ownership of any canonical facet of MLP. On the other hand, I will twist canon to my own dark-yet-humorous view for your entertainment. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Chapter One: Civilization! ... or what passes for such.

* * *

"The sun rose late," commented one unicorn to his brother, eyeing the rapidly rising sphere of flame through the canopy. "That's never happened before. I wonder why it did and if the Summer Solstice had anything to do about it."

He turned his good eye, his left one, to view his traveling companion who had lagged behind again. Limping because of an old injury to his left hind leg, the second unicorn, a dark green coat with a red, slicked-back mane and violet eyes hurried forwards to catch up. His cutie mark was a protractor set at seventy degrees.

"We won't know until we find another settlement, Straet," replied the limping stallion, the upper-half of his horn broken off in a jagged line.

Straet always felt pained when he saw his brother's broken horn - it was his fault that his twin lost his horn and all his spells, save minor telekinesis.

"Straet," admonished the green unicorn when he finally caught up, stepping around some blue-leafed plants. "You had better not be thinking about how my horn broke in that fight with the trinoceros - I keep telling you that I don't blame you."

The first stallion sighed, shaking out his long, unruly dark grey mane that was draped over the right side of his face. "I know, Yuclid, but I haven't forgiven myself for that."

Rolling his eyes, Yuclid shoulder-checked his twin brother, causing the grey-eyed unicorn to go down hard into a mud puddle, dirtying his pale-blue coat and caking his mane. Straet glared at his brother with his one good eye, rubbing his eye patch with the ankle of his hoof.

"If anyone's to blame for anything," began the broken-horned stallion "then I am to blame for the loss of your right eye and ear when that acid viper attacked us."

Straet growled, but picked himself up. "I caused you to lose your magic..."

"And I caused you to lose your depth-perception. And I'm deeply sorry about it, but you've forgiven me."

Yuclid nuzzled Straet's neck with his nose before continuing. "And I've forgiven you for the loss of my horn. We've both found ways around our hardships, but we need to think of the present and the future!"

Straet began leading Yuclid through the forest again. "Right. That's what father always used to say: 'Dwelling on the past blinds you to the present and leaves you vulnerable to the future.'"

"Exactly," agreed the green unicorn. "No more wallowing in regret for you!"

Straet snorted with laughter. "Grandmother's favorite admonition."

Yuclid smiled, glad to see his light blue twin brother was feeling better.

* * *

The brothers began to hear a great, joyous din coming from the distance. It sounded like a celebration of some sort, and where there were celebrations, there were settlements. The brothers hurried towards the sound.

It was not coming from a settlement but from a town outside the reaches of the Everfree Forest, which Yuclid and Straet had never left before. Ever cautious, the brothers decided to observe from a distance. Straet used a telescopic sight spell to view what the commotion was about. Lacking most spells, Yuclid pulled a pair of binoculars he had made from his saddlebag.

To say that they were stunned by the sight of a pair of alicorns in the center of the festival would be an understatement. Having only met other unicorns and earth ponies in their long travels, they were taken aback by the mythic alicorns simply standing there at the center of attention. What they noticed next was that there were many pegasi flying about, helping with the celebrations.

While Straet's brain tried to restart, Yuclid's ever-analytical mind realized that the pegasi, earth ponies, and unicorns were roughly equal in number, but only two alicorns existed in the whole town. What was more, they seemed to be treated like they were elders... maybe even higher-ranked than that. Yuclid put his binoculars away while he processed the information.

"Brother?" began the green unicorn as he quickly calculated a way down.

"Yeah, Yuclid?" responded the blue unicorn, breaking his gaze from the sight of the alicorns and casting a simple feather fall spell on the both of them.

"I think we should camp away from this town for tonight and try to find a way in tomorrow, pending more observation."

"Yeah," replied Straet nervously, having never seen so many ponies in one place before. "Good idea."

* * *

Odd as it was to not have a full amount of sunlight on the Summer Solstice, the sun set on time, making what was supposed to be the longest day of the year last only five hours total - even shorter than the length of the day of Winter Solstice.

They took to the trees, making a small platform out of fallen branches and bent boughs halfway up the canopy to keep out of the reach of the larger predators that tended to prowl the Forest at night. They didn't go higher in the trees because they still needed the cover of the canopy to hide them from the occasional opportunistic dragon that might fly overhead and snatch one of them off of the treetops.

As they settled down for the night, Yuclid took first watch as he always did. As he looked up at the night sky, the moon seemed more vivid. The dark splotch upon its surface that looked like a mare was gone, oddly enough, but it shone more brightly than Yuclid remembered it ever being even accounting for that. Additionally, the stars shined brighter than they had the night before, and he didn't recognize their positions at first due to the fact that there seemed to be twenty percent more stars in the sky, but he quickly figured out the problem when he finally identified Orion's belt.

Not much happened over the course of Yuclid's watch, but he did hear a manticore pride fighting with a pack of dire wolves somewhere in the distance. In the middle of the night, he finally woke Straet up for his watch, pausing long enough to warn him about the increased beauty of the night sky before he settled down onto the cot built into their temporary platform. Straet was similarly confused by the nocturnal skyscape until he identified Polaris, and everything else fell into place.

The sun rose on time that morning, giving a sense of normalcy to the unicorn's heart that relieved him beyond words to describe as the gigantic ball of burning plasma cast a verdant light through the leaves of the forest canopy. He put his hoof gently on Yuclid's flank, barely touching his cutie mark before he pulled his appendage away quickly. The scars from the last time he woke his brother too quickly were faded, but Straet didn't want to have to walk with a cast again if he could help it.

With that gentle touch, Yuclid would wake in a matter of minutes. Straet began collecting tender leaves for them to breakfast on before they tried to enter the town they had seen the day before. Wondering if the ponies of this new town would be anywhere near as snobbish as the earth pony settlement of Brisbray was (they found it last year and didn't even stay a week), Straet slowly munched on his half of the meal.

* * *

The hush of the Everfree Forest was only ever broken by the sounds of predatory creatures (notably apex predators). Many ponies who wandered into the chaotic wood failed to come back out because they knew not the dinner bells they were ringing. The ponies who not only lived but thrived within the expansive Everfree Forest knew when to make sounds and when to be stealthy. They also tended to keep together in their villages and settlements and draw safety from their numbers. Unfortunately, this gave rise to superstitions about outsiders, especially with shapeshifters occasionally trying to prey on young foals.

Hence why when Yuclid and Straet exited the Everfree Forest, they were surprised by the lack of guards at Ponyville's borders. Unless that angry-looking rabbit counted. It bolted when they got close to it, unsurprisingly. What was strange was that it darted inside of a cottage and kicked the door closed. The multitude of animals that hung around the building dived into their own bolt-holes, following the white lagomorph's lead.

The brothers were put on guard when they saw something pink and bouncing heading towards them...

* * *

Twilight Sparkle was very, very excited. Her first full day of living in Ponyville! Yesterday didn't count as she spent most of it fighting Nightmare Moon in the Everfree Forest, and the day before that she had just arrived, but today she was going to live it to the fullest!

Except... what do friends _do_? She wanted to research it, but then she'd spend hours reading her books. While she considered that as an acceptable way to pass the time, she wouldn't be doing it with friends. And if she didn't get to researching friends soon, Princess Celestia would think she was slacking off! Then SHE'D be banished to the Moon! And-

There was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it!" volunteered Spike, putting down a stack of books.

Twilight had lost her train of thought for the moment. What was she thinking about?

"Oh hi Pinkie Pie!" Spike pleasantly exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Hi Spike! Twilight's still in, isn't she!"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Twilight!" Pinkie exclaimed, barreling past the baby dragon, causing him to spin in place like a top. "I was going to visit Fluttershy when I made an important discovery! There are two new NEW ponies in Ponyville! Do you know what kind of cake they might like!"

"Woah, hold on a second!" the light-purple mare requested. "What does cake have to do with two new ponies?"

"I'm going to throw a party for them, silly!"

Twilight blinked. "Right. How would I know what kind of cake they would like?"

"Well, they're unicorns like you! And they're new!"

"- like me." Twilight shook her head, exasperated. "Look, I don't know anything about them, really. How about you just go with chocolate? Nearly everypony loves chocolate."

"Great idea!" Pinkie agreed before bouncing out of the library at a good clip.

"New ponies, huh?" asked Spike.

"Apparently," replied the unicorn before she turned to the baby dragon. "I'm going to go greet them because Pinkie probably gasped at them like she did to me."

"Yeah, awkward. I'll just continue sorting the books."

"Thank you, Spike."

* * *

Unicorns, more than other kinds of ponies or magical creatures, tend to have a feel for the inherent magic in their surroundings. Whereas the Everfree Forest felt wild, savage, random, Ponyville felt clean, calm, and strong to the twin brothers. The rest of the country of Equestria probably felt that way too.

"_We're getting odd looks_," whispered the one-eyed unicorn.

"_Of course we are_," Yuclid whispered back. "_We're new and we look like we just spent the past fifteen years in the wild_."

"_We_ did _spend the past fifteen years in the wild!_"

Yuclid smiled in response, prompting the blue pony to frown and narrow his eye.

"_I'd appreciate it if you didn't make fun of me in public_."

"_Not like they can hear us_ - WE'RE WHISPERING!"

At his shout, many of the ponies of Ponyville gave them a brief look before shrugging and going about their business, being used to a certain pink mare's antics. Straet, on the other hand, growled at his irritating brother. Yuclid chuckled at that.

"_You don't seem to be very good at whispering_," said a voice above them. They both looked up to see a cyan-blue pegasus with a multicolor mane. "Hi!"

"Well, hello," responded the dark green unicorn. "First time we've ever met a pegasus before. I'm Yuclid."

"Rainbow Dash. I'm in charge of the weather around here."

Both unicorn and pegasus looked at the light blue unicorn, eyebrows raised.

"Straet. Straet Shott."

"See, Brother?" said the red-maned unicorn. "Not that hard to socialize in a new place."

Straet snorted. "That's what you said about Brisbray."

Yuclid blinked. "Not one of my better moments."

"Brisbray?" asked Dash, landing in front of the brothers. "Where's that?"

"It's an earth pony settlement deep in the Everfree Forest," responded Straet. "And they are pretty mean there."

"Yeah," agreed the broken-horned unicorn. "If you can't wrestle a ganted into submission, you're worthless in their eyes."

"What's a 'ganted'?" asked the pegasus.

Yuclid blinked. "Right. You're not from the Everfree. They're really big and ornery crocodiles that can set things on fire just by staring at them."

Dash gave a look of disbelief at the idea of ganteds, but realized they said something else. "Wait, you guys are from the Everfree Forest! That's so cool!"

"Um... thanks?" offered Straet.

"I've heard stories about ponies going into the Forest, but most of them are never heard from again! And you guys just waltz out of it like it's nopony's business!"

"Well, we were _born_ in the Forest," stated Straet. "Isn't that right, Yuclid?"

They turned to where the dark green unicorn had been standing only to find that he was gone.

"Yuclid?" Straet then sighed. "I hate it when he does this."

* * *

Said unicorn was actually hiding atop one of the buildings nearby, watching his brother awkwardly try to converse with the pegasus.

"I am glad I can still use telekinesis," muttered Yuclid. "Especially since I figured out how to use it to lift _myself_ up."

"I didn't know you could do that with telekinesis!" exclaimed a voice to his right.

The green unicorn whirled to face his potential attacker, ready to fling several of the roof tiles at his assailant with telekinesis, when he realized that it was a light-purple unicorn mare he was about to strike. She had backed off a bit at his sudden movement and looked more than a little nervous.

Blinking, Yuclid placed the hardened ceramic tiles back when he had ripped them from. "My apologies. You startled me. I am Yuclid Shott."

"Twilight Sparkle," responded the mare. "You're only able to use telekinesis?"

"Yes. Broken horn and all."

"Oh. I'm so sorry. I haven't heard of anypony with an injury like that." Genuinely interested in continuing the conversation. _Maybe I can make friends with him too? More friends isn't a bad thing, right?_

"Well, that's good," replied the stallion, sounding mildly bitter. "Wouldn't want anypony else to have to deal with what I've lived through."

Twilight's ears went flat against the back of her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up -"

"- bad memories?" Yuclid shook his head. "I've got a few good ones to keep me going. It's my brother down there that I'm more worried about. He's so morose." Blinking, he turned back to the mare. "Speaking of which, how did you get up here, anyway?"

"I teleported when I noticed a non-pegasus pony up here," she replied casually.

Yuclid's eyes nearly bugged out. "Teleported! Dragon's hoard, mare! You must have a lot of power!"

Twilight blushed and tried to make herself smaller (without using magic).

The green pony sighed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"No, it's okay," she insisted. "I'm just not used to interaction with others. I just moved here myself."

"Ah." Yuclid looked contemplative for a moment. She was certainly cute and didn't seem to have ties to anypony else- _and you're just a savage from a savage forest! Stop thinking like this!_

Yuclid sighed. Straet deserved somepony to love. Resolving to keep from getting distracted, he decided to voice his question.

"So you wouldn't know who could give us a place to sleep for a few days until we decide on what we're going to do?"

Twilight blushed at the thought that came into her head but she voiced it anyway. "Well, there are a couple of unused rooms in the library I'm living in. Unused except by books, anyway." _Way to go, Twi. Now he'll think you're being forward._

"A library?" His face brightened at the thought. _Books! Plural! Mountains of them!_ "Are there any books on engineering?"

"I'm not sure," she said, scratching her chin with a hoof. "Spike and I haven't sorted through the entire place yet."

"Spike?" he replied sullenly. _Thought so - she's got a coltfriend._

"He's my assistant; a baby dragon," she said with pride, similar to how a mother feels for her child.

Yuclid cocked his head to the side. "A baby _dragon_? Well, it'll certainly be interesting to meet a dragon that's not trying to cook me for dinner."

Twilight shook her head. "Spike's definitely not like that. He can eat nearly anything, but gemstones are his favorite."

Yuclid nodded, before turning to where his brother was still talking to the pegasus... and a white unicorn mare with a silky, shiny, purple mane. "Well, I'll have to tell Straet, my brother, that we have a place for the night. Excuse me."

Before Twilight could even ask what he was about to do, Yuclid jumped off of the roof and used his telekinesis to propel himself forward enough that he landed right on his brother's back, bringing them both to the ground.

* * *

_A few minutes earlier..._

"Wow. He's sneaky," stated Dash. "I wonder how he did it without a sound? Did he use a silence spell or did he teleport?"

"Well... he used to be able to do silencing spells, but then his horn got broken." Straet looked a little ashamed at the mention of it. "Teleporting is a high-level spell though."

"Really?" The blue pegasus looked confused. "But my good friend Twilight Sparkle teleports around town on a regular basis..."

The light blue unicorn went slack-jawed at that. Or maybe it was the white unicorn coming up behind Rainbow Dash? Nope, his eye was unfocused.

"Rainbow Dash!" chided the white mare in a playful manner. "You must introduce me to your new friend!"

Straet closed his mouth as he noticed the beautiful female unicorn. He also noticed her coifed purple mane and alluringly twisted tail. He stopped himself from admiring (read: ogling) her any further. _Way out of my league._

"Sure thing, Rarity!" Dash said with a smile. "This is Straet Shott. He and his brother, Yuclid are visiting town for the moment. Straet? This is Rarity, she runs a fashion boutique."

"A _what_ now?" the light blue unicorn asked.

"Don't you know what fashion is?" Rarity asked, trying to keep pleasant though it was obvious she couldn't believe the concept. "Or do you not know what a boutique is?"

"Well, I know how to fashion weaponry, but I think the way you used the word it means something else. And I've never heard that other wor-"

He was interrupted by Yuclid landing right on top of him, knocking them both into the dirt.

"Hey, Brother!" exclaimed the dark green unicorn as he got himself up. "I found a place for us to stay for the night."

Coughing, Straet gave his brother a one-eyed glare. "Can you please stop doing that whenever we get somewhere we haven't been before!"

"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean."

Snarling, Straet threw a left hook at Yuclid's face, the hoof making a resounding thwack as it impacted Yuclid. The dark green unicorn didn't even move, though his horn was glowing violet slightly as was Straet's simple iron horseshoe.

"Temper, temper. We are in public you know."

Straet's eye began to twitch as Yuclid turned to the shocked mares just standing there, watching the exchange.

"I apologize," the broken-horned stallion said airily. "He always does something embarrassing. I can't take him anywhere..."

Rarity and Rainbow Dash glanced at each other before giggling.

"You really _are_ the hypocrite, aren't you?" the white unicorn asked.

"How did you do that trick?" Of course Rainbow Dash wanted to know how a non-pegasus pony was able to fly. "Was it teleportation?"

"Why does everypony think it's teleportation?" Yuclid asked, annoyed.

"Because they don't know how good you are at telekinesis," stated Twilight as she teleported to stand next to her friends.

"Wait... _That_ was telekinesis!" Rarity inquired. Clearly she was shocked.

Yuclid rubbed the back of his head with a hoof while Straet smirked smugly at him. Yuclid never did like to be the center of attention.

"Cool!" squealed Rainbow Dash. "What other spells do you know?"

The dark-green unicorn coughed something that sounded like "elephant dude hop sickles", but nopony around thought that the answer made any sense.

"I'm sorry," apologized Rarity teasingly. "I didn't catch that."

"Oikandutharspolz."

"They can't understand you, Brother." Straet was relishing in the pseudo-torment of Yuclid - he didn't get many chances to make jokes at the dark green stallion's expense, so he seized every opportunity he could.

Yuclid snorted in frustration. "I CAN'T DO OTHER SPELLS!" He shook his head as he yelled this. But his voice suddenly went back to normal, throwing the other ponies for a loop. "I used to be able to do lots of spells, but I can only do telekinesis now that my horn is broken."

"Gah!" coughed Straet. _I _know _it's an act to keep us from talking about him, but he can still switch gears so quickly it startles me!_

The green unicorn chuckled. _Gets them every time..._

* * *

"So you're in charge of the weather?" Yuclid asked.

"Yup," responded Rainbow Dash above him, easily keeping up with the group. "For Ponyville, at least."

"Huh," he said. Clearly, the meteorological laws he had learned from his parents so long ago didn't work in the country of Equestria. "In the Everfree Forest, the weather takes care of itself."

Dash shuddered at that. "Creepy."

The green unicorn chuckled.

Twilight chose this moment to chime in with her knowledge. "Actually, when Princess Celestia and Princess Luna began their rule, the weather in Equestria took care of itself, as did the seasons. Considering how random and dangerous it turned out to be, they changed the nature of the weather to something more controllable. Pegasi were then charged with controlling the weather, and everyone was given the responsibility of the changing of the seasons in exchange for protection against sudden storms."

"Oh," responded Yuclid, as thoughts rushed through his head. "That's an interesting arrangement. Seems fair though. A little bit of labor in exchange for nopony having to worry about a sudden hailstorm ruining their day."

Meanwhile, Rarity was explaining her job to a very confused Straet.

"Wait... you mean ponies pay you to design clothes that aren't necessarily functional?" Straet couldn't understand such a ridiculous notion, and his expression reflected it.

"Well," began the white unicorn, exasperated at Straet's lack of culture. "Yes. That's what fashion is all about."

The light-blue unicorn groaned. "I don't get other ponies..."

Rarity shook her head before asking a question that had been bugging her. "So, what does your cutie mark mean?"

Straet's cutie mark was a target with an arrow stuck in the bull's eye.

"It means I can hit anything I'm aiming at with anything I throw or shoot."

"So," began Dash, asking a question of both brothers. "Where are you from exactly?"

"Shetland," responded Straet, suddenly looking pained.

"It was a nice unicorn settlement," continued Yuclid sullenly.

"We don't like talking about it much..."

"... Especially since we're the only two surviving members of it. Please, don't ask."

"Oh," responded the cyan-blue pegasus. "I'm sorry."

Before the situation could get any more awkward, a pink earth pony with a pink mane bounced up to the group.

"You boys have GOT to come to Sugarcube Corner!" She seemed absolutely giddy.

Yuclid blinked before responding. "You're that pony that gasped at us."

* * *

Pinkie soon learned that the brothers she was throwing a party for were born in the Everfree Forest. She didn't care. It didn't matter. It wasn't like they chose to live there, unlike that creepy mare that came out of the woods every now and then.

Anyway, Yuclid seemed content to mingle and had fun talking to other ponies on an individual basis. That was good! He was having no trouble making acquaintances as long as not too many ponies crowded him. And acquaintances led to friends!

Straet, on the other hand, seemed in a sour, nervous mood. Hmmm...

"I'd bet you'd be great at party games!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie from behind the light blue unicorn!

"GAH!" gasped Straet as he tripped over his own hooves to face his sudden assailant... oh wait, it was that crazy pink mare. "Wait, what?"

"You should play some party games! This is a party, and you should have fun!"

"But-"

She tied a cloth over his good eye before he could react. How was that mare so fast!

"Here, let's play 'pin the tail on the pony'. Here's the tail and the poster with the pony on it is in this direction." She turned him to face the poster after putting the pin holding the paper tail in his hoof.

"Hmmm... it's straight ahead of me, is it?" he asked.

"Yesseree!"

His horn glowed, enveloping the pin and the paper tail briefly before the glow died down.

"Not very aerodynamic..." he muttered. "Still..."

Surprising Pinkie (and everypony else who was watching), Straet did not walk straight ahead until he reached the poster to pin the tail to it. Instead, he threw the pin right at the poster. Ponies gasped when they heard the dull "thunk" the impromptu projectile made as it imbedded itself into the poster and the wall behind it. The music stopped as the light blue unicorn removed the cloth from his eye. The pin was three inches away from the flank of the drawing of a yellow pony on the poster, making the tail seem to hover in mid-air to the right of the pony.

"Not bad for a blind shot, if I do say so myself," commented Straet.

Impressed, many of the guests began to applaud, stomping their hooves where they stood.

"That was awesome!" exclaimed Pinkie, bouncing in place. She suddenly stopped. "I'll get the dart board!"

Within three seconds, the poster was removed from the wall and a dartboard was hung in it's place. Pinkie was suddenly next to Straet with a box of darts balanced on one hoof. He could see that there were fifteen in all, of five different colors.

"Anypony else want to compete!" she asked, excited.

"You're on!" Rainbow Dash replied immediately.

"I'll have a go!" responded a slate blue unicorn stallion with a safety pin cutie mark a moment later. His curly white mane seemed to reflect the light in such a way that it appeared light blue.

"I'd like to be the fifth player!" called out a light yellow-orange earth pony stallion from across the room. He had a yellow mane and a guitar cutie mark.

Meanwhile, Yuclid was having an engaging conversation with a beige stallion with a drab brown mane that was almost black. The stallion had an hourglass for a cutie mark.

"So everything is made up of molecules, which are in turn made of atoms?" asked the dark green unicorn as he took a sip of his levitating glass of punch.

"That is correct. The fun part is being able to visualize the atoms and then figure out how they are put together to make the molecules. For example, water is made of one hydrogen molecule connected to one oxygen, which is connected to another hydrogen."

"And the air we breathe is made up of a bunch of molecules and other particles, yes?" Yuclid had never known this sort of thing was possible, but then again, he did live in the middle of a dangerous forest up until now. Perhaps pony science had advanced this far in the more civilized Equestria?

"Quite."

"How do you know this stuff?"

"Well, I _am_ the stallion known as the Doctor." Pride was obvious in his voice.

Yuclid cocked his head, obviously confused. "Doctor who?"

"Doctor Whooves, actually."

"Oh, so 'Doctor' is actually your name," Yuclid realized after a moment.

"And I'd like to introduce you to my better half," said the earth pony, pointing a hoof across the room at a wall-eyed grey pegasus mare fluttering near the refreshment table with seven bubbles as her cutie mark. "She's over there looking for muffins, so it'll be a moment before she comes over here."

_Obviously, interspecies breeding isn't a problem in this country like it is in many of the settlements in Everfree,_ thought Yuclid, taking another sip of his drink.

"I know that life in the Forest must be tough," began Doctor Whooves, "but how was it? Even in all of my travels I have never come across a place with as much wild magic as the Everfree possessed."

Yuclid eyed him strangely. "What would you know of magic? I thought earth ponies can't use magic..."

"Earth ponies have their own form of magic in that we recover from sickness and injury faster than other ponies," answered the Doctor. "But I use many different machines to monitor magical energy emissions and other such radiations."

"I'm impressed," commented Yuclid. "I had no idea that Equestria was so advanced..."

"Actually, it's mostly just me," corrected the earth stallion, sounding embarrassed.

Yuclid was so startled that the little bit of concentration used to levitate his glass was lost for a brief moment, but he luckily didn't spill it when he caught it again. Before the dark green unicorn could ask what he meant, the aforementioned grey mare flew over to where they were, holding a plate of muffins of various kinds in her mouth. The Doctor put his hoof up and the pegasus gently, and expertly, balanced the plate on it.

"Yuclid Shott, allow me to introduce the mare of my life, Ditzy 'Derpy' Doo Whooves. Derpy, this is Yuclid, one of the brothers that Pinkie is throwing this party for."

"H-hi," she said meekly, grabbing a muffin from the plate with a hoof.

Raising an eyebrow, Yuclid replied with a friendly hello. Before the unicorn could get the conversation back on track, the Doctor leaned in towards Derpy's ear and whispered something. Both of her eyes went wide before they both zeroed in on Yuclid's face.

"You're a mathematician?" she asked, all pretenses of shyness suddenly gone.

"Uh... yes."

"Are you well-versed in trigonometry and calculus?"

"Trig is my forte, but the math text I actually have doesn't go very far into the concept of calculus." Yuclid wondered where this conversation was going.

Derpy smiled, closing her eyes as she did so, and began to eat her muffins, starting with the one she had been holding during most of the conversation. Confused, Yuclid turned his head to the beige earth pony.

"She's got a multiple-shot rapid-fire ballista project going that I haven't been able to do much help with. Trigonometry and geometry have little to do with quantum and particle physics I'm afraid, so I haven't the slightest clue as to how to help her with her weapon."

Yuclid nodded. _That would explain a bit._ "My brother would also be happy to sight the thing in for you as well. He loves firing at ranged targets."

Just as he finished speaking, another round of applause filled the room. The three ponies, earth, unicorn, and pegasus, turned to see the dart game that Pinkie, Dash, and Straet were taking part in was nearly finished. The slate grey unicorn had just magically thrown his final dart, making his third bullseye and looking happy with himself.

The Doctor chuckled. "Pierce is certainly pleased with his ability to manipulate any pointy object to his will."

"Hmm," began Yuclid. "He had to use his magic to throw it though."

Doctor Whooves gave Yuclid an odd look. _Don't all unicorns throw objects with their magic?_

Rainbow Dash was next, and it was obvious that she was frustrated. Her other two darts had gotten on the innermost ring near the bullseye, but she hadn't actually hit the center circle yet. With a grunt of exertion, she threw the dart with her mouth and smiled as her third throw had actually gotten the very bottom of the bullseye.

The third player, the light yellow-orange earth stallion, cheerfully picked up his final dart with his tail. With a swish of his hindmost appendage, the small dart went flying. Though his dart landed on the outermost ring, it struck right next to his other two.

Yuclid whistled. "Impressive aim."

"But Bluegrass only got the outer ring all three times..." commented Derpy.

"I don't think he was aiming at the bullseye, my dear," said the Doctor. "Besides, you've seen him when he plays games - he likes to let other ponies win."

Like Yuclid, Straet had already realized that Bluegrass (which was an odd name for a pony who wasn't blue) was letting the others win.

Pinkie's turn was up, and she stood on her head (the other two times she had also positioned herself weirdly before throwing). Strangely enough, she decided to throw the dart with her hindhooves. Whereas her first dart had missed the board entirely (but embedded itself into the wall fin-first) and her second dart landed two rings away from the center, her third dart hit the top-most part of the bullseye circle, directly opposite from Rainbow Dash's dart.

Impressed with her good aim despite her unconventional throwing style, many guests applauded.

Straet was finally up. His first two darts had both been bullseyes, but neither had hit near the very center, not wanting to knock down Pierce's darts or have his knocked down. But Pierce seemed to be strutting around like he had already won, annoying Straet and reminding him of many other pompous ponies he'd met before. The light blue stallion rolled his eye as his magic briefly enveloped the dart, measuring its mass, weight distribution, and aerodynamics. Like his first two times, Straet stood on his hind legs and held the dart with his right hoof. After a moment of steadying his aim, he let the dart fly, but with more force than his previous two shots.

The dart flew true and hit the board dead-center, knocking all three of Pierce's darts from the board. Gasps could be heard around the room as the slate blue unicorn's jaw dropped.

"By Celestia," Pierce muttered, a look of shock still plastered to his face. He turned to Straet and bowed respectively, no anger present in his mind.

Straet bowed back, as was polite, but he didn't understand how the other unicorn could lose so gracefully if he fell into the pompous archetype that he was used to. Paranoia began to set in as his brain almost went into a 'fight or flight' mindset, viewing nearly everypony in the room as a potential threat...

His train of thought was derailed when Pinkie hugged him tightly, nearly crushing his ribcage.

"I KNEW YOU'D BE GOOD AT DARTS!" she giggled at the top of her lungs as nearly every guest in the room stomped their approval.

"Can't... breathe!"

As soon as he muttered his pained sentence, Pinkie dropped him like last year's sack of moldy potatoes, but she was still dancing around the room, getting ponies to cheer for him. He wheezed a bit on the floor until he noticed a slate blue hoof being offered to help him up. He took it and came eye to eye with Pierce's smiling face.

"Should have realized you had better aim than I did," commented the white-maned unicorn. "I used my magic, but you could throw darts with your hooves like an earth pony and still hit your target. I work at the local distillery - maybe I could buy you a drink sometime?"

Straet hid his embarrassment at his earlier bout of paranoia by nodding. _I wonder if I've made a friend?_ He turned to see that Yuclid was stomping along with an earth pony and a pegasus. _Seems Yuclid is making friends too._

Staying in Ponyville not only seemed to be a pleasant prospect, but a feasible one...

* * *

End Chapter One.

Next chapter: books.

* * *

The Brothers from Shetland

by 5007  
(aka Lord Dragon Claw)

Disclaimer: don't drink the water in Marexico. Mountezuma's Revenge is not a very pleasant stomach virus. This tip brought to you by Daring Doo.

Quick Note: the previous chapter has been changed a bit. You may want to go back and read it as the changes affect the story as a whole.

Chapter Two: Socialization! … is not really compatible with PTSD.

* * *

Yuclid was impressed with the Doctor and Derpy. While Doctor Whooves wouldn't outright say what he did for a living, Derpy was a mailpony, despite her clumsy nature. While ponies might get hurt while she delivered the larger, heavier packages, neither the letters nor the objects themselves suffered any damage by the time they were delivered. That took talent.

Twilight was leading the dark green stallion back to the library, while Straet remained behind to talk with some of the other ponies still at the party.

"Are you sure he'll be able to find his way to the library?" the mare asked for the third time.

"He's got a spell that allows him to find me, wherever I am, because I am his twin. I think he'll figure it out."

"Oh," murmured Twilight Sparkle. Again, the mysterious stallion had seemed to murder the conversation. She took a glance back at him to see if he was looking at her flanks (she wasn't sure what to think about that if he was) but she saw him eyeing the tops and corners of buildings with suspicion. Even the clouds were not spared his speedy scrutiny.

As she returned her gaze to where she was going, she began to wonder just how bad it was in the Everfree? Historically, she knew it had never been conquered. Ponies couldn't do it. The Griffon Warlords stopped trying to about two centuries ago. Zebra Tribes declared it to be a cursed land. The Buffalo Nomads never migrated close enough to it to even care for the Forest, but surely they had mention of it in their oral history?

Twilight shook her head and returned to the problem at hand. While shy when too many ponies had their attention on him, Yuclid proved to be quite the social butterfly when exposed to small groups. Unfortunately, he seemed to be very high-strung when he thought that threats could be imminent. She realized that he may be physically and intellectually in Ponyville, but instinctually, he was still in the Everfree. She wondered if the stallion would ever relax his guard.

* * *

Bluegrass turned his golden eyes out the window of the pastry shop. While Twilight Sparkle, a new arrival, and Yuclid Shott, a new_er_ arrival, had turned down a street and were out of sight, he could still see them. Like Pinkie Pie, Bluegrass had strange powers. He could see magic, for one. He wasn't a unicorn, but an earth pony, but he could see magic all the same. Twilight's was like looking at a bonfire, how powerful her magic core was. Yuclid's core was damaged, badly, but what was there seemed wild. Much like the ambient magic in the Everfree. Like the magic in Bluegrass.

Casually, the blond-maned stallion turned from the window and took a bite of his cake. Straet also had a wild magic aura. A strong one, but nowhere near Twilight Sparkle's power. Of course, comparing Straet to Twilight Sparkle was like comparing a burning building to a raging forest fire.

Fire? Why was he thinking about fire so much? Bluegrass pondered the question for a moment, then decided to eventually write a song about it. He looked at Straet from over his glass of milk, held between his two forehooves. While politely paying attention to his conversational partners, the light-blue unicorn tended to take quick glances around the room. Was he expecting an attack?

Bluegrass glanced over to Pinkie Pie. Her magical aura was… strange. No other word suited it. She was born well outside of the reach of the Everfree, but her aura was more chaotic than anything in it. At the same time, it was as ordered as the next pony's was. It also _vibrated_ as if it were the lid to a tea kettle. Regardless, her aura wasn't showing any of the precognitive signs that an attack was imminent.

Yet Straet still seemed apprehensive about every unexpected movement in the building…

Amused, Bluegrass shook his head after finishing off his plate of cake. The answer was so simple: Straet grew up where an attack could happen at any time. Of course he still expected one, even in this peaceful land.

Bluegrass folded his forelegs and rested them on the table, yawning. He placed his head down on his fetlocks and dozed. Pinkie would wake him when it was time to clear the place out. Meanwhile, he dreamt of fire and guitar solos. Maybe he could commission a string instrument to be made entirely of metal?

* * *

"So, what do you do at the brewery?" Straet asked.

Pierce grinned. "Two things: one, I put taps into the barrels of wine, and two, I am a member of the quality control board."

"So you taste the wine," Straet stated, nodding in understanding.

"Not just the wine. I also taste the hard cider that the Apple family makes at the end of every summer."

"Apple family?" The one-eyed stallion cocked his head to the side.

"Oh yes," Pierce realized that needed some explaining. "One of the founding families for Ponyville. They own the apple orchards to the west and north. Granny Smith is the matriach, but Applejack is the current overseer of the family business. Big Macintosh, her older brother, is an alright guy, and Apple Bloom is the younger sister."

"No parents?"

"They died in a timberwolf attack."

Straet cocked his head in confusion. "I thought timberwolves only hung around zap apple trees."

"The Apple family's first orchard was a zap apple orchard."

Straet choked on his drink. "How!"

Pierce chuckled. "One of the members of the founding family, three-hundred years ago managed to steal some zap apples from the Everfree and she was able to drive off the timberwolves. Some ponies think that it was Granny Smith who did that. I'm not so sure as that would make her ancient, but she was around when my grandfather was a colt so there is evidence pointing to the theory."

Straet closed his one eye in thought. "How long do ponies normally live in Equestria?"

"Normally? Ninety years on average."

"Huh."

"Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are both thousands of years old, though. They are the goddesses, after all."

The light blue unicorn thought about this for a moment. _More identifying these Princesses as deities._ Straet supposed that he'd have to keep an open mind about this, but he was decidedly agnostic for the moment, especially since he'd had to rely only on himself and his brother for survival for the majority of their lives.

* * *

"Spike! I'm home!"

"Welcome back!" replied the young dragon, carrying a stack of books.

Yuclid was a bit overwhelmed by the amount of books in the library.

"This is more books than I've ever seen!" he whispered.

"In any one place?" asked the mare, seeking clarification.

"In my whole life…" answered the stallion.

"Uh, Twilight?" asked the dragon, halfway up a ladder, placing books on the shelves. "Who is that?"

"Oh, sorry, Spike." She shook her mane out a bit. "This is Yuclid Shott. He's one of the two stallions that Pinkie was ranting about earlier."

Spike nodded, turning to get a better look at Yuclid as he sat on the ladder, his task complete. "Why is his horn broken?"

Twilight blanched at her assistant's blunt question, but she was surprised when Yuclid laughed.

"Ah, the curiosity of children!" the green unicorn chuckled, shaking his head from side to side. "In the Everfree, there's a beast known as a trinoceros. Highly territorial. And I happened to be in its territory."

Spike nodded in understanding. "What brings you here?"

"My brother and I are going to see if Ponyville would be a good place for us to live. Unfortunately, we don't have lodgings for the night, and Miss Sparkle was so gracious as to offer us a spare room for a while."

Twilight glared in response to the dragon's knowing grin.

* * *

Pinkie had kicked the three stallions out of Sugar Cube Corner, not because she was tired, but because Mr. and Mrs. Cake needed to close up shop for the night. The beautiful moon looked even more detailed and full than ever before, and the stars shone with such clarity - it truly was a sight to behold.

Pierce parted ways with Straet, saying that he'd stayed up too late and desperately needed to get as much sleep as he needed if he was to go into work the next day, at just before sunrise. Understanding the concept, Straet promised he'd visit when he could. Bluegrass patiently waited nearby, as if he needed to talk to the light blue unicorn.

When Straet turned to speak with the orange pony, he noticed Bluegrass's golden eyes seemed to glow with a magic all their own. The gaze was intense and Straet wanted to look away, but found he could not. He felt as if all his secrets were being laid bare, all facets of his personality, the façade he carefully crafted to hide his pain was all ripped away to reveal his very soul.

Suddenly, it was over. Bluegrass's eyes still shone, but they were soft. Blinking.

"You know, she seems to like you already."

Straet raised his eyebrow, realizing that the other stallion was changing the subject before he could even ask what had happened. "Who likes me?"

"Pinkie Pie," Bluegrass answered disinterestedly.

"And how would you know this?" Straet was really suspicious of this yellow-maned stallion.

"Because you are a good pony," the earth pony answered with a yawn. "By the way, did you need directions to the library?"

Straet blinked. "Why would I need directions to there?"

"It's where your brother is staying the night."

The unicorn gave the earth pony a sidelong glance. "No thank you. I can find him on my own."

Bluegrass nodded. "See you tomorrow then."

Straet watched him walk off. _Why does he assume that we're going to meet tomorrow? He creeps me out. He's also very puzzling... gah!_

Straet then realized that, yes, he would be meeting with Bluegrass the next day if only to try and solve the mystery of who the blonde yellow-orange pony was.

Shaking his head, he used his telekinesis to move his eye patch away from his missing eye. If one were to see the melted flesh beneath, they would see a simple rune. His horn still glowing, Straet cast a spell that he developed based on the soul connection to his twin. A golden, glowing orb manifested on top of the rune, becoming an ephemeral eye.

* * *

"Woah!" exclaimed Yuclid.

"What!" Twilight and Spike asked simultaneously, worried that something might have happened.

"I'll never get used to that," muttered Yuclid. He turned to face the other two people in the room. "Straet cast his spell that allows us to locate eachother."

"Uh huh," Spike responded. "What does it do?"

"Two things," Yuclid said as he looked about the room. "First, it lets us know which direction the other is in. The second thing it does is allow Straet to look through my eyes, and me to look through his."

Twilight gaped at that. "I've never heard of a spell that can do that!"

"It's based off of the magic that only twins can do," clarified the dark green stallion.

"Wait," Spike began. "So you can look through his eyes and he through yours, while you both can look out your own eyes? Isn't that disorienting?"

"Very," Yuclid stated. "The further away we are, the more unsettling it is."

* * *

Books. Straet could see books through Yuclid's eyes. Hundreds of them!

_And there's a dragon,_ he acknowledged in his mind. _A baby dragon. I wonder what happened to his mother? Why is he in the care of that studious unicorn my brother has his eye on?_

Straet snorted as he trotted off in the direction Yuclid was in. _Too many mysteries tonight with not enough answers. I'd better get some sleep if I'm going to be on watch in the morning._

* * *

Straet went straight to bed once he got to the library. Yuclid had pulled out the star-chart textbook that he had with him and was comparing it to the star-charts Twilight had. Twilight was surprised that Yuclid and Straet owned only three books - the other two being a math textbook and a wilderness survival guide. Apparently, the three books were the only things they were able to recover from the ruins that were their home.

Spike had gone to bed as soon as he was feeling tired, which was understandable as he was a _baby_ dragon. Twilight spent most of the night discussing the stars (and navigating by them) with Yuclid.

* * *

Twilight was awakened by the sound of Spike crying out in pain. She instantly rushed to where it was coming from. Out of the side of her vision, she could see Straet rushing down the stairs from the balcony. She idly noted that Straet was an early riser.

Spike's yell had emanated from the guest room that Yuclid and Straet were to use. The door was slightly ajar and Straet reached it first. The light-blue unicorn shoved it open as he ran in. When Twilight entered just behind, she saw Spike curled up on the floor, a deep cut in his right forearm. He was trying to staunch the bleeding with the rags that used to be bedsheets.

On the bed (which was shredded), Yuclid stood, a wild look in his eyes as he tried to look in every direction at once. Hovering near him were several shards of obsidian, one of which was still dripping with blood. Twilight was shocked. How could she have let such a dangerous stallion into her home? And let him attack her Spike! She was startled out of her rant when Straet shouted.

"YUCLID! Get a grip!" He leapt forwards and punched the dark-green stallion on the nose. "Nothing's attacking!" He gripped his brother's head so that they could stare into each others' eyes. "There is NO manticore!"

Yuclid gasped as the wild look left his eyes and the intelligence returned. He noticed the obsidian shards floating about him and recalled them, putting them into his mane and tail. But then he noticed the one with blood on it. He pushed Straet out of the way and saw Spike's injury. He gasped in shock. When he saw the expression on Twilight's face, he looked ready to cry.

Suddenly, the window behind him opened with a burst of magic and Yuclid leapt through it.

"Yuclid!" Straet yelled after him. "Damn it!"

Straet turned his head from the window and his scowl softened when he saw the dragon on the floor. He sighed.

"Come along, young one," he began gently. "Let's get that cleaned out." He turned to the fuming mare. "Twilight, right?" At her nod, he continued. "I'm going to need iodine, a clean washrag, an open flame, a sewing needle, and some thin, but strong, wire."

Twilight thought about it for a moment. "Why?"

"To help... uh, Spike. He's going to need stitches."

The purple mare tilted her head. "You know medicine?"

"Some. Mostly learned from necessity." He started herding Spike towards the washroom.

Twilight began to leave, muttering about psychotic house guests, when Straet interrupted her. "You'll have to forgive Yuclid though. It's not his fault he's like that."

"_Why_ is he like that?" she snapped.

"I'll explain once Spike's injury is taken care of."

While she frowned, Twilight nodded and hurried off to get the necessary supplies.

* * *

Pain.

That was Yuclid's existence.

His left hind leg was giving him trouble, as it always did whenever he went faster than a brisk walk. Of course, he was running at a full gallop. The aches he felt were from the fact that most of the muscle on the calf of that leg had been chewed off a number of years ago by a manticore.

The very same manticore that he had thought was attacking him in his sleep. Again.

And that's where the rest of his pain was coming from. He had seriously injured Spike whereas the little dragon was probably just trying to be helpful and wake him up for breakfast.

Add to that, Twilight's look of barely-bridled rage. It was as if Yuclid had attacked her own foal. She hated him now. Spike would be afraid of him. And the whole town would know about the attack by noon. He was sure of it.

He hopped a fence, sending mind-shattering pain shooting up his bad leg, and he limped into the forest he found on the other side. A golden pair of eyes observed him entering, but did not follow.

It was an odd looking forest though. The entire place was filled with apple trees. And they were evenly spaced apart in neat, straight lines. Very strange.

Yuclid slowed down, limping, as he glanced back. He couldn't see the fence anymore. That was good.

He began to think. Maybe Straet could get a real life in Ponyville, but for that to happen, Yuclid had to leave.

It was for the best.

What he did not notice was the large, crimson earth pony stallion watching him from a distance. And following him.

* * *

The Bunsen burner that Twilight brought for the open flame got Straet to give it an odd look before he shrugged. He then told Twilight that she may want to wait in a different room, especially if she was squeamish. She took that offer.

Using his magic, the light-blue stallion simultaneously heated the wire and needle with the flame from the Bunsen burner while getting Spike to rinse his cut out with water from the faucet.

"Alright, Spike. What I'm about to do is going to sting, a _lot_, but it will prevent infection. Brace yourself."

Spike gulped and nodded. After nodding back, Straet dumped some iodine straight into the wound. Spike squeaked, but didn't cry out, even when Straet used the washrag to rub the chemical into the cut.

"This next part is _really_ going to hurt, but if I don't do it, you won't be able to use that arm ever again. Brace yourself again. You did a commendable job the first time."

Spike hissed in response to the red-hot needle pulling the equally hot wire through his scales, pulling his flesh together.

Without taking his eye off of what he was doing, Straet nodded at Spike. "There's the draconian toughness I've seen in adult dragons. Almost done...there we go." He tied off the wire ends when he was finished. "Only one more unpleasant thing and that's to remove the stitches when the cut has scarred-over in a month or so. You're pretty strong for your size. You should be proud."

"Thanks," admitted the young dragon. "Are you going to tell Twilight and I what that freak out was all about now?"

"Of course," agreed Straet. "Just as soon as I figure out how to put out this fire." He indicated the Bunsen burner with a hoof.

Spike snorted and turned a dial on the side all the way to the right. The flame went down and finally went out with a click.

"... well that's nifty."

* * *

"Why is this forest full of apples!" Yuclid yelled to the heavens in frustration. He couldn't tell which way was North (no moss on the trees), he lost track of the direction he came from, and the canopy let in so little light that he couldn't tell which way the shadows were pointing.

"That's 'cause it's an orchard," answered a deep voice to his left.

Startled, Yuclid jumped and turned to face the voice, but he landed hard on his bad leg.

"Gah!" Yuclid went down in a heap. "Ow."

The voice snorted in amusement. "Maybe ya'll better stop jumpin' 'round."

Yuclid opened an eye to get a better look at the other person.

The stallion he saw standing there was big. BIIIIG! With four i's. Not gigantic, but taller and more muscular than any earth pony Yuclid had ever seen before, even in Brisbray. And he was red. A deep red with an orange mane and green eyes. He wore a girdle on his shoulders and spoke around a buckwheat stalk in his mouth.

The large stallion leaned over Yuclid, taking a look at his weak leg, before leaning back and speaking. "Seems like an ol' injury. Why ain't ya'll used to it yet?"

Yuclid sighed. "Normally I am. But I'm... distracted today."

"Eeyup. Ain't never seen no orchard before, neither?" The large stallion offered Yuclid a hoof up.

"No. Is that like a fruit farm or something?" asked the green stallion, accepting the others hoof.

"Pretty sharp," drawled the large earth pony. "So wha'cha doin' in muh fam'ly's orchard?"

"Leaving Ponyville so my brother can have a life there."

The stallion raised his eyebrow. "Yer still in Ponyville. Sweet Apple Acres is on the outskirts."

Yuclid sighed. "I guess this place is bigger than I thought."

"So why you runnin'?" asked the larger pony as he walked off towards a tree that seemed a little... unkempt, showing his cutie mark to be an apple half.

Yuclid wasn't sure if he should tell this stallion what had happened this morning. He wasn't certain he could just flee this conversation either, especially since he was lost and the other stallion wasn't.

Finally, Yuclid decided to at least try to get his side of the story out so that his brother, at the very least, would not be vilified in his place.

"Well, this morning..."

* * *

Sitting at the kitchen table, Straet was determined to tell Twilight and Spike about his brother's panicked reactions.

"First of all, you must understand that all we've had is each other for the majority of our lives."

His audience nodded.

"We take watches to ensure that we aren't attacked by predators at night. I always sleep first, and then watch over Yuclid after midnight."

"Okay," said Spike.

"Once, though, I had fallen asleep during my watch."

Twilight's ears went straight back, a look of realization on her face.

"Yeah. A manticore snuck up on us and decided to start eating Yuclid while he still slept. Luckily, it decided that his left hind leg was the juiciest part of his body, rather than the throat or abdomen."

Twilight had a grimace of sheer horror on her face. Spike looked concerned as well.

"After waking up screaming, Yuclid grabbed a rock with his telekinesis and jabbed it into the manticore's eye, killing it instantly."

Spike nodded approvingly while Twilight's face had softened, though she still looked mortified.

"Anyway, if I don't wake him gently, he thinks he's being attacked by that manticore. He keeps obsidian shards in his mane and tail for that reason." Straet also showed them the faded scars on his front legs. "I learned that the hard way myself. Had to stitch myself up as 'Clid was freaking out about hurting me. And I had to use most of our bandages and a few sticks to put my right foreleg in a walking cast as he had cracked the bone."

Twilight was silent for a moment, though Spike whistled, impressed that a unicorn with a broken horn wasn't as disabled as one would think. Twilight looked into Straet's single eye, her own watering.

"I need to apologize to him," she whispered.

The sky-blue unicorn smiled. _Definitely a better town than anyplace we've been before._

* * *

"... and that's why I need to leave."

Pruning a final branch from the tree he was working on, the red stallion turned to Yuclid and opened his mouth.

"Nnope. Ah think ya'll need to go back an' apologize ta Spike."

Yuclid crouched down, thinking that he had just gotten into a hostile situation.

The red pony raised an eyebrow. "But Ah'm not gonna force nopony ta do nuttin'."

The green unicorn relaxed a bit.

"Ah was jus' sayin'." With that, he walked to the next tree and began to prune back the overgrown branches with his teeth.

"Uh, could I ask you the way out?"

"Ya could," the larger stallion said after ripping a particularly stubborn growth from the tree.

Yuclid waited a bit before realizing that he wasn't going to get a further answer than that.

"Which way is the way out?"

The red stallion smirked at Yuclid. "Pick a direction an' keep goin'. Ev'ry way is the way out."

The broken-horned stallion blinked. "Which way is the fastest way away from Ponyville?"

The large pony looked around for a bit before getting back to his task. "North."

Yuclid looked around and found that the canopy of the orchard prevented him from being able to tell which way the shadows were leaning. He frowned.

"That doesn't help me," he said.

"Apologizing ta Spike would help ya."

Yuclid glared at the larger stallion as he continued to prune the trees.

* * *

"Knowing my brother," began Straet as they got ready to leave the library. "He's probably trying to run off to give me a better chance at life here."

"Why don't you do your spell then?" asked Spike.

"Because then he'd know we're looking for him. Besides, he may have gotten lost and I don't want to give him a direction to run from."

Suddenly, the door to the library echoed the sound of being knocked on. Confused, Spike opened the door to let in a yellow-orange earth pony.

The one-eyed unicorn recognized him instantly. "Bluegrass."

"Straet," the blonde replied politely. "You may find it interesting to note that I saw your panicked brother entering Sweet Apple Acres. You may want to look to the Apple family farmhouse for his whereabouts."

Twilight was completely confused, though she did recognize the strange earth pony as one of the players in the game of darts from the night before.

Straet nodded. "Thank you."

* * *

Yuclid had finally calmed down, mostly out of necessity due to the fact that the larger pony was being so frustratingly difficult.

"Ya hungry?" the red stallion asked suddenly.

The unicorn was about to answer in the negative when his stomach rumbled loudly.

The earth pony nodded and began walking in a direction. Yuclid realized he had no choice but to follow.

* * *

End Chapter Two.

Next chapter: siblings.

Author's Notes

Yep. Had to drop this story. Wasn't very popular, wasn't very well thought out, and its plot was gutted by Season Three.

I make no apologies.


	28. Underdark ch1, Dungeon Keeper, Pony

**Lost in the Underdark**

by 5007

Disclaimer: "MLP: FiM" was created by Lauren Faust and is owned by Hasbro. _Dungeon Keeper_ was created by Bullfrog Entertainment (with Peter Molyneux) and was last owned by EA.

Chapter One: The Great and Powerful Pain-in-the-Flank

00000

"That is _IT_, Trixie!" I yelled, getting the despot's attention.

Trixie Lulamoon was a teal unicorn with an off-white mane. She was sitting on a golden throne perched atop what appeared to be a grand wagon (without wheels) pulled by two unicorn schoolcolts. If I recalled correctly, Snips was the name of the shorter, chubbier one while the tall, lanky one was named Snails. I was certainly angry about her abuse of them too, but that wasn't the final straw.

"Do what you like with me or with most of the adult ponies in this town, but you do not - I repeat, do NOT abuse _my_ family!"

"Oh? Has the Great and Powerful Trixie struck a nerve?" She asked as she placed a fetlock in front of her snout. "Are these two imbeciles part of your family?"

"I don't think Meadow Song is part of my family," whispered Snips. "Is he part of yours?"

"Uh, no," replied the taller unicorn colt.

Trixie cracked a magical whip at the two colts. "Silence!" She then turned to me. "So your name is 'Meadow Song'?"

I snorted. I hated that name - it wasn't even the name my mother had given me! Rather, it was the name my flankhole grandfather had insisted I be called.

"No," I growled. "That is not my name."

"So the Greatest and Powerfulest Trixie does not know your name, nor does she know who your family is. Trixie thinks she should just punish ponies at random to figure these things out."

I picked a stone out of my saddlebag with my golden tail and brushed my golden mane out of my green eyes with a brown hoof. "I have another idea."

I focused on my intrinsic magic - not the magic related to my guitar cutie mark or the magic most other earth ponies seemed to have (related to growing food). No, my magic was chaotic and was probably distantly related to the intrinsic magic of Pinkie Pie, but was unlike any kind of magic anypony had ever heard of. I felt my eyes turn golden as the world became clearer. I was able to see fabric of magic, the energy threads which composed it, and I was even able to manipulate a few threads from a distance.

I tossed the rock right at Trixie's head. Predictably, she tried to catch it with telekinesis, the most basic spell that all unicorns know. However, I had rearranged some of the magical threads in the stone to render it temporarily immune to such low-level spells. The shock on her face as it passed right through her sky-blue magical field was priceless. I managed to bean her right in the horn. My cousin once told me that any jarring impact on her horn gave her a migraine and reduced her magical ability for several minutes, so I assumed that it would be true for all unicorns.

I darted forwards, again using my tail to grab another rock from my saddlebag shouting as I galloped. "My name is Bluegrass! And you will pay hurting my cousin Lyra!"

I did not expect Trixie to recover so quickly. Her aura had changed from its misty sky-blue to a fiery red. As had her eyes. And her magical field. A huge crab claw formed out of this angry energy caught me by the throat and lifted me off of the ground, causing me to drop the rock, obviously.

**"You DARE strike the Great and Powerful Trixie!? Trixie is NOT amused and will send you to a place where you can be a barbaric heathen to your heart's content!"**

_That_ didn't sound good.

**"Also, that pathetic minstrel will receive a heavy punishment as thanks for your meddling!"**

Obviously, I started panicking. She was going to punish Lyra for my actions?

Before I could continue that train of thought, I was interrupted by a screeching noise from my left. I looked at the source to find what I can only describe as a hole in the universe. From what I later learned, I wasn't too far off the mark.

It appeared to be a vortex of twisting colors, a single white point at its center shining brighter than the sun. As I watched, it grew bigger around the edges until my golden eyes revealed that its event horizon was finally large enough to fit my size.

**"Goodbye, vermin!"**

The claw shoved me into the phenomena.

00000

Travelling to another world the way I did sucks. Seriously. The trip, while I doubt it took much actual time, was an eternity of agony to my perspective. I could see nothing but a strange mix of colors and notions. Sounds were deafening despite the lack of air. I could _feel_ my essence trying to dissolve into the æther and it was only through desperation that I was able to keep my form mostly corporeal (for whatever that counted for in that place).

00000

Suddenly, I was coughing rather violently. I knew I had somehow exited that space between worlds. Wherever I was, it was dark. Nearly pitch black. I looked above me to see that I was inside some sort of underground chamber. The heavy air was wet with the smell of algae and as still as a tomb. In the center of the chamber was a moat of some sort around a pit. Connected to a staircase was a narrow ledge that overhung the pit and stopped right at its center. Triple arches of alabaster reached the roof of the cave surrounding the pit.

I soon realized that the entire room had an _architecture_ to it, meaning that it had been _carved_. Since I was underground, I figured that there might be Diamond Dogs somewhere nearby. How wrong I was...

Regardless, I tried to see if I could find the exit to the chamber. While a large room, it felt oppressively small for it was completely sealed-off from the outside world. My hoofsteps made echoing clops as I walked around the chamber. After making a complete circuit around the moat, I stopped to try and process the fact that I was trapped.

And then I heard it.

The _clip-clop_ of another set of hooves. I quickly spun towards the pit in the center only to see a red minotaur brandishing a scythe slowly walking towards me, a psychotic grin splitting its face.

"Woah!" I exclaimed. "I didn't mean to wake you!"

Confusion overtook its bloodlust as his scythe went limp in his hand. Interestingly enough, the blade on the weapon folded against the shaft.

"Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Minotaur, but do you know the way out?"

He brought his left hand to his face and stroked his chin. It was then that I noticed that he didn't have a bull's head after all as the snout was flat against his face. Unlike minotaurs, which have omnivorous diets, this creature had a couple hundred needle-like, yellow teeth. And while he did have horns and a nostril ring, the former were short and straight and the latter was small.

"You can speak?" he asked in a voice that invoked a primal terror in my very soul.

"Er... yes I can," I replied.

Even with all of the weird stuff I've seen Ponyville go through in my six years of living there, I considered this conversation to be the strangest thing I had experienced up to that point.

"A sentient talking horse," he muttered.

"Pony," I corrected. "I'm a pony, not a horse."

"Very well then, _Pony_. Come with me."

He walked back towards the pit. I noticed that his hooves left scorch-marks on the stone floor. Steam rose when he entered the shallow moat. Not knowing what else to do, I followed him. It was then that I noticed that his tail was long and hairless, like a rat's. It ended in a spade, which I had never seen before on any creature, much less a minotaur. And the only minotaur I've had the opportunity to meet was that assertiveness coach, Iron Will.

This red creature led me up the small staircase over the pit. We stopped where it ended. I could see that the pit wasn't empty, as a rather large black crystal shaped like an animal's heart resided at the bottom of the pit, taking up the entirety of the bottom.

"We are going to do a little _experiment_," he began. "If it works, you live."

I was instantly suspicious. "If what works?"

"Do you not have Keepers where you are from?"

I could _hear_ the capitalization on the word "Keeper". "I don't even know what those are."

He chuckled humorlessly. "I have been trapped in here for more than a thousand years. The walls and floors are reinforced against intrusion. Even the ceiling is immune to violence from me. Only the magic of an imp could break through the stone and free us. Only a Keeper can create an imp."

He leaned towards me. "I am a Horned Reaper. My kind cannot become Keepers. It is magically impossible." His face twisted into a snarl. "If you cannot become a Keeper, then I shall kill you slowly to pass the time. If you _can_ get us out of here, I shall pledge my allegiance to you."

It didn't seem like much of a choice to me. Tortured to death or having a psychotic bodyguard? "What do I do?"

"I will cut your forearm with my scythe. You will allow your blood to drip onto the Dungeon Heart below. If it glows red and starts beating, you will be a Keeper. If not, then I will start beating _you_."

"For your information," I said as I extended my left hoof, "it's called a fore_leg_."

He smirked as he made a small cut on my leg. At first, I didn't feel anything, and then I felt a sharp stinging sensation all the way up to my shoulder. Without thinking about it, I pulled my leg up to my body and started licking the wound clean. Luckily, some of my blood did manage to fall onto the Heart below.

I heard my precious life fluid begin to sizzle and pop once it dripped onto the crystal. A soft light began to emanate from the artifact, and then it started convulsing. It took me a split-second to realize that it was actually contracting and relaxing, like a real heart would.

I could hear the Heart beating steadily, but more than that, I could _feel_ its rhythm. I suddenly became more aware of my surroundings, but not in the same way that my mage sight allowed me to. While my eyes allowed me to see into the spectrum of mana, the naturally-occurring fuel for spells, being connected to the Dungeon Heart allowed me to feel the living stone that the chamber was carved from.

"A pony Keeper," the Horned Reaper chuckled. "This will be interesting."

I eyed him warily before examining my wound again. But it had closed already. A thin white line underneath my fur had replaced the cut.

"Okaaaay... what just happened?"

"The Heart healed you," the Horned Reaper snapped. "Hurry up and spawn an imp so we can get out! I need to kill something!"

Rather than ask him how I should do that (as he had told me that his kind couldn't become Keepers), I tried to concentrate. Focusing my mana proved to be difficult, so I decided to turn on my mage sight to see what I was doing wrong.

The sight of a disembodied hand floating near us surprised me.

"What in Tartarus' name is that!?" I pointed directly at it.

"That would be a wall," the Reaper deadpanned.

I grunted. "No, the hand that's just floating there! What is it!?"

He gave me a curious look as his lips pulled together, hiding his vicious-looking teeth. "You can _see_ the Hand?"

"Yes?" I said after a moment.

"Interesting," he replied. "That is the Hand of Evil. It is the focus for your spells and commanding your troops." He suddenly roared at me. "NOW CREATE AN IMP!"

I nearly fell off of the staircase and onto the Heart, but I managed to keep my balance. I focused onto this "Hand of Evil" and I could feel something happen. The mana from the stone surrounding the Heart was funneled into the Hand. I could feel something trying to come out of one of the fingers, so I willed that finger to point at the ground.

Like it was jumping out of a box, an ugly little biped leapt out of the floor, leaving the smooth stone unmarked. The creature carried a pickaxe in one grimy, clawed hand and a huge, empty sack in the other. It wore what appeared to be a simple leather tunic. The skin of this creature was a drab brown, and it was entirely hairless and had pointy ears. Its featureless eyes glowed orange and its mouth opened into a toothy grin as soon as it saw me.

I pointed at the wall with a hoof, but the imp completely ignored where I was pointing and looked at my leg instead. Just like a cat - they look at what you're pointing with, not what you're pointing at.

The Reaper growled at me. "Use the Hand!" He then added "dumbass" for good measure.

I'm not sure if he was trying to say I was stupid or if I was a donkey, but I tried tapping the wall with the Hand of Evil. The imp quickly ran over to the wall and started attacking it with its little pickaxe. In a few seconds, it had managed to weaken the wall in such a way that an entire section collapsed revealing a twisted tunnel beyond. Immediately, the imp started stamping his feet where the wall had fallen away.

The Reaper, on the other hoof, simply strode through the opening and headed down the tunnel. The imp stomping down the next section of tunnel ruined the visual of an angry minotaur stalking off. Err... Horned Reaper. What can I say? He looks like a minotaur, even now. Regardless, I was alone with the imp.

Imps are not very good conversationalists. I later learned that they are practically mindless, though diligent and tenacious. They are simply expendable magical constructs. The spell matrix that holds them together and gives them a solid shape is mind-numbingly complex, though. Whoever created the Spawn Imp spell was a genius.

Still, since I was bored and the imp I had was improving the tunnel walls, fortifying them and adding what I can only assume to be erotic paintings to their surfaces (I'm not a biped, what do I know?), I decided to spawn another imp. This one I directed to hold still. Using my mage sight, I examined the new imp and tried to see if I couldn't disassemble it with my talent. The imp's spell matrix was a resilient construct, resisting my attempts at unraveling it at first. Once I managed to get some of the mana lines disentangled and started working on the next set, the first started reconnecting back in the way it had been at first. While irritating, it was busywork that occupied my mind.

I found that if I reconnected the lines in a different configuration, they remained the way I left them. It also caused physical changes to the imp - it had turned a bright orange in skin tone and was a little taller than the other imp. My experiments were interrupted by a new voice. It was baritone and sounded slightly malicious, but curious at the same time.

"You certainly aren't a kind of Keeper I've ever seen before."

I whipped my head around to see a translucent specter hovering in the only opening to the Heart. While he had a pair of hands protruding from his ripped poncho/cloak, he had no legs and no face. Just a pair of golden pinpoints of light emanating from within the hood.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"Ah, a _talking_ horse. Never in my long years have I experienced such a thing."

"Pony."

The specter paused. "I beg your pardon?"

"I'm not a horse," I reiterated. "I'm a pony." At the time I had hoped it wouldn't be a common occurrence for the denizens of this world to think I'm a horse until I corrected them. I would soon learn how naïve that hope was.

"My apologies," he said. "I am known as the Mentor. I was a Keeper once, but it has been so long since I died that I've forgotten my own name. Now I simply help whichever Keeper I feel deserves it."

This was interesting. Sounded too good to be true, but interesting. I really hoped he wasn't already helping another Keeper. As far as I could tell from how the Reaper acted, Keepers are fiercely territorial.

"How do you determine whether or not a Keeper deserves your assistance?"

"You're not the first to ask me that," he chuckled. "Whichever Keeper seems most interesting to me receives my service. And you are _very_ interesting."

"What can you do?" I asked.

"Well, I can use the Keepers' Sight to view your entire dungeon from above to better help you direct your forces while you are otherwise occupied. I also have Mage Sight, so I can point out traps."

That made me wonder. "Can you see my Hand?" I willed it to move in front of the Mentor's face.

"No," he stated. "One can only see one's own Hand of Evil once they are using the Keepers' Sight."

I poked him with a finger. His form visibly distorted, like ripples in a pond.

"What in the Eleven Names of Hell did you just do!?" he cried out, backing _into_ the wall.

"I just poked you with my Hand," I replied, trying to sound innocent.

He just floated in the wall for a moment before he began to laugh. "So you can see your own Hand _and_ interact with those not pledged to your service! Never in all the millennia have I seen a Keeper with such unusual abilities!"

A niggling sensation began to manifest itself in the back of my mind, but I tried to ignore it.

"So," I began. "What brings you here?"

"Well, I was coming to taunt Horny-"

"Wait! Who!?"

"The Horned Reaper that had been entombed in this chamber. His name is Horniculus, but I refer to him as 'Horny' to annoy him."

"... I see." Actually, I didn't. Why would someone want to anger such a psychotic being?

"As I was saying, I was coming to keep Horny company before I found a new Keeper to mentor when I sensed that the Heart was active. I am surprised you have created only two imps so far."

"Obviously, I'm new here," I deadpanned. "And I was experimenting with the way the imps' spell matrices were put together."

He examined the taller imp, hovering around it in a tight circuit. "It's _orange_." He turned to me. "I had no idea that the spell could be altered beyond what a warlock could improve through research in a Library."

I blinked. "Warlock" was not a term I was familiar with, and I could hear the capitalization on the word "Library". And that feeling in the back of my mind was getting annoying.

"Anyways, most Keepers keep several dozen imps around for various tasks. Might I ask how you got in here? And why Horny hasn't slaughtered you when you did?"

I sighed before laying on my stomach, my legs tucked underneath me. "Not much to tell. I was opposing a unicorn mage-turned-tyrant when she..."

00000

The Mentor nodded after I told him how Horniculus had bonded me to the Heart. "A Hero-turned-Keeper. Not an unheard-of occurrence, but fairly uncommon."

"'Hero'?" I inquired.

"Well, yes. You opposed a tyrant, not for the sake of yourself, but for the sake of others. That made you a Hero."

Okay, I definitely heard the capitalization on that word.

"And then you became a Keeper," he continued. "I am sorry to say that the universe has a cruel sense of bitter irony in your case."

"Other than the fact that I have a murderous monster-that-looks-like-a-minotaur under my command, why is being a Keeper such a bad thing?"

The Mentor chuckled. "Simply because we live in the Underdark, and the Surfacers fear us. Sometimes, even without good reason. But Surfacers usually have _very_ good reasons to fear Keepers."

Curse that feeling in the back of my mind! It was really difficult to concentrate!

The Mentor laughed again. "It seems to me that Horny has found some creatures to slaughter, if your expression is any indicator."

"What!?" I growled out.

"The Heart is trying to notify you that at least one of the creatures in your employ is engaged in combat." He floated closer to me, pointing at his eyes. "You'll have to switch to the Keepers' Sight in order to observe what is happening - it is the only way to get rid of that feeling in the back of your head."

"How do I do that?"

The Mentor explained it to me. Apparently, the Keepers' Sight spell was invented by the Mentor's predecessor for better micromanagement. It had since been hardwired into the Dungeon Heart. But rather than focusing on the Hand of Evil, I needed to focus a portion of my attention on the Heart itself. It was relatively easier to do than spawning imps. Activating the Keepers' Sight was disorientating, as I could still see through my own eyes while the spell was active. I could see everything I "owned" in a top-down perspective. I could also see whatever was in the line of sight of my own soldiers (such as the imps). Far off to the southeast, about twenty hooves above my own position, I finally found Horniculus.

The Horned Reaper was slaughtering a warren of goblins. The Mentor told me that that was what they were. Green-skinned and muscular, goblins were several hooves taller than myself, but were more than a full head shorter than Horniculus. And they were woefully weak in comparison.

Horniculus was already knee-deep in blood and viscera, and obviously enjoying himself. Some of the more elite goblins actually managed to deflect his scything attacks away from themselves, but couldn't do a thing to prevent him from cutting down their companions. Nor were they prepared for his kicks with his hooves. Kicks that _set them on fire!_ I had to admit that was awesome, though the violence and gore was making me queasy.

I released the spell and the entirety of my perspective snapped back into my body. Strangely, the deactivation of the Keepers' Sight was not anywhere near as disorienting as its activation. And that persistent feeling in the back of my head was gone.

"So, Mentor," I began. "You wish to be _my_ Mentor?"

"That's one way to put it," he chuckled. "I'm going to attach myself to your Heart to better communicate with you."

"Uh, sure. I just have one question: do all Keepers share your ghostly fate?"

After a full minute of his spectral laughter, he finally answered with a definitive "no".

00000

Horniculus finally returned several hours later. It was apparent that he had taken a rinse of some sort in an underground river - while he didn't have tons of blood and organs on his body, he hadn't washed it all off either.

"Feel better?" I asked while inspecting the newest variation of imp. This one was blue, quite tall, and very muscular. While it no longer had a pickaxe, it sported an evil-looking hammer.

"Very. What manner of creature is that?" He paused briefly, but not long enough for me respond. "Is that what trolls look like now?"

"I don't know what trolls are," I replied, taking the imp's hands in my hooves. This blue variety had only three fingers and a thumb, all of which were meatier than the smaller ones. "This is an imp."

"That is _not_ an imp," he insisted. "I've seen what your imps look like."

Hilariously timed, a white imp rushed by Horniculus' foot, a large sack of gold on its back. In fact, the burlap sack was larger than the standard imp sack, while the white imp itself was shorter and had longer legs. Seeing such a stunned expression on the Reaper's face when the white zoomed by nearly caused me to laugh.

"Another variation of my imps."

Horniculus turned his confused visage to give me his full and undivided attention.

"WHAT!?"

I couldn't stifle my laughter any longer. The blue imp also started chuckling, like it knew what was going on.

"Ah, Horny has arrived," the Mentor said as he glided into the room.

Horniculus switched gears from confused to furious so fast I could swear I smelt a burning clutch. Wait... What _is_ a clutch, anyway?

"YOU SKIFFING SPECTRE!" the Reaper roared. His scythe unfolded mid-swing and bounced off of the wall behind the Mentor, passing through his ethereal form with no resistance.

On Horniculus' return swing the blue imp caught the scythe by the handle, barely saving my own neck (literally). While the Reaper easily tore his weapon away from the imp, his anger had temporarily abated.

"Annoying ghost," Horniculus murmured.

Rolling my eyes (and ignoring my racing heart), I stepped between the two otherworldly beings. "What is wrong with the both of you anyway!?"

"Well," the Mentor began. "Horny here remembers my name, as he was a soldier of mine before I died. He refuses to tell me, however."

Horniculus growled. "He keeps calling me 'Horny'! I _know_ what that word implies, you bastard!" He poked his hand through the Mentor's torso. "You were also dumb enough to try and find a path to immortality that left you unable to truly interact with the world!"

"YOU'RE BOTH FLANKHOLES!" I yelled, getting their attention. "You nearly killed me over your petty squabble!"

I backhanded the Mentor with the Hand of Evil. He went sailing through the far wall, passing through it as though it were made of light. I used the Hand to lift Horniculus into the ceiling, visibly cracking the stone above before dropping him. I started to stomp off, when the Reaper's laughter stopped me. I glared at him over my shoulder as he simply lay on his back in the middle of the room.

Eventually, he sat up. "You may not be as bloodthirsty as I," he began, "but I have decided that I like you. Especially since you can hit that skiffer where I cannot."

"What does 'skiff' mean?" I asked as I sat down, turning to face the Reaper.

"What does 'flankhole' mean?" he countered.

"It's the part of the body where you defecate from."

Horniculus chuckled a bit. "We call that an 'asshole' here. To 'skiff' is a demon slang term for fornicating with fish."

"Huh." Well, wasn't _that_ interesting? "We don't have an equivalent term for that in my homeland."

He gave me a feral grin. "I'll teach you how to profane yet!"

I had to snort at that.

00000

End of Chapter One.

Next Chapter: Liarsburgh, a city of the Underdark.

Author's Notes

Firstly, I'd like to apologize for not getting this out sooner. Sorry.

Item B: I have a tumblr now. 5007 dot tumblr dot com. Nopony seems to have noticed, except for my friend, Crayven Carnage.

Item III: I should really get back to writing my non-pony stuff. My fans are waiting for more "The Laughing Fox", after all.

Item da fourf: While on FanFiction dot net this first chapter will be available in the Brain Dump, this and all future chapters will be available exclusively on FiMFiction dot net.

Now that that's done, I'd like to thank Dumbledork for fixing whatever mistakes I've made with this fic.

About the chapter/story itself: it was an idea that came to me and refused to stop holding my imagination hostage until I started it. I've always enjoyed the _Dungeon Keeper_ games for their sense of humor and their addictive gameplay. As many of you have seen on the Anime Addventure, _DK_ crossovers where a random person is linked to a Dungeon Heart are quite prevalent in the fandom. While I seem to have simply copied the premise, I'd like to think that I altered the idea enough to make it original, which brings me to my next point.

There have been a lot of "Human in Equestria" fics out there. I even have one going. But "pony stranded outside of their world" fics? Not very prevalent. I decided to choose my favorite background stallion, one Bluegrass, and cast him into a world that most ponies would find horrifying. Giving him my headcannon backstory, I was able to mold his personality to fit what I needed.


End file.
